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Original poster

How do you manage finances as a couple?

186 replies

Cici81 · 26/01/2018 18:32

I'm 36, my dp 35 and we've been together around 18 months, living together about a year. We've talked about our future and we've agreed we will get married and are TTC atm on mutual agreement.

After all our outgoings he ends up with £500 a month more than me and I am becoming increasingly resentful. I end up broke towards the end of the month while he is able to buy items for his hobby at between £100-£400 without any discussion with me. He does buy me the odd small thing occasionally and while I appreciate it I feel like they are handouts when we should be a partnership.

Today I suggested that our joint incomes should be pooled together. From that, we take out all joint outgoings (Inc his child support for his dd), make joint savings and split the reminder 50/50 to spend as we wish. I feel this is the only fair option and would absolutely feel the same if I earned more than him.

He said to me he doesn't feel this is fair as there is no incentive for him to go for promotion in September as he wouldn't see the benefit of the extra money. He also asked me how ambitious I am and whether I would ever go for a higher paid job. He enquired as to whether he would keep any money he got if he decided to do overtime.

Now, I don't know what to think. I am tied into a mortgage with my xp that I'm in the process of getting out of. If there was any profit from that (which I think there will be) it would of course go into the joint savings. He has a £20k credit card debt that he is hoping will just go away but I've said that if they came looking for the money we would sort it out together under this new arrangement. He also defaulted on a mortgage several years ago but says that is due to drop off.

Please tell me if IABU. I just think that as a couple we should be working on things together. I don't feel one person should be able to buy themselves extravagant purchases while the other person is broke. Any advice even if critical would be appreciated.

OP posts:
Mum4Fergus · 26/01/2018 18:41

DP and I live together with my DS(8, DP not his Dad). We have a joint account that everything is paid into/out of...one family, one pot.

Wingbing · 26/01/2018 18:44

Same as pp, all in one pot. He doesn't sound like his money is family money at all.

Mum4Fergus · 26/01/2018 18:46

Having reread your OP I'd not be TTC with your DP. His approach to finances are questionable at best, he's not £500pm better off, he's £20k+ in debt...and thinking it will go away is a very strange attitude. Tread carefully OP Thanks

Chasingsquirrels · 26/01/2018 18:47

I think your bigger issues are his debt and lack of concern about it, the potential implications of ttc while unmarried if going forward you take on the bulk of the childcare and resulting impact on your finances, together with his apparent lack of seeing the two of you as a family unit.
I wouldn't be ttc in this situation and I would be reviewing my overall position.

Lindah1 · 26/01/2018 18:47

We pay all the bills by proportion of wages as he earns a lot more than me. We put x amount into the joint account for day to day things using the same method, and whatever's left we have for ourselves to do with what we wish.

Babyblues052 · 26/01/2018 18:48

We go 50/50 on all bills ect then whatever is left of our wages is ours. Works for us.

DillyDilly · 26/01/2018 18:48

I’d stop TCC straight away until you sort out the finances.

His 20K credit card bill will not go away. Why doesn’t he put his spare 500 per month towards it.

How would you finance your maternity leave - will he contribute financially ? Will he contribute towards childcare costs when you return to work or expect you to cover all ? If he’s defaulted on a mortgage - are you both now renting ?

He sounds financially inept, I’d be very wary having any children with him.

DriggleDraggle · 26/01/2018 18:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KanielOutis · 26/01/2018 18:49

I wouldn't want to join finances with someone who has £20k of debt. His recklessness will impact on your credit. And why would your savings become his after just 18 months. In all honesty I'd step way back and secure your own financial security because you won't be secure joining finances with him.

Original poster
Cici81 · 26/01/2018 18:49

Thanks for the replies. Possibly from his point of view, he earns more and should see the benefits of this more than me. He is always saying his job is stressful and during an argument said he 'works for his money' (insinuating I don't) but in reality he actually spends less time in work than I do despite the higher grade.

I feel this is a deal breaker for me and I know people will say this should have been a discussion before we moved in together and made plans for the future. You live and learn, is all I can say!

OP posts:
Original poster
Cici81 · 26/01/2018 18:53

We currently rent together and all bills etc are paid 50/50. However, I get pissed off when he brings up what he wants to buy next while I couldn't afford the luxury.

