DP just diagnosed with Aspergers - advice?

[Spacecadet43]

So my DP has recently been diagnosed with Aspergers which has brought me mixed feelings really, but it’s helped me accept that there are genuine reasons for some of his difficult behaviour. Is anyone out there in a similar situation that has any advice about living with someone with Aspergers?

@JsOtherHalf that is brilliant thank you for that it’s wonderful to have people passing on ideas and resources.

And @IHaveBrilloHair of course not I’m glad the thread is providing help and ideas to others

A friend of mine had her son diagnosed and was told it usually ran in the family (wink hard at her DH). It saved their marriage as it became clear that some stuff that was unreasonable behaviour was him quite seriously not realising there was a problem and, once informed, he was much better to live with (mostly; still a bit of a selfish tit).

DH and I have both been told we have ASD when kids got diagnosed, though in our cases it manifests in different ways - the more we learn about ASD, the more it helps. He really cannot do multi-tasking; I can't do emotional stress or conflict.

@BothersomeCrow that is sound advice as I feel like there is so much more I need to know and to understand and I do feel DP’s DF and our DD are also affected but with our daughter she’s probably far to young to diagnose. It’s great that so many helpful people have come forward today with suggestions to help broaden my knowledge and also critically with places I can go to for support too

I know you’re talking about your DH, but you’ve mentioned your DD too. Girls and women are affected by ASD differently to how males are. It’s under-diagnosed in girls, so keep an eye out. One difference is that girls are better at masking their symptoms and mimicking others, so they can learn social skills better.
Plus, as you say, your DD is young. Do keep an eye on her, and look up about ASD in girls as it is different. Not massively, but there is a difference.

@toffee1000 Thanks for that yes I will do she’s already shown some signs of ASD but at her age it could just be normal toddler behaviour. She is exceptionally bright though. Closely monitoring

Sometimes having a partner who gets a dx well into an established relationship can lead to the end. I think my ex always lived in hope that I would someday 'get better' and have enough energy to give both him and the children all the attention they needed. Pre-dc we were OK, but once they were born it went a bit wrong. After I'd given my dc's what they needed I had nothing left for exh and he found in terribly difficult to deal with. After the dx he acknowledged we weren't compatible, despite caring for each other deeply, and we decided to separate a couple of months later.

He is a high stress person and relies heavily on others to facilitate his life. I'd inadvertently become his therapist over the course of our relationship, even now he rings to ask advice on things and make sense of his emotions (which I try to avoid as it's not my job anymore!). His new dp is his social life coordinator and live-in nanny when the dc are with him as well as his therapist. They are happy and a much more compatible paring. I have a new dp too, and we are very well suited. He is NT, but a quiet introverted one, and understands my need to recharge after being around the dc as he also needs to.

I'm getting rambly now, but I suppose my point is that my ex did the right thing in making the decision to end things. Once he accepted I wasn't going to someday become the energetic and extroverted person he needed it didn't make sense to continue to flog the dead horse. There can be a tendancy to make allowances for traits and behaviors in an aspie partner, in order to make a relationship work, that can potentially cause misery all round.

I've read a lot of threads started by NT women about how difficult living with an aspie partner is, how they are expected to adjust, accommodate and be ever flexible. In my experience and observations of aspie women in relationships with NT men the same is expected. The aspie women try to be amenable for their dp's, but unlike NT women, break in the process. I believe that there are occasions where it is better to accept that your needs will always be polar opposite, and that a relationship will always be very hard work and detrimental to either one or both of you. The fact that autism is involved should not change that.

That is not to say that we shouldn't strive for mutual understanding and respect for our own particular set of challenges due to autism (or not!). Compromise and compassion should be part of every relationship, but nobody should suffer misery willingly because their partner has a condition.

Probably not what you want to hear but I ended it with my Aspie husband due to controlling behaviour which amounted to emotional abuse.

I've read a lot of threads started by NT women about how difficult living with an aspie partner is, how they are expected to adjust, accommodate and be ever flexible. In my experience and observations of aspie women in relationships with NT men the same is expected. The aspie women try to be amenable for their dp's, but unlike NT women, break in the process.

These are both really great posts. I have a child with autism, and suspect that my DH is on the spectrum as well. There is an element of sexism and traditional power dynamics that can be very toxic when mixed with autism. Autism isn't an excuse to be an self-centered arse, and if that is all that a person is capable of because they are so disabled, they need to NOT be in a relationship.

