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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What do you make of this incident with dh?

195 replies

Ncncncncnc · 03/02/2018 21:38

I'm going through a process of trying to work out if my dh is abusive or I'm over sensitive, I have pretty poor boundaries and various issues which I'm working on so it's often difficult for me to tell who is at fault.

I want opinions on this one off incident, without giving any background, if that's ok.

Dh was making dinner tonight and I went for a run. When I came back in he laughed at me in my running gear and said something along the lines of, never thought I'd see the day (I've taken up running fairly recently). He then asked if I was still doing an upcoming race with my sister that I'd mentioned to him. I said I was still running but my sis had to pull out because of an op she is having. He then asked what the op was for and I said "it's personal". He took offence and said "why won't you tell me? You divulge all kinds of information about your labours and post childbirth body to your friends so why won't you tell me what the op is?" I said "it's not about me though is it? It's somebody else's personal stuff, ask her if you really want to know."
He then walked off shaking his head and muttering under his breath "personal...ha!"

Thoughts?

OP posts:
AgathaRaisonDetra · 04/02/2018 09:55

Anyfucker has an interesting point. Does your OH think you're abusing him?

Whocansay · 04/02/2018 10:01

In isolation, that exchange sounds playful. However, there is clearly a massive back story to this.

I think your secrecy about your sister's health issue is a bit strange, but clearly you are more of a private person than me. It wouldn't occur to me NOT to tell my DH, as he would want to be supportive.

It sounds like you are done with this relationship. If you no longer love him, you can leave. You don't need his permission or anyone else's.

BertrandRussell · 04/02/2018 10:04

“I think your secrecy about your sister's health issue is a bit strange, but clearly you are more of a private person than me. It wouldn't occur to me NOT to tell my DH, as he would want to be supportive.”

Without checking with your sister first?

sourpatchkid · 04/02/2018 10:08

Some posters on here are fucking snipey bastards.

It's really very common to have difficulty with understanding abusive behaviour when you've been abused. I know, I'm a trauma therapist. And sometimes I ask people to reach out to others for help in understanding relationships and seemingly when they do they get some of the fucking horrible posts on here.

So to all of those "you sound like hard work" and "get some therapyHmm" posts, maybe you'd like to reflect on yourself because you aren't sounding like the healthiest of people either.

Whocansay · 04/02/2018 10:09

Nope, wouldn't check. My family is not secretive about stuff like that. I don't think the human body is anything to be ashamed of.

StaplesCorner · 04/02/2018 10:10

Does your OH think you're abusing him?

Thats a really interesting point Agatha - do you think its common for abusive men to truly believe that they are the victims? The speaking in a kind voice thing is the sort of shit my husband would come up with, it just rings a big bell 'you're not nice to me' 'you don't treat me right' Sad

BertrandRussell · 04/02/2018 10:12

“ I don't think the human body is anything to be ashamed of.”

Neither do I. What a very bizarre thing to say!

Whocansay · 04/02/2018 10:14

Why bizarre? You asked a question, I answered and explained.

BertrandRussell · 04/02/2018 10:21

The suggestion that the only reason someone might want their medical history kept private is because they think bodies are something to be ashamed of is bizarre.

FrancinePefko · 04/02/2018 10:23

If one party feels the need to ask for a "kind tone" - by implication, they feel that the other party speaks (or has spoken) with an unkind tone in the past? Is that, in itself, EA? Or is it just tit for tat?

If a woman came on here saying she had asked her H to speak to her with a "kind tone of voice", I wonder if she would get given the metaphorical finger for attempting to control his behaviour.

You just sound like two people who have forgotten (or choose not) to be particularly considerate of each other.

twattymctwatterson · 04/02/2018 10:38

Op is seems some pps have wandered over from AIBU and don't know how to behave on this thread. You're not happy with this man. Abusers really don't change and it sounds like you'll always be second guessing his behaviour. You'll be happier if you end your marriage

QuiteLikely5 · 04/02/2018 10:41

There have been many different interpretations of the exchange op.

The fact is if you didn’t like the exchange then that’s all that counts.

You really don’t need validation from here.

I also don’t believe abusive men can change. Have you ever tried changing your personality? It just doesn’t work!

If he’s dysfunctional then he’s dysfunctional. The fairytale ending is never going to happen.

