What do you make of this incident with dh?

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I'm going through a process of trying to work out if my dh is abusive or I'm over sensitive, I have pretty poor boundaries and various issues which I'm working on so it's often difficult for me to tell who is at fault.

I want opinions on this one off incident, without giving any background, if that's ok.

Dh was making dinner tonight and I went for a run. When I came back in he laughed at me in my running gear and said something along the lines of, never thought I'd see the day (I've taken up running fairly recently). He then asked if I was still doing an upcoming race with my sister that I'd mentioned to him. I said I was still running but my sis had to pull out because of an op she is having. He then asked what the op was for and I said "it's personal". He took offence and said "why won't you tell me? You divulge all kinds of information about your labours and post childbirth body to your friends so why won't you tell me what the op is?" I said "it's not about me though is it? It's somebody else's personal stuff, ask her if you really want to know."
He then walked off shaking his head and muttering under his breath "personal...ha!"

Thoughts?

I find it a bit strange that you don't feel you can trust him with this information unless your dsis has asked you not to divulge.

I really really don’t see any abuse in this. He asked a question, you refused to answer, he queried it and you gave your reason. Then that was it.
Non story.

Doesn't seem abusive to me, but depends on intent I suppose. Gentle ribbing re taking up running -not a big deal if he's supportive in other ways. And he's just being nosy re your sister and is vaguely put out that you effectively told him to mind his own. Not a big deal, but again depends on intent and delivery, hard to tell from what you've written.

He seems a bit intense, my experience with men in these situations is they usually don’t want to know all the details on the daily gossip and goings on. This alone isn’t abuse just a bit strange .

Not abusive bewildering you sound hard work

Seems pretty normal to me. Does he not like you talking about yourself to others?

I don't really see anything abusive in that. I suppose if he is ridiculing your running that's not very nice but if it's good-natured teasing because running is out of character for you I can't see any harm. Ditto the sister thing - if he's making a big fuss about you having knowledge he doesn't then that's a bit iffy but if he's just puzzled why you wouldn't be allowed to tell your own husband why your sister is having an operation then I think that's understandable.
I wouldn't be calling LTB just yet...

You're being sensitive. You shouldn't have said your sister was having an op if you didn't want to answer the inevitable question of what op is she having. I think my DP would think I was being weird and secretive if I said my sister was having an op but couldn't tell him what sort.

Some people are being genuinely abused and you think this is abuse?
Why didn't you just say what it was? Telling him to ask your sister directly would just be awkward and defeat the object of it being so personal surely?!

He doesn't sound very nice. This is not a pleasant interaction. Mocking you for taking up running and needling you for your sister's private health info is just weird and nasty. I'm guessing there is a lot more like this?

No abusive visible to me. Normal couple type chat. Then you being very secretive. Why mention an op if you won't say what for? Bet he didn't even care what it was for.

I think it rests on why you didn't want to tell him. From for disclosing or using personal information? He's an arse. He wants every detail of your life and you are allowed no private thoughts? Arse. DSis told you not to and he doesn't respect boundaries? Arse. Just because? Maybe not an arse.

Have you considered talking to a professional, either for yourself or as a couple? It definitely doesnt sound abusive to me, and perhaps there is something in your background that makes it harder to assess what is typical or not in a relationship.

This is not abuse. Get over yourself. Jesus Christ

Without a back story and without being there to hear tone of voice, read body language etc it's very hard to tell. Superficially it sounds like a very normal married couple bickering slightly. Hope you're ok op?

Doesnt seem abusive on its own no.... just a little ill tempered maybe about the sister stuff. Is there more context as to why you are thinking this is abusive? If this is all it is I do think you may be being over sensitive.
But bottom line is if you dont like the way he communicates and you dont want to be around him it doesnt matter if hes abusive, you still have every right to leave him if you want! Two people can just not get on and irritate each other.

Nothing he's said there sounds abusive.

Why are you trying to figure out if he's abusive? if you feel he's not treating you well, maybe you should leave him regardless of this one incident?

I don't understand why you think this is abusive. Seems like a pretty standard conversation. I like that you maintained your sister's privacy, well done you for that.

Was there a reason you didn't want to tell him?For example if it's cosmetic would he judge or do you think if it was only minor he would of judged her for pulling out ?

Nothing sounds abusive. Even laughing at you when you came in from your run, which is something my dh would do (definitely not abusive) but only because he knows how much i hate exercise.

Huh?

Nothing unusual about that conversation in the slightest

Ok thanks for replies. Seems on this occasion I'm being over sensitive. There is of course a back story but I only wanted opinions on this particular exchange.

Hogtini don't presume I don't know what genuine abuse is, thanks.

I am going against the grain here, because control is about patterns, not one- off incidents. No-one here can answer aye or nay based on the two examples you have given.

The running example - I would read it as a negative comment, not gentle ribbing. Encouragement is what you want. The comment makes a judgement about you which implies you are lazy.

The operation - it is quite reasonable to say your Dsis is having an operation and then decline on details. He does not need to know - does he want to know everything? If there are no boundaries in conversation, that can be wearing, but not necessarily abusive.

For abuse, it is about the pattern. Is he always negative to you? Are you allowed privacy? (The details of your sister’s operation are privacy relating to your family)

He might be an entitled person who is negative to you. I think you need to look at the spectrum of his behaviour and how it makes you feel, though. It is horrid to feel picked on or under scrutiny, so I understand why you are asking. But with coercive control, look at the totality, that will get you your answer.

Everyone is right, this isn't remotely abusive, in fact his reaction is fairly normal, most of us would say why wouldn't you tell me. I'd find it strange you responded with it's personal.

Agatha, if you read my op properly, I'm not asking if this single incident is abusive, I'm trying to figure out if he is abusive. Then I asked for opinions on this one incident.
Hope that helps