DP just diagnosed with Aspergers - advice?

[Spacecadet43]

So my DP has recently been diagnosed with Aspergers which has brought me mixed feelings really, but it’s helped me accept that there are genuine reasons for some of his difficult behaviour. Is anyone out there in a similar situation that has any advice about living with someone with Aspergers?

MattBerry Aspergers was once termed “extreme maleness” as it was only believed it could affect men. Men in general are often seen as less empathetic/less likely to want to talk about feelings than women, so that’s likely why.

@toffee1000 thanks so much for the clarity really interesting stuff as I wasn’t fully aware of all of that.

It is really interesting reading.

By the way.. I'm sorry if I've come across quite harsh re AS. It's not fair, because I have complex PTSD - so my situation is quite unique.

I guess my frustration is is that I've been able to recognise (and have about 3 hrs per week of different sorts of therapy for) my problems. I guess I need more emotional support than the average NT, and I feel things more strongly.

But I look to my daughter as the litmus test. She hasn't warmed to my partner (who is not her Dad) in 4 years.. She still won't give him a hug, yet she will my male friends. That's the hardest bit and the bit that has made me realise that I have to choose between my daughter and AS.

@Carnt no it’s good to get things out there and share them I know myself only too well how completely frustrating the differences can be. It sounds as though you are perhaps coming to a realisation though. I’ve been through counselling myself several times and had high level CBT and and I had undiagnosed PTSD at a very traumatic time in my life so I know about how therapy can help if we are willing to be open to it. I think maybe listen to what your gut is telling you...

There's a webinar tonight on ASD & Anxiety by the Girl with the Curly Hair

thegirlwiththecurlyhair.co.uk/events/

@Spacecadet43.. I think I've just become scared at being on my own, which is pathetic really. I need to get a grip and sort it out. Best of luck to you though x

@Carnt I fully understand. I’m tearful this morning because my back has gone (it’s been bad for weeks) and my DP has absolutely zero empathy- no offers of help or even a hug and I’m crawling round trying to do stuff. At times like this I wonder why I bother yet he took me away on Friday for a very rare night away and was more attentive although it most definitely has to be fought for. I ended up in tears trying to explain this to him while we were away. He can take me away but obviously you can’t take away the problems.

spacecadet43 that's awful. The night away was nice, but I'm sorry he is being so thoughtless right now. You may have said this before (sorry if that's the case) but how long have you been together for, and do you have kids together?
I was ill a few weeks ago and he was working from home.. I had 2 days in bed during which he didn't once offer me a cup of tea (he drinks gallons of it himself).

My daughter had a slumber party last night and he went downstairs and shouted at them for being too noisy. He doesn't understand that you can't shout at other people's kids let alone mine (he's not her Dad). Fed up of teaching any kind of social etiquette as he's not interested in learning.. plus DD said he scared her friends.

What's your relationship like generally, apart from the lack of apathy etc?

@Carnt we’ve been together over 4 years and have a 2 year old DD and I have DCs from a previous relationship but they are all older. My DP can’t do noise either and he has a slightly strained relationship with my youngest teenage daughter as she’s quite loud and silly and fun loving by nature. He complains if the tv or music is too loud in our house and if the older children are in with us he tends to retreat into his laptop or phone and won’t join in much. We are very close in some ways and I can see it troubles him that the way he reacts to things can be so frustrating and hurtful for me. I have a long term health condition so need someone supportive really. It’s funny that when we met he was kind attentive and supportive although there were always flashes of the stress and anger over things he can’t cope with. Because when we met we’d had very different lives and experiences and I’ve been through a significant amount of stress and pain in my life but his life was simplistic and straightforward before he met me!! He’s loyal and honest and I know he loves me to pieces but things are under tremendous strain atm.

It's the other things -

the lack of social awareness - there's shedloads online to help, could you do some things together like discussing scenes from films he enjoys or looking at youtube tutorials or look at books that unravel the mystique of NT communication? What's his preferred way to learn?

the burping incessantly - could that be an indicator of his anxiety levels?

The inability to hear things the first time and me spending my life having to repeat everything when he is doing something else (i.e. taking the washing out of the machine). He's admitted it isn't a hearing thing, he just can't cope with listening and doing something else at the same time - he's letting you know here loud and clear. Infuriating as it seems, tell him you need to let him know something ask him to tell you when he can listen properly.

A lot of communicating with kids on the spectrum is also applicable to communicating with partners on the spectrum.

Rebecca Burgess' guide can be helpful too, the-art-of-autism.com/understanding-the-spectrum-a-comic-strip-explanation/

Oh wow, this is the first time I've posted on MN, and felt I had to because this post really resonates with me! So many others who have described how it is for us too.
My undiagnosed husband and I really struggle at times, we've been together 17 years, married 14. We have two sons, one ASD (diagnosed age 8, now 12) the youngest (8) is NT.

