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Original poster

How do you manage finances as a couple?

186 replies

Cici81 · 26/01/2018 18:32

I'm 36, my dp 35 and we've been together around 18 months, living together about a year. We've talked about our future and we've agreed we will get married and are TTC atm on mutual agreement.

After all our outgoings he ends up with £500 a month more than me and I am becoming increasingly resentful. I end up broke towards the end of the month while he is able to buy items for his hobby at between £100-£400 without any discussion with me. He does buy me the odd small thing occasionally and while I appreciate it I feel like they are handouts when we should be a partnership.

Today I suggested that our joint incomes should be pooled together. From that, we take out all joint outgoings (Inc his child support for his dd), make joint savings and split the reminder 50/50 to spend as we wish. I feel this is the only fair option and would absolutely feel the same if I earned more than him.

He said to me he doesn't feel this is fair as there is no incentive for him to go for promotion in September as he wouldn't see the benefit of the extra money. He also asked me how ambitious I am and whether I would ever go for a higher paid job. He enquired as to whether he would keep any money he got if he decided to do overtime.

Now, I don't know what to think. I am tied into a mortgage with my xp that I'm in the process of getting out of. If there was any profit from that (which I think there will be) it would of course go into the joint savings. He has a £20k credit card debt that he is hoping will just go away but I've said that if they came looking for the money we would sort it out together under this new arrangement. He also defaulted on a mortgage several years ago but says that is due to drop off.

Please tell me if IABU. I just think that as a couple we should be working on things together. I don't feel one person should be able to buy themselves extravagant purchases while the other person is broke. Any advice even if critical would be appreciated.

OP posts:
eenymeenymaccaracca · 26/01/2018 19:15

Please don't marry this guy or ttc with him. This is not going to end well.

Original poster
Cici81 · 26/01/2018 19:19

Thanks everyone. I just wanted clarification that I wasn't being totally unreasonable. If he decided to do overtime at the weekend, should that money be his to save for things for himself? I don't own anymore...

OP posts:
Original poster
Cici81 · 26/01/2018 19:20

*don't know anymore

OP posts:
bandito · 26/01/2018 19:20

Is it possible that he is assuming that his 20k debt will 'disappear' when your money comes through from your house? Are you actually engaged or has he just made vague agreements that he would like to get married? If you were my daughter, I would be extremely concerned that you would sort the debt because it bothered you, became pregnant and he decided that marriage wasn't for him - especially as he's already paying one lot of maintenance. Sorry Op, you sound like a kind person and I hope I am wrong.

Bigfoot1 · 26/01/2018 19:23

One pot here.
If I choose to do overtime it goes straight in the joint pot as it means I can’t contribute as much that week to family life.
If one of us goes for a promotion the other one supports in that endeavour and the whole family (quite rightly) reaps the financial reward.
We’re very lucky with our income bracket so we can afford to buy ourselves things. The rule is that anything over £100 would be discussed (and we’ve never had a situation where the other one didn’t agree)

This bloke is VERY worrying.
Money can be a real problem in relationships. You need to be on the same page.... you two don’t even sound in the same book....

Parky04 · 26/01/2018 19:24

Any overtime money should go towards paying off his debt! He sounds financially irresponsible.

LemonShark · 26/01/2018 19:24

I actually think it's pretty cheeky to ask a boyfriend of 18m to subsidise your living costs, by pooling it all 50/50. My preferred option with significant income disparity would be for each person to pay the percentage of their income in household total income in bills. So if I earn 30k and my OH 10k I'd expect to pay a greater percentage of the household shared bills to avoid this scenario where the less well off person has zero spending money left and the one with a better paid job has plenty. I wouldn't want to see my OH struggle unable to afford luxuries while I had surplus.

But I do think pooling it all and splitting evenly is a far greater level of commitment than you're at currently as a cohabiting couple who aren't married and haven't even been together two years. That comes across like you're just asking for some of his money and I can see why alarm bells would ring for him. It'd be different if you were raising a child I think.

My OH earns about 10k more than me but as both our salaries are absolutely fine enabling us to pay 50/50 that's what we do. Even if it'd be a decade together I can't envisage asking for full control over all of his and my money!

We have a joint account to input rent and bills money every month then we have our own sole accounts.

It sounds like you have a lot of entanglements with exes too, you with a mortgage, he has debt and a child with another woman, it doesn't sound wise to throw everything into sharing every penny when neither of you are fully free to be solely using your own assets and income for the relationship.

Redken24 · 26/01/2018 19:25

One bank account. No restrictions apart from lack of money for buying stuff 😂

blue25 · 26/01/2018 19:25

Several alarm bells here. 20k debt and making no effort to pay it off, even with spare money. Wanting to spend 'his' money on himself. Do you want to buy a house at some point as his attitude to his debt could prevent this. You need to seriously think about this relationship.

Original poster
Cici81 · 26/01/2018 19:26

The mortgage is with his XP who he has the DD with and they apparently just 'buried their head in the sand' about it. I'm annoyed because he is considerably better off after giving up his rented flat to live with me, yet all the benefits appear to be for him.

