DP just diagnosed with Aspergers - advice?

[Spacecadet43]

So my DP has recently been diagnosed with Aspergers which has brought me mixed feelings really, but it’s helped me accept that there are genuine reasons for some of his difficult behaviour. Is anyone out there in a similar situation that has any advice about living with someone with Aspergers?

Hi all. Thank you for this thread, it is a great help to me at the moment. So much of the discussion here chimes with me and my situation. I have been with my partner for 11 years and he has always been 'unusual' in his attitude and behaviours to certain things and in certain situations, but as others have said, also shown compelling traits and attitudes like loyalty and passion about ideas or skills, that are really endearing and attractive in a person. We have 4 children and he is an interested father, although short tempered and not emotionally aware always. In terms of our relationship, it just really echoes the experiences noted here and I feel do much for you all, as I understand the worry and confusion and isolation you feel, particularly as the penny starts to drop and you realise that there may be something else going on. I am convinced that my dp has Aspergers, it has slowly crept up on me over the last few years.

I am pretty exhausted by it to be honest. He is obsessive about things and has fads. He is completely single minded about his work, he is self employed and an absolutely gifted practioner, but has never made a success of his business because (I think!) he is unable to stick with one idea and instead gets carried off on these obsessive tangents that increase his own knowledge but leads to him not spending time on the 'boring' admin/business stuff. Essentially this has meant that carry more of the load domestically and financially which has made me resentful over the years, but I genuinely can't seem to get him to understand why that might not be ok for me...! He seems to expect my good opinion no matter what and flares up at the first hint of criticism. I could go on for a month, but really what I wanted to say was that it is the temper/anger aspect of his behaviour which is much like others have described here, that I find so so hard to handle and that is leaving me feeling that I just can't carry on in our relationship. I wonder if anyone has had success in addressing this behaviour (always right, flares at any hint of criticism, defensive behaviour -' sort of shout to keep you out' stuff) or if counselling of some type has helped either party? Thank you. X

@devon
You could be my (now EX) W with some of your comments but you obviously aren't.
I would urge you to read up as much as possible from books that have been mentioned previously in this thread and elsewhere and think before doing anything 'rash'.
My Ex (I still don't like using that term) was strong minded, clever and practical and for much of our time together we worked well as a team.
Hoping it is not too 'outing' I see the main issues happened a few years ago with major stress for her at work, some problems with the house and the menopause. I was told that NONE of these were the problem and that I was the sole issue. Not quite sure how night sweats, anxiety, fuzzy brain and the majority of the menopause list can actually be 'my fault' but whatever.
Counseling may be a way forward but I think others have said that unless you find one that is really good it can lead to more harm than good so I would suggest at least doing background research first. Once you have started this, if your partner can accept that he (or even both of you) might have various traits then hopefully you can move forward.
My life has jumped backwards over 10 years and in the process have lost a wife I still love and a DC. An optimistic streak in me hopes it will resolve eventually.
I wish you luck
Out

Onemore. Gosh yes. I find I have so many issues from growing up as the daughter of an aspergers dad.

Lots of this rings true. Yes medication and cbt and couples counselling are transforming are marriage. We were at breaking point and now we’re doing well. Realistic expectations and adjustments.

ah. glad i have found this.
my ds is aspie, my dd has traits my exH has just done an online assess and was top percentile. He wants us to get back together but he doesnt cope with anything and I cant look after 3 people...

Hi out thank you for your reply. I am sorry to hear about the loss of your family life. It must be very hard on you.

I have read your comments with interest, as I am keen to gain a bit of insight into what my dp might be thinking/feeling. I am interested that you have highlighted a number of practical issues - such as panicking about a clean and tidy house, your wife getting ready to go out etc which have seemed to you to be part of the issue and where you disagreed on the level of importance placed on such things. This is very similar to my dp's assessment of any issues in our relationship and I notice that I tend to be engaging with a subtext that I can feel is going on under the surface - ie. I might feel that his not giving me a hand to tidy up before we leave the house is another example of how I carry the lions share of the domestic load, which links in for me to a thousand other examples of such behaviour, leaving me feeling disproportionately irritated - whereas he sees these incidents as totally independent of each other and is not helping me because he thinks it is unnecessary (and would never consider doing something he thought was unnecessary, and it wouldn't occur to him to do it just to be nice!). As a result, I notice when I try to speak to him about underlying tensions or ongoing resentments, he looks totally confused and often begins his retaliation (however hard I try to be measured he gets defensive unfortunately) with things like 'but we aren't talking about that' and finds it hard to join the dots. I don't really know what to do. I want to be able to speak to him about how I feel, but he doesn't seem able to understand me and gets super defensive and loud. I want to reach him, but everything I try fails. And I really have come to feel that I can't live without connection, the kind that goes beyond the practical everyday and is deeper and more expressive of emotion and what it is to be human etc - (without wishing to sound like a wally). I think someone in the thread called it intimacy. I think that is what is so difficult to handle.

