I am so scared

[Mummyanne]

Some background: Me and my partner have been together over two years. We have an 18month old baby and we used to live together but we broke up. Upon getting back together he said he didn't want to live with me yet.

It's been a while now and he's set a date to move to Spain in April. He wants to ty it for himself for a month and then me and his daughter will join him and if he doesn't like it with us there, he will tell us to come home to England.

We argue a bit about the minimal effort he makes as I suffer with depression and anxiety and other issues and he doesn't like how much I need him and the fact that I've put on weight, he says he wants the old me back. But he doesn't seem to care anymore and I'm so so scared of losing him what should I do.

@GrockleBocs

It's a lot harder than I even thought. Why is it so ducking hard to get him off my mind. He's ALL I can think about. I still talk a lot too him and I just haven't wanted to leave the room

It's like any addiction. The more you know you can't have it, the more you want it. The only thing you can do is keep on trying and get some support like the Freedom Programme to help you stay strong.
There's no easy answer but life is better without addictions rulling you.

It would help you to go no contact with him.

Obviously there is your DD to think about and NC is probably too big a step for you emotionally right now.

IMO you should get some STI tests and have a discussion about contraception with the sexual health clinic or your GP.

Listen to new rules by Dua Lipa on repeat.

Try to set up regular contact between him and DD that requires minimal arrangements with you.

And reduce your contact with him but by bit until it is at nothing.

I am not writing this to make excused, I'm writing his because I hope someone has felt the same or someone Can tell me this is normal?!!

Since we have broken up nothing has felt real. I suffer with disassociation anyway but this has been worse. I just feel like there's a massive clock in my head that's allowing any thoughts to go through. In a weird way I know I'm so so depressed and anxious but I'm like numb? I just don't want to do anything and nothing is sinking in like I'm taking everything as I go. Like this crappy accommodation I've been out in and all the moving around causing my daughter anxiety and not having money and him being the only one that's ever really supported me is making me want to stay around even if I'm in the side. But like I'll happily talk but sometimes when we on the phone it's me rushing off of it and idk why??? I'm so confused I want to get a nice place and become a lot healthier physically and mentally but I haven't got the motivation and I seem to be going the wrong way. And he's on my mind. Is this normal or what ?? Any advice

Massive block*

Also I feel like it's my fault. He said he can't continue because he doesn't know whether he loves me and he can't help me no more. As In my anxiety because I was so dependant in him making me feel better and him being there I was overly clingy and it got annoying and I seemed controlling and all I wanted was love but I was there 24/7 so I get it. I feel bad at the thought of not speaking to him at all idk why maybe because I feel There's still a chance and because I feel I'm the reason we broke up and I shouldn't just leave him hanging. Besides if he ends up finding a job sooner and going gib it'll be hard to communicate anyway. I'm just upset, scared and confused,

Also maybe we can be friends we just weren't good in a relationship

I'm so angry that he is saying such poisonous shit that is making you feel bad.

Your anxiety stems from him not spending time with you, not wanting you, resenting you for your daughter, wanting his freedom and no doubt to fuck other women. Your anxiety comes from loving a scumbag who treats you absolutely disgustingly. And he is using that against you!

None of that is the reason he is leaving. He is leaving because he is a nasty immature little fuckboy who has no respect for you and doesn't care for his daughter AT ALL. No decent father would treat his daughter so disgustingly. There is absolutely zero way he is being a good father.

Honestly I understand being depressed and disassociating. But i am very worried about your daughter. You are not protecting her. You need to put her first. You have to fully walk away and choose your daughter as your only priority. Because for her to be happy, you have to be happy. And you won't do it for you. You have to do it for her.

Leave and don't look back. Every child deserves both parents. Your child doesn't have 2 parents. She has a mother and a sperm donor that didn't care for her and sees her as baggage and ruining his carefree life with parental responsibility.

You really are dragging out the drama, aren’t you?

Grow up. Fast.

OP - you are so young; only a child yourself.

BUT you cannot depend on him to save you. Or look after you. Or even to care. He has a lovely single life to look forward to - no child care, no worries, Sunshine, Sangria, carefree.

You need to buckle down and be the Parent who stayed for your daughter. Or leave her in the care of someone else (like he is doing) and go and be carefree, childfree, worry - free.

There is no middle ground. Both of you are parents. If he fucks off to Spain, someone needs to pick up the baby.

I get that you want looking after - you are still young. But HE will not be doing this. YOU need to do this , for yourself. All HE is doing is dragging you further down. He is NOT good for you. Only you can be good for you.

Block him. He is only after what he can get from you. Concentrate on your daughter - if that is what you want. Or look into letting her go to someone who can and will love her and put her first.

Yes, how you are feeling is quite normal... IF your partner is abusive...

There isn’t really another explanation that fits TBH. He’s made your self worth entirely dependent on him and is doing a push/pull thing of intermittent reinforcement that keeps you on the hook and willing to put up with whatever crumbs he wants.

