Putting children first and spouse ermm last

[Dxbdad]

To be honest, I don’t where to start.

Been married for 6 years and have two kids DS3 and DD4. DW is a wonderful mother but I have felt neglected and rejected over the last 4 years of our marriage.

I truly feel like i am the least important person in DW’s life and virtually see her making absolutely no effort at all. We started to grow apart and I became more and more resentful - I am not a man who’d cheat and never have and never will, but I have strated feeling isolated and lonely.

Years of neglect made sure that I was mostly resentful and angry for being treated in such a way when I honour all financial commitments as a sole bread winner and do my utmost best to provide for the family.

I feel like I am punishing my ownself, and the only thing that is stopping me is our DCs. A part of me still loves DW as she was my childhood sweetheart and we had been together since we were both teenagers. I could not see myself living through the guilt of splitting up the family.
Feel lost and have no idea what to do.
Would appreciate your advice.

It never ceases to amaze me that all the excuses MN posters will make for a mother behaving badly towards a spouse yet when a father so much as has a lie-in at the weekend- he's a lazy bastard. Who you should leave immediately.
^...^^... This 100%
I couldn't agree more with this. The hostility that often spews out when men post is unbelievable. Every possible excuse under the sun is used to defend the wife, as though women can do no wrong.

I'm another who thinks she's got the kids and can't be bothered now.

This was the kind of attitude my DB complained about with his ExW. He felt like he was being used and she didn't care about him or his feelings. He was constantly getting her out of debt, only for her to max her personal CCs to their limit again.

After much agonising (a few years) ..he divorced her and is happily remarried.

She's told me herself she regrets not listening when he raised his concerns and she never thought they'd divorce because of the DC.

He decided he had more years to live...than he'd already lived and took the financial hit of divorce, rather than continue to be a walking ATM.

Your wife laughing at the suggestion of counselling says it all really...I wouldn't be surprised if she's checked out of the marriage.

A spouse who gave a damn wouldn't have this reaction.

It sounds like she got what she wanted i.e. Children, not having to work etc and so no longer has to make the effort now.

Are you actually kidding me right now?

She is caring, single handedly, for two pre school aged children, a year apart in age, who are home all day. If that’s not work I don’t know what is.

OP, your shitty attitude was betrayed by, errrrm, the sarcasm in the title you chose.

Not once have you tried to understand how your wife feels. You try to demonise her, ‘fix’ it (going for counselling, mini ‘breaks’, telling her how you feel...) How about asking how she feels?

I wouldn’t be surprised me if she has checked out and you are already on a countdown to getting your marching orders. Once she has raised the children she gave you to school age, she can regain her independence and support herself, she will no longer be at the mercy of the ‘bread’ you so grudgingly ‘win’.

Children do come first, especially when they are small. Doesn’t sound like you will be around to reap the benefits when they get up a bit though.

The good dad thing - if you haven’t heard it for 3years, I’d say it has expired. What were the last encouraging words you gave to your wife?

I think you could get up at 5am, play with kids, bring wife a cup of tea. Drop kids at nursery work all day, come home , cook tea and put to bed and STILL be in the wrong with both your wife AND MN. !
Yes, if you left everything else to her. Or thought you deserved a medal / expressions of appreciation for a normal workload when you have young DC. Which is mostly unappreciated tedium and drudgery. But you'll never understand that because you haven't lived it. A much greater majority of women have experienced full time work/part time with and without DC, and being a sahp. Even going out to work means you have DC responsibilities either end of work hours, generally responsible for most of the mental load and organisation too, whether working or not.

Sorry but I think you would have a much happier quality of life with shared care and a girlfriend who wants to spend time with you.
Yes, you probably would, because you would be giving up many of the responsibilities and work a decent father father does. I'm pretty sure your DW would be happier with shared care and a boyfriend who wanted to spend time with her too. Kids are hard work. Life is easier without them.

OP, I hope you're not reading comments like this and using it as justification for your feelings as expressed in your initial post. Tbh, you sound resentful of the time and demands your DC are making on your DW. Why shouldn't she be able to relax and watch white TV after a mind numbing day looking after little kids?

