DP just diagnosed with Aspergers - advice?

[Spacecadet43]

So my DP has recently been diagnosed with Aspergers which has brought me mixed feelings really, but it’s helped me accept that there are genuine reasons for some of his difficult behaviour. Is anyone out there in a similar situation that has any advice about living with someone with Aspergers?

Hi, I'm an aspie too. I have no major advice really as we're as unique and each of you NT's are. He's still the same person as he was pre-diagnosis. What sort of difficult behaviour are you referring to?

I’m the aspie. Are there any questions in particular? I can answer from my perspective and ask my partner for his too if that would be helpful.

Hi thanks for your responses! Absolutely right that everyone is individual regardless but I guess in my DPs case it is in terms of being unable to multitask or deal with more than one thing at a time which can cause him awful stress which results in aggression or moodiness. He struggles hugely socially and with offering emotional support and has obsessive tendencies/can fixate on an interest or project to the point of not noticing anything or anyone else! We have 4 children so it can be problematic!! For context we are in our 40s and I was struggling to make sense of a lot of his behaviour so diagnosis has come as somewhat of a relief to us both

My DH is an Aspie and our son has ASD. It's sometimes very difficult to have a relationship with my husband for reasons you gave. But also I love his traits too.
I have found that since my DS had his diagnosis I am much more understanding of my DH. He even finds it difficult to relate to why our DS does certain things when I thought it would be opposite (the whole kindred spirits thing), but no.
I just can sometimes take a bit more patience.
I find my DH can be so dogmatic at times, he really can't see things from other people's point of view at all that could just be a personality trait and nothing to do with Aspergers though!
It can be hard, But my DS consultant said when telling me of his diagnosis knowledge is power get reading, you will never find any text that relates exactly to your DP as everyone is different. However, it can give you a degree of understanding,and it does help.

Hello! My DP has undiagnosed Asperger's (blatantly obvious though and his nephew has it). Us finding out actually helped the relationship as I used to think he was just difficult. Communication is key! Example, I used to hint at things then get annoyed when he didn't pick up on it. It's much easier to be direct. He does get moody and obsessional about certain things but wouldn't change him.

You need to read 'Aspergers syndrome for the neurotypical partner' by Alice Rowe.
It's available from here Aspergers & NT partners

@vonnie2016 thank you for that yes I need to start reading up I’ve watched various documentaries and read blogs by various partners of Aspies but need to find out more. Our DD is showing some signs too but is only 2 so a bit early to be sure yet! I do feel the diagnosis it’s helped us both understand why he thinks so differently.
@Andromeida29 Yes! Exactly that - he is extremely direct bordering on rude sometimes which I used to really struggle with but I’m learning I need to be more direct myself as he doesn’t pick up too well on subtle nuances. I think the diagnosis has helped him hugely to start understanding himself
@heslingborg thanks so much for that will get it ordered

Oh gosh yes. My DH does not take hints. If I want him to do something I have to tell him very directly, same with my son.
I think the main thing I had to learn was to not take offense when he is so direct it comes across as rude. It is hard but a bit of muttering under my breath and ignore gets me through it.
It's difficult, as he the kindest funniest man I know, but when he gets an idea whether it is that I am wrong in an argument or a project, he is like a dog with a bone.

Hi there

I already mentioned Maxine Asten in the other thread,

there is also a book called Aspergers Syndrome and long term relationships by Ashley Stanford.

And there is a free Open University short course on Autism.

We are also in our 40s with 3 children, and the eldest also has it we are sure, but she’s never been diagnosed. It became very apparent when she started uni last year. Up to then we took it to be being an introvert, geeky, socially a bit naive.
Since reading up on it because of my DH we are sure she is on the spectrum too. She has read a few books about it and agrees.

What I would strongly suggest to you is that you look after your own needs.
I tend to think for everyone in this household, planning, the whole mental load, it’s exhausting.
My DH can’t do two things at once and if I talk to him while he’s doing something it won’t register.
He’s just put another dent in the car because someone talked to him while he was driving.