My relationship with my DH is touch and go. It works best when I work more on meeting my own needs and am clear about what I need rather than trying to accommodate him. I'm naturally an empathic person who tries to keep others happy, so learning to be a selfish was tricky for me.

He is only motivated to meet me half way when I'm capable of walking out of the relationship. On one hand, it's comforting to know what works (being ready to walk out, being clear about what I need) but that the same time, it is sad to me that he is capable of meeting me half way but can't be bothered to unless he knows that he has to or he will lose me. Just because it is kind, it would make me happy, etc., aren't motivational to him.

I guess my advice is to learn more about autism so that you understand it more, but don't let it be an excuse for shitty behavior. It's one thing it figure out that certain things are a problem (background noises, even having music playing, really bother my DH) and work around those, it is another to put yourself into a tiny little box because between his autism and general male entitlement, there just isn't room for you in the relationship.

@MattBerrysHair (great name love MB) what a fantastic message thank you so much for taking the time and thought to add that to the thread. The problem is I adore my DP - we’ve been together for 4 years and are engaged and have a child. I was previously married with DCs he was married no DCs we came together in our 40s fell madly in love now have our DD, a home together and have built a life together. I always knew there were differences as I’m a passionate, open, heart on sleeve type and he’s a very quiet man who hates noise and confrontation. We are both introverts though and have many common interests. It would be absolutely heartbreaking for both of us and our children and families if we split up although there are times when I sit in despair at knowing if there is a real way forward, with us being wired so differently in so many ways. I guess I’m not ready to say that it won’t work as I’m willing it to and I would like to see if the knowledge is power idea can work if we both can learn to accept the differences and try to listen to each other more. He is very keen and willing to learn to understand how his Aspie brain differs from an NT one and atm we are both soaking up as much information as possible. Ive always been a bit of a MN lurker but I guess I started this thread in the hopes of getting some advise or support from anyone else in similar and I’ve been really lucky that I’ve had some fantastic responses which are both honest and thought provoking and lots of resources to look into, which is excellent and has already helped me no end. It’s great to get a rounded discussion going on the subject. I suppose time will tell if we can make it work or not. I’m very heartened to hear your story though and appreciate you letting me know if it doesn’t work out letting go might be the best thing. Thank you

Hi SpaceCadet43 [wave]
Hmmm... So I've been with my DP for 4 years now, although have known him for 15 or so. His Father was diagnosed with AS 2 or 3 years ago, which prompted me to do the online test with a view to my DP doing it too. He did, so he went and got a formal diagnosis from the AS specialist who as written all those books - Maxine someone. I worked with my DP initially - and he had a reputation at work for not suffering fools gladly, being very clever but strutting around the building as if he owned the place - i.e. arrogant.
We became friends over the years, dated twice for about 3 months a time and he broke up with me because I stressed him out. This is our 3rd time. We (my DC and I) live in a house which he has bought, it's beautiful and I rent out my own house. The thing is.. I see his father's behaviour which - in the middle of one of his stressful outbursts has caused a rift in the family as their DIL will not have her children around him.. in him. My eldest daughter is nearing teen years and is starting to ask that he not be around when her friends are (even though it is his house).
It's the coldness I can't bear.. the boring the pants of me about IT issues, he can't' read my face, he never knows if I've been crying.

It's the other things - the lack of social awareness, the burping incessantly. The inability to hear things the first time and me spending my life having to repeat everything when he is doing something else (i.e. taking the washing out of the machine). He's admitted it isn't a hearing thing, he just can't cope with listening and doing something else at the same time.

The facial expressions (not sure if this is just him, or AS, but his Dad does it too - he can't smile properly, when he is concentrating he looks scary. The not wanting to take him to social events with me because he can't join in a conversation normally unless it's about IT or something "interesting" in the news.
My biggest concern is growing old with him, as I initially wanted to.
Will he get worse and end up like his Dad? I have a fairly open relationship with his Mum, who is NT but a very logical person (one of the first female programmers in the UK) - she has a seperate life to my DP's Dad because he won't do social events, not because he can't, but because he gets frustrated by small talk and normal conversations and has hissy fits about it (as my partner can do, if my daughter and I are just messing about and not doing something "constructive" over the weekend - i.e. an organised cycle ride).

