How do you manage finances as a couple?

[Cici81]

I'm 36, my dp 35 and we've been together around 18 months, living together about a year. We've talked about our future and we've agreed we will get married and are TTC atm on mutual agreement.

After all our outgoings he ends up with £500 a month more than me and I am becoming increasingly resentful. I end up broke towards the end of the month while he is able to buy items for his hobby at between £100-£400 without any discussion with me. He does buy me the odd small thing occasionally and while I appreciate it I feel like they are handouts when we should be a partnership.

Today I suggested that our joint incomes should be pooled together. From that, we take out all joint outgoings (Inc his child support for his dd), make joint savings and split the reminder 50/50 to spend as we wish. I feel this is the only fair option and would absolutely feel the same if I earned more than him.

He said to me he doesn't feel this is fair as there is no incentive for him to go for promotion in September as he wouldn't see the benefit of the extra money. He also asked me how ambitious I am and whether I would ever go for a higher paid job. He enquired as to whether he would keep any money he got if he decided to do overtime.

Now, I don't know what to think. I am tied into a mortgage with my xp that I'm in the process of getting out of. If there was any profit from that (which I think there will be) it would of course go into the joint savings. He has a £20k credit card debt that he is hoping will just go away but I've said that if they came looking for the money we would sort it out together under this new arrangement. He also defaulted on a mortgage several years ago but says that is due to drop off.

Please tell me if IABU. I just think that as a couple we should be working on things together. I don't feel one person should be able to buy themselves extravagant purchases while the other person is broke. Any advice even if critical would be appreciated.

I agree that your suggested approach is fairest. His attitude to money is scary though and I would think very hard before joining finances or having a child with someone who has that attitude to debt and doesn't seem to understand why the current situation is unfair. Who spends that much on a hobby when they have £20k debt! Does he realise that he could get a CCJ and bailiffs could be instructed?

@Pollaidh he believes he should earn the benefits of a promotion as he is more ambitious and has apparently put a lot into self-development over the last few years eg he has gone on various courses. When he questions my ambition my defences immediately go up as I feel like he is implying I am stupid.

It'll only drop off his file if they don't catch up with him first!

Love isn't enough OP. His attitude to money is shocking. What are you going to do on maternity leave and childcare in the future?

Red flags all over.

I'm kind of baffled by this.

I get on really well with lots of people but when it comes to picking someone to spend my life with, I need a bit more than a laugh and compatible hobbies or whatever.

He is utterly financially irresponsible and if you stay with him and do merge your finances, you will end up carrying a load of debt you got no benefit from. Someone walking away from debt pretending it isn't real should be a red flag for anyone - male or female. he isn't mature or adult enough to be in a relationship.

And then this money that he doesn't really have but spends anyway - he feels that you shouldn't get your mitts on any of it. What on earth is attractive about that? Apart from the stupidity of a man ringfencing and refusing to share money he doesn't really have to spend anyway?

Just how good is the "getting on well with".

I am university educated and am now a Civil Servant (he is 2 grades higher although temporarily promoted at the minute so this could change). I am happy with the level I am at and if I'm honest I would only ever want to go one grade higher than I am now. I suffer from low self-esteem and have never had ambition to be in a high-flying career.

Surely it depends on the type of work - DH is in a corporate role, I'm government. Both highly educated, just drawn towards different types of work. I howl in dismay when he shows me his latest bonus (more than my annual salary), but he's never said I need to go and get a job in the corporate world, or that I can't have the benefits of his corporate salary. We both work hard, we both enjoy our jobs. I could get a corporate job and be paid a lot more, even PT, but I'd hate it.

If money is very tight then both people have to think carefully about whether they could increase their income, without destroying family life, but I'm not sure that's your situation, and it's not always possible anyway. Different people and education suit different roles, and unfortunately how hard you work isn't necessarily reflected in salary.

If you have children, who would be taking maternity leave? How would you manage the financial situation whilst you were on ML? That would be an interesting question to ask. Some poor women on here end up almost starving themselves or using all their savings, because their DH thinks his money is his, even when his DP is bringing up their child. What about if you start working PT as many women do, because otherwise it's really difficult to manage school, nursery, assemblies etc? You would have even less money. How would that be fair? How would he see the financial arrangements evolving then?

