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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I am so scared

344 replies

Mummyanne · 17/02/2018 20:23

Some background: Me and my partner have been together over two years. We have an 18month old baby and we used to live together but we broke up. Upon getting back together he said he didn't want to live with me yet.

It's been a while now and he's set a date to move to Spain in April. He wants to ty it for himself for a month and then me and his daughter will join him and if he doesn't like it with us there, he will tell us to come home to England.

We argue a bit about the minimal effort he makes as I suffer with depression and anxiety and other issues and he doesn't like how much I need him and the fact that I've put on weight, he says he wants the old me back. But he doesn't seem to care anymore and I'm so so scared of losing him what should I do.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mummyanne · 25/02/2018 11:34

He's blaming me saying I stopped him doing what he wants with his life

OP posts:
MyRelationshipIsWeird · 25/02/2018 13:35

He’s rewriting history so that he can feel better about stringing you along.

Please try to find your self respect - he has clearly told you that he’s either not sure if he loves you or definitely doesn’t love you. Neither of those is good enough. Unless he tells you that you are the absolute love of his life AND ACTS LIKE IT he is not deserving of your time and attention.

eggncress · 25/02/2018 14:38

You are your own person, not an extension of him.You need to get your self respect and say to yourself “he doesn’t deserve me, I can do better”.
Break away from him and tell him to go away.
Don’t prolong the agony for yourself.Once he’s out of your life things will get better.You will be able to think for yourself.Flowers

elisenbrunnen · 25/02/2018 16:23

Of course he's blaming you. He hardly going to blame himself, is he?

Let him go - there is no support or help for you from there.

Concentrate on getting a stable, permanent home for you and your LO. Alone - which doesn't mean lonely BTW! Get what financial support you can from him (v little, I am afraid) and make a new life for yourself. What's the alternative?

Flowers
SanFranBear · 25/02/2018 17:03

Your fear of being on your own is palpable - your thread title is so apt.

I don't want to hurt you more than you already are but he doesn't seem bothered because he isn't. Him actually moving to Gibraltar could be the making of you - without him there, putting you down, making you insecure and clingy, causing so much pain because he can, will mean you and concentrate on DD and what you want in life.

It is terrifying and I can understand why you dont want this to be happening but he's not the one, he's bad news for you and I hope you can get some space to help you see this.

Whereabouts are you, OP? There is real life support available for you in Women's Aid or Gingerbread and right here so don't stop posting.

Original poster
Mummyanne · 25/02/2018 17:32

It's just so hard. We've been through this before and he came back. I just can't let him go. I love him so much I can't imagine my life without him.8 love him so so much. He at the end did say it was both our fault and he still wants me to be his friend and he will still be here for me. Every time we broke up I just begged and begged for him back and we did and I can't stop myself again

OP posts:
MadMags · 25/02/2018 18:38

You don’t have a choice. Sorry to be harsh but you can’t force him to be with you and once he goes, he’s gone and that’s it.

The best thing you can do is get yourself a good life. Get a job, stand on your own two feet financially and otherwise, and make a good life for your daughter.

She will learn from you what is and isn’t acceptable. Do you want her pining after some man who doesn’t want her?

GrockleBocs · 25/02/2018 19:01

The biggest favour he could do you is get on the plane, change his mobile number and not give you a forwarding address. Or you could look at this thread which probably would help you through not contacting him:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3176378-NC-Dignity-Club-part-7-always-wear-your-invisible-crown

Strawberry2017 · 25/02/2018 19:38

Sadly I think once he gets to Spain you won't hear from him again, and I think you will be better off if you don't.
This isn't love, this is a truly sad situation.
You deserve more and he won't give it to you.
Be strong, let him go and stay away.
You will find love and you will realise this wasn't it and life will be so much better.

Offred · 25/02/2018 19:47

What he is saying is bigger than your relationship. He’s saying his daughter is something bad that you have done to him and that he isn’t going to be a parent.

