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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Putting children first and spouse ermm last

189 replies

Dxbdad · 15/03/2018 19:33

To be honest, I don’t where to start.

Been married for 6 years and have two kids DS3 and DD4. DW is a wonderful mother but I have felt neglected and rejected over the last 4 years of our marriage.

I truly feel like i am the least important person in DW’s life and virtually see her making absolutely no effort at all. We started to grow apart and I became more and more resentful - I am not a man who’d cheat and never have and never will, but I have strated feeling isolated and lonely.

Years of neglect made sure that I was mostly resentful and angry for being treated in such a way when I honour all financial commitments as a sole bread winner and do my utmost best to provide for the family.

I feel like I am punishing my ownself, and the only thing that is stopping me is our DCs. A part of me still loves DW as she was my childhood sweetheart and we had been together since we were both teenagers. I could not see myself living through the guilt of splitting up the family.
Feel lost and have no idea what to do.
Would appreciate your advice.

OP posts:
Notonthestairs · 16/03/2018 20:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Quartz2208 · 16/03/2018 20:25

Are you living together at the moment or is she in Manchester and you are in Dubai?

NotTakenUsername · 16/03/2018 20:38

Quartz Shock that’s unreal isn’t it. Talk of ‘the Mrs’ ‘my plans’ ‘I think’...

NotTakenUsername · 16/03/2018 20:46

I mean, I have to respect talk guidelines, but I’m having the typing equivalent of ‘biting my tongue so hard there is blood in my mouth...’
Shock

Notonthestairs · 16/03/2018 21:07

Oh arse, Quartz and Not what am I missing? Gimme a clue (if you can).

JacksGirl123 · 16/03/2018 21:30

It's not against talk guidelines to AS the OP as you clearly have. Nothing outrageous to see if you do but him using the term 'the Mrs' is obviously highly indicative of..something sinister? apparently.

Women using 'hubby' or 'hubster' are of course just annoying.

WonderLime · 17/03/2018 07:44

For goodness sake - posts like this always end up with polar responses. It’s not you or her, it’s both of you that need to make a change.

OP: I think what you are missing here is that your DW has given up herself completely, and it’s really hard to adjust and come back from that. I assume she worked before, had a health social life, had a real sense of self-fulfilment, etc. Your DW has given up all of that to focus on your children. It may be voluntary, but until it happens you can’t say how strong the impact will be.

Try putting yourself in her shoes - imagine you gave up your job to be with the children. Lovely at first, and of course you adore them, but adult interaction becomes limited. You no longer have the time to focus on hobbies or personal wellbeing. Your life consists of children’s toys, making children meals, naps and bedtime routines, snotty noses, children’s books - just children and nothing else. It’s not surprising that she wants to switch off and watch TV and do nothing once the children are asleep.

What she actually needs from you is understanding and support - she doesn’t need you to ask how you can help (honestly one of the most annoying questions). You can use your own initiative and do something.

Do you ever take the kids for a whole day and give her time to herself? Do you put her needs above the children’s and yours? I can’t see anywhere that you do. Helping around the house isn’t for her.

On the other hand, she needs to take some responsibility and find things that interest her. Going back to work could certainly help. Spending an hour at the gym a few nights a week. Doing things away from the children so she can see that everything doesn’t need to be about the kids. But you need to help facilitate that for her.

Heismyopendoor · 17/03/2018 08:39

What did your DW say when you have spoke to her about how you are feeling?

Whisky2014 · 17/03/2018 08:47

I think I would say to her "it's either counselling or divorce." You'd hope she'd maybe start to take it more seriously then and if she chooses divorce then you know you're not wasting time anymore.

Robin233 · 17/03/2018 10:21

Everything wonderlime said :)

RainyApril · 17/03/2018 10:51

Wonderlime, She's studying for a PGCE so doesn't sound like she's short of adult interaction.

WonderLime · 17/03/2018 10:57

RainyApril I think I must be missing a post somewhere as I can’t see that? Plus who looks after the children then? Is it home study?

And that still doesn’t actually negate anything else I said.

RainyApril · 17/03/2018 13:23

On the other thread. It does negate your points about self fulfilment, wellbeing, limited adult interaction, her life being about the dc and nothing else.

But actually, having read the other thread, I'm less sympathetic to the op. If she's doing a PGCE and doing the childcare she's rushed off her bloody feet.

Evelynismycatsformerspyname · 17/03/2018 13:37

Can you link to the other thread Rainy ?

NotTakenUsername · 17/03/2018 14:05

Well, as we are referencing the other thread I have a question.

The grandparents that are offering to babysit. The ones she’s crazy a bit silly to refuse... Do they live in Dubai or UK. How often do they see the children? Is it a case of two adults well known to the children or ‘blood is thicker than water’. Would they be visiting when they help out or are they just down the road?

