What do you make of this incident with dh?

[Ncncncncnc]

I'm going through a process of trying to work out if my dh is abusive or I'm over sensitive, I have pretty poor boundaries and various issues which I'm working on so it's often difficult for me to tell who is at fault.

I want opinions on this one off incident, without giving any background, if that's ok.

Dh was making dinner tonight and I went for a run. When I came back in he laughed at me in my running gear and said something along the lines of, never thought I'd see the day (I've taken up running fairly recently). He then asked if I was still doing an upcoming race with my sister that I'd mentioned to him. I said I was still running but my sis had to pull out because of an op she is having. He then asked what the op was for and I said "it's personal". He took offence and said "why won't you tell me? You divulge all kinds of information about your labours and post childbirth body to your friends so why won't you tell me what the op is?" I said "it's not about me though is it? It's somebody else's personal stuff, ask her if you really want to know."
He then walked off shaking his head and muttering under his breath "personal...ha!"

Thoughts?

I didn't expect to be called hard work and to be told to get over myself!

Some people have very little life experience, empathy, imagination, or all three. Don’t let these people make you second guess yourself.

God the mumsnet thickos are out in force today.

For future reference- if you come across a long thread, scan it for updates and nuance before you throw in your two cents. Chances are what you are saying has either already been said or is no longer applicable

Francine, a lot of what you've said makes sense, but you seem to be looking at this from the point of view of someone who has strong boundaries and hasn't been in an unhealthy relationship. (Apologies if I'm wrong).

I would say (and I've just come out of a similar sounding relationship), that when you've spent years being undermined and gaslighted, it becomes incredibly hard to make the sort of comment that you've suggested. You spend so much time trying to second guess everything, that you end up not knowing which way is up.

I also completely agree with OutsSelf and Stoic about some of the responses on here.

Why not just say. "Could you please be more considerate before passing comments on my running attire. I would appreciate it if you could give me some encouragement. Also, my sister has asked me not to share details of her medical procedure. As you can probably imagine it could cause her embarrassment so she has asked me to respect her privacy"

I suspect that at some point it was tried and met with ridicule or other sorts of put downs. One thing that strikes me about the OP is the he clearly doesn't care how Ncncncncnc feels about anything. I think that part of the reason that women in some relationships stop trying to stand up for themselves is because when they do, it makes things worse.

I also suspect that when an abusive man is trying to make a relationship work, he changes his tactics a bit and is more subtle. It's still a shitty way to live, but it is harder to put your finger on what is wrong because he gets better at it.

The book "Why Does He Do That" says that often in abusive/controlling relationships, the woman feels like she's been messed with after a fight, but can't quite figure out how.

As far as anyone thinking this is normal banter in a marriage, it's only OK to jokingly put your partner down if you both have equal power to put the other down. If one puts the other down but would take offense to the same sort of "humor" being aimed at them, it's about power and control.

That one exchange sounds quite normal, it’s actually the fact that you don’t tell him what the operation is that’s a bit strange, after having mentioned it.

You’ve given one example to ask if he’s abusive and most have said no not based on that. Then you’re saying oh but he is cos there’s a huge back story..so you could have given an outline on that back story.

I don’t really understand any of this but what’s clear is you shouldn’t be with him he’s not making you happy.

Personally I think he is a fuckwit.
With a strap on

Op there have been a lot of unpleasant replies on here. I think the issue is that you can't take this one exchange in isolation of how your relationship has been previously.

Personally I would be unhappy if my DH made negative comments about me doing fitness, and I don't think he would. He'd be proud I was making an effort to improve my fitness. But it doesn't really matter about my opinion because the dynamics of every relationship are different.

Similarly a pp said that wanting to know the details of your DSis op is intrusive and about control. I would agree given your update about him using information to use against people. I wouldn't discuss any of my siblings intimate medical details with my DH, not would he ask for details. It would be sufficient to say 'oh, it's gynae,' or 'she probably wouldn't want me to discuss the details'.