And in my experience, 'compliments and keeping the romance alive' is only evident when the dh is trying it on for later.

It's a tough one because we don't know what your wife is feeling or if there are further issues going on for her (is she unhappy? Depressed? Have you asked how she feels. About you and about family life?).. However, if we take your post at face value, then something definitely does need to change.

I'm at home most of the week and exhausted with two kids. I'm ready to drop by bedtime and often just go to bed myself or go for a run to clear my head (sounds odd when knackered but it works for me). DH and I rarely get time together BUT, I miss it. I miss him and so I do try just to give s gentle touch as I walk past or a little "love you" as I don't want him to feel as if I don't love him because I do. I say by thank you when he does stuff (he does too). Kids needs come first but the spouses needs don't stop existing.

If your wife did really understand how you felt and you have made the effort to understand how she is feeling then she could make tiny changes. when you love someone and WANT to make a relationship work - you try.

I do feel a lot of posters above are being harsh on OP just because he's a man.

I have no advice but sympathise with you if things are as you say. I hope everything works out.

Areyousure, you make being a SAHP sound horrendous. I certainly don't find it mind numbing drudgery. It's hard but I love it. We don't know how OP's wife feels about it. Not everyone hates raising the babies they love.

Have you had a really clear conversation with your wife? Maybe marriage counselling would help you both if she would go

She is making a martyr of herself, either because she is depressed or has other issues. You have helpful grandparents and have offered her help around the house, both of which she has rejected. 3 and 4 year olds should also be in bed a lot earlier than 8pm, giving you more time in the evening.

In the same sense as the money you earn should be shared, so should the decisions concerning both your children. It is either a shared enterprise or it isn’t.

Have a meaningful discussion with her about creating some time and space for you both. Both your opinions have equal validity and she needs to agree to some kind of compromise. Are the children at nursery? I would think they should be at this point, if they are, the really tough years for her are over (not saying it is easy, though).

If, after due consideration, her view is ‘my way or the high way’, it is time to see a divorce solicitor. Sooner is better than later. If you don’t you may find yourself the facilitator of a ‘lady who lunches’ masquerading as a hard pressed SAHM. MN is very touchy about these but they really do exist, many of them with all the time to post on here!

The standard MN responses to any man posting about his relationship is just laughable now.

Oh sir, I feel for you.
I'm sorry you feel the least important person in your wife's life; she has to take care of 2 children who demand everything from her and probably doesn't have any more to give.
You work hard and are kind and would never stray and it sounds like you really do as much as you can after work too but are met with a brick wall. She sounds cold. Exhausted, probably.

It seems like you need a big conversation with your wife. Maybe she is unhappy too.

Children change lives in unimaginable ways and it's so sad to see relationships break down.

Marriage needs both parties to want to fight for it. It seems strange that your wife won't leave your children with their grandparents even for an evening. She's certainly a devoted mother.

I think some people are giving you a hard time here op.

If a woman posted that she last received a compliment three years ago, that her dh was uninterested in her and avoided her company, she would be advised to ltb.

You work full time, appear supportive during evenings and weekends, have suggested babysitters and holidays in order to reconnect, regularly ask what you can do for her and have suggested counselling as you reach crisis point.

I'm not sure what else you can be expected to do really, and so much advice here is contradictory. Some pp tell you you're swooping in and doing the wrong thing, while others tell you to just do it and not ask.

Surely she has some responsibility here too? If she's not happy, if op is doing something wrong, or not doing something he should, then she needs to open her mouth and start a conversation, because surely she too can feel the gulf growing? If he's suggested counselling, she cannot possibly be under the impression that everything is ok.

I think that having dc means that you are both under an obligation to try everything to fix this. You need a serious conversation akin to what you've said here, but also listening to your dw. If you can't find any common ground, if you won't listen to her concerns, if she dismisses yours, then you don't need to waste another year. Separate now while it could still be amicable.