OP posts:
Mybabystolemysanity · 26/01/2018 18:55

Don't have a baby with this man and don't pool your finances with him.

If he feels he works hard and deserves his 500 quid a month extra, let him have it, because believe me, when you're trapped in the house with one baby and the next one on the way wondering how you're going to manage next week, he won't care.

Please, please, please don't give up your financial independence on any account. (From someone who's on the verge of a breakdown because her DH thinks wifework is her hobby)

yetmorecrap · 26/01/2018 19:01

Nope that’s not fair at you paying 50% of bills if he earns more. Are you factoring in maintenance though to this??

HipsterAssassin · 26/01/2018 19:01

Crikey.

He insinuated his job is more important. He is more important. He is financially irresponsible.

When these morons tell you who they are: listen.

Step 1) sort your contraception out - make it fool proof. As in, stop sleeping with the prick.

Step 2) LTB. Deal breaker indeed it is.

DontDIY · 26/01/2018 19:02

If you were living with a friend, you’d split bills 50/50 regardless of income, wouldn’t you? You’d be worse off living alone, would you not?

But you do need to clarify what the set up will be when you have kids, MAT leave, childcare, etc.

Until then, I see his point.

pigshavecurlytails · 26/01/2018 19:04

Don't ttc with this man and I'd reconsider the relationship. You'll be one of those women who can't clothe their child on mat leave because DH money isn't family money

Original poster
Cici81 · 26/01/2018 19:09

He asked how under this arrangement he would be able to afford items for his hobby. What would you say to this as I was taken unawares and had no answer? I think he thinks I'm being controlling.

OP posts:
orangetriangle · 26/01/2018 19:09

wow my dd is intending to rent with her bf . She is happy to go 50/50 but he has said if he earns more he will pay more and would support her completely if she is unable to get a job currently a student. She doesnt want either of these things but how nice he has offered. I think his attitude is not good at all

RemainOptimistic · 26/01/2018 19:10

For gods sake stop ttc immediately. Go and read the threads from women who don't realise they are being financially abused until they have a baby and then post on mumsnet for advice about how to make 50p feed and clothe them and baby for the week. All the while the father of the baby spends £000s on his hobby and complains about the dust on the windowsills.

Why on earth would you make a child with a man who is telling you he doesn't see the point in going for promotion, who doesn't take pride in working to better the lives of the love of his life (you!) and his future children? He doesn't want to provide for his own family.

Don't walk, RUN.

blackdoggotmytongue · 26/01/2018 19:10

All in together. When we met, our wages were exactly the same (to the penny lol). For the last 20 years, I have earned about 30% of his earnings (yes, children, caring responsibilities, usual shit that comes with being a woman). We pool everything. One joint account. All bills paid from it. All wages paid into it. We use YNAB and I control the budget.
Op, you should read some of the threads on here stRted by women who are years down the line from you, who are given meagre household stipends that have to cover everything for the house and children, while their partner has thousands stashed elsewhere and they cannot access it. The women that can’t afgord to leave as childbirth and loss of income have rendered them unable to afford anything for themselves at all, including an escape fund.

Original poster
Cici81 · 26/01/2018 19:11

@DontDIY the point is we aren't friends but in a relationship planning a future together to include children. Of course flatmates would be a different scenario.

OP posts:
RemainOptimistic · 26/01/2018 19:12

How would he afford items for his hobby - he'd grow the fuck up is the answer to that.

pigshavecurlytails · 26/01/2018 19:14

Does he realise that he'll have to contribute to a baby? Seriously have a proper chat with him and if he really is the man child he seems to be then leave.

DontDIY · 26/01/2018 19:15

Plan for the future, yes. But we’re talking about your current set up. I did say clarify what will happen in future, and that should already have been done if you’re TTC.

I wouldn’t expect a partner of 18 months to cover more of the bills than me, when we’re not married and don’t have children, but that’s my personal opinion. I do see I’m in the minority.

winterwonderly · 26/01/2018 19:15

But surely you're the one better off financially? He's in 20k of debt. He doesn't actually have money to be spending on luxuries. If he's not using that money to be paying off his debt each month then I assume he is accruing interest on the debt and he's actually getting further into debt? That's the big issue here.