Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What do you make of this incident with dh?

195 replies

Ncncncncnc · 03/02/2018 21:38

I'm going through a process of trying to work out if my dh is abusive or I'm over sensitive, I have pretty poor boundaries and various issues which I'm working on so it's often difficult for me to tell who is at fault.

I want opinions on this one off incident, without giving any background, if that's ok.

Dh was making dinner tonight and I went for a run. When I came back in he laughed at me in my running gear and said something along the lines of, never thought I'd see the day (I've taken up running fairly recently). He then asked if I was still doing an upcoming race with my sister that I'd mentioned to him. I said I was still running but my sis had to pull out because of an op she is having. He then asked what the op was for and I said "it's personal". He took offence and said "why won't you tell me? You divulge all kinds of information about your labours and post childbirth body to your friends so why won't you tell me what the op is?" I said "it's not about me though is it? It's somebody else's personal stuff, ask her if you really want to know."
He then walked off shaking his head and muttering under his breath "personal...ha!"

Thoughts?

OP posts:
Fintress · 03/02/2018 22:45

My husband laughs at me in my running gear, he says I look like a ninja because I'm usually all in black before I put on my neon jacket. I just laugh and do a karate kick. I really cannot see anything abusive about your conversation. However no-one here knows in what tone it was said.

biscuitmillionaire · 03/02/2018 22:46

My opinion on this one incident is, that laughing at you in your running gear is undermining you in something he should be supporting you in, and makes him seem unpleasant. Not being prepared to drop the question of your sister's operation makes him seem a bit of an arsehole.

In the end, does it matter if he's 'abusive' or just a bit of an arsehole who doesn't make you happy? If he doesn't make you happy, then you aren't obliged to stay with him.

Some of the previous posts on this thread have been mean-spirited.

Original poster
Ncncncncnc · 03/02/2018 22:47

I accept that I may be over sensitive over the running thing in particular. My dh wasn't asking about the op out of concern though, he is not close with my sis at all. He really dislikes not knowing things and is prone to a bit of using information against people.

Yes of course, huge back story, this is supposedly him on his best behaviour effectively trying to win me back.

OP posts:
RB68 · 03/02/2018 22:47

I would just say that if your sister is a v private person and it was something like a cone biopsy following a dodgy smear then you were right to say what you did - he doesn't have the right to know everything about her insides or personal illnesses. I hate this belief that its all fair game if you are family or married into the family - I wouldn't nec want my BIL knowing stuff or even my brothers to be honest.

Next time don't let on you know just say something personal - not sure what she didn't say except to say all was well.

Original poster
Ncncncncnc · 03/02/2018 22:50

He asked about the race, I said she'd pulled out, he laughed (I actually think this bit was mean too, it was almost like he was laughing because he never thought we'd actually go through with the race) and asked why, I mentioned the op.

OP posts:
LizardMonitor · 03/02/2018 22:54

Well, I read it all in the tone in which it would happen in our house, and it was fine.

But then it can also be read in a way that is belittling, and intrusive.

You were there, you know if it fits a pattern and if you are uncomfortable with that pattern.

theftbyfinding · 03/02/2018 22:55

Well I think if you analyse any conversation to the nth degree you could find something to moan about frankly. Here was a dh making dinner while you take time for your hobby. He makes conversation and shows an interest and you are wondering if it's normal? And muttering 'personal' under his breath is not abusive or coercive.

Series28 · 03/02/2018 22:57

So your sister didnt want you to tell anyone or you just didnt want to tell him?

princesssparkle1 · 03/02/2018 22:57

Because I didn't know if it was a normal interaction. Hence the post.

Ok

So.... a generally normal interaction might be

' yeah so my sister is having a hysterectomy '
Unless she's having a coil fitted. And then you wouldn't say the hysterectomy bit 😂

Lashalicious · 03/02/2018 22:59

Is that the worst example you have of his “abuse”?

Why did you pick this example when it doesn’t show any abuse??

Also, the way you wouldn’t tell him about your sister’s operation. It sounded like you didn’t consider him close enough to you to tell him and he picked up on that. Why couldn’t you be a little specific like you just did with all of us random strangers and say it was gynecological. Instead you clam up, say it’s personal and ask her yourself. ??

Why is he trying to win you back? Did you leave him because he has a history of trying to have conversations with you? Do you also hide your grocery lists from him as they are “too personal”? I’m sorry, but is that your best example of his so called abuse?