OP, I was in your exact position 2yrs ago. My ex never made any effort despite me doing the majority of the work in our relationship. I made sure I did childcare, cleaning, cooking, washing, made sure she got solo downtime, encouraged her to do activities outside of the children and was as supportive as I knew how to be...yet all I got back was a grumpy, lazy, unappreciative wife. She made zero effort to be supportive of anything I wanted to do, constantly criticised me at every turn and stayed in bed half the day even after the kids where at school. Eventually I had enough and left. I now have a much better quality of life. If I were you I’d get out soon for your own sanity and for your kids. They will have a much better life with two happy parents.

I disagree with many pp, you sound isolated and lonely. It’s a huge pressure to be the sole financial provider and you do come home and take over, offer to do bits to lessen her load in the house.

Refusing to have a babysitter to allow time alone together would frustrate me at this age, their children, they won’t break.

Does she have concerns over the way you are doing things? Rainy offers a brilliant post, everything I would say.

Children should come first, but not to the extend of leaving your partner lonely and neglected. Finding ways, however small to celebrate each other, have time together, are so important.

They’re *

Some of the disparaging comments here are appalling almost attacking the poor guy that has come on here asking for help.

The not leaving the kids with anyone sounds very strange. Have you offered to have them to give her a night out with friends? If you're working all day and then help with the kids when you get home I don't see what physically more you should/could do.

If she won't go to counselling won't talk to you that's on her.

Get the kids to bed for 7.
My husband always said after that it was our time.
Happy parents - happy kids.
Maybe show her this thread.
It is so easy to become self absorbed with the kids - I'm as guilty as anyone.
But you need work just as hard on your relationship.
One day empty nest syndrome will hit and then you're in real trouble. Good luck.

You are getting an unnecessarily hard time on here from some people! Without a doubt, if this was turned round and the woman was posting this same scenario, the replies would be an almost guaranteed 'ltb'. MN at its worst!! Awful responses!

I would say this to anyone in this situation...you need to talk, frankly and honestly, about what you both need right now. It sounds like the time for 'waiting around to see if things improve' are long gone. Hope things improve. Good luck to you.

Go to counselling yourself. Ask her to join you but if she refuses just go yourself.
I don't agree with people saying holidays are no joy for SAHM . Holidays are fabulous for everyone if everyone decides to take part. What about suggesting a campsite in France this Summer. Keep your focus on how much fun it will be for the dc..it will. You need a holiday too as does your dw so you get to have a say. Is she depressed or anxious do you think?
And unless gps are monsters l would be pushing more for them to do some babysitting. They are not her dc but yours as well.
Go to counselling for help in how to express your own needs.

and if none of this works, leave her. She will soon wake up then!

I wasted 7 or more years continually trying (with no effort on her part).

Set a time limit and work your nuts off to see if it can change. If it doesn’t then leave her.

I too tried the holiday thing, all she did was sit on her arse whilst I had to entertain the kids all day every day. Don’t put up with it a second longer than you have to. It’s disrespectful, rude and not something a loving partner should be doing.

Why are so many people claiming to be sole defender of the poor little OP - almost everyone has told him how great he apparently is for being a bread winner and helping with his children, and fallen over themselves to trash his wife ...

I like what @m0vinf0rward has said. 🌼

I'm afraid you might be on the wrong website. MN is very much 'the child comes first'. Or a lot of posters are like that.
And a lot of the women I meet in RL are actually like that.

I don't feel that way. But I think this is a rarity. Dh is just as important as me, as the ds's. Without our marriage, the ds's wouldn't have a family to be part of!

But most women seem to adore their children and live through their children.
I can only imagine there will be a lot of empty nest syndrome, in this generation, more so than in previous generations.

But I fear there is nothing you can do, because if a woman feels that way, sees her children, her role, in that way, nothing you say or do will change it.

I think it has become more the norm, as a style of parenting, in the last 10 years or so.

I'm with you @Oblomov18 - my marriage is everything to me.

Because some women like to tear down other women to make themselves feel ‘more than’, or superior.
Not their fault, per se. They’re programmed that way by the patriarchy.
Won’t somebody please think of the poor menfolk!?

I reckon this is how lots of dad's feel OP.
As a Mum, it's so hard having small ones & being so drained of energy all the time. It's hard to have energy for someone else.
Sounds like you're a great Dad.
Hang in in there. They will get bigger and then you will have more energy for each other.
Do you go on date nights?