DP just diagnosed with Aspergers - advice?

[Spacecadet43]

So my DP has recently been diagnosed with Aspergers which has brought me mixed feelings really, but it’s helped me accept that there are genuine reasons for some of his difficult behaviour. Is anyone out there in a similar situation that has any advice about living with someone with Aspergers?

@MiddleAgedMe sending a big hug - your situation sounds very similar to mine - my DD (2 and a half) has just started at toddlers and as well as displaying some definite Aspie type behaviour at home she will not go near the other children or join in any social or group activity - she just screams. So I suspect we will be going down the same investigative roads as you once she’s at preschool in September. I agree it’s the future that worries me as atm I still have my older children around me for company and bits of help and support. It’s hitting me all the time what could lie ahead as DP’s Mother left Father a few years ago as all he does is sit in a chair he had no interest in her or in doing things.

Thank you to all who have suggested useful resources such as websites, courses and books. Can anyone just remind me which Tony Attwood book is recommended? Thanks

My partner and I found the Asperger Couple's Workbook very helpful when I was diagnosed: www.amazon.co.uk/Asperger-Couples-Workbook-Activities-Counsellors/dp/1843102536/?tag=mumsnetforum-21

@WiggyPig thank you very much for that! I’m finding some of the reading very enlightening and yes have sat in tears a lot but also there is a sense of relief that there is an explanation for so many problems we are facing as Aspie and NT partnership.

@Spacecadet43
I hope you are seeing at least some benefit on your 'discoveries' and that good things will come from it.
I read the 'Complete guide to Aspergers' by Tony Attwood. There was an updated version a couple of years ago with extra studies included.
He points out that most work is relatively recent (20 years or so in the UK) then the way children and males 'present' then the way that girls/women although having various traits can conceal to an extent through simply copying the behaviours of NT girls/women, making it more difficult to spot.
I wish you all the best of luck and hope things can improve soon.
Out

Thanks very much @outabout and for the supportive messages it all helps!

MN has helped me, partly on these threads about Aspergers and in other ways so it is only fair to give something back.
I see Aspergers now as a 'difference in thinking' where both 'sides' are right. If one person is almost obsessed with a subject which the other is partly interested in, if you both know when to 'separate' and do different activities for a while then come back together later then things should be OK. Weaving this into a complicated life with children is obviously tricky but I hope achievable.

I think the problem I’m coming to understand more roundedly is that we both have needs and I’m not sure we are with the right person to support those needs. Having looked and read in more depth I have to say hope is fading here atm. I’ve just been bed bound for 2 days with my own chronic illness and he’s had his head in books about Aspergers and offered absolutely nothing in the way of support physically or emotionally.

@Spacecadet43 don't lose hope yet! I'm sure you and your DH have become entrenched in behaviours over the years that are very unhelpful to you both (unhelpful to you particularly) the diagnosis is still fairly new, and maybe you need a bit of couples councelling to help with strategies to help you both to cope? But I know exactly how you feel...it's like you don't exist isn't it? Mine can be very much the same, once he switches off it seems like we're just not there and he has zero understanding of how cruel that is. It's lack of empathy.

I'm sure my dad is autistic. Ivw often talked to my mum about it and she's sometimes wondered if she wouild have stayed with him if she'd known.

But he always has to be right, can't see other people's perspectives or understand they'd be different from his own. Also for my dad he adored my mum but resented us children for even existing and taking up their time I think. We were just a nuisance. Even after they divorced he'd take her out and buy presents but not us!

That was what she couldn't cope with - his attitude to us

I remember the neglect I felt when unwell as ex could not care in the way I expected him to.
Recently I have been unwell but as I am now single I have had more support as previously it was assumed I had a caring husband.
I would recommend counselling for ASD/NT couples but realistically you may have to assess if your needs will ever be met.Its often said its the NT partner that has to adjust expectations to stay in the relationship.

Does the good mostly outweigh the bad?

I’ve just been bed bound for 2 days with my own chronic illness and he’s had his head in books about Aspergers and offered absolutely nothing in the way of support physically or emotionally. sad

Explain to him what you need him to do. Clearly and concisely.