IrisApfelRocks · 04/02/2018 10:55

Abusive?! Are you for real?! Which part of that was abuse? I find this insulting to anyone actually going through it. Are you always so quick to shout abuse?

Original poster
Ncncncncnc · 04/02/2018 10:55

Sourpatchkid I'm glad to hear it's common to have difficulty with this because I feel like a twat this morning Blush

At the end of the day though everyone who is saying I don't need permission to leave and abusers don't change are probably right.

Also, I think the "kind voice" tone policing is meant to turn it around on me and keep me busy with thinking about my behaviour rather than noticing his, rather than because he feels abused by me (have to say this made me smile).

OP posts:
IrisApfelRocks · 04/02/2018 10:58

@Ncncncncnc Following on I haven't read the whole thread so if there is more to this story then I apologise, but from the OP it really wasn't abuse...

ohfourfoxache · 04/02/2018 11:08

As a stand alone incident it’s a bit “meh”.

But you say there is a back story. And he’s supposed to be “winning you back”.

I think deep down you know what you need to do. And you don’t need anyone’s permission to do it, ok? Not least the permission of strangers on the internet.

But you do need permission from yourself. Choose happiness. For whatever reason you’re not happy now. You get one shot at this life, don’t waste it.

EmyRoo · 04/02/2018 11:10

The thing about abuse is that it makes you doubt your own perception (see the monopolisation of perception). From what you have said on here, your perception is spot on.
If you do seek support, seek it from Women’s Aid, they will talk you through your concerns and provide support, whatever you decide to do.

I truly wish I could say you had it wrong, as leaving is hard, but I don’t think you do.

OutsSelf · 04/02/2018 11:12

This thread is really disappointing, MN used to be absolute gold standard for gentle support combined with no-nonsense taken. This thread is deeply unpleasant, is there any need to be so fucking rude to someone trying to work something out? Also the whole idea that couples should have to disclose everything - including other people's private details - or it's not a proper partnership, is an abuser's charter. Jesus. You might think I am unbearably precious to not want to disclose my medical status to others, but since I am the only one who this really matters to, you can fo. And so can OPs DP.

Ncncnc, I think you are getting a handle on it, from your last post.

For reference, my DP would be encouraging about me running/ exercising; and if I told him my sis needed an op, he would have been concerned about whether she was okay, and totally happy with the description of it as 'personal'.

FrancinePefko · 04/02/2018 11:12

OP when you shared the detail about him asking for a kind voice, you said This time he promised to change, is working on himself and I must apparently be patient with him if he cocks up again and use a kind voice if I need to correct him
It sounds like tit for tat to me. I'm not surprised you're both levelling similar accusations at each other.

FrancinePefko · 04/02/2018 11:23

I wonder if there are times when we would be better off using the word "inconsiderate" rather than "emotional abuse". Jumping straight to speculation of "abuse" seems to be unnecessarily incendiary and prompts hours of time and mental energy in post hoc validation. This probably sums up the whole thread (with the caveat of never knowing the whole story).

Why not just say. "Could you please be more considerate before passing comments on my running attire. I would appreciate it if you could give me some encouragement. Also, my sister has asked me not to share details of her medical procedure. As you can probably imagine it could cause her embarrassment so she has asked me to respect her privacy"

mimibunz · 04/02/2018 11:45

EmyRoo great answer!

bastardkitty · 04/02/2018 11:58

Thats a really interesting point Agatha - do you think its common for abusive men to truly believe that they are the victims? The speaking in a kind voice thing is the sort of shit my husband would come up with, it just rings a big bell 'you're not nice to me' 'you don't treat me right'

I don't think they believe they are the victims. I think they commonly accuse the victim of being the perpetrator. Which is just another abusive strategy.

Original poster
Ncncncncnc · 04/02/2018 12:05

Francine, I could try your approach next time. I suppose if he is being genuine with his attempt to change then it may have the desired effect. If it doesn't then I guess I'll have my answer.

OP posts:
FrancinePefko · 04/02/2018 12:09

I think you will too.

Original poster
Ncncncncnc · 04/02/2018 12:15

OutsSelf I was quite surprised at the responses on here too. I've spent enough time in the relationships board to have seen some really wonderful, gentle, thoughtful and carefully given advice, even without context or back story. I didn't expect people to be able to extrapolate what was going on from the little info I gave (although some have certainly managed that) but I didn't expect to be called hard work and to be told to get over myself!

OP posts:
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