DP just diagnosed with Aspergers - advice?

[Spacecadet43]

So my DP has recently been diagnosed with Aspergers which has brought me mixed feelings really, but it’s helped me accept that there are genuine reasons for some of his difficult behaviour. Is anyone out there in a similar situation that has any advice about living with someone with Aspergers?

@MiddleAgedMe, having to be right, seems to be a feature for ex, it got worse when his career took off as it gave him more justification but he just appeared arrogant.
Another feature was stating the obvious, which came over as naive in social situations.
Op, have you seen wrongplanet site?

Following this dh undiagnosed aspergers. Asked him to put the washing away this morning and he taught the children how to write an algorithm to sort it. It took 4 hours to put the washing away (more perfectly than I’ve ever done it). Countless stories! Couples counselling the best thing we’ve ever done. It really helps.

I'm glad to hear that helped @SolWave, I've been thinking we should probably go down this route too. Sometimes he's so lovely and our humour is quite similar so we have great laughs at times. But this evening for instance, we started to watch a film and he's spent the entire time huffing and puffing and getting up and fussing about in the kitchen. I knew this meant that at some point he was going to say he's tired and going to bed. This means I'm sitting here on my own....and he spent the part of his evening that he was most responsive messaging his friend. He talks to this friend all day every day just for context, mostly online. He's also still utterly in denial about our DC whose aspie behaviours seem to be on the increase. I've noticed a lot of fist clenching this last week. A quick google makes it pretty clear that this is a behaviour associated with autistic spectrum brains, but in the words of my DP any behaviour could indicate anything and is completely inconclusive of anything and until we've had a professional look at DC, DC is perfectly normal. I told him again that a professional IS going to look at DC and he reacted as if this is the first he's ever heard of it even though I've been telling him for a month now. Am I unreasonable for feeling irritated? Just after the events of today....the convo about DC happened earlier today

@Spacecadet43 the eggshells thing!! Yes! We had so many arguments because I would ask a simple question and he would use misdirection and projection and we'd end up arguing about something completely different without me knowing how we got there! I'm wiser to it now, but I still sometimes get a bit nervous when I know I have to say something he'll disagree with or feel is a criticism. He really doesn't take criticism well either!

We had difficulties with our dc too. A year ago before he had a breakdown. We had the most difficult time. Finally in the summer he accepted help - medication and counselling and it’s a huge change for the better. He had immersed himself in work (software) so I was single parenting three under four for a year or so. I’ve done several tests (he would never agree to professional diagnosis) and he comes up as borderline aspie. we were both at breaking point prior to counselling. I only persevered because my DF had left when I was a child and I wanted my children to have access to theirs (I rarely saw mine). DS (5) highly sensitive and gifted.

I'm a bit luckier with the ill thing though. If I stay downstairs while I'm unwell he'll just let me get on with it without really helping. But if I say I have to stay in bed he'll take over and get mostly everything done. I don't take advantage of this,although I probably should :)

I feel the same. I have a fairly strained relationship with my father and I'm sure my DC will do better if we stay together. Like OP I have older children and my youngest is the one DP and I share biologically. I doubt he would cope at all with such a massive shift in his routine. I also did online tests to see where DP scored, and he scored low to mid level through my perception, but when he did the test himself he scored as NT! I think he thinks he's completely NT but his behaviours don't back that theory!

Hi @badsurname no I’m not sure I would if I’m frank. I fell in love with my partner online. When we met our first date was bloody awful to be frank - now that I understand him more and with his diagnosis I can see that the beautiful messages he sent me that were so soulful and sensitive were a far cry from the mute, awkward uncommunicative (bordering on rude!) man I met! He is absolutely bloody gorgeous though and I guess because I felt I’d got to know his inner being I put it down to him being a massive introvert initially. There were a few moments during the coming months when we were falling in love that I saw bits of him I wasn’t sure about but he had a quiet charm and seemed so genuine that I overlooked them. Again his online and written personas were so much easier to connect with than the man in person but I’d fallen for him at that point. We shared common interests but even when we met he had a hobby that he would obsessed about. At the time I thought that was because he was hoping to become professional in this field but now I know him I see it was just one of many faddy things he’s got obsessed about. For the record and not sure it’s relevant only a handful of people in rl have any clue about the Aspergers. A lot of my friends still swoon over him..🙄