solwave tell me more about the the things you are trying! I have heard of cbt in relation to ocd - how does it help your partner? It is heartening to hear that your marriage is improving. Have you any tips for improving communication? 🙂

@Basseting
Have either you or he moved on to other relationships? (don't answer!)
If he doesn't cope with anything how is he surviving now?
Have you moved too far away from him emotionally?
Why would you have to cope with 3, is he totally incapable or just needing thoughtful 'management'?
Are his actions 'thoughtless' in your eyes or deliberately selfish on his part?

Cbt challenges thought patterns particularly the tendency to over react to everything. I’ve had it for other reasons and it was so helpful. But couples counselling is ideal with the right therapist. In our case we established I was too lenient (consequence of my upbringing) and dh far too critical (again consequence of his). We both wanted the marriage to work which I think is crucial. Also, for us both, having hobbies outside of the marriage. We’ve worked out a system that means I write a timetable for every family day because if not dh assumes there’s nothing for him to do so he disappears. In fact it turned out he thrives on structure but can not implement it himself (unless he’s doing maths!).

outabout oh, good QU's. Answers:
no not yet. I've thought about it, he says he wants to.
he survives in a basic way alone (no food / loo roll when we visit tho) but becomes helpless around me. probably. pretty well: the level of 'management' is such that I cannot care for kids/maintain my own health needs as he requires almost constant input from me. I dont know - certainly I dont think he 'sees' life the same but he can be outright selfish too. He is VERY rigid - ie if we needed to do something 1 way 10 years ago (ie stop at a certain place for a nappy change, then he will still do it now: 'because you told me to, you made such a fuss 10 years ago'. If I point out that, being 10 and 14 nappy changes are no longer an issue, that is me 'criritcising him'. I think the stand out thing is that he puts so much time and effort into his 'its not MY fault' schtick that there is no effort avail for anything else. It's all about apportioning blame (me mostly almost never him) instead of changing things (cos we dont do change in our house at all) or finding ways to work around stuff that cant be changed. I find it exhausting, certainly :(

devoncreamtea 'superdefensive' rings a whole peal of bells to me.
I think to be fair I have become shorter and less enabling of him than when we met as I have put the kids first - i have had to - if I leave him with them for the day he would forget to feed them, still. they would not necess realise it was mealtime / they were getting over hungry so someone needs to be on the ball. I dont dislike him but I dont have anything left any more :(

@Basseting
Does he cope with work? You certainly have your work cut out but if you feel safe at the moment maybe you can step back and assess where you are but you obviously need help on several fronts.
Obviously I have no answers but if he can cope with a 'schedule' and would accept instructions (hinted at by Solwave) you could see how things go. Something like tell him you are going for tea and you want (think of a menu) to eat which means he will have to go and get and prepare the ingredients. OK a bit of thinking for you to come up with this but as a 'test' might it work?

A lot of this is so familiar and such a relief to find others in similar positions. I’ve grown up to be very independent which has helped me a lot. I’ve always tended to make my own happiness. I am sad there’s a lot I can’t share with him but I try to appreciate the moments he’s brilliant with the kids and his intelligence. His heart is in the right place. For example super frustrating that it took him 3 hours to sort washing into piles using an algorithm but he took such delight in teaching the children how to set it up. I’m quite maternal so perhaps that helps. Unlike many he’s very affectionate (on the whole to suit his needs but nonetheless it is there so that’s probably a saving grace)

I realised on a course about autism I was attending that ds1 got it from me. I've now (obsessed,) with reading about it and it's obvious that I'm an aspie. It has made sense why I do the things I do, which means I can explain to dh. So when he says that I'm being rude I think maybe I am and apologise. Also I know that he isn't doing it wrong because I have autism, so I know to let him do it that way(wrong way!) I would never use being autistic as an excuse for bad behaviour though.

I am really heartened to find that starting this thread has been of benefit to so many people who’s lives are touched or affected by Aspergers. From a personal point of view the relief I’ve felt at hearing other NT partners are experiencing the same or very similar problems to me has made me cry at times and read with absolute fascination and in part, in relief although obviously not because other people’s relationships are suffering but just in the knowledge I’m not alone. Please keep sharing and also a big thank you for the input and support from Aspie contributors - particularly @outabout as this can’t always make for pleasant or easy reading but the advice you are giving is really spiriting.