He's not a mind-reader, he's probably thinking that because you've not asked him to help that you're okay. Because if you needed anything, you'd let him know.

Inference, hints and what to NT people is blindingly obvious is absolutely not obvious to anyone with autism. You need to communicate exactly what you need him to do, clearly and concisely.

Blanktimes, by late adulthood wouldn't most people (even with autism) have sufficient experience to know that if someone is unwell they need physical care.
I would have thought illness is a well trodden path and requires less mind reading given life experiences? A young person might not have the experience so need telling but surely by a certain age it is learnt behaviour.

My dad doesn't really, unless it's himself. I rang him once for help when I was non stop vomitting. He literally came and got the girls some water (probably what id asked) and left. The ambulance came a few hours later. But it was hideous. He had no idea.

I had gallstones once and he assumed I was making a fuss. When he had it it was the end of the world. He almost doesn't believe others at will or need anything if he himself isn't.

lifebegins50 wouldn't most people (even with autism) have sufficient experience

In my experience, in short, no. Have a look at the Triad of Impairments, it may help.

"learnt behaviour" sadly, just because an autistic person responds in a certain way to a situation once, it doesn't mean that they correlate that behaviour to a slightly different or similar situation.
They don't perceive it as similar or slightly different, they perceive it as totally different.

"they" above refers to the autistic people I'm in contact with but it appears to be a very common trait that I've discussed with other NT people about the autistic people they know too.

My XH was diagnosed with high-functioning autism, but he was also diagnosed with NPD. The autism I could have learned to understand but not the NPD.

If you gave him a date, any date of any year, he could immediately tell you what day of the week that date occurred on. Amazing!

I think we both have aspergers. Finally realised after counselling a few years ago. The more I've learned the more I realised that's us. It was a defining moment! Not sure we shall be together for the next 5 years but are trying lol

Thank you very much @MiddleAgedMe, @lifebegins50 and @BlankTimes and to all others who’ve responded to my post the other night - it was late and I was feeling let down and neglected. He often says to me to be direct - to write lists or post its of jobs I feel he should be contributing to or helping with or to tell him directly what I need. The problem is is that asking directly may sometimes result in getting help but he can be so passive aggressive, bad tempered or unpleasant if I do ask for help that I often wish I hadn’t asked which will result in me doing said task myself anyway which then leads to resentment on my part. It’s very difficult he says it’s stress as his brain struggles to compute what I need him to do. But I never feel I’m overwhelming him it’s just stuff like vacuuming a rug or lifting something heavy such as emptying a full bin bag, as when I’m unwell I struggle with those physical tasks. But if I asked him to sort out a problem on my laptop or nip out for something, he will do that as he enjoys those sort of tasks. I darent ever tell him we need something new for the house especially gadgets or audio as he will spend literally hours and hours looking for said item online or dragging round shops for hours. It’s the same when he’s looking for clothes ie:new trainers. He will spend hours, days and weeks researching trainers online or browsing shops at the expense of all else including important daily functional jobs. It drives me to despair. He will make excuses to go to the shop such as we need a loaf of bread - then forget the bread and spend hours trailing around trainer shops. I’ve been told he can have CBT for this but have my doubts as to whether it would help. I guess I would be thinking of us parting but we have a little girl who also quite possibly has ASD so I feel I want to keep trying. I just wish I could work out what behaviour and traits are due to the Aspergers and what is straightforward selfishness or weakness. I’m don’t think I’m prepared to make allowances for all of his selfish behaviour. I am perimenopausal and my autoimmune condition also affects my mental health and I’ve sought cbt and counselling for problems I’ve gone through in life which I had to work very hard to get anything out of. I guess I need to see if he is prepared to try to address any of his behavioural issues or if I should just call it a day now to save myself a lot of heartache 💔

I just wish I could work out what behaviour and traits are due to the Aspergers and what is straightforward selfishness or weakness

Why does this make a difference? The impact of his behaviour is the same.
I spent years trying to figure out what was ASD or NPD but in the end it didn't matter.Both are tough to change and science is still at early stages so not sure there is light at the end of the tunnel.Ex had therapy but it really did not help as he lacks insight.