Original poster
Mummyanne · 25/02/2018 23:39

I feel so stupid. We had sex and I thought it meant something. Only to find out he's not upset one bit he was just scared to leave and he said after tomorrow he won't be in my life that much just for our daughter and that hurt. I feel so stupid I love him so much. Luckily I'll be going to my shitty temporary accommodation tomorrow and won't be around him

OP posts:
eggncress · 25/02/2018 23:52

He’s using you for sex. Don’t let him, you will feel shit afterwards. It’s not because he loves you, it’s just because you are there and willing. I know this hurts but you need to respect yourself. Next time he is all nicely nice because he wants sex,just say no and tell him to gtf !! Just get rid. He is making you feel bad every minute of every day. Can’t you see that ?No Contact is the best approach. You need to cut him out of your life completely or he will continue manipulating you because he knows you are so dependent on him.

GrockleBocs · 26/02/2018 00:56

You're a willing vagina. Easy sex. It didn't mean anything. I hope you have solid contraception.
I know we're harsh. I do understamd it's hard. But there is no way to make it better. He doesn't care and you will understand this soon. About you or your daughter. So you have 2 options. Go under or support your dd. You must not go under. There is a small child who loves you more than anyone else will love you. Give her your full attention.

littletinyme1 · 26/02/2018 03:25

Did uou use contraception? If not try to get MAP asap

Zoflorabore · 26/02/2018 04:06

Actions speak louder than words.

Sounds very cruel of me but the best thing this creature could do for you is to go to Gibraltar and never contact you again.

You deserve more and more importantly, so does your little girl.

Stop this cycle now. And please do not end up pregnant again by him.

Original poster
Mummyanne · 26/02/2018 19:40

We didn't use contraception we haven't for a while. I didn't think I was just happy he was willing. I can't go full no contact as we have a child together but it will be minimal

OP posts:
eggncress · 26/02/2018 19:42

Are you trying for another child with him?

Offred · 26/02/2018 23:13

You are playing with fire.

You are already struggling to manage one DD, in temporary housing that isn’t suitable, with a man who doesn’t support the child he already has and who is running away from you and his child in one month...

Please, you really need to start prioritising DD.

Get on some contraception, stop trying to force him into being with you and focus all the effort you were making with that on getting into proper housing with the child you already have.

If you continue down this path your DD is going to really suffer.

This man abuses you and will never love you. He isn’t going to support his child either.

Original poster
Mummyanne · 27/02/2018 20:01

I miss him sooo much. I keep hearing theee songs everywhere and seeing things that reminds me of him. I just am so in love I just want to text him and tell him and ask him back. I can't stand the thought of living without him or him loving someone else and having a new family.

OP posts:
gingergenius · 27/02/2018 20:03

OP you need to get some help in RL

Ijustwantabloodyusername · 27/02/2018 22:33

I feel desperately sorry for your Daughter. Second best to a man who doesn't care about her Mum, at all.

You need real life help. As you've learned nothing from the amazing advice that people have taken time and effort to give, on here.

Runninglateeveryday · 27/02/2018 22:48

He doesn't love you , you need to have a bit of dignity and not beg for him back. You will find someone one day who loves you and it won't be this stressful, focus on your DD and forget him or he will continue to come in and out of your life knowing you'll tolerate anything and treating you like shit.

Itsjustmarley · 27/02/2018 23:13

OP I've seen the good advice on here you've been given and you NEED to take it, a lot of posters (including myself) have dealt with these kind of men where they only give you crumbs (I suspect these men think they're golden) or just are blatantly saying they don't want you. Why are you accepting this? And why do you want someone who doesn't want you? Write your reason down. And why do you love him so much? What does he give you that makes you love him so much? It sounds like your priority is getting him rather than your DD. I think you could really benefit from counselling or just getting books on getting over breakups if you don't want to see anyone. But begging is the least attractive thing ever..... please don't do it.

GrockleBocs · 28/02/2018 00:13

Get a grip. You can beg him to come back. He might until he goes to Gib. And then you'll be in exactly the same position but with even less dignity.
What are you going to do when he goes?
Look at your child. Forget schmaltzy songs and artificial sentiment. You've got part of him right there. Throw your unrequited love into being the best mother to his child. She needs you. She wants you. She's half of him. Get your priorities straight. That's all you get. Unless you're pregnant again

RavenLG · 28/02/2018 00:47

I mean, he says he loves me and I do believe him because why would he lie?

If he loved you he would be BEGGING you to move with him. He wouldn't be making you AND HIS CHILD wait a month to move out there, then fuck you off if he decides he doesn't want you there.

Raise your standards, get some courage and LTB! You deserve better.

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