Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 ··· 6 7 8 9 10 11

Original poster

DP just diagnosed with Aspergers - advice?

258 replies

Spacecadet43 · 25/02/2018 19:50

So my DP has recently been diagnosed with Aspergers which has brought me mixed feelings really, but it’s helped me accept that there are genuine reasons for some of his difficult behaviour. Is anyone out there in a similar situation that has any advice about living with someone with Aspergers?

OP posts:

outabout · 15/04/2018 11:02

Over the 'intent' issue. This highlights the difference in thinking between NT and ND brains. Standing in ND shoes NT can appear unreasonable.
Not wishing to offend but most ND (certainly the milder end of Aspergers) can live perfectly complete lives so you could view it as that they are being 'oppressed' by NT's. I managed for over 55 years before I even heard the term Aspergers. I expect many thought I was a 'bit odd' or unsociable or whatever.
Obviously at some point the degree of difference will be too great to continue a happy relationship. It would be of interest to know what has changed though, as (typically) Aspergers don't 'progress' into more 'aspergerish' behaviour, is it actually the NT who has changed (become less accepting)?

Original poster

Spacecadet43 · 15/04/2018 11:41

Hi all I’ve been missing from the thread as we had a weeks holiday so just catching up. We are home now and my illness has been in flare for several days, DP not coping and interestingly is obsessively looking at houses online atm as he says on returning home our house is ‘too small’ and ‘too cluttered’ he’s in a very aggressive frame of mind and focusing on this at the exclusion of supporting me while I’m unwell and is getting very aggressive if asked to help with the domestics. I did all the cleaning packing unpacking etc on leaving holiday home and tbh that’s probably why I’m so unwell now and instead of offering practical help or care he’s wallowing in this ridiculous obsessive frame of mind. I’ve tried explaining this to him but it gets me nowhere he’s just not listening. I just feel as though we go around in circles. If I’m direct and ask him to help with something he mutters or slams something or glares at me. It’s very upsetting as when we were away with family visiting he was wonderful and helpful but once they left this all changed dramatically. Really tough atm and there is often no way of getting through to him when he’s in this sort of frame of mind.
@Devon your recent post about struggling to cope with all of the outbursts and reminding yourself it’s probably an AS reaction is totally relateable - it’s extremely difficult to keep dealing with this. Feeling absolutely worn out with it all atm

OP posts:

HomeSweetChocolate · 15/04/2018 11:48

@HintUp I wish I knew the answer but as someone who is strongly considering leaving I will say that in order to move on with your partner together, you will need to accept his "shortcomings". And in accepting those shortcomings you have to ask yourself if you will be happy accepting them. Unfortunately for me, I know I wont be. I realise that my DP has really good qualities, and shows his love in "practical ways" but I crave emotional connection so much and there just simply isn't any. It's also exhausting navigating life with someone who doesn't "get it" on various different things from day to day. I'm so lonely most of the time, so even if did learn to accept it I'd still be very unhappy

Chouetted · 15/04/2018 12:52

Relating to ASD parents, my NT mother just told me that "no-one really understands you", which was intended to be comforting but nearly broke my autistic heart to hear, so it's certainly not just ASD people who can be hard to have as parents.

HomeSweetChocolate · 15/04/2018 13:30

As for the impact on children, my DP's dd (full custody of because he is a widow) has a lot of behaviour problems. She only behaves poorly with him and with me and everyone else she is fine. Watching them too together is like watching a car crash in slow motion sometimes. I've done my very best for her and her behaviour has improved a lot with my input. I also suggested that my DP take her to therapy so that she could discuss her feelings about her mother. But deep down I know her behaviour will always be the way it is because her father simply can't communicate with her very well.

Examples of poor communication:

using sarcasm about topics that are not appropriate for her age group (she is only 7)
talking to her in a way that isn't age appropriate.
watching violent films around her and having to tell him that's not age appropriate for her to watch.
going from 1-100 in rage when she has dropped a cup by accident (although he doesn't do this one as much these days as I pulled him up on it. He used to do this type of thing a lot when the event was just an accident?!)
not knowing how to play with her. Playfulness also tends to term sour...
not telling her behaviour is unacceptable when she is shouting at the top of her voice at him (but to be fair I feel the same as her most days (frustrated) so I feel this is a difficult one to enforce)...
not understanding when she has had enough and he will keep forcing and forcing the issue until she has a complete meltdown.
pushing her off him or acting annoyed when she comes to give him a cuddle. Yes sometimes she can be a bit clumsy when she jumps on him, but she means well. But his reaction is hurtful and he doesn't seem to get that...

I could go on and on...

Chouetted · 15/04/2018 14:13

My question would be, has she had it explained to her, or has she just been left to be confused? If she's been told he doesn't like cuddles, and continues to give them, then I'd be a bit concerned, because it suggests she's got a poor understanding of bodily autonomy.

Shouting at the top of your voice may not be unacceptable behaviour, depending on the context and whether she's actually aware she's doing it - I certainly would never tell a child off for it unless I was absolutely certain they were doing it deliberately.

It seems to me that some of the things you describe are unacceptable for a parent, and some are just differences.

That you pick up on him not playing with her particularly surprises me - parents playing with children must be a fairly recent invention, at her age I was out on the streets and in and out of houses playing with a bunch of other children and one or two adults who were mostly just supervising to make sure we didn't get run over.

