Putting children first and spouse ermm last

[Dxbdad]

To be honest, I don’t where to start.

Been married for 6 years and have two kids DS3 and DD4. DW is a wonderful mother but I have felt neglected and rejected over the last 4 years of our marriage.

I truly feel like i am the least important person in DW’s life and virtually see her making absolutely no effort at all. We started to grow apart and I became more and more resentful - I am not a man who’d cheat and never have and never will, but I have strated feeling isolated and lonely.

Years of neglect made sure that I was mostly resentful and angry for being treated in such a way when I honour all financial commitments as a sole bread winner and do my utmost best to provide for the family.

I feel like I am punishing my ownself, and the only thing that is stopping me is our DCs. A part of me still loves DW as she was my childhood sweetheart and we had been together since we were both teenagers. I could not see myself living through the guilt of splitting up the family.
Feel lost and have no idea what to do.
Would appreciate your advice.

I knew this would be a post from a man before I opened it

men are yet to understand that their wives will love the children more than them, forever. That's how it is.

No - I love my children and my husband equally. In different ways but equally. I love my family unit and ensuring all members of that unit are happy is important

Blaablaablaa Their children are only 3 and 4, they should be their parents primary focus and centre of the universe. All that shifts a bit as they get older obviously.

Blaablaablaa I think you took a wrong turn back at the roundabout. This is Mumsnet. Stepford is the third exit, then forth on the right.

Leave her. She sounds like she doesn’t care in the slightest about you.

If you have tried to talk to her and she won’t engage them there is nothing you can do. I left mine for the same reason. Best thing I ever did. She is still a kid obsessed bore 12 years later and never moved on so our relationship for her was about getting what she wanted - kids. Christ knows what she will do when the youngest goes to Uni in the summer!!

You only get one life. Live it.

I am a mum( and bloody good one) and but no means a stepford wife .. but I have seen this scenario play out in real life and so far I'm yet to see a happy ending.

Our children are a similar age and of course they are both out priorities but so is our relationship. We talked about this before we had children as it was important that we were on the same page.

Each to their own but it it seems the op and his wife aren't on the same page and even though some of his approaches are less than ideal at least he is trying
If this was a woman complaining about the lack of attention and affection everyone would be telling her to LTB

Cuppa and NotTaken So how do you ensure your relationship doesn't suffer then, if you're suggesting EVERYTHING should be about the kids for at least 4 years (although of course if there are two kids and there is 4 years between them, that would be 8 years of focusing everything on your kids)? Others have said it's important that the OP's wife gets time for herself. It's is JUST as important that the COUPLE gets time for THEMSELVES otherwise it's more like than not that those kids will end up in a divorced family.

Maybe OP's attempts to improve things are being badly aimed but he is trying. He's also tried to communicate with her about her views/suggestions as to what might help but she's not bothering to respond.

Children are pretty all consuming when they are little but the relationship needs SOME effort. Adults are important too. I'm female but if I never got any attention/affection/sex I would want to leave too. I could cope if it wasn't frequent but not if it was never.

I wonder if she's actually checked out already and is hoping that/waiting for you to leave.

Shatners Listening to eachother, growing with eachother, compromising. We're best friends but have independence from eachother too.

Being understanding of changes in libido on both sides due to pregnancies close together, childbirth injury, his vasectomy, now what I think is pre menopause only in my late 30s which has physically knocked me for six more than my four pregnancies ever did. DH is understanding and doesn't see himself as morally superior due to not having an affair though sex is currently infrequent

I was a working single Mum of one when me and DH first got together 12 years ago so the change in dynamic of becoming parents and a child suddenly being the priority wasn’t an issue for us. My daughter was absolutely number one in the early stages of our relationship and if DH hadn't been understanding of that we wouldn't be together now. We've had three further children together since, both our relationship dynamic and that of our family have shifted over the years. We've had our problems, argued, talked.

Couple time doesn't have to mean 'date nights' (I dated him 12 years ago, I find that phrase a bit daft for long time marrieds), we're happy with takeaways, netflix and occasional sex when we manage to fall in to bed at the same time and when I feel well enough for now.

When they're older we'll be off for meals out, trips to galleries, travelling etc. We've got decades for that, we married to grow old together as well as raise a family.

Like a lot of men on this site, you’re getting a hard time. All I can suggest is you encourage your wife to return to work and get interests of her own.

When I was a child my best friends parents taught her that you should always put your dh or dw 1st and then you put your dc 2nd. At the time it felt completely at odds with how I was brought up and I completely disagreed and it has stuck with me. Now 40 odd years later her parents are still happily married, as are mine, and I think I understand the concept better now and is perhaps a good way to maintain a long term relationship.

Ok I think the issue is that you want appreciation for helping with her responsibilities, ones she does not want to burden anyone else with.

Even the state of your marriage appears to be on her - she is not tackling it. But what actually are you doing about it

Your W is U not to want to use ANY childcare!

Also U not to be willing to attend couples’ counselling.

Well I have been asked by many of you here that - what am I doing to sort things out?
Firstly, I realise that something is not quite right, secondly I have tried establishing a channel of communication and thirdly I have raised my concerns with absolute clarity.

Yet, there isn’t much an initiative on her part to keep up the communication or to even make an effort to address my concerns and issues.

I am not looking for a miracle but it’s the CBA attitude that’s driving me almost insane. How could a person do that? I understand that things might change when kids are less dependant on us but this is not a way to treat your partner.

If the gulf between us keeps increasing, the realtionship could well be dead by the time she wakes up. Why can’t a balanced approach be adopted? Spending 10 mimn a day with me won’t make her any less or more of a wonderful mother she is.