I am angry about him too.

He’s even got you feeling like not dancing to his tune is cruel to him!!!

Well done for cutting the conversations short. That is the right step forward. He is not your friend and never will be IMO. You should not try to be friends.

I said at the beginning that I'd had similar feelings when I was about your age and had an abusive partner. I would cling to him. I would phone him and hate myself. He made me feel not good enough, criticised me, treated me badly and back I went for more, believing I could do better.

Would you consider speaking to women’s aid?

When I was just a little older than you and I had DS and was PG with DD they basically saved us by reprogramming me. They are really really good.

I remember something switching in my head after a couple of appointments where they seemed to know everything about him and were able to predict everything that he was going to do with perfect accuracy and just thinking ‘I can’t trust myself here because he’s messed with my head so, uncomfortable as it feels, I am just going to do everything they suggest I do and trust that they know better than me right now’ and they did know better than me and it really did feel like finally someone cared and was helping in a good way. I just stopped hearing him in my head then.

Yes OP... Women’s Aid will be a huge help to you. Give them a call. They have helped me a lot through regular meet ups with a support worker and they are fantastic. Maybe they can offer you the support you need right now as they have a good understanding of abusive behaviours and can show you coping strategies.

Thank you for all the messages and support.

He keeps saying he's gonna he here for us and he's still our friend and he's not moving on and he loves me but we can't get back together because he broke up so I can get back on my feet and not be dependant on him.

Your friend? Jog on sunshine. He's not your friend. He's a miserable shit who happens to be the father of your child. He's not going to be there for you in Gib.

I don't think he is abusive @Offred.
I think he is as young and confused as I am.

Age is no excuse. Once you have a child you have to grow the fuck up. Something neither of you are doing and clinging on to teenage fancies.

He is abusive. He is an adult who is refusing to act like one and support his daughter and treat you like a human being.

You need to stop using age as an excuse. Plenty of us have grown up and supported our children without partners because we had to. We had to grow up and get on with it. We couldn't sit and pine for a man that didn't care about his child or us.

The ONLY way this will work if you fully let go of him. Don't pretend you can be friends. Don't listen to him saying 'he does love you both'. I would eat my head if that was even half true. Don't try and move on to another boyfriend. Just concentrate on your daughter. Concentrate of valuing yourself.

OP, as I said earlier, you NEED to go to your GP. Part of why you can't get him off your mind is because you have been using him as a coping mechanism for your depression and anxiety.

Feeling depressed and anxious to the point of being numb, is likely a severe depressive episode. You need support, GP and Woman's Aid.

I don't think he is abusive Offred.
I think he is as young and confused as I am.

I know love, but I’m as sure as I can be that he is abusive. He has been physical, he messes with your head, he turns everything around onto you...

I’m pretty sure that it’s you being young and confused and this being your first real relationship that is causing you not to see that he is abusive.

I didn’t understand that I was being abused either. I didn’t even know what women’s aid was, I got referred by the children’s centre. That was an advantage I had because I didn’t even have to think about whether I was ‘legitimately’ using their service. I just went along because people I trusted said they would help in my situation.

Re your MH issues and the dissociation. When did it start? There are a lot of things going on here and it wouldn’t be surprising to me if this was a mix of your difficult circumstances, him being abusive and PND.

@Offred

It began as I child. I went through some stuff a child should never have to do. My parents were always arguing and I was stuck. He brought me out of that.

his dad is quite controlling and overruling to his mum but she gets on with it and doesn't say anything too often. She's dependant she lives her life. Is it possible he is being abusive without realising it, just taking after his father?

Most people who are abusive don’t realise they are abusive I would say.

Especially the kind of abusers that have learned it from home.

They may think they are doing things the right way, they may think what they are doing is just them coping, they may think they need to behave that way to protect themselves or even the person they are abusing or a variety of things that give them a sense of entitlement to behave the way they do.

What you describe is childhood trauma where you dissociated to cope (a very common reaction).

You took the chance to have him take you away from that so you have a lot invested in it working out.

My BF from your age also took me away from an abusive home. It’s also very common.

IMO, like I was, your yardstick for what is a normal or acceptable way to be treated is likely to be all wrong because of your childhood. The fact you are dissociating again in relation to his behaviour tells you that it is likely his behaviour is triggering things from your childhood and you’re falling back into that old way of coping automatically.

And his dad being controlling and his mum falling into line is the same pattern he is trying to impose on you IMO.

This will weaken you.

There are many ways in which you are being very strong, though you may not realise it; leaving your family, ending the phone calls with him, setting up a home without him when everything is pulling you towards just doing anything to please him.

You can be OK, even happy, you have had a tough start but you’ll never be ok or happy if you stay in this man’s orbit.

He may trip off to Gibraltar and you may not hear from him for a while; mine went NC for a year with OW, and you may look back on that time later as the best gift he could ever have given you, as I do.