I'm in a difficult place emotionally at the moment, lots went on in my family last year, then my GP convinced me to come off anti-d's, and whilst my husband is brilliant in so many ways, he just doesn't 'get it'. I'm fine with it most of the time, and we bumble along quite well, but whilst I've been feeling so low I've needed to talk. He'll listen, but I can tell by the look on his face that he just doesn't understand what he should say next. He won't offer a hug etc without me asking.
He's brilliant in that he will do the cooking, the organising (well, his kind of organising) but he just can't 'talk'. I find I have to rely on friends and family to talk with, but I do feel this limits our 'intimacy'. Does anyone else find this?

Hi @HappyKatieA yes that’s exactly like my other half. I’m going through a tough time physically and mentally as have long term chronic health condition plus having DD4 at nearly 42 threw me into an horrendous menopause. DP is really awful at offering any emotional support and although he helps physically sometimes with cooking dinner and bathing DD he can only cope with one thing at a time and even then it’s likely to stress him which makes him aggitated and passive aggressive. I seem to spend a lot of time feeling incredibly sad atm and although I can see he dislikes seeing me hurting he’s no idea how to support me and like you I have to lean on my family far more than I’d like to. He’s at the beginning of his journey with his Aspergers diagnosis and we are hoping he’s going to have some form CBT to help him stress manage a little better. I love him to bits and he’s a very loving father to our DD it’s adult relationships he struggles with more!!

Yes, my husband is the same, great at one thing at a time! He's a really good husband in so many ways, he's kind, caring, works hard etc.
If only I could teach him about intimacy 😂😜

@Snowmelt - that was quite insightful stuff. I'd never thought about adapting my own communication style to accommodate his. I think though, that it is too much for me, and also, more importantly, I do feel as if I am going to jeopardise my relationship with my daughter if it goes on. She's just 10, and shouldn't really have to deal with it - she has so much going on with the arrival of a new baby at her Dad's house, starting secondary school next September.
I find myself day-dreaming about my tiny 2-bed split-level conversion flat that's currently being rented out, even though my partner has bought a 5 bed beautiful Edwardian mansion with a huge garden to live in... :-(
Sigh.

The burping thing.. not anxiety, it's as he admits, he is drinking lots of Lucozade at the moment as he's been ill a lot with colds (we all have, new baby in the mix who has just started nursery is causing a domino-effect of illnesses...). It is, as my daughter puts it, just gross. He has no idea he is doing it, and doesn't see it as a problem.
It's also his facial expressions - he seriously looks scary when even a little cross, or even just concentrating. He looks soooo angry. My daughter has asked me to not let him drop her off at school or pick up because he scares her friends. OMG. I've just found this article - musingsofanaspie.com/2012/10/10/you-scare-me/
I know it's not his fault, and if it was just me I could be a lot more accepting of it. But I have a young tween, and I'm in my mid-40s so she is all I have, so I have to protect her. If my partner was her Dad - it would be a whole different kettle of fish, and we'd all work it out, but I'm just not sure that I should be putting her through this.

Mine doesn't look scary as much as incredibly condescending, and he has the attitude to match. But he has no idea he's doing it. And typing this has made me realise I've forgotten this tendency, as recently I've almost asked his work colleague to tell me what's happening instead of risking a 'look' from DP. Must remember it's just the autism and he doesn't think I'm a complete idiot for not knowing something I haven't been told!

(No idea if his colleague realises about the autism, though, knowing DP, he's probably joked about it a number of times. His boss does know, however, following an extremely enlightening conversation I had with him about an issue I was having with DP, which I had concluded his boss was the only person who could possibly, maybe, help with. I haven't told DP about this because I don't want him knowing that I asked for help about the wider issue, but I know he wouldn't mind me mentioning it as he's begged me to explain about it to colleagues in the past.)

That a really interesting article @Carnt my partner is exactly like that and can look extremely serious a lot of the time. He has a very particular type of sense of humour (which doesn’t translate very well! ) and rarely joins in jokes or silliness and my young teen DD often looks worried that she might say or do the wrong thing around him as they are polar opposites!! He does try though once I’ve pointed out that perhaps he needs to lighten up but obviously he’s wired differently and so he struggles to do that.

Hi
Not posted on MN for ages but this thread caught my eye.
I am probably aspie (male) and see so many things that were leveled at me in what you all have been saying. Apart from placemarking my hope is that OP and others 'hang in there' and take a long view of partners traits. I am not saying carry on forever but to try to find ways to make things work.

