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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What do you make of this incident with dh?

195 replies

Ncncncncnc · 03/02/2018 21:38

I'm going through a process of trying to work out if my dh is abusive or I'm over sensitive, I have pretty poor boundaries and various issues which I'm working on so it's often difficult for me to tell who is at fault.

I want opinions on this one off incident, without giving any background, if that's ok.

Dh was making dinner tonight and I went for a run. When I came back in he laughed at me in my running gear and said something along the lines of, never thought I'd see the day (I've taken up running fairly recently). He then asked if I was still doing an upcoming race with my sister that I'd mentioned to him. I said I was still running but my sis had to pull out because of an op she is having. He then asked what the op was for and I said "it's personal". He took offence and said "why won't you tell me? You divulge all kinds of information about your labours and post childbirth body to your friends so why won't you tell me what the op is?" I said "it's not about me though is it? It's somebody else's personal stuff, ask her if you really want to know."
He then walked off shaking his head and muttering under his breath "personal...ha!"

Thoughts?

OP posts:
Original poster
Ncncncncnc · 03/02/2018 23:11

Sorry, are we in court Lash?

OP posts:
Backtoblack1 · 03/02/2018 23:12

I’m inferring that there is more going on here. Not sure why everyone is so quick to dismiss OP tonight.

Lashalicious · 03/02/2018 23:13

So you’re not going to answer the simple question—is this the worst example you can give us of your dh’s abuse? You can’t give us any other example at all, none whatsoever?

Original poster
Ncncncncnc · 03/02/2018 23:13

I chose this example because it happened tonight and it left me with a sour taste. He's meant to be changing his behaviour towards me but this just seemed like it had gone undercover, masking as in jokes and concern.

OP posts:
windchimesabotage · 03/02/2018 23:14

does it matter about 'evidence'? why are you focusing so hard on him being abusive or not? If you dont like the man and he makes you unhappy and uncomfortable in some way then just leave him. You dont need permission or an excuse to do that. You deserve to be happy.

Lashalicious · 03/02/2018 23:16

Ok, I get that. But can you not give us a past example so that we can make any sort of opinion? What you gave us certainly does not rise to the level of abuse or even subtle abuse in any way without something else to put with it. Why can’t you give a past example??

Cambionome · 03/02/2018 23:18

Has everyone missed the bit where the op says that he hates not knowing stuff about people, but when he finds anything out he is prone to using it against them?

EmyRoo · 03/02/2018 23:18

Okay so the background is that this man is controlling- then yes, I would read those incidents as you have read them NC - he has not changed, he is attempting to mask it better but the intent is the same.

Itscurtainsforyou · 03/02/2018 23:19

Honestly OP, if this is him on his best behaviour, I wouldn't like it much.
I've just started running and if my OH laughed at me in my running gear I'd tell him to bugger off - it's hurtful and unsupportive.

Also, he should respect the fact that you don't want to go into details about your sister. I'm not normally secretive but if I told my OH I didn't want to go into details he may be a bit hurt that I wasn't sharing but he wouldn't push it any further.

I think that you seem to be looking for an excuse to end things with him. You don't need an excuse, if he doesn't make you happy make the break.

Good luck

AdalindSchade · 03/02/2018 23:23

The OP doesn't need to give examples of more abusive behaviour. She knows he has been abusive in the past. Take her word for it!

bluescreen · 03/02/2018 23:24

When people ask "What do you think of this behaviour?" they may be looking for reassurance that it's perfectly normal and they're worrying about nothing, or they might be looking for validation of their feeling that something is wrong. You'd hope that in a decent relationship they could just ask. Either way, they are not feeling secure in the relationship. They may be emotionally fragile, or their partner may be an abusing controlling arse (or maybe both, and the first because of the second). It's impossible to tell without more of a picture, and even then we are getting only half.

Hand hold, Nc, because if you're a real person you may be feeling wobbly.

Lashalicious · 03/02/2018 23:26

You’re looking for a reason. Just leave him and be done with it. If you want to recruit allies to your position you will have to give us at least one example of abuse.

I agree with Cambio that if he files information away and uses it later to hurt people then that is a good example of abuse and manipulation and cruelty. Can you give us an example of him doing that?

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 03/02/2018 23:27

This questioning and unsureness of what is right and what is not was one of the reasons I made the break for good after returning the first time I left my H.

Because I just didn't have the energy or will power to give it yet another try when there was a chance that somewhere down the line I'd find out I was still being badly treated, but in a new way that it took a while to recognise.

You don't need to give a reason when you leave, OP. You know that he wouldn't accept any reason you gave, no matter how good it was, anyway.