We had a really rough patch last year and I was in therapy. The therapist then pointed towards Aspergers, after what I told him and he was right. It probably saved our marriage.
I wouldn’t recommend going to couple therapy with your DP, as most therapists have no experience with autism and it can be a disaster.
My DH refused anyway and the books I read afterwards all agreed it can do more harm than good, unless you find a specialised therapist.

All the best!

My DP is exactly the same, he always has to be right and there is little room for manoeuvre!! Once he’s stepped back from something and given it more thought he’s often more relenting but at the time this single mindedness can be really frustrating!! Tbh our relationship had been becoming very strained lately as I was starting to feel very emotionally neglected but with the diagnosis I’m learning to understand the differences between us and want to learn more about how to manage them! I’m naturally a warm empathetic person and I’m quite sensitive so it’s learning not to take thing so personally too!

Open Uni course
www.open.edu/openlearn/health-sports-psychology/psychology/the-autistic-spectrum-theory-practice/content-section-0?active-tab=description-tab

It’s not focussed on Aspergers but the whole spectrum, and I found it too much but DH liked it.
I read the books I recommended, because they were written by women in relationships with Aspie men, and some of it had me crying on the sofa, it was so very much describing what I have felt for years.

Spacecadet, that’s what I meant by looking after your needs.

I have learned to be very open about what I need from him because he can’t take any hints like NT people.
For example If I need a hug, I have to ask for it, he can’t really see when I’m upset.
On the other hand he is the kindest and most gentle person I know, it somehow doesn’t add up. That’s Aspergers for you.
He’s not neglecting you on purpose, he’s probably doing things for you he thinks show he cares (and it might not be what you need at all).

@mellifera thank you so much for your message it’s really reassuring to hear others stories as it’s difficult to discuss with friends and family as they don’t always see DP as I do although a lot understand he is quiet introverted and moody they don’t see the extent of the problem! For example I recently came up with the ludicrous idea he was having an affair because he was spending so much time with his head in his phone to the exclusion of all else - it turns out he was very meticulously researching an item of clothing he wanted to buy and he was spending hours and hours over it. It’s the same with anything - gadgets cars holidays etc he becomes fixated/ obsession. At least I can start to understand why now!
Its extremely difficult to keep him calm and focussed when there is a lot going on and I’ve been becoming increasingly exasperated by this but with the diagnosis I can see it’s part of the Aspergers. I have an ongoing health problem of my own which he often struggles to support me with but since diagnosis his self awareness is improving and atm we are both trying to find ways of meeting each other’s needs more. Thanks for that about the couples’ counselling that’s very valuable info. When we went to gp for initial consultation I ended up rattling on with all of the issues we have surrounding what I now know is the Aspergers because he sat there and played everything down! Luckily he’s been happy for me to attend appointments with him.
Will get book ordering asap thank you!

My DH has been downplaying it, as if it was somehow his fault.

Quite a few books out there are useless as they seem to think you can fix Aspergers or somehow they turn it into an illness to be cured.
There is nothing to be cured or fixed, it’s how they are wired.
My DH didn’t see a problem with it until I was at my wits end.

We’ve learned how to talk to each other without me getting frustrated (because he would just be silent and then walk off) and I’ve stopped trying to facilitate a social life with him, I do things on my own now.
He just doesn’t enjoy parties and gatherings (overwhelmed quickky) and I am an extrovert and love meeting people.
We do things together we both enjoy.

You’ll find a way to communicate, reading the books opened my eyes about the way he sees the world, as he of course can’t describe it but agreed on so many aspects I found astonishing.
I’ve lived with someone for 25 years and yes, I knew he was different, but I didn’t realise the extent of it.