AnyFucker · 03/02/2018 22:59

On that one incident, I would say that both of you didn't like each other much at all

MexicanBob · 03/02/2018 23:00

The only thing I find unusual in the exchange is your refusal to give details of your sister's operation. In answer to your later question "Yes, it is normal for people to give details of their sibling's health to their partners." That's my experience anyway.

Original poster
Ncncncncnc · 03/02/2018 23:01

Thanks for the questions bananafish, they were useful. It is part of a wider pattern, and I am unhappy, and I suppose really that's all that matters.

OP posts:
isittimetogotobed · 03/02/2018 23:01

If you are questioning coercive control or abuse in your relationship then there is already an issue.
This one off exchange doesn't evidence it bit your general feelings of concern do

There are checklist on line you can look at but I think if you are unhappy with how you are being treated or spoken to/ with then your feelings are value and people shouldn't belittle them.

Original poster
Ncncncncnc · 03/02/2018 23:03

Lashalicious I think your last paragraph is totally uncalled for. Are you trying to be funny?
I'm not trying to score points of who has the most abusive dh. I was seeking opinions on this one exchange.

OP posts:
FlibFlabFlob · 03/02/2018 23:03

You've said in subsequent posts that DH's behaviour is really unpleasant, so if you already know what he is like then this one incident hardly seems relevant. I think you need to decide if you're going to put up with it or LTB.

Lashalicious · 03/02/2018 23:04

Can you give an example of this wider pattern? Because the one you gave us makes you look weird, not him.

AdalindSchade · 03/02/2018 23:04

I get it.
He's behaved a lot worse in the past. He's trying to demonstrate that he's changed and won't treat you badly but you are still getting the sense that he's being snide and controlling. You're not sure if you're over reacting because it's not as bad as it was. Am I right?

Once you have been abused in a relationship you will always be on guard for the next bout. And once you have abused your partner you are pretty much guaranteed to do it again.

Original poster
Ncncncncnc · 03/02/2018 23:06

Exactly, Adalind.

OP posts:
StaplesCorner · 03/02/2018 23:08

OP you are on a hiding to nothing here - it could be AIBU for all the support you are getting. I think you chose the wrong example. Either elaborate now, give us the entire history, or quick name change and start a new thread tomorrow, tell us what this man is really like and let's see. I am convinced my DH is abusive but this is what scares me, what if I typed it all out, or even one incident as you have done, and everyone says not, not only is he not abusive YOU are the one at fault? And it would be here I'd have to ask, because in RL I am getting mixed messages from friends and family (he's SUCH a nice bloke ...)

So tell your story OP.

Sophia1984 · 03/02/2018 23:08

I had to double check this wasn’t in AIBU. Why is everyone being so awful? One of the big impacts of emotional abuse is that it makes you second guess everything and not know what’s ‘normal’ in a relationship, hence the post. OP- as others have said, it’s a case and f whether you’re unhappy or not. His behaviour does want have to pass a test for you to be justified in leaving. To me, what he said does sound belittling x

springtulip · 03/02/2018 23:08

My DH went far worse OP, he told me i'd probably drop dead if i went running, because i'm unfit. Such a charmer that he is.

Original poster
Ncncncncnc · 03/02/2018 23:09

I suppose I didn't know how to articulate it but that is exactly the situation. And I wanted to know if I should just let these little petty things slide or if it amounts to evidence that he hasn't really changed at all.

OP posts:
Lashalicious · 03/02/2018 23:09

Hold on. I never said anything about who has the most abusive dh. As far as I know, no one is comparing husbands, abusive or otherwise. You spun that to take the attention off what I did say, which is, is that the worst example you have of your dh abusing you?

If it is, then what you’re saying makes no sense. If not, then give us an example that backs up what you’re accusing your dh of.

I just read Ada’s post and it makes a lot of sense but you’d have to point to something other than this one benign example. Do you have any at all?

jaimelannistersgoldenhand · 03/02/2018 23:10

The running comment - think I'd need to witness that one to answer if it's mean or not. I'm personally an unlikely candidate for running so if you knew me, you'd laugh or tease me for running too.

The operation comment - strange that you mentioned the operation but didn't even give a vague answer like it's gynaecological (most men wouldn't ask for further info), something minor or lie that you weren't sure. Most people would think Hmm if told about the op but not even told if it's something serious or minor.