And @Solwave you are giving me hope!

hi again, outabout re tea, no, he couldnt do that I dont think?
He would also forget it was cooking etc. Yesterday I said I was going to the shop for food and he said but we have a whole frozen chicken - cant we use that? I explained you cant cook it from frozen (again....) wo we can cook it tomorrow but need something else for today. So he suggests I buy a chicken as 'we are going to have chicken tonight'. He took 1 of the kids out for the afternoon (the other refused to go). I had to herd them out at 11am with instructions, a packed lunch, he borrowed my car etc. They came back, astonished that a museum in a capital city with a free science show on was 'busy' during the Easter hols but also had missed the main thing the kid had wanted to see, bought the wrong tickets so spending £20 too much on the train and told me the weather had been awful. Yes I said it was here too. No says he, it is not snowing here it was where we were from 12-5. yes says I, here too, but it isnt now. That is me being 'difficult' and 'unsupportive' and will result in a sulk until tomorrow morning, I could have said nothing i suppose but I sometimes wonder if my needs even exist any more? sorry for such a downer. I dont know if this is ASD or just 'him' (or indeed, me!)

sorry explained that badly. He was expecting roast chicken tonight. I explained we could have tomorrow as chicken still frozen solid. he argues, then thinks I should buy a new fresh chicken as he was expecting it tonight so mentally moving it till tomorrow is an issue for him. I think here he is not being a git just struggling but after 'making 3 meals' in 20 years (2 of them salads!) I dont have the energy any more.

@Basseting
So sorry to hear you are so up against it especially as you say DS and to an extent DD have it too. Does DH accept it is a bit unusual to be so extreme? Is there any leeway from him or is it always full on, and has it changed? Can you think of motives for his behaviour? Is he trying to prove he is right or anything like that or does he simply have no idea?
You need some proper help before you 'snap' maybe someone here can suggest what may be most beneficial to you.
I hope DS at least is getting help at school. The way and extent females can 'present' with Aspergers is different to males apparently, yet another thing to look out for.

@devoncreamtea I strongly recommend the Asperger Couple's Workbook by Maxine Aston. She has lots of really useful information about perceived criticism, which is one of the things I really struggle with. For me it's a combination of things. Use this one as an example:

• I can't intuit what people mean, I have to logic it all out. An entirely innocuous question (would you like me to take these upstairs for you?) can get misconstrued (why have you left your things downstairs?) because I logicked wrong.

• I am at the Aspergers segment of the spectrum which means I am painfully aware of my deficits - executive function is a real problem and I do leave things lying around - so entry to this particular danger zone sends me into a state of high anxiety where I mentally attack myself, hard, for being utterly useless, childish, still can't keep myself organised etc.

• This then feeds into a whole history of being the weirdo, the messy one, the last to be allowed to use a pen with my messy handwriting, the one who couldn't stop daydreaming for long enough to pick up her own clothes, you get the picture.

• This is all background 'noise' while I also try to work out with logic what is meant by facial expression, body language, intonation. Is she smiling at me because she is genuinely offering to do me a favour and take something upstairs or is that one of those martyrdom smiles or is that actually not a smile at all but a grimace of frustration? That leads to overload and overload leads to the Dark Side a fight, flight or freeze response. For me it's either freeze or fight - in my case, argue.

DP doesn't get to see any of those cogs turning because they're not visible. She offers to take my laundry upstairs and I stare at her blankly and twenty seconds later I ask her what her problem is and remind her that she left her keys in the front door last week anyway.

Two years post-diagnosis and this is happening less and less as I work on strategies to stop it. I didn't have the insight or the language to understand why this kept happening and it was distressing to feel that criticised all the time.

outabout
I dont think I am about to 'snap' but clearly i am letting my frustration out here (dont normally have an outlet so its probably a bit of a tsunami!) . But I do think it is almost impossible for 'me' to exist amongst it all.

PosyFossilsShoes (great name btw!, I adored Ballet Shoes as a kid)
Your post is SO HELPFUL about perceived criticism, thank you.
I think this is one of the biggest issues re ExH and I. From my point of view I cannot say the simplest thing without a huge overreaction from him. From his, I never stop criticising. I think it might not make a diff as to whether I can keep living in that environment but to understand it makes it less likely that I think he is being 'deliberately difficult'. Like someone said upthread, it is about separating the person from the ASD?

Thank you @PosyFossilsShoes - what a fabulously honest and insightful post.

PosyFossilsShoes Thank you. That is a really clear explanation. I have been trying to assume that stuff is whirring underneath my dp's big reactions, I can see that this might be very similar for him.

How did you feel about the diagnosis? Was it your relationship that prompted you to look into it? I have spoken to my dp about the possibility of Aspergers, he is not resistant but doesn't really see the point of bothering with diagnoses. It seems to have helped you to develop new strategies though, which is helpful to know. Thanks for being so open and honest.

