Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What do you make of this incident with dh?

195 replies

Ncncncncnc · 03/02/2018 21:38

I'm going through a process of trying to work out if my dh is abusive or I'm over sensitive, I have pretty poor boundaries and various issues which I'm working on so it's often difficult for me to tell who is at fault.

I want opinions on this one off incident, without giving any background, if that's ok.

Dh was making dinner tonight and I went for a run. When I came back in he laughed at me in my running gear and said something along the lines of, never thought I'd see the day (I've taken up running fairly recently). He then asked if I was still doing an upcoming race with my sister that I'd mentioned to him. I said I was still running but my sis had to pull out because of an op she is having. He then asked what the op was for and I said "it's personal". He took offence and said "why won't you tell me? You divulge all kinds of information about your labours and post childbirth body to your friends so why won't you tell me what the op is?" I said "it's not about me though is it? It's somebody else's personal stuff, ask her if you really want to know."
He then walked off shaking his head and muttering under his breath "personal...ha!"

Thoughts?

OP posts:
RedDogsBeg · 03/02/2018 22:21

I find it a bit odd that he so desperately wanted to know about your sister's operation, why does he need to know? If your sister doesn't want him to know then that's her call, it's her business and your reply that's it's personal and she doesn't want you to share the details should have been enough. Your sister is entitled to her privacy and who she shares her medical history with and if your husband is not on the list that's it.

It does sound as if it is in itself indicative of a lot more going on.

NSEA · 03/02/2018 22:23

I think it speaks volumes you don’t trust him enough to share the details of your sister op.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 03/02/2018 22:24

Although I don't see anything abusive in the example you have given I do think you are getting an uncalled for hard time here.

Can you tell us a bit more about your relationship? Is he generally supportive?

lottiegarbanzo · 03/02/2018 22:25

But I really think you should keep talking here. I'm completely inexpert on these issues. But, what I've noticed when reading posts by abusive relationships is that it's often the incidental things that give it away.

They start by asking about something that doesn't seem so odd on its own. Then mention in passing something that to them is normal and everyone else says 'hang on, what? Can we just go back to that?' And they're surprised that's not normal and from there it all emerges.

Mrsmadevans · 03/02/2018 22:26

I don't know tbh . You want us to judge on this one incident . Ok then no he doesn't come across as being abusive . You come across as hard work tbh. I don't think you have conveyed the incident very well.

Original poster
Ncncncncnc · 03/02/2018 22:27

Would people really divulge details about their sibling's medical needs to their partners? I would be horrified if this were reversed and my sis told her dh the details of this extremely personal op Shock And yes it is gynaecological (isn't that obvious from the use of the word personal in this context?)

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 03/02/2018 22:28

Lottie. What are you doing? Feeding her insecurities? You know fine well this is normal. Unless she posts a wider context stop playing to it and making this something it's not.

It's not a game, she's a real person. So stop it, it's cruel.

EmyRoo · 03/02/2018 22:28

Hi again,

Sorry, DS needed me, so I could have been clearer. What I meant is that one incident on its own might not seem that bad, but what you live with is the totality of your husband’s behaviour, not just the two incidents you describe. (By you have your answer, I meant to the question of whether the behaviour is abusive)

The chart I found best to illustrate it is here

Looking at it, while the incidents seem minor, you have degradation (putting you down with the running comment) and monopoly of perception (though it is more like he wants to know everything, no privacy like I said before, it is still about his need to know, not your sister’s well-being).

Go through the chart and see if the incidents in your back story fit. That is what I mean by a pattern. There is the Duluth wheel of power and control as well, but I think this one is good because it explains how it works - and I found it easier to understand what was happening to me.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 03/02/2018 22:30

Would people really divulge details about their sibling's medical needs to their partners?

I would, yes and I know dp would too, to us that would be 'normal'.

Series28 · 03/02/2018 22:31

This would be a totally ordinary daily exchange between me and my dh, except I would of told him what op my sister was having.
My Dh playfully mocks me when I try to cook for example, not insults just makes a jokes but then like your Dh did will follow with support or interest in my efforts, he also like your DH has an interest and concern for my family.
Are there worse incidents than this, or is the sort of thing that your worried about being abusive? From your desciption of the incident alone I would say you were in a healthy relationship but from your reaction it is clear that you are not and without further details we cannot say whose fault this is, if your not happy you need to leave.
Also did your sister specifically ask you not to tell anyone about her op? In which case why did you mention she was having an op and why would you tell him to ask her himself if you knew it was something personal and uncomfortable for her?

bananafish · 03/02/2018 22:32

Even highly abused people can tell when something is "normal" or when they are in danger

That's not even vaguely true. I suppose if you assume abuse is just being beaten? But even, then, that's not the case.

It is difficult if you're trying to work out boundaries, because it is not automatic to you. It's taken me years and a lot of therapy to put my boundaries in place.

It sounds unpleasant to me, but I wouldn't want anyone to take the piss out of me trying to do something new. I would expect support, not ridicule. That's a boundary, right there.