Maybe worth asking those questions. His instinctive answer might tell you a lot. But personally I wouldn't be getting involved any further with this man.

honestly OP, I know you love him but this isn't going to end well. mean with money, mean with love. He isn't committed to you being a team moving forward in life. Don't have children with him. and every time he buys something with "his" money remember that is a chunk of interest-bearing debt that is being added to the debt burden he carries.

That's providing no payments of even £1 has been made in the meantime because that just start the 12 years ticking again
Which is why they are quite happy to accept really ridiculous low repayments on any sort of debt as each payment resets the time limit to pursue it from

What?

It'll only drop off his file if they don't catch up with him first!

What? Nothing is going to "drop off" his file. Do you mean they will write it off? Because they will NOT write off £20k. That level of debt is going to be pursued via CCJ for sure.

He is utterly financially irresponsible and if you stay with him and do merge your finances, you will end up carrying a load of debt you got no benefit from

New debt yes, if she takes out a joint loan/mortgage with him. She will never be liable for the old debt though, because it is not in her name and she is not a Guarantor. Having said that, bailiffs may well come to Op's home, looking to remove goods, so she should keep receipts going forward.

Thanks @Joysmum. Do you think me suggesting we have equal money to spend on ourselves every month is fair? I'm beginning to wonder if I'm being a bitch and if he deserves to reap the rewards of his higher earnings which are about 25% more than mine.

Not sure we are reading the same thread.

But what sort of person would not want to share with someone they love? He sounds very selfish. A trait that would have me running for the hills.
Does he share food?

Thanks @Tinkerbec. The food and bills are 100% 50/50.

@cici personally no I do not think that's fair as I said upthread but personally I'm in the "my money is and always will be mine and theirs is theirs" camp, and I'd feel that way whether I was the lower or higher earner (likely to always be the lower as I'm self employed in an unpredictable industry).

But as everyone else has said, THAT ISNT YOUR PROBLEM! His attitude to debt is mind-blowingly immature and frankly frightening. You do realise there's a good chance it will result in bailiffs turning up at your door and taking away his possessions, right? They may not be able to take your current house (can't remember if you said you solely own or rent that) but they'll track him down eventually. The old tenants in my flat never paid the council tax, their arrears are about £2k (doesn't sound much in comparison to your partner's). When I rang up the council to explain I was the new tenant the first thing they asked is whether I had a forwarding address for the old one as they were sending bailiffs out. They won't stop trying to recover that debt. That extra £500 a month he's got should be going on paying it all off. I really think however much you love or get on with him, it pales in comparison to his attitude. If you marry and join your finances and he did this again further down the line on a joint purchase, it would be you as well the bailiffs were chasing. How can you listen to him talk about his debt that way and not want to punch him in the face? I do and I've never met him!

You must protect yourself OP. If you get married to this man then you are potentially opening yourself up to bankruptcy and as a civil servant you could lose your job. You really need to see a therapist to help you through this lack of self esteem that has led to you accepting this for yourself

Do you think me suggesting we have equal money to spend on ourselves every month is fair?

I couldn’t tell anyone what they should think or do. All I can do is ask others what they are comfortable with and say that I personally was never going to be comfortable with my partner having less spending power than me simply because of how an employer valued him. That wasn’t relevant to how I valued him.

Why would anyone choose to be someone whose ambitions wasn’t to earn as much as possible? We’d not want to be, or be with, with those in low paid work who are vital to society if a selfish attitude to money was driving us all.

Plus if I’d wanted to go on holiday, or go out for the evening I’d always have had to leave my partner at home, or make him have to keep telling me he couldn’t afford to unless I paid. No way I’d want him to feel like that.

Luckily our set up continued for 7 years before we had a baby and then I cared for each of his parents through illness until death so there was never any worries about me bearing the brunt of the financial losses of this.

Thanks for the info husky!

"That's nonsense. The Op cannot ever be held responsible for her Partners debt, because her name isn't on the Credit Card or Mortgage. The Op's Partner is liable, as is any other named person on the debt, OR..... any Guarantors/Third Party Sureties."