Hello. You are my people!

I’m going to join this discussion because I’m reading this all with tears running down my face. One or two friends have gently suggested DP may have Asperger-like traits when I’ve complained before, but I’ve always dismissed it because of the many ways in which he seems quite unlike the classic profile. But of course it’s just a different way of being with as many variants as the neurotypical person, so of course he doesn’t have to fit the ideal. Lightbulb moment!

He’s very logical, and very good at numbers, details, and process. He likes routine, predictability and hates talking about feelings, or having any conversation he doesn’t see as having a clear point. He’s an engineer who’s brilliant at his job (and to be fair manages people well but through process not instinct, I suspect) but finds any kind of work politics utterly draining. He was offered a big promotion recently and turned it down because he didn’t want the other responsibilities that came with it.

He’s really uncomfortable with my highly intuitive approach to life, and likes to know/understand everything in advance. Before he moved in two years ago he had an ordered life on his own with a routine and things done his way, with a nice well ordered house, and his own stuff the way he liked it. Now he’s got me, a dog, a pre-teen and two teens to deal with, without much space and with my fairly high maintenance mother just down the road. So it’s hard for him and I appreciate the fact he’s still here despite all that but it is really tough for me as well, and he has no idea, because I have learned what battles I can usefully fight (very few).

He’s opted out of everything because I don’t explicitly ask for help. If I say “please can you do [insert tightly defined task] by [deadline] because [reason]” he will but he doesn’t ever just do the basic stuff of life. He will, however, spend half an hour scrubbing the insides of the cupboard doors because he’s got into his head they need doing while stepping over the laundry/dishes/full bins.

All of that I could live with, particularly as I’m really aware of the change he’s volunteered for and the challenges it presents, but the rest of it is draining. He’s volatile (especially when he perceives I’m being critical), he’s pedantic and he withdraws at the first hint of conflict, which I think is a way of defusing a potentially worse situation if he engaged, but which doesn’t feel reassuring. I find myself being very careful about what I do and don’t say which is really exhausting, particularly when I’m tired or stressed.

I’m an extrovert, he’s an introvert - he gets by fine (to a point) in social situations but is definitely guilty of being a bit insensitive to nuance and clearly finds it draining. And what drives me to distraction is the double standard - he hates me suggesting solutions to problems but happily dispenses ridiculous wisdom without any idea of what I do or don’t know. I nearly strangled him with a pair of trousers yesterday when he suggested I didn’t put them in a 40 degree wash if they were wool. They weren’t wool! And I’ve done many multiples more loads of washing in my life than him because I have three kids!

On the other hand...he adores me. He’s thoughtful and really engages with my problems. He is loyal, good with the children (up to a point - he has snapped at them before but has tried really hard to fix that). We have a lovely shared life together lots of the time, we have similar interests and do love each other very much.

All that said, I’m at breaking point. I’m finding it hard to keep my head above water and it’s all consuming trying to be with someone so different. I feel constantly on edge and wondering when and how things may go wrong.

He has very recently admitted he’s also finding it very hard (and that’s with me dialling back a lot of behaviours I know he doesn’t like). So that’s progress of sorts in that we’ve both acknowledged something needs to change. Whether we can change, or need to go our separate ways, is the looming conversation we need to have.

I feel a little better for that epic rant. Just knowing I’m not going mad or on my own here is helpful as I try and find a way through this.

@Bassetting I don't think you CAN separate the person from the ASD. The same neurology that makes him so frustrating in some ways is also part of the make-up that makes him the things you did like, if that makes sense? (and thanks - I collect old children's books!)

@devoncreamtea it wasn't actually the relationship which prompted me to look into it - it was struggling with workplace problems. I knew that I might be on the spectrum because it had been identified to me years previous, but I thought I was "coping" and didn't need a diagnosis, there wasn't any point. And then suddenly I wasn't coping any more (autistic burnout - it's a thing.) I needed to know whether if I just tried harder, forced myself on, beat myself up more harshly, I'd be okay, but it turns out it's a difference in neurology not a lack of effort on my part! So I am now self employed instead and much, much happier, which has had a positive effect on my relationship too.

Diagnosis has been really positive for me. It's given me the tools and the language to understand why I react in ways others find odd or inappropriate or frustrating. It's given me permission to stop with the emotional masochism, and now that I'm kinder and more understanding with myself, I am more receptive to things like criticism, because it doesn't send me into that self-attacking place so much. And it's given me access to a whole lot of information on coping strategies - which are publicly available to anybody who wants them, autistic or not, diagnosed or not.