Hi @outabout thanks so much for taking the time to read and post. Again it’s great to have someone on the thread that can probably relate to the problems experienced in NT/Aspie relationships. I regret that I’m venting a fair bit on the thread but I’m finding it therapeutic to chat to people going through similar and also finding it very useful to get a point of view from an non NT. Do you have anything you can share from your own perspective? I’m trying very hard to keep faith atm and it’s not easy...

I've just stumbled on this thread and I've been reading it off and on all day. Mostly in tears because you are all describing my life! I'm at the end of my tether, have booked in with a counsellor because I need help. I am 100% certain my DP is aspie though he see's many other explanations (of course). I am 100% certain that our DS 3 years old is aspie. Have had many conversations with nursery about it and are about to enlist specialist help...so I'm stuck between difficult aspie man and relentless uncommunicative child and I also have older children from another relationship. All of your viewpoints have resonated from the good to the bad and I'm just so happy that it's not just me, it helps with the sometimes overwhelming feeling that I'll be alone for the rest of my life, even whilst ostensibly in the bosom of my family.

But to be clear, I love my DP very much and DS is sweet, kind and loved beyond measure....what I need are strategies to help with child's behavioural issues and for DP to be gently coaxed out of denial. It's a tough row to hoe eh? Once again, thank you ladies...what a great bunch you are and @carnt lots of love and hugs, I completely feel your pain!

Just have to add, the not reading my facial expressions....reading this from you guys has been invaluable! My DP can't tell if I've been crying, he can look me right in the eye and then just carry on with whatever he was doing like there were no tears there. And that made me realise just how many emotional cues he misses which leave me feeling by turns, desperate, mad, lonely, angry, self pitying, frightened. I was just reminded, I'm reading the flat affect article someone posted....resonating!

MiddleAgedMe - I am so sorry to hear about your situation. I just want to give you a hug.

What gets me through a lot of the time is me telling myself that it's not DP, it’s the Asperger's. It sounds mad, but just reminding myself of this when things are tough (for me), in your case when yours is not reading facial expressions, means I can take a step back from the situation and lessen the emotion. We can’t change behave, only how we react.

I’m lucky in as much that my DP acknowledges the condition, even though he doesn’t have a diagnosis. He used to say he was autistic as a joke against himself, and I’m not sure how much he meant it, but it made so much sense to me I started researching it, bought some books and gave them to him. And it’s at the point now when he’s asked me to tell his colleagues about it to help them understand him. I imagine it’s a helluva lot harder when the person involved is in denial.

@ middleagedMe. You say he misses facial expressions and cues. If you were to say something on the lines of 'I am upset, cuddle me (or whatever you would like) how would he react to the direct request/command? I am struggling with what to say here, but I think if he would stop what he had been doing and take notice then that would be a form of result. Obviously it would be much better if it were spontaneous which a NT would do but it could be a step in the right direction. Not sure if it is relevant but I think of Aspergers on the lines of both of you looking out of a window, one upstairs and one downstairs. The view is essentially the same but slightly different.
I have this difference of viewpoint. Sometimes I can say things that are said to be quite witty, but other times come out as totally crass and unpleasant.

@TimeIHadANameChange I'm just starting to realise how much of his behaviour is similar to typical aspie stuff. I did bring this up with him a couple of years ago and he basically dismissed it so I let it go. But now with our DS displaying aspie/asd (we don't know yet, just that nursery and I are agreed that he's not NT and needs a bit of extra help) it's coming up again in my mind and in DP's. I said to DP that our son was not like other children and his response was "Well he's probably a bit aspie like me" Great response you might think, but this is from the man who has resisted and belittled my attempts to explain his own difficult behaviours with the possibility that he himself might be aspie! I don't want this to turn into a moan fest, my DP has many great qualities and when things are good they are brilliant. But I can't deny any longer that sometimes he seems to have episodes of really unpleasant behaviour which I'm now starting to see as some aspie triggered thing. Ultimately it's good because it's something we can work out together. I realised last night as well that DP being in denial about DS is slightly more complicated...he doesn't see any problem with DS because he just recognises the patterns, so for DP DS is completely normal. Does my awful explanation make sense?

@outabout yes he will. He's not an uncaring person, he's just not always quite present. He's very loving and cuddly in general, but I've begun to realise that he's fulfilling his needs rather than mine. He's always available for hugs if I need them, he just doesn't always know when I need them!

I suppose one of the things I was 'accused' of was being angry. I may have developed an 'angry face' when not thinking other things but it was not often real anger. I certainly get 'Peed off' if things don't go according to plan, whether it is delays in traffic or increasingly with minor mobility issues I can't do what I used to be able to as quickly/well as I used to. Saying that, it rarely festers so that when things get back on track I am OK.