DP just diagnosed with Aspergers - advice?

[Spacecadet43]

So my DP has recently been diagnosed with Aspergers which has brought me mixed feelings really, but it’s helped me accept that there are genuine reasons for some of his difficult behaviour. Is anyone out there in a similar situation that has any advice about living with someone with Aspergers?

Best of luck to you freedtuckmaster Thanks for updating 🙂

@Freedtuckmaster I’m so glad you are feeling better. Please do not in any way apologise I fully understand we are all here if you want to talk or share further

Hello all, I just have a quick question. The lack of empathy side of things can be quite spectacular in my house. There has been another classic episode this morning and now that he has been told that a lack of empathy is part of the Aspergers he throws that in my face every time he’s horrible. And when I say horrible I mean unbelievably uncaring. I am going through some very unpleasant health problems and menopause issues too and he just glares at me or snaps at mr if I mention it or complain in any way. I’m uncertain if I should be attributing all of this to the Aspergers or if he’s just not a very nice man at times. There are lots of aspects of Aspie behaviour I’m learning to adjust to but this side of things is incredibly difficult. It’s worse since diagnosis as it’s almost as if he thinks it gives him a validity to being hurtful,uncaring, disinterested, snappy or downright unpleasant at times. I feel like a record on repeat with some of my posts but this side of things can be very tough going. Luckily I have other caring people in my life and I know he loves me and mostly doesn’t like upsetting me but at times it’s like living with two people.

Hi Spacecadet,
I find I need to tell my husband how he needs to behave or react. Empathy is something that I've been teaching y son, and luckily I think my husband had listened, because he does seem to be getting better at it.
So, an example would be "I feel like ... today, I need you to understand that this isn't normal for me, and I need a hug" or something along those lines.
Sometimes I say "This happened to me today, I don't need you to solve it, I just need you to listen".
Of course, it doesn't always work, but it has definitely improved things.
Is this something you could do?

Hi @HappyKatieA Thanks very much for your response I do realise now that I have to be more direct. It’s been a whole new way of thinking for me as I was brought up to believe being direct was rude and I struggle to make my needs so apparent but I can see that is how his brain functions so differently to mine and this is what I have to do. Unfortunately there are times when I see his DF in him (almost certainly undiagnosed Aspie) who is a very difficult and unpopular man. My DP is worried he will end up like him (alone and disfunctional) so I know he wants to work on this side to him and from my side I will do what I can to improve communication. He’s often sorry afterwards when he’s thought about how he’s reacted and how it has hurt me. It’s just so bloody difficult at times. Anyway thanks for that it’s really appreciated - I’m glad things are improving for you and hope to be able to post something similar myself eventually!!

My ex seemed to struggle to understand intent.He reacted defensively if I mentioned my health or some issue..almost as if felt attacked when it might just be a comment.
The different behaviour infront of people is worrying as he obviously knows what is acceptable behaviour..and can control when he is unpleasant

I never worked out if it was ASD or just an unpleasant highly defensive man.If your dh has an awful dad he will only have him as a model so I think any ASD traits can get exaggerated.

I suffered health issues whilst with ex and feel it was my body reacting to the stress even if I felt I was coping ok.

Maybe start a journal..log the incidents, what seemed to be a trigger and how you and he responded, also grade your level of upset.Over time it helps to reflect and see what can make a difference.If it is continually getting worse then it may help you determine your future.

ASD can coexist with "not being a very nice man".
That's ultimately what I determined and decided to leave.

I know @lifebegins50 it’s a very confusing time for me atm and I’ve no idea how things will turn out. I think it’s increasingly obvious that our DD who is 2 and a half also has an ASD of some sort. She will be at preschool in a few months so I guess it will come to light more then. He is a very loving father to her and part of the issue I have is if I separate from him the affect it will have on her. I think the journal is an excellent idea. I do worry that the characteristics he has of his DF ( who incidentally has always been charming to me but my SIL goes through hell with him and I’ve heard some shocking stories of their childhood) maybe a part of him that won’t change. I know he doesn’t like his DF either and resents him for not being a respectable role model he could grow up looking up to. The journal is a great idea actually - will start on that straight away. He can be incredibly sweet and thoughtful sometimes but usually only when he is relaxed and without any perceived stress to deal with. Stress can be anything from knowing he has to make a phone call or fill in a form or make a decision or empty the bins. It’s very difficult. I guess I need to stop posting on here and see how things develop. Thank you @lifebegins50

At the risk of stating the bleeding obvious, making a phone call is genuinely stressful. It drives me up the wall that it's still necessary in this day and age.

I do hope things get better for you.