Again - if he's pushing you to disclose information by insinuating that you're being ridiculous by keeping quiet? That's crap as well.

But is it part of a wider pattern?

I think that you questioning everything and trying to work out what's going on is a bit of a red flag.

Are you unhappy - does it feel as though you shouldn't be? Can you not work out why, but it doesn't feel good? What do you think the reason for that is?

You don't have to answer me, but they're questions you should ask yourself...

londonrach · 03/02/2018 22:34

Why didnt you answer the question about your sisters op. Thats abit strange. No abuse in his comments (which are normal to your comment) but question if you should be with someone you dont share information with.

AdalindSchade · 03/02/2018 22:35

Such a weird thread. This interaction ISN'T normal. He was mean then he was intrusive and controlling. Why the hell should she tell him what her sister is having done? If I tell my mum I'm having a cervical cauterisation I don't expect her to tell my dad and brother.
And OBVIOUSLY there is more to it than the incident in the op. She wouldn't be asking otherwise.

changemyname1 · 03/02/2018 22:35

OP you seem to be desperately clinking to posters that say it may be abusive. The snap shot you gave isn't remotely abusive reading it as a conversation between to adults.

Would people really divulge details about their sibling's medical needs to their partners

Mine wouldn't need to ask as I would already have told him.

ALLIS0N · 03/02/2018 22:35

Well I think he sounds a bit mean.

Laughing at you in your running gear isn’t kind. Most beginner runners feel a bit self conscious and need encouragement, not jokes.

And I think most men would realise that your comment about the op being “ personal “ meant it was gynaecological and would shut up. Why on earth would he want to know that about one of your female relatives? It’s odd, most men want to avoid that kind of subject.

But I’m sure you are asking MN if it’s abusive for a good reason, so I’m wondering what other things are concerning you about how your husband treats you ?

CotswoldStrife · 03/02/2018 22:36

Yes, I think most people would divulge whatever their sibling was going through because their partner would be close to their partner's family too.

AgentProvocateur · 03/02/2018 22:36

Yes, I would “divulge” details of my sister’s op to my DH, and she would “divulge” details of mine to hers. I wouldn’t see it as divulging. If I didn’t want her DH to know, I wouldn’t tell her the details either. Keeping family secrets from your DH is weird behaviour.

lottiegarbanzo · 03/02/2018 22:37

No Bluntness, it read to me the way I described it. It's impossible to tell tone from the written word but I am really surprised that so many people, presumably interpolating a 'kind DH' into the picture, are saying the exchange was fine.

It's not clear to me that it was, or that it wasn't. So I think if she keeps on talking, a clearer picture is likely to emerge.

I am concerned that if everyone insists it was fine, when perhaps it wasn't, she may feel discouraged from sharing further thoughts and questions here. I think talking is the responsible thing to do.

RedDogsBeg · 03/02/2018 22:37

No I would not share personal medical details of my family or friends with anyone they didn't want me to, I would respect their privacy, however, so would my husband he would not badger me or expect details if I said I couldn't give them and the same would apply in reverse with his family and friends. Likewise, I would not discuss details of my husband's medical issues with people unless he had told me I could and he would do the same for me.

AdalindSchade · 03/02/2018 22:37

Most people have weird boundaries then Confused
If I tell one person about a gynaecological procedure I'm having I don't expect them to tell anyone else, even if they happen to be married to them.

LIZS · 03/02/2018 22:37

No if it was genuinely out of privacy fair enough. If you had merely been deliberately awkward it might suggest a battle of control between you.

FlashTheSloth · 03/02/2018 22:37

I wouldn't be impressed if I knew my siblings would automatically share personal information about me to their partners. Confiding in a sibling does not mean you expect them to then pass it on to their partner. My sister told me she had an abortion years ago, I haven't shared that with DH, even our brothers don't know so why should DH know.

OP, I would not class that one thing as abuse. But it very much sounds like he does NOT like you telling him that you have information you are not willing to divulge to him, which rings alarm bells. Any decent man would leave it when you said it was personal to your sister. The comment about you running seems an attempt to demean you as well. Does he like you having a hobby? Or is he hoping if he picks away at you, you will give it up?

AdalindSchade · 03/02/2018 22:38

Keeping family secrets from your DH is weird behaviour

Someone else's intimate medical treatment isn't a 'family secret' Hmm

Series28 · 03/02/2018 22:39

If my sister had asked me to not tell anyone about something, then no maybe I wouldnt tell DH but I would know I could if I needed to. However if I had decided to keep it secret for my sister it would be very foolish and actually cruel to mention part of it and suggest he goes and asks her about it himself, for both of them.
From your posts though it seems your sister didnt ask you not to tell anyone? but just dont want to tell him, because its 'personal' or 'not your place to tell' or whatever.

AgentProvocateur · 03/02/2018 22:40

Well, the OP seems to think it’s a secret. Otherwise she would tell her husband. Hmm