@MiddleAgedMe no I’ve not heard of the wrongplanet site will have a look at it thank you!! My DP did lots of online tests before we went to the gp for referral - he always scored highly eg: 42/50 8/10 etc so had a good idea he may be on spectrum.
@SoIWave couples counselling is on the agenda glad it helped you

Following with great interest and sympathy. As the NT daughter of an undiagnosed aspie and (probably) wife of another, this has coloured my whole life. DF's autism while i was growing up 'wired' me for relationships with similar men as an adult, and as a result I've never had a truly successful relationship. DH may or may not be aspie- he's certainly got traits but check I'm unsure whether they are intrinsic or the result of growing up with an undiagnosed aspie mother- no coincidence that we ended up together! I'm hopeful that the relatively recent increased understanding and visibility of ASD might change things in the future, and I do think it's important for anyone bringing up NT DC in a mixed relationship to safeguard their development against normalizing the emotional isolation and neglect NTs often experience from aspies, or they'll be very likely to repeat this in their own relationships, like I did.

Hi Space,

You say that when you ask for help he can be so passive aggressive, bad tempered or unpleasant - does he know he's coming across like this? Mine wouldn't, it's just that he'd be so concentrated on the job in hand that he might act in a way that, to me (and others), it appears as though he's in a really bad mood, but, actually, he's totally fine, he just doesn't have the 'energy' to be able to act like that. It takes a lot of guts for me to turn round to him and ask him if he's in a mood, or, alternatively, tell him to get a grip and sort his attitude out, but that is all that it takes. (Unless he is in a mood, of course!). Are you able to ask him about it after an incident like this?

Had never thought of the putting off of jobs as being related to it all, but it could be. Our front door was broken for a good couple of years before he fixed it! If anyone else asks him to do something he's there in a flash, but something at home? I can forget it! Amusingly, I asked for his help cleaning the kitchen cupboards about a year ago. He agreed, cleaned one off his own bat then asked, in all sincerity, if that was it done (why that one cupboard was different to the other 12 I don't know!). He mentioned, the other day, that we need to clean them this week. Don't know if he'll get round to it or not. I'll probably do them myself, but it would be so much easier if we could do them together.

He is a high stress person and relies heavily on others to facilitate his life. I'd inadvertently become his therapist over the course of our relationship, even now he rings to ask advice on things and make sense of his emotions (which I try to avoid as it's not my job anymore!). His new dp is his social life coordinator and live-in nanny when the dc are with him as well as his therapist

Did this post upthread strike anyone? An Aspie describing an ex with whom she remains on good terms. It's a great example of the differences in perception - I have a vision of the ex engaging the poster in conversation in the only way they can, by asking their opinion, and the poster interpreting it as having to 'facilitate their life' and wanting to avoid it. Shows the challenges of seeking intimacy and engagement when the partners see these things in such completely different ways.

In therapy we’re working on accepting differences because he has always seen his way as the only way - it’s taken a therapist to get through to him. He often hasn’t realised how he’s come across so we’re working on that too. It wasn’t really an issue pre DC. His anxiety is usually very high and meds have taken the edge off. It’s been such a relief over the past year to learn about aspergers and OCD (GAD too possibly?)

This thread has really helped me, thanks everyone for sharing your experiences. I'm really struggling with trying to understand my DH. I posted a new thread, would some of you be able to advise please? www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3211866-Could-my-DH-be-on-the-spectrum

No I don’t think he realises @TimeIhadaNameChange but once pointed out he goes into hyper defensive mode and it makes things worse! He will clap his hands over his ears and say shut up shut up!! if I raise my voice. It is absolutely exasperating. He will always reflect and often I notice him he’s listened to me as he changes the manner of the behaviour or actions but without acknowledging it if yswim?
For example I might say please don’t chop the meat on the veggie board you know we use separate boards and he’d probably snarl at me what difference does it make and mutter under his breath and carry on. If I then ask him to stop, or show signs I’m annoyed with him then eventually he storms off and tells me to shut up. But then I might notice next time he’s using the correct board. Does that make sense? Probably a bad example!!

