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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What do you make of this incident with dh?

195 replies

Ncncncncnc · 03/02/2018 21:38

I'm going through a process of trying to work out if my dh is abusive or I'm over sensitive, I have pretty poor boundaries and various issues which I'm working on so it's often difficult for me to tell who is at fault.

I want opinions on this one off incident, without giving any background, if that's ok.

Dh was making dinner tonight and I went for a run. When I came back in he laughed at me in my running gear and said something along the lines of, never thought I'd see the day (I've taken up running fairly recently). He then asked if I was still doing an upcoming race with my sister that I'd mentioned to him. I said I was still running but my sis had to pull out because of an op she is having. He then asked what the op was for and I said "it's personal". He took offence and said "why won't you tell me? You divulge all kinds of information about your labours and post childbirth body to your friends so why won't you tell me what the op is?" I said "it's not about me though is it? It's somebody else's personal stuff, ask her if you really want to know."
He then walked off shaking his head and muttering under his breath "personal...ha!"

Thoughts?

OP posts:
MagnaWiles · 03/02/2018 21:59

What makes you feel as if it might be abusive, OP?

Like others, it doesn't set off any alarm bells here -- but you must be asking for a reason.

Original poster
Ncncncncnc · 03/02/2018 22:03

EmyRoo has it right, there is a general pattern of control, not being allowed privacy etc. And to the pp who asked if there is something in my background which makes it harder to assess what is ok in a relationship, yes there is. Which is why I'm trying to work out which bits are acceptable and which bits aren't.

EmyRoo what did you mean by "But with coercive control, look at the totality, that will get you your answer"?

OP posts:
princesssparkle1 · 03/02/2018 22:04

Weird example to give if you want to know if we think that he is generally abusive .

  1. Couldn't comment on his general abusive tendencies from this incident because
  1. He isn't abusive in this one incident which you have chosen to provide.
Farmerswife36 · 03/02/2018 22:07

Very odd you wouldn't just tell him ! YABU and re reading your post only confirms to me how weird it is you wouldn't tell your dh

Original poster
Ncncncncnc · 03/02/2018 22:09

Was my op really that unclear?
I am trying to figure out (generally in life, not on this post) if dh is abusive.
I am using this post to see what people make of this one incident.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 03/02/2018 22:11

Ok, I'd agree with the pp who said if you wished to know if he was abusive why did you not post an abusive incident and not something thay is a fairly normal interaction?

Original poster
Ncncncncnc · 03/02/2018 22:12

Because I didn't know if it was a normal interaction. Hence the post.

OP posts:
BadHatter · 03/02/2018 22:12

Get yourself some therapy Hmm

Missingstreetlife · 03/02/2018 22:12

I had an ice cream earlier (&/or) a carrot.
Trying to work out if I have a healthy diet

ICanStandtheHeat · 03/02/2018 22:13

Your being very sensitive. It wasn't laughing at you, I'm sure he was proud of you and acknowledging your running. Then he showed further interest and you can't trust him to say anything.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 03/02/2018 22:14

It’s all context though. People saying it’s not abusive are either imagining their loving husbands or are being abused themselves. Abuse isn’t a solitary action. It sounds like he is abusive, but you’re worried you’re over reacting. If this was an isolated incident, even if said horribly, it wouldn’t be abusive, just nasty, but as part of an ongoing atmosphere, yes, it adds to the general abusive situation you are in.

I don’t know why this one off incident matters so much to you, but don’t downplay it.

If you’re unhappy, you don’t have to stay married. You don’t have to justify leaving, not to him or anyone else. I know it’s easier to leave if you can peg it on something (he had an affair, he hits me, he’s verbally abusive, he’s does drugs...whatever) but it just takes a bit more courage and you can leave, simply because you’re unhappy 💐

AgathaRaisonDetra · 03/02/2018 22:14
Biscuit
Original poster
Ncncncncnc · 03/02/2018 22:15

Thank you Annie. Was starting to think I'd accidentally wandered into AIBU..