@mellifera your life sounds like mine!! We don’t get out much atm with a small demanding child and not a huge babysitting network but eventually I will want to again. I often wondered why he was so withdrawn at family gatherings and put it down to him being a miserable git but I can understand now it is his huge discomfort in these situations. I guess the meticulous attention to detail over what he wears/how things fit is part of it too. I have 3 wonderful older children who live with us (DS at uni though) and there have been times when a big family occasion such as one of their Birthdays have been badly affected by his moods and odd behaviour which I’ve been mortified and resentful about but it all makes more sense now to me and to them. I think I’m going to have to understand more about triggers - for example give him more of a background role and give him space! Others will hopefully be more inclined to support this since diagnosis. He is reading lots about it himself so at least he is accepting of the Aspergers so we are having conversations about things to recognise and improve. I guess it’s the future I worry about as once the children have left home I have visions of us sitting in separate chairs and him becoming more and more introverted and me more lonely as a consequence!! I always imagined us doing things together so hope that is still a reality for us!!

Hi OP - I've noticed there are quite a few support groups for people whose partners are on the autistic spectrum, all advertised on MeetUp. Might be worth having a look to see whether there's one local to you - I keep meaning to go along to one but haven't made it yet. Glad to hear your DP is reading and discussing with you, that's v positive and should hopefully help you as a couple :-)

@TarquinsMama Thanks so much for that I will look into it it’s all a bit bewildering at times while we both get to grips with things.

Probably not what you want to hear but I ended it with my Aspie husband due to controlling behaviour which amounted to emotional abuse. Also infidelity. Ultimately I felt his Aspieness only excused so much. I very strongly believe in an Aspie-NT marriage, both parties have to compromise. Compromise sometimes comes hard to the Aspie but it is perfectly possible. My ex to this day believes he never did anything wrong and it is all down to me it ended. It ended because after 10 years my patience ran out and he would not take even one step to meet me part way.

Oh @purpleangel17 I’m really sorry to hear that and I fully understand that there’s only so much any person can take of being treated like that. My partner is not abusive as such it’s more moods and grumpiness and frustration when he can’t cope with something. He’s actually quietly romantic and remembers small details and can be very thoughtful in his own way. He struggles with emotion and expressing feelings but we are getting there. I agree wholeheartedly though that there are things that the Aspergers is not responsible for I’m concerned my DP will put all of his faults or unreasonable behaviour down to to being Aspie so we will have to work hard to try to communicate more effectively moving forward and I think he’s aware of that. For the record he is a wonderful father to our DD

This site is really helpful. If you join the forum you'll find endless help and support from others who have partners with Aspergers.

www.different-together.co.uk

@ickyockycocky Thank you that looks marvellous

My DP is undiagnosed, but he's clearly on the spectrum, as are other members of his family, to various degrees (some diagnosed, others not).

The most useful thing for me to remember, when I'm having trouble with him, is that it isn't him, it's the Asperger's. It doesn't change the situation, but it helps me feel better in myself and gives me the ability to be able to step back emotionally with whatever's going on and deal with it.

As others have said, the biggest issue is communication. He really don't know, a lot of the time, how he comes across. When things are really tough for him he has a tendency to retreat into himself and ignore me. If I do manage to get a reaction from him at those times it seems rude. If I mentioned it here, on MN, with no background people would tell me it's emotional abuse and to LTB. But he has absolutely no idea that he's doing this. From my point of view, having to tell him he's in a bad mood / ignoring me or whatever is excruciating, but it's the only thing that works. And he appreciates it. I've also had to step in when he's had problems at work, and tell his colleagues about the autism, as he can't.

@TimeIhadaNameChange I can relate to so much of what you are saying here. I strongly suspect DPs DF also has Aspergers but he can’t see he has any mental health issues at all which is very frustrating for all of DPs family. I worked in education with children with Autism and Aspergers so I have to say that helped me recognise the traits in DP and I pointed him in the direction of a few online articles which in the past I don’t think he’d have looked at but things have been reaching crisis point recently so he did and he instantly recognised a lot of aspects of himself. I agree with you entirely about communication my DP uses distraction techniques or buries his head in something geeky like his vast music collection or searching endlessly online at anything rather than deal with RL!! He’s seen me in floods of tears recently over his behaviour though and was so indifferent - I know how much he cares for and loves me but at times his reactions have been very difficult to bear.

Skype counselling asperger charity:
www.actionforaspergers.org

Interesting thread, I hope you don't mind me marking my place, I find it really helpful with a currently undiagnosed 16yr old.