Been following with interest.....
I am feeling a bit low about my DH following an Easter bank holiday weekend with zero communication or motivation to do anything. It comes home to me when we are thrown together- he really is playing his guitar in his own little bubble.
(He almost certainly has ASD - DS is getting an official diagnosis)
I have gone out on some of the days with friends doing activities but can’t help but feel sad I didn’t sign up for a marriage to someone with ASD and it’s never going there change.
I can’t get mad at DH as he is completely oblivious and I know he is caring and it’s not his fault.
I have made the decision to stay as my kids need emotional support full time that only I can provide and we are entering exams stage.
I guess I am just off loading and trying to feel better from other wives going through the same
Work normally provides me with social contact and validation. I must be in the minority of those who dread family breaks and time together

Hi @middleage3 I’ve found opening up on here so therapeutic tbh - it’s been invaluable to hear there are others going through similar. I feel bad at times reading back through some of my posts as my DP is not a bad person - he absolutely adores our DD and is great with her (although he can get frustrated easily if she’s acting up) and I know he cares about me he just shows it in ways that aren’t particularly important to me. He buys me lovely thoughtful gifts and regularly turns up from work with my favourite biscuit or chocolate or flowers. It’s just if rather he was more demonstrative - the lack of emotional support is a killer. He rarely offers to do stuff to help my parents or older kids out either which upsets me - it really genuinely just doesn’t seem to occur to him. And I worry as I’m now an only child having lost my brother a long time ago and my parents aren’t getting any younger so I fear I will be dealing their care alone in the future. It’s stuff like that that makes me sad really. The guitar playing bubble is all to familiar to me too..

My DF had a guitar bubble! DH sadly has an internet surfing one - less enjoyable as a spectator sport

Hi
Space my parents died quite a few years ago and I am an only child. DH was good with practicalities but after the event there was nil emotional support with anniversaries/Christmas/mother’s day etc and I found that really tough - basically I had to grieve in silence. DH would do stuff like cook meals and help clear the house though

I am chuckling at the thought of all our DHs in their guitar bubbles I could have bashed him over the head with it this weekend at times though (joke)
My DH buys me chocolate and nice cards - I really feel like saying ‘ I would much rather have an hour of your time and for you to listen to me and show me you love and value me’ but he just can’t do it and it’s not worth even having the discussion

Space, your example over chopping board really resonates with me. I would notice a change sometimes but it was never verbalised.However his initial reaction/anger/frustration was completely draining as homelife felt unnecessarily combative.I ended up choosing my words carefully aka walking on eggshells.

I think Aspie men are often drawn to warm, empatic and sensitive partners, therefore their harshness has a greater impact.
Ex was also a devoted dad but that changed as dc got older and were no longer as compliant.They now struggle with his harshness and his lack of "caring".
Life without him is so much more relaxed but our situation was exaggerated by ex's poor coping mechanisms of the stress from his work.

Ex said he knows he will not have another serious relationship as this is his 2nd marriage. He doesn't know why they fail..it is genuinely a mystery to him as he feels he provides financially, doesn't stay out drinking, does a share of housework and childcare (if it doesn't conflict with his plans), asks how my day was, and deals with practical stuff like cars and cutting the grass..what else does a wife need??

Hi
From what you have been saying in the last few days my 'condition' must be quite mild. I do the 'do a new thing if it is more interesting' thing and can get frustrated/annoyed if I am broken off what I was doing. A bit like Mr Toad in Toad of Toad hall.
Although I would normally go for 'technical' things if it were to be some garden digging or house painting then after an initial 'grump' would usually get on with it quite happily. My emotional 'spontaneity' is lacking in many respects although if DW was unwell I would happily sort out whatever needed sorting, although possibly needing a 'kickstart'.
Of course what should be borne in mind is that many of you are looking at this from a 'NT' point of view. As Aspies are usually perfectly 'functioning but different' the reverse of what you are saying could be applied. I think however that the Aspie may well ruminate less over things that are distracting or at least respond in a different way.

