hadthesnip I suspect you and the OP’s husband would get on like a house on fire.
To be clear, I am writing from the basis that you have been in what you see as abusive with this man in the past. I do not believe after ten years of similar, that they change. The modus operandi changes, but not the person, and I also believe it will slip back to more obvious - and he has already set this up to be your fault by saying you need to gently correct him. Well, no - he is a responsible adult, what is he doing to improve?
CharlotteCollins I hope you are doing well; I remember your situation from older threads. nc I think CharlotteCollins is right that the constant guessing wears you down - I also think it is partly how it works because you are never sure of the ground you stand on. Exhausting.
nc i am just going to dig out one of the EA support threads - they have not run for a good while but there are lots of links in the OP which you might find useful.
The point about leaving, I understand this. I used to say it was a process, not an event. It takes many tries. In the end I had to (metaphorically) don my hard hat and simply walk on through. We are still not divorced (we are in a jurisdiction where childcare arrangements need to be sorted first and surprise, surprise, these cannot be agreed, even much mediation and several court hearings later). He still calls me his wife. I am not his wife in any meaningful sense, what he means is he still has the right (in his mind) to denigrate and devalue what I do and try to bring me to heel.
Anyway, my experiences aside, is this the marriage you want to be in? Do you feel like his wife in a meaningful sense? I wonder if the running is just something you have started to do for yourself, hence he feels threatened by it and wants to devalue your positive steps. But then, as someone said to me, several years ago, on here, you don’t need his -or our - permission to leave.