Am at the end of my tether. We have a big trip planned next month so am going to see how that goes.. but I've put my tenants on a monthly contract now and not a new fixed term contract, so I can escape with the kids if necessary.

Sorry for my rant...

I think I missed the most important thing off the list here. It's the anger - the ability to explode and act out on impulsive behaviour when things aren't right for him. This can be something really small, like me moving the piles of things he leaves around the house in to one larger pile.

The good things are that Aspies are loyal people (surprised at one poster's reference to cheating). They will generally go above and beyond helping out their friends by doing practical stuff (unfortunately that hasn't helped our relationship as he's always off helping out with Scouts, helping friends with building projects etc).
He is very good at fixing stuff, especially when there is a project to solve, and very good in times of crisis (if it's not an emotional problem).

Sorry spacecadet43 - I really have hijacked your thread with quite a negative view on things :-(

Carnt, the anger I’d find really hard to deal with and I think we’d never have got together if he was like that.
He goes silent and retreats. Which is also bad but not aggressive (maybe passive aggressive in a way but he does it to avoid meltdown)
He’s only exploded three times in all those years.

He has a high tolerance for mess, he has to, to be with me, but I don’t touch his stuff.
He is extremely loyal, honest and kind, I was surprised to find this in the books about Aspies, and it is what made me fall in love with him.
If there was no willingness to see my side, and no attempt to improve our communication , we’d be divorced by now, but we’ve been married 20 years.

Thing is Carnt everyone with ASD is different as I’m sure you know, and I expect OP knew she was going to hear both good and bad. OP’s DP does seem to be willing to learn and understand his differences which is a positive, I’m sorry your DP isn’t like that. In a relationship where one person has ASD and one person doesn’t, both have to be willing to adapt and compromise. It’s no good you learning about ASD and what his trigger points are for things like meltdowns etc without him making an effort to understand what an NT person expects from a relationship, the majority of people in this country are NT so if he wants to be in a relationship he will likely end up with someone NT so he needs to learn to compromise and occasionally do/learn things that don’t come naturally.

How come this is the “3rd time” of you being in a relationship if you’ve already broken up? What brought you back together? Sorry if this is nosy but I just noticed it in your original post.

@motherofyorkies Thank you a great insightful post about the possible problems of living with ASD - my DP certainly struggles to show any gratitude when he’s given help and support and also struggles to offer it in times of need although there are always some signs he cares even if they aren’t present at the time of the crisis! He’s typically extremely logical and not able to see grey areas everything is always ‘this’ or ‘that’ and rarely anything in between but he does go away and analyse a lot and come back with more understanding or will research something to gain my perspective because although he often struggles to show it when it’s needed he does seem to respect my opinion and feelings enough not to completely disregard them. His undiagnosed DP has blindingly obvious Aspie traits but will absolutely not see he has a problem at all which is probably why my DPs DM left him. I guess I’m lucky that at this point DP is very keen to save our relationship and wants to do what he can to work on the difficulties and differences. I agree though I think I need to learn to be more selfish but as Mum of 4 and a naturally empathetic person in pretty crap at this...

@Carnt hello back!! (Waves back) hijack away! It’s good to get the frustrations we feel about the NT/Aspie relationships out there! It’s difficult to advise as obviously every person is completely different as well as every relationship but it’s really good to hear about others’ experiences good or bad and I find it refreshing to hear from Aspie partners too. Somewhere on the thread I was recommended to look at the Different Together website - have you looked on there at all? It looks like a very useful and supportive site. I’m finding this MN thread very therapeutic as not many people in RL know yet about the Aspergers so it’s grest to speak to people going through similar as sometimes only we can understand what the particular difficulties and frustrations of the situation are. Sending you a hug

I am one of the NT women who broke living with, separating from, and now trying to divorce someone I believe is undiagnosed Asperger’s. I relate to what purpleangel said, it was abusive. My DS is on the spectrum, so I am keen to look at the OU course mentioned, but I cannot read too much of this thread without getting upset.

I think if your DH was prepared to get a diagnosis and to work with you on addressing issues, that sounds more positive than a situation where there is utterly no acceptance that the NT partner has a point about anything.