Especially this ^ I am staggered by the number of PP who believe you become liable for someone else's debt that is in their sole name just because you have a relationship with them. That's not how it works! Why do people believe this do you think?

This thread is a perfect example of why a poster should ensure they get advice from a reputable source like CAB or stepchange and not take any of the advice here as the truth. So much misinformation.

Also not sure what area of the CS you're in, but for some posts/departments a dodgy financial background will mean he (potentially you in future) can't get clearance for those roles. I'm not sure if that's because it's viewed as moral failing, or more likely because it puts people at higher risk of being bribed or blackmailed.

Liable is the wrong word, of course is normal to get dragged into the repercussions of a partners debts by either feeling like you need to bail them out, maintain their lifestyle at your cost, or impact on an ability to get credit if needed or buy a home.

To spend huge amounts on a hobby when interest in accruing and not evening managing the debt effectively let alone doing all you can shows a blatant disregard for anything but your self and is a massive red flag.

All in one pot ! I work full time and earn nearly 5 times what my husband does but he works part time and looks after the kids.
Anything over £100 we tend to discuss and talk about before buying.

We don't have joint money and never have but bills are worked in such a way that we did and do end up with quite even amounts after bills. It had to be renegotiated when my income dropped as I was retired early through ill health.

I wouldn't want to be with anyone that was so crap with money.

He told me that it said something along the lines of that if he paid x amount they would be willing to accept that as final payment of the debt.

This seems v v unlikely. They often will make this agreement but not without the creditor engaging with them first.

What happened to the house your DP had with his XP? Was it repossessed? If not, and they sold it, then surely the mortgage was sorted as part of the sale?

We have a joint account and each pay in our share of the mortgage and bills (split fifty fifty). The rest of our money is ours to do with as we please.

I've no idea how much dp has. He earns a few hundred more than me a month but that's all I know and I don't care.

I would hate to pool all our money. I like to spend mine on books and weekends away. He spends his on beer .

He's living in cloud cuckoo land if he thinks the debt will just drop off! It won't! He'll apply for something which will trigger them finding where he is and next thing you know you'll have bailiffs at your door wanting to take your TV, laptop, car. The naivety is staggering! Credit card companies don't just write off £20k. They sell the debt onto nasty debt collection companies who will make your life a misery until they get their money. Yet he still wants to fritter "his" extra £500 a month on hobbies? Think long and hard before you tie yourself to someone like that permanently. You will in all likelihood live to bitterly regret it.

The 20k debt would send me running to be honest, but that's not really suitable for you.

He does need to learn to be better with money and quickly. Don't have a baby until that credit card is cleared to be honest, having a child is expensive enough without paying extra bills for debt on top of it.

I don't live with my partner yet, but I think that we will put our money into an account, pay the bills, then x amount of the remainder will be put into savings and the rest can be spent on stuff we need, like his games, my sport stuff etc. Your x amount into savings could instead be x amount into paying off the credit card. Then he still has some money for his hobbies and so do you.

When you have a child, while he's doing overtime you are doing extra childcare on your own, so you are both doing extra work and both deserve to benefit.

If he really does want to have children with you then surely he would want to go for promotion to earn more money for the family, rather than himself? If he's not thinking this way even though he already has a child then alarm bells really should be ringing!

I know it's not what you want to hear but entangling yourself financially and/or having children with him is going to put you in a very vulnerable position.

We keep ours separate. Two bank accounts. He earns slightly more than me since I decreased hours to 30h after dd2... he pays rent, bills, car insurance and puts more in the savings pot. I pay childcare, food shop and my travel costs to work. I put 150 in the savings. Luckily neither of us have debt but he is a more happy spender than me on unnecessary tat and eating out. Keeping the accounts separate saves us arguing over that, as long as all the costs are covered and money put into the savings pot, I try out of sight out of mind for what he fritters the rest away on... That being said, we both have access to eachothers accounts and money should we need it. I wouldn't ask him for money if I needed it, as long as he had it I would take it and inform him, and vice versa. We still do the "no I'll pay" dance whenever we're together for a meal or whatever