Putting children first and spouse ermm last

[Dxbdad]

To be honest, I don’t where to start.

Been married for 6 years and have two kids DS3 and DD4. DW is a wonderful mother but I have felt neglected and rejected over the last 4 years of our marriage.

I truly feel like i am the least important person in DW’s life and virtually see her making absolutely no effort at all. We started to grow apart and I became more and more resentful - I am not a man who’d cheat and never have and never will, but I have strated feeling isolated and lonely.

Years of neglect made sure that I was mostly resentful and angry for being treated in such a way when I honour all financial commitments as a sole bread winner and do my utmost best to provide for the family.

I feel like I am punishing my ownself, and the only thing that is stopping me is our DCs. A part of me still loves DW as she was my childhood sweetheart and we had been together since we were both teenagers. I could not see myself living through the guilt of splitting up the family.
Feel lost and have no idea what to do.
Would appreciate your advice.

@quartz - I couldn’t possibly force a andult to speak for themselves to tell me what’s bothering them? Even a conversation seems to be pretty much one way and the attitude is usually to “just let it be”

Having said that I have lost count of the number of times I have initiated a conversation to address not only my concerns but also the issues she has with me, but there is hardly ever a meaningful conversation.

Just because I am a man doesn’t mean that I am just looking for sex!!!! If it was just sex then there are a million options out there, so stop suggesting that it’s just my sexual needs that are driving this conversation and if that was the case then I would spend a days worth of wage to get some and everything would be fine right?

I think some of the ladies here think that men have absolutely no emotions and the only thing they want is a happy “d**k”

Happiness for me is not entirely connected to sex! Just to make it clear! It’s about being in a nourishing and a flourishing environment.

Surely the DCs will be at nursery and school soon. Giving DW lots of day time free to do housekeeping and leaving her more relaxed in the evening. What does she do whilst you are bath, bedding and reading to DCs. Surely by the time you join her you have an hour or three free together?

I understand that you're trying to improve things, OP. But you're not going about it the right way, I'm afraid. Asking her how you can 'help' isn't the way ahead; it's your dirty plates, your dirty washing etc.

My DH, for example, does sometimes prepare the tea. He used to ask me what I'd planned, I said look in the freezer and see what's there, there's plenty of choice. And he'd keep on asking when was bath time/bed time? In the end it wasn't a break, I thought I may as well just do it myself.

As a PP suggested, you could book a spa day for her, and you do the childcare and get the kids to bed. Then you could have a meal ready for her, with a bottle of her favourite wine. Maybe her favourite takeaway, or an M&S meal if you're not confident with the cooking. Then she might be more receptive to actually seeing you as her DH and not just her DCs' dad, and herself as your DW and not just mum.

I think I'd rather like my DH to see this thread.

OP - I think you are a good guy getting a hard time here by some posters.

I think the SAHM thing and children exhausting her are a straw man.

All lot of women have been in your wife's shoes, SAHM, exhausted by dealing with little people all day. But..... most of us recognized we needed some breaks, and a lot of us did desire affection and intimacy from our husbands. I know by the time my second was a toddler I was very interested in intimacy again. Unfortunately my husband wasn't for whatever reason (not weight gain fwiw) and it was a very lonely life.

And what exactly do you feel your role is in creating that nourishing and flourishing environment?

My children were born to unmarried parents. You're projecting, Shatner.

I was the needy partner in my relationship. I needed attention, approval, sex and companionship. he didn't want to give it to me, he felt he had more important things to do. I made myself pathetic in trying to gain those things anyway.

Whining and wailing and sulking and threatening does not make someone respect you enough to willingly give you what you want.

You have to fix yourself first.

Women do not want to have loving sex or spend adult time with someone they do not respect. Whining and sulking and demanding turns you into a chore and puts you in the child box in her mind. Mothers do not have sex with children, and are actively repelled by adult neeny and attentionseeking behaviour.

My advice to OP is to get a hhobby that doesn't involve her, and then DON'T involve her. Stop making her your world, you're not hers.

Qvar See - it works both ways, doesn't it? One can presume and assume all sorts of things based on the way things are phrased. it's best to stick to FACTS, rather than assuming, as you have done with the OP.

But now your advice to someone who wants a closer relationship with his wife is to spend more time away from her? Yeah, can see that being a good move.

Why, his role is sole bread winner, of course...

And some Disney dad stuff here and there (not paying enough attention to the children to notice one of them is a picky eater or understanding the PITA this is, though ) and asking if there is anything he can do to ‘help’.

What is especially awful (some may even say cruel) in this kind of relationship is that the DH tries lots of things to improve the situation when in reality there probably isn't anything they can do as they're no longer wanted.

Add to this the fact the DW won't tell him the real reason and things continue in an awful limbo as he exhausts all options until he eventually gives up too. This could be a considerable time if he's a decent DH committed to his family.

The final icing on the cake is that the DH is the one to make the decision to break up the family as the DW can't bring herself to do it, and doesn't want the associated guilt.

It would be easier and kinder all round if the DW just let her DH know the truth and not prolong the inevitable unnecessarily so everyone can get on with their lives and remain amicable.