For example, Dd paternal GF and SGM would have more chance of a triple lottery win than being trusted to care for her. But I’m happy with a local teen who is a dream with her and has earned my trust.

And of course I’m still itching to know if you are in Dubai flying home every six weeks or have had to move back to the UK against your preferences.

Lastly, getting a fuller picture of your attitude to money is an eye opener. It sounds like arranging a mini break was just throwing money at the problem. And that seems to be very much your attitude. Money first then everything else. Perhaps your dw will start a thread with the title:

Putting money first and family errrrm last....

Evelynismycatsformerspyname · 17/03/2018 14:27

There's no talk guideline against linking threads is there?

Yep on the other thread from a year ago it says the OP is in Dubai, and about to start an arrangement where he was visiting the UK once every 6 weeks, while "the wife" was about to start a PGCE, which she was to combine with sole care for a 2 and a 3 year old. That information puts this thread in rather a different light!

NotTakenUsername · 17/03/2018 14:54

I understand it to be poor etiquette, but I’m not sure if it changes things when the poster is claiming to be a devoted family man whilst only swooping in every month and a half and wondering why his wife is ‘neglecting’ him.

I’m sure MNHQ will let us know if it’s not ok.

I’d love to see some of the cool wives back on to share their opinion on this unintended drip feed.

JacksGirl123 · 17/03/2018 15:18

I read his other threads at the start. I always AS before I comment.

She's in the UK for a year because she wanted to study and the children with her. He's making a good salary in Dubai, visiting for a week every six weeks then she and the children are going back to Dubai till the whole family later move to the UK.

I'm really not seeing why some people are implying he's some kind of bastard from that.

Evelynismycatsformerspyname · 17/03/2018 15:30

Jack it wouldn't make him a bastard - it would make her incredibly busy, and the claim she cares about the kids and nothing else a nonsense. It also puts the "sole breadwinner" comments into a different light, as she may well have a bursary, and even if not she will be earning next year.

A PGCE is a very full on course which will be immensely demanding in combination with living mostly as a single parent to preschool children (not financially but in terms of childcare). The comments by some of the geezers and cool wives about her being lazy are miles wide of the mark if she's juggling sole responsibility for two preschoolers with a PGCE five weeks out of 6. She's probably exhausted when the OP does arrive to visit, no wonder she's in need of a rest, but he expects her to be attentive and make sure he doesn't feel neglected.

However hard the op works he'll be getting lots of downtime living by himself without childcare and child related housework to do 5 weeks out of 6.

RainyApril · 17/03/2018 15:40

I don't think this new fact negates how the op is feeling about his marriage, but my PGCE nearly killed me. I did it with four dc, but with a dh to support me in practical ways. Op, if you're still reading, my advice is unchanged but don't underestimate how stressed and shattered she may be.

JacksGirl123 · 17/03/2018 15:44

I think we misread it actually - his thread in Jan I think says wife took a year out for a PGCE previously and is returning TO UK rather than from in August 2018 but wants them all to move back to the UK now.

I think they're all in Dubai currently.

NotTakenUsername · 17/03/2018 15:58

We are currently living in Dubai and have two children aged 3 and 4 (my wife took a one year break from Dubai to do a PGCE Primary course in Manchester and is returning in Aug 2018) She feels that primary education in Dubai may not be good enough and hence we should move to the UK right away.

I read it as:
Dw (or ‘wifey’ Hmm)and dc in UK.
Op in Dubai. Dw returning to Dubai after her ‘break’ in August 2018.

Notonthestairs · 17/03/2018 16:10

My impression from the two previous threads was that the Op's wife was unhappy in Dubai and wants to move back to the UK permanently. The Op wants to stay for another 5 years. There has been some conflict over this issue.

Nobody has to explain their life story but I'd say that information was pertinent to questions about feeling neglected in your marriage and "putting children first and spouse errrrm last".

JacksGirl123 · 17/03/2018 16:12

Because he hasn't mentioned that they're living apart at all (which is relevant when he's talking about growing apart) and talks about what time he gets home from work etc I'm now reading it as she previously took a year out (presumably pre-DC and is returning to complete it in August 2018). It says 'we live in Dubai.....she feels we should move to the UK right away which would be on odd way to word it if she was already there with the DC and had been for over six months? Even if she wasn't there permanently.

Neither of us know though and OP seems to have disappeared.

NotTakenUsername · 17/03/2018 16:19

16/06/2017:

  • wife is going back to the UK to do PGCE (to be a qualified teacher) and my DD will be going to nursery for a year in Uk and will then come back to Dubai for three years before moving back to the UK.

To me the future tense and Dd age in this post fits with op currently being in Dubai while dw is in UK.

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