Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I am so scared

344 replies

Mummyanne · 17/02/2018 20:23

Some background: Me and my partner have been together over two years. We have an 18month old baby and we used to live together but we broke up. Upon getting back together he said he didn't want to live with me yet.

It's been a while now and he's set a date to move to Spain in April. He wants to ty it for himself for a month and then me and his daughter will join him and if he doesn't like it with us there, he will tell us to come home to England.

We argue a bit about the minimal effort he makes as I suffer with depression and anxiety and other issues and he doesn't like how much I need him and the fact that I've put on weight, he says he wants the old me back. But he doesn't seem to care anymore and I'm so so scared of losing him what should I do.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mummyanne · 20/02/2018 20:46

@LondonHereICome he stays once every other week. But because we're going to Spain maybe he wants to stay 3 nights as a one off to see how it goes. He has been ur daughter the week he's not staying

OP posts:
LondonHereICome · 20/02/2018 20:51

And the rest of the time?

Is he out with friends? Other women?

He's not committed to you at all.... how many other women has he got waiting for any scraps he throws them?

Original poster
Mummyanne · 20/02/2018 20:52

And not trying to make excuses but he doesn't get a lot of money himself so he's giving me what's recommended

OP posts:
gingergenius · 20/02/2018 20:56

Op you clearly won't be taking any notice of anyone telling you what you don't want to hear. So good luck with Gibraltar!

Irishtwinmumma · 20/02/2018 21:20

can’t help someone who doesn’t wanna be helped! Feel sorry for the little one tbh. Happy mummy, happy baby....

Regularsizedrudy · 20/02/2018 21:44

Why do you actually want to be with him? Please tell me what is so amazing about him that he deserves your love? Do you even know why? He sounds fucking horrible. Is that what you want to show your daughter? That someone can treat her like shit and it’s bettee than being alone?

Cabininthewoods69 · 20/02/2018 21:48

Get rid and go back near your family. You can do it and you will be better off in the long run. Might even meet someone who actually sweeps you off your feet and respects you. They do exist, I married one at the old age of 30

Original poster
Mummyanne · 21/02/2018 00:22

Because I do a lot of shit too that could ruin the relationship

I'm clingy
Insecure
I get anxious therefore needing a lot of his attention
We bicker
We didn't get to know each other too well
And I don't know what I want I'm so indecisive I get so scared he doesn't love me I'm always asking him and maybe that's why he doesn't know

Idk but I cause a lot of problems and he is rude but maybe because I'm annoying like he says idk I love him and alot of it is my fault

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 21/02/2018 01:23

Until you work on yourself none of this (or any other relationship) stands a chance.

Are you still seeing a therapist? Does your health visitor know any of this?

Original poster
Mummyanne · 21/02/2018 01:44

Yes she does but with everyone telling me to leave him I just can't because I feel it's mine and my problems faults @Nanny0gg

OP posts:
Offred · 21/02/2018 07:18

Would you want this life and a relationship like this for your DD?

Tiddlywinks63 · 21/02/2018 13:03

😳
It's like watching a car crash in slow, slooooow motion.
What happens if he decides you're not living together once you get to Gibraltar, and he hasn't got a job so you're kicked out?
It's a recipe for disaster op but you seem hellbent on going so best of luck you're definitely going to need it, sadly
You barely mention your DD, other than to say he pays the absolute minimum maintenance (I assume that'll stop once he's abroad without a job?)
What will you do if he kicks you out but says he's keeping DD?

Original poster
Mummyanne · 21/02/2018 14:36

He is looking for a job before he goes

OP posts:
Granville72 · 21/02/2018 14:40

He doesn't live with me at all
Because he doesn't want to
He was going to try and stay three nights at me week to see how we get on
But it didn't work / he hasn't bothered doing it / doesn't want to
I don't think we knew each other well but sometimes I feel we can work it but we've tried everything
And going to Gibraltar is going to change that?
we were doing stuff together and living together but it didn't work out
Exactly, so going to Gibraltar is going to change that how?
It's always me that begs him back after we break up
And there you have your answer, it's always YOU begging for more, not him

everyone, even you midwife, are giving you sound advise but I expect you will trot off after him when you get summoned and promptly get sent back when he's got bored - in about 2 weeks of you being there.

Offred · 21/02/2018 15:17

I don’t think it is that you aren’t listening is it. I think hearing all this is just adding to your anxiety because you feel so powerless in the face of your urge to chase him down and make him love you.