Original poster
Ncncncncnc · 03/02/2018 23:27

Thank you bluescreen. I am pretty wobbly at the moment. I have tried to leave him twice before and ended up being almost manipulated back into the marriage - I couldn't even tell you how. This time he promised to change, is "working on himself" and I must apparently be patient with him if he cocks up again and use a "kind voice" if I need to correct him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ncncncncnc · 03/02/2018 23:30

And thank you Emy for the chart, and I think I agree with your last post. He is just masking at the moment.

OP posts:
myrtleWilson · 03/02/2018 23:30

I get it OP - and Ada has nailed it - you've experienced some abuse in relationship and now want to know whether you're viewing "normal" interactions through a prism of control etc or whether "d"H is slipping back into old ways. You've tried to pick out a recent example of where you've been left questioning - but to readers with "kind" '"normal" interactions there is no underlying current - hence the comments (some unkind in my opinion). But I guess in your head if you'd posted the past experience and then the running/Dsis op interaction you'd worry that you had framed the latest interaction as part of ongoing abusive behaviour and therefore people would judge on totality rather than his "new" behaviour...

to be honest I read it from the outset as belittling and need for information.

I know (from what you've posted) you're in a position of trying to re-set and you don't want to prejudice yourself - or your potential future relationship in some way. BUT don't lose sight of whats gone before - change has to be significant surely? And if its not then what is it?

I do hope you get through this one way or another

fuzzywuzzy · 03/02/2018 23:32

I also think your husband was being unkind and mocking.

And I would also not divulge my siblings personal medical procedures, I would say as much as you did and my DP wouldn’t ask any further.

He was being belittling & if he’s like this generally, putting you down and being rude and not respecting your boundaries. Then yes he is abusive.

If you don’t like the way he treats you (& I wouldn’t like this particular incident), and don’t want to be with him. Don’t be with him.

lottiegarbanzo · 03/02/2018 23:33

Unless he's getting help with the 'work on himself' I wouldn't place much confidence in that. Does he really have the insight, breadth of awareness and expertise to do successful 'work' on himself?

I wouldn't share someone else's medical information with anyone who couldn't be trusted to receive it kindly.

I'm not feeling kindness here.

fpurplea · 03/02/2018 23:33

The problem is OP, you want answers without context, but context is everything. You might as well ask, "Does the dress I'm wearing now suit me?" or "Should I have seafood paella for dinner?" We don't know.

I see nothing remotely abusive in this particular exchange projecting onto my own situation. My husband would likely be a lot meaner about the running thing, but in the context of our relationship that's fine, we rip the piss out of each other All. The. Time. He'd also probably get huffy about not being told stuff, he doesn't like knowing half of things, and we're both pretty nosey anyway.

But this is all irrelevant, it's not my situation, it's yours. Without any context, all you're going to get is people projecting their own experiences onto yours, and that is not going to give you any answers worth the electrons they disturb being posted.

Original poster
Ncncncncnc · 03/02/2018 23:34

Yes myrtle! Thank you for saying what I couldn't seem to express!

OP posts:
LEMtheoriginal · 03/02/2018 23:45

The thing is from your OP there is clearly background.

The running comments - something my Dp would do as I would him . From my Dp I would take that as a bit of reverse psych encouragement. We both run but for reasons we are not doing it just now and we are getting to a stage where we should really puck up again. But I don't know your dh maybe he was being spiteful and undermining - genuinely can't call it.

The sister thing - well you clearly are not comfortable sharing that info with him. I would tell my Dp because I trust him to be discrete and respectful. If he were less "like this" would you be more inclined to talk to him?

From what I garnered from your subsequent posts he is supposed to be trying to mend bridges - either you are not receptive because of previous events or he isn't trying.

Sadly I don't think your relationship is in a good place. I can see why posters gave been harsh though as I said if those exchanges were between myself and do it really would be a non issue

TheCowWentMoo · 03/02/2018 23:45

I don't think theres anything wrong or abnormal with this interaction at all. My dp would tease me in my running gear and I would him, theres nothing mean or unsupportive about that. And generally we would share siblings medical info with each other unless we had been asked not to. It seems a very normal interaction.

I think however that you don't seem to like your dh very much, you clearly want this to be a sign of abuse and maybe it is if there is a pattern. On it's own this seem entirely normal but there s obviously been other incidents if you are even considering this as abuse? But we can't say that without knowing his past behaviour. If you are considering leaving him ok, you can just leave you don't need a reason other than your happiness. You don't need to sir around waiting for him to be abusive to you, or fall back into his old ways.

Original poster
Ncncncncnc · 03/02/2018 23:55

You've all given me lots to think about, thank you. Will sleep on it.

OP posts:
SkaterGrrrrl · 04/02/2018 00:08

The conversation you have described does not sound abusive.

Dramlass · 04/02/2018 00:20

The comment in your op doesn't seem abusive alone. He just sound like a right dick. Your sister is entitled to some privacy and any normal person would understand that.