I’m sorry to hear about your losses @middleageme what you’ve said about how your partner handled it sounds just like mine. My partner is not a fan of clutter (ocd tendencies - shame the same can’t be said about cleaning stuff... ) so therefore he would be great at the sorting out (chucking out more likely as it’s ok for him to have emotional attachment to things but not me) but I know for a fact he would be beyond rubbish at the hospital or gp visits or sorting out care or lifts or getting his hands dirty without lots of pushing, so I get scared thinking ahead. I worry about if my health were to decline how little care or involvement there would be from him. If I asked him to find me a rare vinyl he’d be there like a shot or to look up the history of a local building but if I said could he look up plumbers to refit our bathroom (I sorted it - again) I would wait weeks. My dad ends up coming over to do odd jobs for me when my health is playing up and he has RA himself so I hate him having to do that.
@lifebegins50 what you said there really resonates and makes me feel miserable about future prospects. It really resonates with me - particularly when you said about how your ex DH’s relationship with his DC changed in time. It’s such a tough one to know how things will pan out. My daughter worships him atm.
@outsbout as always I appreciate your posts and point of view. You are of course absolutely right in saying an NT brain would probably ruminate more, generally, and need more than just functionality and this is what it all boils down to. 2 Aspies together may well have a much better chance of settling into a rythym and more satisfactory relationship than the inevitable frustrations of us NT/Aspie partnerships.

Space - I can relate to the not acknowledging of things, but acting on it later very well. Generally it will be me making plans: I'll tell him what the plan is (well, how I want things to go) and he'll act like he's not listening. Yet, come the hour, even if it's many days later, he'll be ready. He may check with me once in the meantime what the arrangements are but we won't really have a conversation about them. This actually led to a huge falling out with a friend who thought I was playing games when I made arrangements for DP and I to do something with her and she didn't think he knew what was going on when we were talking about it in front of him. From his POV he knew fine well, but didn't think he needed to engage in the conversation.

There was a more extreme example of this recently, whereby 6 months after I'd made a flippant remark to a friend in DP's company he brought it up, having been thinking about it ever since (I'd long since forgotten). It was very strange.

middleage - do you know about the 5 love languages? It seems to me that, Asperger's aside, it may help you to have a read about them as it seems you and your DH have a clash there: you show, and want, love through time whilst he does it through gift giving.

With regards to the anniversaries of your parents' deaths etc could you tell him a few days before that the day is going to be hard for you and it would really help if he could at least acknowledge the day somehow. I know you'd rather you got some spontaneous empathy from him but, since that's not going to happen, you could just give him a metaphorical kick up the backside.

Please don't take this as a direct criticism but just as something to ponder on for a moment.
Having read (too much) stuff on MN I have the impression that women tend to 'over think' things too much. They see (or think) of an ideal and strive to achieve it, in my, usually logical and practical, mind too much.
No one really knows what will happen tomorrow, so in many respects you make a plan and hope that it will happen.
On the basis that the relationships being discussed here were good at the beginning and the partners are not cheating there must be at least some spark of hope. Yes a readjustment is necessary and only you as individuals can have an idea of what might work for you. As @Space says she is concerned for future care, how does your DH respond to direct 'commands'? With some help and training would he step up and do whatever is necessary?
Of the things that women think of as being necessary at a specific time or does in that way REALLY necessary?
As I like to be at least a few minutes ahead of any deadline a classic that would really annoy me would be when going out somewhere and established we would leave at 10:00. DW would announce she was ready to go at 10:00 but needed to: find coat, shoes, handbag, purse, put some washing in (that I would happily do later) and....you get the idea.
What I think I am trying to get to is the discussion of what is actually important and what things you could 'let go'. The saddest thing I can think of is someone at their deathbed when all you can say they did in life was have a spotlessly clean and tidy house. The world will not end if you don't brush your hair and you are wearing the same clothes as yesterday.