There were some behaviours I knew were definitely ASD as they affected all areas of his life and not just directed at me.I felt empathy for him however I realised living with him made me ill, literally, so it had to end.

He has been the most vindictive person in divorce as his need to control has gone into overdrive but that could be NPD related.

Oh Spacecadet, I could have written your post word for word, particularly the gadget /shopping stuff - it seems to take over my hubbys life for weeks / months! I do get him to do all the research for insurance /saving money on internet etc 😂
We have a leaking kitchen tap, it's been like it for a year. I keep asking him to look at it, get it sorted, he says he hasn't had time. Yet, he can youtube how to change his gears on his very expensive road bike, go to the gym almost every day, play on the PlayStation and go to play football.

Nothing in the house gets done unless I have a list of current jobs. Whenever I ask him to do something it's always 'can I do it in a bit?!' Or 'I'll do it later'.
It does drive me mad, but I did know he was like this when we met, and most of the time we run along well.

Sometimes it really gets me down, but I do think to myself that he is consistent (I grew up in a very chaotic household, so this is bliss in comparison), he's honest, and he's caring in his own way.

I do miss the idea of intimacy, and someone who 'gets me', but I often look outside of our relationship and think I have it much better than a lot!

I guess what I meant by that @lifebegins50 is that I was hoping some sort of therapy whether cbt based or not could possibly help if the issues weren’t all down to the Aspergers as I understand that that as part of ASD that is unlikely to change. I’m trying to read up on what is typical Aspie behaviour and learn more myself about what I can realistically expect to improve or change but tbh the more I’m reading and the more I’m discovering from others on here hope is fading fast and I’m seeing it’s more about me accepting him. It’s just so bloody difficult.

Hi @HappyKatieA really great to hear from someone else who understands what I’m dealing with here!! I wish I could find it more endearing. At times it is as I know he’s looking for something for me and now that I understand more about the Aspie brain I can see that he struggles hugely to trust his own judgement on things and so therefore goes over and over the same thing hundreds of times until he feels confident about it. Whether that’s a decision over a purchase or booking a holiday or sending an email he will spend hours agonising over it. Sometimes I think the house could be on fire or I could be dancing naked in front of him and he wouldn’t notice!!
It’s actually really therapeutic having people to talk to about this as in RL it’s more tricky so thank you!

I find this really difficult too: is he just being rude/selfish/uncaring or is this symptomatic of his aspieness? I find he's also very hard to read which can be quite unnerving. He just doesn't see things in the same way as most people but doesn't want to accept that as a reality, some form of "well every one has their own take on life" will be his response. Also does anyone else with an aspie chap have any experience with the out and out refusal to believe anything you say without giving them "empirical evidence"? This attitude drives me absolutely demented! And of course anything he says can and should be acceptable just because he says it is so. I've raised this issue with him on several occasions and am always met with his complete inability to understand the difference. It can feel extremely isolating at times.

Yes that all sounds familiar my partner takes any form of criticism terribly - I often feel that I have to tread on eggshells if I’m going to have a differing view from him on something and word things carefully. I often feel like my opinion is not valued. For example, I have 3 older children and we have a child together - I worked in education with young children too yet if he has an idea about something relating to our daughter that I’m pretty certain from years of experience won’t work and try to point this out to him he still won’t listen to the evidence against it being successful and tried to forge ahead regardless which sometimes results in upsetting or endangering our child in some way and always results in an argument. It’s beyond upsetting and frustrating!! Like you say you don’t feel listened to which results in not feeling valued...

Just wrote a long post about a guy im seeing, who, after reading this I suspect may well be AS. Blunt to the point of rudeness. Honest without regard for people's feelings and not aware when he has caused upset. Sees everything very black and white with no shades of grey. But completely lacking in empathy/sympathy.

I had been thinking he was just going through a bad patch/stress and that these things would get better, but if it is simply that his brain is wired differently then I'm wondering if you would have entered your current relationships if you had known about the asd at the beginning?

I should add that he can also be very loving and some of these same traits led him to do or say things when we first met that I found refreshing and endearing which is why I fell for him in the first place.