I do think rather than going round in circles on this thread hearing stuff, feeling anxious and going through all the reasons why you can’t/don’t want to act on it but just feeling more and more scared, you should get real life help.

Women’s aid would be really good for you IMO.

Offred · 21/02/2018 15:20

We can tell you till we are all at the point of collapse that this is a bad idea and you will listen but still be unable to act.

sodabreadjam · 21/02/2018 17:22

Going abroad isn't a way to fix a shaky relationship, OP. It is a way to test a relationship by giving a lot of extra stress.

I went abroad with my DH when we were just a bit older than you and your partner.

In a lot of ways we were better off in our relationship than you are at present - we were married and used to spending a lot of time together, DH had a job to go to and I got one within weeks of arriving. We didn't have DCs at that time.

But it was still a struggle - I found it really hard to make friends in the first year. I was homesick and missed my family and my old job. He worked shifts so we rarely saw each other. We came home after two years - if we had stayed we might have split up.

If you move abroad you will only have him - and he can't manage to stay with you for a few days at the present.

You can't solve your problems by moving abroad - you will only add to them.

StormTreader · 21/02/2018 17:37

If he loves you, why doesnt he want to live with you? Why is he saying "come out for two weeks and if you're good enough, maybe I wont send you home again", why isnt he saying "I want to live in Spain and I want you to come with me"?
Every single thing you disagree with him on, he'll say "maybe you should just go back to England then" and you'll give in so he lets you stay - you do see that, right?

GrockleBocs · 21/02/2018 17:44

I'm clingy because you are aware deep down that he doesn't love you.
Insecure don't blame you. See above
I get anxious therefore needing a lot of his attention about what? About him?
We bicker bicker or fight? Almost everyone bickers in a LTR but they resolve it without drama.
We didn't get to know each other too well and you never will because he doesn't want to.
And I don't know what I want I'm so indecisive I get so scared he doesn't love me I'm always asking him and maybe that's why he doesn't know You do know what you want but he can't or won't love you. Asking if he loves you will prove nothing. It becomes meaningless the more you ask. I can't remember ever asking DH that question. I know he does because of his actions.

Original poster
Mummyanne · 21/02/2018 20:43

I love the fact I'm getting support. I really appreciate all of your comments. But it's moments like today we're just sitting here having a little chat no arguments and it's nice

OP posts:
Original poster
Mummyanne · 25/02/2018 00:30

@Offred I guess everyone was right. My fiancé just said he thinks we should be friends.

I've just been moved out of my temp accommodation into another temp accommodation which is absolutely dreadful. The only good thing is I'm closer to family. I've been a mess lately because I lost a Baby and have been so unwell and missed two days of my anti depressants as doctors didn't have them. I'm staying with him at his parents till Monday until I can move my stuff in accommodation and he's said this but he doesn't seem bothered I'm so confused as I keep saying no we are together I won't let go and he laughs and says no we're not

OP posts:
MyRelationshipIsWeird · 25/02/2018 00:35

As hard as it is for you to let go, he’s told you where his mind/heart are at. You can’t stop him from finishing your relationship, no matter how much it hurts you to lose him.

Being closer to your family will help. You need some help to get back on your feet as a single mum, build a life for yourself and your DC. It seems awful now but with some love and support from your family, counselling or medication as you need it, you can move on Flowers

Grunkle · 25/02/2018 02:24

I keep saying no we are together I won't let go and he laughs and says no we're not

Love, please, you have to let go. You can't force him to stay and in any case he won't allow himself to be manipulated here. He's made his decision. And honestly it's the best thing for him AND you AND DD that you split. It's painfully clear that this relationship is toxic and needs to end.

Don't cling to him. You are not going to get the outcome you want here. Let him go. And lean on your family. Xx

Offred · 25/02/2018 08:32

Oh love, I don’t think anyone is happy to be right. Sad

You do need to let him go.

Original poster
Mummyanne · 25/02/2018 11:04

It's so heartbreaking he keeps saying he doesn't know whether he wants to be with me or loves me and then says he doesn't. I'm so confused. I love him so so much.

He's still going to Spain and that means barely seeing our daughter. I have to now go and live in this crap place on my own with our daughter with no support as I don't get in well with family. I know I can find a counsellor but I'm always moving around as I'm in temporary accommodation I hope to be out soon but I can't say I will as I don't know. So scared

OP posts:
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.