OP posts:
LIZS · 03/02/2018 22:15

Did you not tell him out of confidentiality or were you being deliberately evasive?

lottiegarbanzo · 03/02/2018 22:16

It sounds like a snarky, unpleasant exchange.

Mocking you in your running gear is really unkind. A nice person would be supportive. Could be an 'off' attempt at humour but doesn't sound that way.

That opening makes the rest sound a bit like an interrogation from a position of unkindness - which puts a very different slant on the actual words.

I really think that most people would have accepted 'it's personal' and moved on. Demanding personal information about your sister sounds really odd to me. I'm surprised other people aren't reading it that way.

Of course, if you had a kind, supportive relationship and he was thoughtful and concerned about your sister, you might naturally tell him. He'd make sympathetic noises and be tactful about whether mentioning anything to her was appropriate.

But, starting by mocking you, then moving on to demand personal details about your sister just sounds like someone looking for opportunities to put people down or feel powerful over them, to me.

PeanuttyButter · 03/02/2018 22:16

I don’t see anything wrong with this interaction to be honest. If I didn’t want my husband to ask about my sister because something is private or she asked me not to, I would omit that part out.

sallyarmy1 · 03/02/2018 22:16

This is far more than a 'non story' though isn't it?

Does every single conversation have to subjected to the scrutiny of other's?

WUT.

LizardMonitor · 03/02/2018 22:17

I agree that if your sister considers her op (or anything else) to be 'personal' or private, then you shouldn't talk about it, even with your DH. However, it is best not to mention it at all. It is quite natural for your DH to enquire after his SIL, surely? You were sort of saying to him "something is going on, but I am not going to tell YOU".

Talk about your running gear: hard to tell. Not abusive, he wasn't trying to stop you running, different people have different levels of sensitivity about commenting on other people's look. Most of us know we don't look our best when wet and sweaty, so would just laugh.

I haven't detected anything abusive about him in the exchange.

bluescreen · 03/02/2018 22:17

Sorry, this is the most informative sentence of the whole OP:

I want opinions on this one off incident, without giving any background, if that's ok.

because it's never one off. Context is all.

Original poster
Ncncncncnc · 03/02/2018 22:17

The op is personal (don't know a better word), it's not like knee surgery or something. Why should I tell him, it's not mine to tell?

OP posts:
boringornot · 03/02/2018 22:18

Your DH sounds a bit of an idiot from the snapshot you gave us.

But if he's lovely most of the time, then he's not abusive. If he's a dick most of the time, then he may be.

I am a person who is oversensitive to criticism. Sometimes DH criticizes me and I go through the roof. Then 2 or 3 unrelated persons say the same thing, and I figure DH might have a point.

It's very hard to assess this kind of thing. Try to talk about sensitive topics with friends and family, and hear what they have to say. It may help you evaluate the situation.

lottiegarbanzo · 03/02/2018 22:18

But... a lot of that is about the voice and image I've ascribed to him. The crucial question is whether he is generally a kind person, or generally a mean-spirited one who likes putting others down?

SandyY2K · 03/02/2018 22:19

This one incident doesn't seem abusive. I don't like him mocking you running though.

Now if my DH said his brother was having an op...I'd probably ask the nature...if he refused in the manner you did...I'd assume it was perhaps an op on his privates or something...so I'd leave it at that.

If my sis was having a gynaecological OP...she may not want it divulged...as such I would not tell anyone..including my DH.

Bluntness100 · 03/02/2018 22:19

Because I didn't know if it was a normal interaction. Hence the post

Then yes this is normal. Why can you not tell a normal interaction any more? What is the back story? Even highly abused people can tell when something is "normal" or when they are in danger,

Was he shouting at you? Pointing at you and laughing? Why is this incident the one you want people to look at?

Original poster
Ncncncncnc · 03/02/2018 22:21

Lottie your last sentence is exactly how it feels:
"But, starting by mocking you, then moving on to demand personal details about your sister just sounds like someone looking for opportunities to put people down or feel powerful over them, to me."
I'm not so good at evaluating a situation and expressing how I feel about it but this is nail on head.

OP posts:
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