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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

The cat is.out of the bag, just want to protect my DD

214 replies

niteandfog · 04/03/2018 11:47

For.thode who know.my story, everybody now knows about the affair. I know I'll get substantial amounts of name calling as expected, but my main worry is my DD. Although I still can't think of what they could do to her I just want to protect her from this fallout. I think I'll probably have to change her of school, but I guess it's sely days.

OP posts:
DollyRose102 · 04/03/2018 12:36

@BunchOfYellowTulips I'm sure lots of people agree with you. In fact reading Mumsnet regularly I know they do! I used to think that too.

Just thinking it's not helpful to slate someone when they are asking for advice. OP prob feels awful as it is and wants to protect her daughter.

LTS2018 · 04/03/2018 12:37

Bet you're delighted OP Hmm

And I say that as someone who has 'transitioned'. Your attitude stinks.

missmoz · 04/03/2018 12:39

OP prob feels awful as it is and wants to protect her daughter You would think, but I think OP has posted several about the whole dramatic situation and the impact on her daughter seems to be pretty far from her mind

LTS2018 · 04/03/2018 12:39

Suggest readers who aren't familiar with the OP's back story check out her previous threads before posting.

missmoz · 04/03/2018 12:40

You've had months to consider this outcome OP, a last minute change of schools is just going to cause her more disruption and stress.

Minus4 · 04/03/2018 12:42

Are you and the new man not living together? I thought you moved out. Who does your daughter live with?

NeedsAsockamnesty · 04/03/2018 12:43

Oh come one the op has practically been waiting for the drama eagerly and is now having a wobble because she didn’t factor in that people at the school will be giving her looks.

It’s fuck all about her daughter, she just wants to avoid embarrassment for herself

PoorYorick · 04/03/2018 12:45

I don't condone affairs but I really do understand the power of sex and human intimacy, and the complexity of relationships. So I really don't think all affairs are the same, or that everybody who has one is an evil monster who deserves fire and brimstone for eternity.

But there are a couple of things that happen a lot that DO annoy me. One, as I said before, people who act as though their affair just happened to them and take no responsibility for it. And the second: people who, when their affair is found out, suddenly become all about protecting the children, when this was never a concern before.

OP has been engineering this situation and preparing for it ('transitioning') for a long time. Her daughter should have featured in these preparations long before now.

BunchOfYellowTulips · 04/03/2018 12:45

@Dolly, maybe the OP feels awful but, again, the affair was her choice, has been going on for months, and it seems as if the concern for her daughter has not been high on her list.

Also, I’m really interested to learn about the different ‘reasons’ for affairs.

RainyApril · 04/03/2018 12:46

Funny how adulterers worry disproportionately about any hurt that might come their way whilst not giving a shit about how hurt the other oblivious players in their sordid little drama might be.

Op, the attention of this (worthless, unfaithful, lying, pathetic) man meant more to you than anything else, and this is now the inevitable end result.

PoorYorick · 04/03/2018 12:48

Also, I’m really interested to learn about the different ‘reasons’ for affairs.

Well, there's the guy trawling Ashley Madison while his exhausted wife breastfeeds their six-week-old while recovering from a horrible birth. That guy's an arsehole.

Then there's the person like a dear friend of mine, whose husband totally ignored her for years (she was SAHM to three kids), gave her no intimacy, wouldn't discuss the issue, told her she was 'made up' because 'he paid the bills' and what more could she possibly want, who never lifted a finger in the house because of said bills, made a stink when she asked if he could stay in with the kids so she could meet friends, etc etc. When she met another man (arsehole) who didn't actually treat her like a commodity and overall piece of shit, she did have an affair. I really, really can't compare her to the first theoretical person.

Fairenuff · 04/03/2018 12:50

It would be selfish to move your dd from her school.

So I expect you'll do that.

DollyRose102 · 04/03/2018 12:51

@BunchOfYellowTulips I'm reading the book to understand what those reasons are. Not that far through yet, it's interesting as infidelity is so common just to read it and get a perspective from other angles.

I have read the back story.

FizzyGreenWater · 04/03/2018 12:59

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PerrieGrey · 04/03/2018 13:03

I don't think you're going to get the reassurance you need on mn. There are a lot of women on here who's male partners have cheated on them with a woman such as yourself, and to be honest, sympathy is not likely to be found here. I have been through this and your actions are truly destructive. Not only to relationships but to the way that woman will now live the rest of her life. It has a hugely profound effect on your children, and any other parties involved. For this one, you probably do deserve to suffer a little. As harsh as that sounds. Unless the man you slept with was a victim of domestic violence or abuse, there is no condoning this. Nobody is going to make you feel better. Nobody is going to help your daughter understand.

NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 04/03/2018 13:03

Don't move your daughter to a different school because you can't face the other mum's at the school gate. That takes selfishness to a whole new level.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 04/03/2018 13:04

Your chance to protect your DD was before you dropped your knickers. Too late now. At least have the guts to tell her the truth before she hears it from the kids at school.

gillybeanz · 04/03/2018 13:06

There's never any excuse for an affair, anyone who does this is low life, selfish and certainly doesn't care for their kids and family.

If you aren't happy, separate and divorce, it's not fuckin rocket science.

PNGirl · 04/03/2018 13:06

Oh no. Tiny violins for you OP.

Greenkit · 04/03/2018 13:09

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FrancisCrawford · 04/03/2018 13:12

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OhCalamity · 04/03/2018 13:15

Congratulations, OP. This is what you wanted, is it not? You wanted your OM to get found out, you wanted the cat out of the bag so that you could transition from an affair to a 'main relationship' as you put it in your last thread a couple of weeks ago.

So now he's been outed against his wishes. I suspect that while you are utterly thrilled he can't sneak around on his wife anymore and is being forced to take actions that may move your 'transition' along, he may not be feeling likewise.

Anyway, it's going to be interesting to see how you deal with this cat now.

Lifeisabeach09 · 04/03/2018 13:15

Judgmental crowd.
Lots of reasons why people cheat. Definitely agree it's not black and white.
Not so easy for someone trapped in an unhappy or abusive relationship to just leave.
Hope your DD is not dragged in, OP. If you and new guy are together, maybe, a fresh start for all is for the best,

AthenasOwl · 04/03/2018 13:16

So he's been denying to his ex wife that he'd been having an affair? You know why that is don't you? He wanted to eventually go back to his little family.
He sounds like such a prize..you deserve him :)

gillybeanz · 04/03/2018 13:16

Does she have a Dad that could be a good role model, all children deserve this and maybe she'd be better off with him or another family member who won't embarrass her and put her first.
Please learn from this and keep your knickers on, your poor dd is going to have to hear a lot of words associated with women who are easy.

Are you not ashamed of yourself?