I am so scared

[Mummyanne]

Some background: Me and my partner have been together over two years. We have an 18month old baby and we used to live together but we broke up. Upon getting back together he said he didn't want to live with me yet.

It's been a while now and he's set a date to move to Spain in April. He wants to ty it for himself for a month and then me and his daughter will join him and if he doesn't like it with us there, he will tell us to come home to England.

We argue a bit about the minimal effort he makes as I suffer with depression and anxiety and other issues and he doesn't like how much I need him and the fact that I've put on weight, he says he wants the old me back. But he doesn't seem to care anymore and I'm so so scared of losing him what should I do.

Sorry OP, I didn't RTFT.
I'm sorry this has happened but honestly you're better off.
It will hurt, like fuck! You'll think your whole world has been turned around. I was with someone from 14-19 and when he left me (no child involved) I felt like my world had collapsed. He was all I knew. It was horrible. But as time went on (and it did take a lot of time) I started feeling more myself and when I looked back I was even happier than I was with him. I wasn't confident, he went out all the time, would often not come home (stayed at 'friends' or once ended up in a prison cell) and we lived at my parents house. He disrespected me and make me feel like a shit person and I expect this is how your ex made you feel.
Take some time, be sad, cry, stay in pjs all day and don't go outside. It's normal. In a few weeks you'll have more strength and be able to go longer without thinking about him.
You've got a child who no doubt is your world, and you can distract yourself making them the best little person possible, and make yourself the best person too. He is losing out on a family because he's a selfish moron and you WILL be better off without him!

This is not love, it’s obsession. What would be the point in begging him to come back? He doesn’t love you, he doesn’t want you. He tells you what you want to hear for a while, Carrie’s on doing what he wants and giving you crumbs, shags you without contraception despite not even wanting the DD he has and he is running away to the other side of Europe.

Please focus on your DD now. FNP have safeguarding duties and you are setting yourself on a track to losing care of your DD over a manchild who doesn’t even want you.

I mean, he says he loves me and I do believe him because why would he lie?

He also says he doesn't love you and wants to be friends - one of those must be untrue.

This is one of the saddest threads i’ve ever read OP.
The reason it’s so sad is that you are so young. You sound like a lovely person and i’m sure you’re a good mother. You have your whole life ahead of you.
Sadly you don’t seem to understand what a functioning relationship is. I don’t know what example your parents/other family has set you.
The following things happen in proper adult relationships....

1. you respect each other
2. you look after each other
3. you trust each other
4. you want to be with each other
5. you split childcare/household chores
6. finances are not an issue
7. you have fun together
8. the other person makes you feel like you want to be the best possible version of yourself.
9. you discuss and plan contraception/children
10. you are both faithful

You don’t have any of this. Sorry to be so blunt.
You need to check you are not already pregnant again, then walk away. Make a solid plan to get maintenance out of this dickhead from Spain and go off and do what you want to do with your life.
I’m sure you will find a relationship that fits the above criteria. In the meantime work on your self worth and self esteem. You deserve so much better.

I won't know if I'm pregnant or not yet it's only been a few days

If it’s less than 72 hours then go to a pharmacy and get the Morning after pill

It was Sunday night so just over that. I'm just so weak and cause he's being so friendly it's hard to move on just feels the same

For fucks sake, you have a child to think of here. Go to the chemists and get the morning after pill. Give your head a wobble. Your feelings are not the most important thing in this situation

Do you really want to have 2 children shackling you to this idiot? Do you really want to have to single parent 2 children?

It sounds like you do... in which case there’s not much point any of us giving you any advice....

Wishing you the best

Bigfoot. Sadly, I think you may be right. I think she wants to be pregnant again as thinks if she is he will stay, despite the mountain of evidence to the contrary.

I feel sorry for your baby daughter in all of this. She has a father that doesn't give a toss about her and a mother who is clearly unstable and needing support who is infatuated with a bloke who has very clearly said he doesn't want to be with either of you and you're both having unprotected sex.

Do you honestly want to bring another child into this mess? He doesn't even want the current child with you or to be with you.

Get your self respect up off the floor, keep your knickers on and get some help and support for you and that baby - like your Health Visitor for example.

Do not confuse love for infatuation.

Even from your first post there is so much wrong with this man/relationship He wants to ty it for himself for a month and then me and his daughter will join him and if he doesn't like it with us there, he will tell us to come home to England. I mean, come on. Get some self respect! I’ve put up with some shit in my time, but this here tells you everything you need to know about him.

Stop having sex with him, or if you must for God’s sake use contraception - he’s not going to stick around for the child he already has, another one won’t make him stay or make him love you. It’s harsh but true. He’s just not that into you. If he was he’d move heaven and earth to keep you all together as a family. It’s not what he wants and you can’t trap him into it by having another baby. Sorry

OP, are you taking any advice from people here?

Do you want to be pregnant?

If yes to the above, do you think it will make him want to be with you?

What are your plans now?