Well OP I think you sound great.

Maybe she just doesn't have that initial lust or love she felt when you first got together- 2 years is about where it begins to die off for me I'm afraid plus with kids I just wouldn't be bothered even trying to get that back if I'm honest because yes, my kids come first and I'm not bothered if I'm in a relationship or not so long as they are happy. It's quite hard to say to someone though - I'm just not into you anymore. I'm very honest and blunt at times and I struggle with this even. After having kids it's almost as though any love I ever felt for a man is a bit of a joke because it's so incomparable. Sorry but that's my honest view. If she feels the same then her actions and attitude is understandable.

However the holiday thing I'd of loved, I feel holidays are lovely memory builders with the kids and if the dad is there when you basically feel 'over that' it is a bit annoying especially if he grated on you just being himself. I'm so sorry if this is coming out as a dad bashing because I honestly do think you sound like you can't do more. If she feels this way - as I have (doesn't help I've been with dead beats who leave jobs/take drugs/play games consoles/are abusive and couldn't be a good father if they tried) then it's only fair she set you free.

Could money be making her feel trapped? I felt like that - I loved my life and the money but was not in lust or love with my BF, this made me feel trapped and powerless to leave him for a long while. I was always wishing he'd have an affair so I had a good reason to kick him out.

Ps. I'm a lovely person, but was with the wrong man/men! Sorry it sounds she feels the same 😞

What do you want her to DO?

Every time you post, there's a vaguely threatening tone to it. "Cheating is morally wrong BUT" "IF she doesn't get better THEN this relationship is dead"

Be brutally honest, is she not touching your dick enough? because making vague noises about being unhappy won't change anything if the REAL reason is sexual.

Similarly, if you are happy with the sex and just need her focus, SAY to her "I need your attention. I need it all to myself. I feel like a neglected child"

You don't think you're being unreasonable for wanting it, so demand it. Have that big tantrum that I can hear brewing under your skin. No, it's not rational, feelings usually aren't rational.

But if you want more, if you want her respect and love, and not just her nodding smile and a begrudged blowjob, you will take charge of your own emotions and not make her responsible for managing them

Do they go to nursary? Ours at that age were 2 or 3 full days a week and they loved it. Sure life was busy but it certainly wasnt go to bed at 8pm exhausting.

You can say kids come 1st. Which means they need to be part of a stable relationship. Which means both parents need to ensure that relationship survives.

I think you need to have a fairly open and if needed blunt conversation. At the age your children are now there should be plenty time for your marriage.

Yes but what have you actually done to help - at the moment what you seem to have done is tell her how you are feeling, and what you want her to do and what she is doing wrong.

But there appears to be no self reflection on your part as to the part that you have played. How she has been made to feel that the children are her burden/her responsibility and that someday she is going to wake up and realise what she has lost with you. But maybe she CBA as you put it because actually you CBA with HER, just how it makes YOU feel. Everything you say is your concerns and issues from YOUR perspective but not a moment of seeing how it is from HER perspective. I have read your other posts, you dont seem to take her viewpoint that highly.

But here is the thing at the moment all she appears to be losing is someone who wants constant appreciation for the things he does, raises concerns and issues from his perspective without offering solutions (other than she needs counselling).

Truthfully I suspect she has checked out and is not going to wake up one day and regret what she has done.

Qvar Have my first ever in almost seven years of being on MN

Have you asked your wife exactly what her objection is to babysitters? It does seem a little extreme to refuse even to let grandparents sit with kids who are not tiny babies any more...

maybe ask her if something has happened that has sparked off this reluctance to leave the children. Even someone whose entire life revolves around their kids will usually be happy enough for grandparents to have them for a few hours.

^Agree with Qvar.

ShatnersWig, is that really all you can think of?

Hmmm...I would second a poster suggesting she goes back to work and gets some interests outside of kids..

You really need to talk to her honestly OP. Tell her how you feel. Like she doesn't love and appreciate you..she stopped being your friend..Maybe if you start the real dialogue she will tell you she feels lonely and unappreciated too..

For those screaming "children FIRST". You are fools. With this attitude marriage is likely to break down and your children will suffer. You will teach them relationships aren't important and they will struggle as adults. They are also likely to experience a lot of unnecessary trauma due to step parents and step syblings in their lifes.
Give your spouses attention they deserve, they are your LIFE partners, they need you as much as your children. You are supposed to be a team.
I think men and wife are a base of a family and they NEED to make an effort for the childs sakes. Sometimes that will mean leaving kids behind with a babysitter and going out to have fun without them.

Qvar Yes, because you're making the assumption this is only about sex. I don't see that. I don't see the OP being any more threatening than any woman who comes on to MN with a similar tale and asking whether she should leave her partner who shows her no attention. As for this nugget:

men are yet to understand that their wives will love the children more than them, forever. That's how it is.

that's such a blanket statement of such arrogance unless you know every man on earth. The fact that you use the word "wives" rather than "women" would also suggest a somewhat old fashioned view of the world, as if no child is born to unmarried parents.

Your disdain for a man daring to come on and seek help shows through so clearly. Any projection going on?

I'm not surprised some men stray in marriages like this, even though I disapprove of affairs.

Those who don't leave..it's because of finances and the kids. A good number either wait till they can afford to split or till the kids get older.

Then the women claim to be blindsided....Then when the man moves on...she becomes the bitter Ex wife.

Marriage is about care and compromise. She won't even meet you halfway.

Usually this attitude is a sign she doesn't give a damn. Her actions are what you need to focus on.