For the simple fact that you're a man posting on here, you will be in the wrong and everyone will think of a million reasons for your wife to display such behaviours and why you're wrong for feeling like you do.

I do hope you can speak to your wife about this and you can resolve the issues.

It's a fantastic move if your motivation isn't to make the OP do as he''s told like a good wittle wage slave, but to take some control over his life by working out what he wants, what he needs and how to get it. Not seeing much help from your quarter, tbh Shatner

@NotTakenUsername exactly I think his other posts highlight exactly what he thinks of his wife and her role and her career

Don’t have an affair or use loads of porn. If you don’t want to continue like this, don’t. Get legal advice and counselling for you alone.

What was your wife like before the children?

OP, what did your DW actually say when you voiced your concerns "with absolute clarity" What were her exact words?

Quartz2208 I agree. Trying to subtly win over the womenfolk with sleazy charm and changing his rhetoric from ‘my wife is crazy’ to ‘my wife is a bit silly’...

What nonsense.

Here’s your solution OP. Ask not what your DW can do for you, but what you can do for your DW. I’d say that shift in attitude from entitled manchild to loving supportive team player would see a vast improvement IF the attitude shift was genuine and permanent.

You are not guilt free here. You felt neglected as soon as a baby came along. Did you at least allow her 6 weeks postpartum to heal first?

You resent her now... but I’d be willing to bet that when you told her who you were in those early days as new parents she listened, and she heard you loud and clear, and she didn’t like it one bit. And as they say, “ding ding dong, the bell never unrings quite so loudly...” I think resentment is an emotion she may be familiar with.

OP ignore a lot of the comments on here - I suspect you're exhausting all options to improve the situation but eventually you'll work out that there's nothing you can really do.

Read some of the other threads where DWs used to, but stop fancying/wanting their DHs (apart from possibly the financial security), their primary focus has become the DCs and their well-being. You may get promises to spend more time together etc but it'll fizzle out again.

It's a horrible situation as the DW doesn't want to upset the chidren's lives as the DCs still want you around, but I suspect the DW no longer fancies or wants you around but is probably afraid to discuss the topic let alone admit this and will also feel horribly guilty if you're a decent DH.

If you do manage to discuss it you may have bizarre conversations that don't make logical sense as the real reasons get skirted around - your DW may mention some situation where you failed to do something which made her unhappy and so next time you try to do this thing, but it's really a red-herring.

I suspect you could do everything around the house but you're missing what the real underlying problem is - she just doesn't want or fancy you any more but can't say it. Eventually you may discuss going for counseling, having a trial separation but I'm not sure how successful this will be as I haven't got this far yet.

This is just my theory and I have hoped all this time I was wrong, but having being going through this for a long time this is the conclusion I'm coming to. Good luck.

OP I think you need to be aware that lots of the advice you've been given here may be coloured by the posters own relationships (past and present) and aren't entirely objective.

If you can get past the man haters and those that have decided their entire universe revolves around their children and you're worse than the devil for wanting some attention you have been given some helpful advice.

I know you've said you've tried to talk to her but you need to try again to have an honest and open conversation. Do it when there are no distractions. Ask her if she's happy, what could be done to improve the relationship, try what's called in counseling terms the 'miracle' question - if money, time, were no issue what would her perfect life look like? That might give you something to work from . Try not to approach it by saying what you think is wrong and why you're unhappy. Flip it and use positive forward thinking language.

Wishing you the best of luck op

'Ask not what your DW can do for you, but what you can do for your DW.'

Haha, I can just imagine a woman posting here about her neglectful disinterested dh and being told 'maybe you need to do more for him'.

I agree. Prostrating himself is not going to win any respect

Haha, I can just imagine a woman posting here about her neglectful disinterested dh and being told 'maybe you need to do more for him'.

Haha, can you imagine a woman coming on here and complaining that her husband does everything on the house and with the kids, and is amazing but just doesn’t give her enough attention, after all she is the sole bread winner...

OP I'm saddened to read your posts. I was in a similar situation except the roles were reversed. I believe wholeheartedly that exDH had no respect for me...but he loves his kids ... I was a baby machine in his eyes.

I ended the marriage a couple of years ago. I wasn't strong enough to cope with the atmosphere, the shit treatment any longer. I also knew I was setting a terrible example to the kids..

I digress.... I think you need to establish some 'lines in the sand' with her. Then work towards staying on the right side of the lines.

I'm saddened I couldn't make my marriage work, however I accept that I had nothing to work with as regards his attitude/respect for me was concerned. It was do or die. I came close to suicide. Very very close.

Wish you all the best OP

OP, have to be honest, for whatever reason I don’t think she likes you enough, other than as a dad. I have had periods of disengaging, but it was stuff he did that was disloyal that triggered it. Even then though I behave far warmer than this and it wasn’t always deserved. I think it is tiring being with 2 small ones, but it’s just as tiring in a different way working full time and having small ones. Well done though for not making the discussionall about not enough sex!! That’s what is usually the underlying thing on threads like this usually posted by guys and that does annoy me

Does she still love you?

Nottaken, I think his complaint is that she doesn't give him any attention, isn't it?

No love, affection, interest. No willingness to seek out his company, spend time with him, go to counselling, go on holiday or talk about their problems.