OP. Your problem is not loving him so much. Your problem is your mental health which is making you feel that way.

Anxiety and depression is horrendous and it's only natural to want to cling on to any support you get, even the little tidbits in a whole load of rubbish behaviour.

I'm not going to say don't go to Spain, I'm not going to say leave him. You aren't able to accept or understand that yet.

What I am going to say, is that you NEED to go to your GP. You have to. You are unwell and your GP can help you. There are a variety of antidepressants which can alleviate depression and anxiety. You need to do this, once the anxiety has settled back to normal levels the depersonalisation will go and the ability to make decisions clearly will come back.

I have been where you are, your situation and your mental health. When anxiety is peaking you depersonalise, nothing seems real etc. I have had two major episodes and both times sertraline has brought me back. You need help and whilst I advocate therapy, it takes much longer to help you, medication needs to be first.

This is the ONLY thing you NEED to do right now. Go to GP. Take Medication. You need to get better so you can see this situation for what it is.

Your child, ask yourself how you would feel is someone was treating your child the way this boy is treating you? What would you advise your child?

Please do go to the GP and get help OP. It will be the best decision you have ever made.

OP I agree with Colly.
You have had loads of advice here but I’m afraid it seems you can’t see the situation for what it is. See your GP asap and get some medication. It usually takes about 2 weeks to kick in. Then you may start to have some insight into your situation and you will be able to see things much more clearly.
I have had depression, post natal, and was in a mess. I took antidepressants for 8 months then came off them.Two to three weeks after starting them I felt much better and I was able to think more clearly. Please see you doctor.

No. I don't want to be pregnant but yes I am in a state where I do want him to love me and I'll go with it. Or at least I was when we had sex. It just felt normal as when we were together we had been having unprotected sex for a while. I couldn't get the morning after pill as I didn't think of it and by the time I see the message it was too late. Hopefully I am not pregnant I do just want to live in with my life. I am already on citalopram for my anxiety and depression but I think I need CBTA

All whilst this is happening I am being moved to new temporary accommodation with one room, no help and no car and I haven't even been able to get over because of the weather

OP please stop thinking that because he has sex with you that he cares about you at all!

It is, to put it crudely, free pussy - why wouldn't he want free sex? No strings (to him!)
You want him to love you, that is blindingly obvious. But he doesn;t, won't, has no intention of. He never intended you to come to Spain. He is going to be Single, free, no worries - no child-care, no responsibilities, no cares. There is nothing you can do about that.

You have all the load, unfortunately. You really need to start taking it - otherwise your poor daughter will suffer.

You handing it to him on a plate so he’s taking it.

And if you want to change your living situation, take your mind of some man who doesn’t want you and focus on working, earning money, and supporting a good life for yourself and your child who didn’t ask to be brought into this shit storm.

I'm sorry OP but your citalopram is not doin it's job, anti depressants should improve your mindset considerably, you are still highly anxious and suffering depression. You need to see that GP for either a dose increase or a change in meds.

I'm sorry but he sounds like a very horrible person. Tell him he either loves you and wants you in his life or he does not. Regardless of all this, if he's willing to move to Spain and potentially not have you live with him resulting in rarely seeing his Daughter - I just have no words for that.

Let him go and focus on yourself and your child x

when we were together we had been having unprotected sex for a while. I couldn't get the morning after pill as I didn't think of it

Sounds like you are accidentally trying to get pregnant again.

Sorry OP. I had a great deal of sympathy with you in the beginning because you were reaching out. I appreciate that life is not black and white (god knows mine isn't) but when you return to a thread and willingly inform posters that you've effectively been having unprotected sex with a man you KNOW doesn't really value you, and not just once, it smacks of deceit.

I've no wish to be unkind so I'm now hiding your thread because you know EXACTLY the ramifications of your actions and you're hoping it will push him in the direction you want him to go. You need to see your GP, you need to look after your little girl and you need to stop bleating on about 'love' and actually make a life for yourself.

I was where you are once. You are the only one who will make this better.

I think people are not really fully understanding the effect being effectively homeless with a small child to an abuser when you are in your teens can have.

I’m not particularly surprised re the unprotected sex. Yes it’s incredibly risky but I don’t know whether it says the OP is trying to get pregnant to keep him or just that he is an abuser who doesn’t care about the consequences for OP or the DC that may result.

It’s not uncommon for abusive men to want unprotected sex because they like how vulnerable a woman is when pregnant and they already know they have no intention of taking responsibility for any baby that results.

I swear I am not making excuses and I DESPERATELY want to get better and to be happy and it's only me that can change that I'm just so scared about taking the leap. I'm going to do it though I've promised myself that once I go into my new place tomorrow things are going to be different for me and more importantly for my DD x

You need to leave him behind when you move.
It happens on here. Women do get supported through the scary times. Give it a whirl. Google the Freedom Programme in your area and book yourself on to a course. You need to understand why you are so dependent upon an abuser and you need to figure out how to live for you and dd.