Oh @Emyroo that’s brought tears to my eyes. At this stage I’m hopeful we can try to make things work but absolutely understand why you got out of your relationship and tbh wouldn’t hesitate to do the same myself if I felt he was in denial or was being emotionally abusive. I had a failed relationship previously and despite having a long term health condition I knew I (and DCs) would be better if we split. So I think I will know when/if enough is enough but I’m sending you love and hugs as I feel your pain it’s extremely difficult to disengage in a situation like that

Oh my god am so glad I stumbled across this.
My dh whom I love wholeheartedly is a right pain in the arse sometimes. All of the thing mentioned my dh does.
We too have a ds with asd but dh refuses to believe he is an aspie.
Nobody understands what he is like to live with, least of all my employer who just doesn't get it at all on the days he cannot function so I have to step in with the kids and School runs etc. It can be so completely draining being the one who deal with everything and always picks up the pieces but nobody ever seems to be there for me!

Welcome @alwaysontimeneverlate! I’m really glad I started this post now it’s great to be able to vent to people who understand the frustrations of the NT/Aspie relationship. It can feel like you are going mad or round in circles and at times can be a lonely place navigating this sort of relationship!

My DH is an Aspie and our son has ASD.

Could someone please explain to me the difference? As I understand it. Autistic Spectrum Disorder is exactly what it says on the tin, and being a spectrum disorder you could sit anywhere on the spectrum.

And Aspergers is a type of autism. So what makes someone have Aspergers but not ASD? Or do all people with Aspergers have ASD, but not all people on the spectrum have Aspergers? And what are the features of Aspergers that make it distinct from ASD generally?

Sorry for the hijack but I've been wondering this for ages.

BeverlyHillsBillie if you can imagine a triangular wedge of cheese, laid along the long length of it, with severe autism being a the bottom (long bit) - aspergers is towards the top. The top bit being highly functioning people with AS (Aspergers Syndrome) traits - i.e. may come across as slightly socially awkward generally but when stressed goes in to full AS mode. Autistic Spectrum Disorder is not something I've really heard of.. Are you in the UK or the US? (Looking at your user name).

By the way - if anyone wants a definitive diagnosis I thoroughly recommend this lady, she's written most of the books people are talking about; www.maxineaston.co.uk/

She will sit with you / your family member for a couple of hours going through a whole load of tests (including recognising emotions from photos of faces etc). She'll also talk to family members on how to approach things and what the next steps should be. Really useful x

I do love my partner, but he has just called from a central London station, in amidst snow-related train travel chaos. He is very very angry. Not about the fact that he is going to have to wait 40 mins for the next one, but that the train did not leave at its scheduled time, it left 2 minutes earlier.

I would be a bit p**ed off too, but we both met working in the railway industry and we do know how things work. Argh - cue a night of having to listen to timetabling talk...

It can be so completely draining being the one who deal with everything and always picks up the pieces

That is how I feel about my household! I have dp, teenage dss, and my two ds's. My ASD gets in the way of things functioning smoothly so I end up dropping all the plates. Things fall apart for a few days, then it's back to functioning again. I organise absolutely everyone and I resent it. Even when I'm hiding under my duvet not doing my chores, I'm dictating what needs to be done as nobody else will notice what needs doing. I know it sounds like I'm very bossy but I'm really, really not. To generalise massively (apologies if it offends) it seems that male privelage and entitlement accentuates the more challenging aspie traits, or is it that aspieness magnifies the more challenging male traits?

Following the publication of the DSM-5 in 2013 (mainly used in America) people don’t get a diagnosis of Aspergers anymore. Aspergers, autism and PDD-NOS (pervasive developmental disorder not otherwise specified) are lumped together under the umbrella term autism spectrum disorder or ASD. When I was diagnosed, I was told I had ASD, with an Aspergers “profile”, classic women/girls’ presentation. Another MNer who I’ve come to know has a different diagnosis, her assessor said there were three levels (3 being most severe) and that she was level 1.
Whilst the DSM is the main manual used in the US, it is influencing diagnoses over here, and the main manual used in the UK (ICD) is expected to be updated soon to be more in alignment with the DSM. The current edition of the ICD retains the separate three diagnoses.
Since the DSM was only updated in 2013 many still refer to Aspergers/autism/etc. Whilst some believe the single umbrella diagnosis of ASD is useful, I personally don’t think it is - you cannot compare someone “high functioning” like me to a child who is non-verbal, doubly incontinent and violent. I suppose that’s why I got the diagnosis I did, saying I had the Aspergers profile with female presentation - Aspergers is different to “classical” autism, and males and females present differently.

Apologies for the long post!