I have always paid my mortgage and my credit score is excellent. He has talked about us getting a house but mortgage in my name. That's what his XP did with her new partner.

OP posts:
Amatree · 26/01/2018 19:28

He has several hundred left at the end of the month and chooses to spend it on his hobby instead of paying off the 20k he owes?! From your op it sounds like he actually isn't paying that back at all-correct me if that's wrong but if it's right he is basically thieving money from the credit card company while living it up. I couldn't be with a man like that, regardless of how you share money. He sounds financially totally irresponsible and I would tread very carefully and maybe rethink ttc for now.

Thebluedog · 26/01/2018 19:30

Sorry but I’d not want to ttc with this man. What happens when you are on mat leave, or he loses his job?

LemonShark · 26/01/2018 19:30

I would never put myself at risk with just one joint account unless it was managed like ours is, an account that carries a small balance as it's filled and drained solely with joint bills and rent money every month, and no overdraft facility.

Having your only account be a joint one puts you at such risk. The other account holder can walk into a bank and withdraw the entire amount in cash at any moment, transfer it all to a sole account, they can drain it to the bottom of the overdraft and you're liable for the debt. As much as one trusts and loves their OH, it's naive in the extreme to put yourself at such financial risk. It's a nightmare to sort when you split too as in my example I had to freeze it while we worked on closing it so my ex didn't keep running up debt. If I didn't have a sole account I'd be fucked.

Never keep all of your cash somewhere another person can access.

Ellisandra · 26/01/2018 19:30

Well, he should have the same as you because that extra £500 should be going on that £20K credit card bill Hmm

For the love of all things holy, get some tense and stop trying for a baby until you've sorted this out.

You'll have no-one to blame but yourself if you choose to have a baby with him.

Some couples might find this set up acceptable, most wouldn't.

Whether it's acceptable or not, it is ridiculous not to have sorted out how you'll manage finances when there is a child - which you clearly haven't. You need to grow up a bit!

DontDIY · 26/01/2018 19:32

But aren’t you better off too, now that he is paying half your mortgage and council tax?

I agree he seems irresponsible re the credit card, etc. but I think they’re separate issues and his problem for now, and why you shouldn’t have a baby until they are resolved.

Original poster
Cici81 · 26/01/2018 19:32

@Amatree he isn't paying it at all. He has ignored letters that were sent to his mum's house from the credit card company.

I could never be like this as it would keep me awake at night. I have debt but pay it off every month.

OP posts:
Roseandmabelshouse · 26/01/2018 19:34

My partner always earned loads more than me. We kept our finances separate, but he paid for all bills mortgage etc. So I still had a decent amount of disposable income.

Personally I wouldn't have wanted his money so early on in a relationship. But I can understand feeling recentful if he isn't saving it or putting towards a more sensible use i.e. For a wedding/family holiday etc.

Merryoldgoat · 26/01/2018 19:34

TTC whilst only together 18 months, money compatibility issues and £20k debt? Doesn't sound all that sensible to me I'm afraid.

I'd have a rethink about TTC so soon and properly discuss financial arrangements for the future with children and mortgages.

Original poster
Cici81 · 26/01/2018 19:35

@DontDIY he is not paying half my mortgage. My xp has a lodger to supplement it and I pay the difference out of my own wages.

OP posts:
MagicAlwaysLeadsToTrouble · 26/01/2018 19:35

I agree with all the “be wary” comments but wanted to add how we spilt things.

We are both paid into our own personal accounts. We have a shared joint account which all bills and things like food shopping, petrol, clothes for the kids, family trips etc etc come out of. Literally almost everything.

Both of us can spend from this account.
We put different amounts into it though.

Over time we have adjusted the amount (depending on jobs, maternity leave, promotions etc) but it’s what we can both afford. I take home less so contribute less to the joint account. There is no issue with my DH contributing financially more to the joint pot.

We both have personal spends left over, we both pay for all family stuff.

For us ultimately it is all one pot though this helps with the feeling of having your own spends as it were. Maybe you can discuss a 40/60 spilt perhaps?

pitterpatterrain · 26/01/2018 19:35

So, "how can I afford things for my hobby..."

Well. The reality is he can't afford them right now. He's pretending. Debt doesn't disappear because you want it to.

That appears to be a distract from the discussion you were trying to have with him about merging finances.

For us, we have separate accounts for salary / day-to-day. Money goes into a joint account for bills. Any remainder gets spent or into joint savings. If one of us is short the other bounces money to them.

WitchesHatRim · 26/01/2018 19:36

He has ignored letters that were sent to his mum's house from the credit card company.

Let's hope he doesn't ignore court papers. A credit card company isn't just going to let 20k debt disappear.

DontDIY · 26/01/2018 19:37

Okay, so what is he paying to live with you? Is it rent? Did he move into were you were already living?

LemonShark · 26/01/2018 19:38

Oh god I missed the amount of debt! Do NOT have a baby with a man in 20k debt he's running and hiding from! Worst decision of your life.

What are your thoughts on his debt and his way of (not) managing it?

LemonShark · 26/01/2018 19:39

Is he living with you rent free?