FluctuatNecMergitur · 15/04/2018 14:23

She's seven and her mum is dead. She needs lots of cuddles from her surviving parent, poor wee mite.

Chouetted · 15/04/2018 14:29

I think we might have different understandings of the word need.

FluctuatNecMergitur · 15/04/2018 14:31

Can you explain?

Chouetted · 15/04/2018 14:36

If the surviving partner had no arms, would he be unable to meet her emotional needs?

If yes, then needs cuddles is the right word. If not, then she has a need for physical/emotional comfort which she wants to solve with cuddles. Does that make more sense?

Chouetted · 15/04/2018 14:46

Sorry if that sounds quite harsh, but I've had friends with children on the at risk register, so in these sorts of conversations my thoughts tend to revolve around "Is it in this child's best interests for me to call social services? ".

FluctuatNecMergitur · 15/04/2018 14:48

Yes it does. But where does it leave the bereaved child, whether she wants / needs cuddles and isn't getting them from her dad?

HomeSweetChocolate · 15/04/2018 15:10

She is aware shouting at the top of your voice at your dad because "No I don't want to tidy my toys up!!!!!! I hate you " is unacceptable....I think it's unacceptable

She doesn't continue to cuddle him when he says no. But for me, i think it's hurtful when she is pushed away for affection when she doesn't have a mum. We have just come back from swimming and she banged her head on the slide. She was really upset and he was just talking to her, and well the "talking" wasn't helping her so I just scooped her up and gave her a big cuddle and lots of kisses and she was instantly fine afterwards. I'm a firm believer in giving children affection but that's me.

Chouetted · 15/04/2018 16:19

It comes down to the fact that the people involved in looking after her need to sit down and think about how to meet her needs. If she's very cuddly, I'd be inclined to make her dad go and buy her the biggest teddy bear in the store, give it an old t-shirt of his, so it smells right, and tell her that cuddles are painful for daddy, but that the bear can give her extra cuddles from daddy when she wants them. You can put voices and all sorts in them these days. But I'm an old romantic at heart.

Really it depends on the child, who obviously isn't here.

HomeSweetChocolate · 15/04/2018 16:54

I AM involved in looking after her as well as DP who isn't capable of understanding the entirety of her needs. We live together and have done for 3 years.

HomeSweetChocolate · 15/04/2018 16:56

And cuddles aren't painful for him. He just doesn't particularly like doing them a lot. And I'm sorry but a teddy bear with an old t-shirt on it doesn't cut it. He is unable to meet her emotional needs on any level and it has affected her as well as myself.

I'm starting to get a bit pissed off with your replies actually so I won't be replying to you anymore.

Chouetted · 15/04/2018 16:58

Alright, I can understand that. I'm sorry I pissed you off, and I won't respond to your posts anymore.

devoncreamtea · 15/04/2018 17:48

himesweetchocolate do you think that it might be useful for your family to think about family therapy? I have a friend who is training and one of her interests is in supporting bereaved families. It sounds like you are doing a wonderful job of identifying what your step daughter needs and helping your dp to support her, but maybe it would be supportive for you to have someone who could work with all the dynamics of the family so that you aren't shouldering all the responsibility. Sounds like a really heart wrenching situation. Look after yourself in it all

HintUp · 15/04/2018 19:49

@Spacecadet43

I'm sorry to hear of your struggles, it must be really tough. The acting really helpful and caring around family really resonates with me. My DH does this alot and it really irritates me as it feels like he is putting up a show. So he will suddenly start asking 'shall I fill the dishwasher', oh that 'I'm going to wait for you to have breakfast'. It really frustrates me as once they've gone it's all over. Why do they do this?!

Chouetted · 15/04/2018 20:15

Hint, that sounds like masking, and if it is then it basically IS putting on a show - masking 24/7 can be possible but only with the sacrifice of physical and mental health. So I suppose you might have to try to balance the irritation with how much of a sacrifice of his health you're willing to ask him to make.

Freedtuckmaster · 15/04/2018 20:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Spacecadet43 · 15/04/2018 21:09

Thank you @Hint much appreciated yep infuriating and @Chou yes I think he’s concentrated so much effort into appearing calm and helpful and unflappable during family visits that the masking drains him and it all comes out in a knot of frustration after. It just makes it difficult as others aren’t seeing what I see or are unaware making them less inclined to understand the depth of the problems. My DCs see it though which is obviously not ideal but as they are much older apart from our DD it appears not to trouble them too much.

Oh @Freedtuckmaster that is absolutely heartbreaking are you ok? Is there anyone in RL you can turn too? Feeling very concerned about you sending much love

OP posts:

devoncreamtea · 15/04/2018 21:51

Crikey freedtucker where are you now? Do you have people to go to? Please look after yourself.

Freedtuckmaster · 15/04/2018 22:01

Thank you Devon and Space. Currently booked into a lovely room in a well known hotel chain. I've run the deepest bath and eating chocolate with zero guilt. Completely relieved. I've done my prison sentence. I am well educated, healthy and now sane. I'm going to be OK.

Freedtuckmaster · 15/04/2018 22:02

Apologies to OP for inappropriate posting. Have asked they are removed.

Flip

1 2 ··· 6 7 8 9 10 11