It seems as if you are waiting for him to be abusive again to give you the permission you think you need to leave. If you don't think you'll ever regain the trust that had been lost, it's ok to just say it's not going to work and call a day on it. Even if he is on his best behaviour.

Totally normal conversation. I would have told him what the op was and he would have told me. We're not strangers.

“ I would have told him what the op was”

Why? Not your op.

Agrees Bertrand the amount of posters who would blithely share details of someone else's medical history regardless of whether the person wants them too is strange, do they have no concept of respecting someone's privacy?

I'm certainly going to stop talking to some of my friends about personal things. Because it's quite clear a lot of people don't understand basic privacy.

It's really fucked up. You don't need to tell your husbands everything

Between this thread and the other one about telling your dp everything, I'm dismayed to know that possibly everything I've told my closest female friends and relatives has been passed on to their partners because "we are soulmates and have no secrets" Wtaf?!!

He then asked what the op was for and I said "it's personal".

I've RTFT and whilst we don't have details of how he is abusive, I do agree he sounds unpleasant. But if I asked my DH what op his sibling was having and he just 'it's personal' or 'ask her yourself', I would be a bit hurt. If he said 'Sorry, love, it's not my place to talk about it', I would be happy with that.

As AF said, it does come across that you don't talk like eachother.

I wouldn’t have told him what the op was and he wouldn’t dream of pressing if he had any inkling it was personal. Personal means just that.
I assume that anything I tell a friend will be shared potentially with a partner and sometimes I’m happy with that - I had a recent miscarriage and was more than OK with not having to let absolutely everyone know. If I really wasn’t I’d probably not tell them. However if a friend told me something and requested I didn’t tell dh I certainly wouldn’t (unless it impacted us directly.)

Privacy is really important. It’s intrinsically linked to dignity and boundaries,

In a healthy relationship feelings are expressed. If one partner tries to turn blame around on the other, that’s not healthy at all - the ultimate end of that is ‘look what you made me do’ but it starts more subtly. It starts with these huffy outbursts. Abusive emotional stuff can be things like making you doubt yourself, constant belittling, turning queries round (his kind voice remark) so that its your fault. That’s no way to live is it? I would t want to live with a man who made me feel a bit shit about myself. Abuse doesn’t have to be them beating you black and blue - and it’s OK to leave someone who might not be out and out abusive but makes you feel low all the time.

Op, I do think he’s at a minimum unpleasant. You do not need to justify leaving a relationship to any kind of committee you know. Someone on here said a while back that there’s no shortage of blokes on the planet - there’s a few billion more fish in the sea and you don’t have to stick with the shit ones. There’s no threshold of ‘is he abusive enough?’

I left a long term relationship because the chap wasn’t making me happy and I wasn’t making him happy. No real abuse, just little things that got me down and I couldn’t see an end to. It was hard to do but I never regretted it for a single second.

Don’t doubt that gut feeling you’ve got.

Between this thread and the other one about telling your dp everything, I'm dismayed to know that possibly everything I've told my closest female friends and relatives has been passed on to their partners because "we are soulmates and have no secrets" Wtaf?!!

me too. I'm still annoyed that my mother talked to her friends about my period when I was growing up. Some thing are personal. When it comes to my friends or my DDs, all my DH hears is something like "well woman care" or "female problems."

I'm not sure why any man wants to hear about issues with another woman's uterus or fallopian tubes or reproductive choices. It honestly seems odd to me.

OP, someone upthread mentioned the book Why does he do that? If you have it, look up the checklist that shows he's not changing. It's probably online somewhere as well. One of them is: he involves you in his change. The kind voice, be patient etc. He's making you responsible for his change, so when he fails you'll take some responsibility and he'll totally avoid his.

Thanks Charlotte it rings a bell and I'll look it up. Have read the book a while ago.

Don't know about abusive, but if I were having 'personal' op, I really wouldn't want my bil to know the ins and outs of it.