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Original poster

How do you manage finances as a couple?

186 replies

Cici81 · 26/01/2018 18:32

I'm 36, my dp 35 and we've been together around 18 months, living together about a year. We've talked about our future and we've agreed we will get married and are TTC atm on mutual agreement.

After all our outgoings he ends up with £500 a month more than me and I am becoming increasingly resentful. I end up broke towards the end of the month while he is able to buy items for his hobby at between £100-£400 without any discussion with me. He does buy me the odd small thing occasionally and while I appreciate it I feel like they are handouts when we should be a partnership.

Today I suggested that our joint incomes should be pooled together. From that, we take out all joint outgoings (Inc his child support for his dd), make joint savings and split the reminder 50/50 to spend as we wish. I feel this is the only fair option and would absolutely feel the same if I earned more than him.

He said to me he doesn't feel this is fair as there is no incentive for him to go for promotion in September as he wouldn't see the benefit of the extra money. He also asked me how ambitious I am and whether I would ever go for a higher paid job. He enquired as to whether he would keep any money he got if he decided to do overtime.

Now, I don't know what to think. I am tied into a mortgage with my xp that I'm in the process of getting out of. If there was any profit from that (which I think there will be) it would of course go into the joint savings. He has a £20k credit card debt that he is hoping will just go away but I've said that if they came looking for the money we would sort it out together under this new arrangement. He also defaulted on a mortgage several years ago but says that is due to drop off.

Please tell me if IABU. I just think that as a couple we should be working on things together. I don't feel one person should be able to buy themselves extravagant purchases while the other person is broke. Any advice even if critical would be appreciated.

OP posts:
Creasey31 · 26/01/2018 20:36

We have a joint account I put in £100 less than other half and he earns £500 a month more take home. The rest of my wage is mine and the rest of his wage is his. We put the same amount into savings a month each. I don’t have to justify my money and he doesn’t have to justify his. I prefer it that way.

iamloading · 26/01/2018 20:48

Ours is family money, so it all goes into one joint account. Helps that we have very similar attitudes to spending / money. Oh and for what it's worth I earn over 5 times what DH does, but I wouldn't dream of not going for a promotion because I "wouldn't see the benefit" 🙄

Magpiemagpie · 26/01/2018 20:50

I bet he would like you to buy a house but in your name
Then the next step will be marriage
And then bingo he has a right to your house when you get divorced in a few years
Probwbly enough to pay of his debts and set himself back up

Magpiemagpie · 26/01/2018 20:55

I think It will only drop off his file if he has a ccj
And then it's 6 years but it depends on when he got the CCJ
If I were you op I would want to see his credit file in fact I would probably sign up to one behind his back and see what else the fucker has hidden

NotSureThisIsWhatIWant · 26/01/2018 20:57

Honestly... if he wants all the luxuries to himself and happy to let you go broke at the end of the month, he is NOT going to change if a baby comes along.

TTC with this man is BONKERS, much more so if you are not married. Neither you or the baby are protected from such level of selfishness and lack of consideration.

DwangelaForever · 26/01/2018 21:03

We each have our own account and also have a joint account. Put an equal amount in the joint account and bills come out of there.

Sometimes I put in more as I earn more but not always - I pay for a car and petrol etc so even though I earn more I have higher outgoings that affect us both.

Beentherelefthimgotthetshirt · 26/01/2018 21:17

So your DP ultimately wants you to get a mortgage in your sole name because of his credit issues. I guarantee you he won't want to pay towards a mortgage in your sole name... he will argue that he shouldn't have to pay you, his DP, rent which pays off your mortgage for your benefit. Have you discussed this with him? I fear you'll be even worse off at that point.

Ellisandra · 26/01/2018 21:25

Oh and I can't say this loudly enough:

YOU ARE AN ABSOLUTE BLOODY FOOL TO BE OFFERING MONEY FROM THE SALE OF YOUR HOUSE TO PAY OFF HIS CREDIT CARD DEBT

You honestly deserve to lost the lot - which you will - for being so stupid!

You think if it turns out you're not together-forever he's going to pay you back the chunk of equity that you just pissed up a wall paying off his debt?

And if you do stay together (and lucky you, staying with this useless arse) if you pay off his debts he'll just run up more. Which means you have lost your money for nothing.

Why exactly is this useless arse attractive to you?
He defaulted on his mortgage.
You're talking about 'if they come after him' on the £20K debt... and the dropping off... you don't mean a CCJ at all, do you? He's just ignoring the debt isn't he? You really want to tie yourself to him with a baby?

Honestly, you've only been with him 18 months, he's a bad bet... anyone would think you were a 36yo woman who wanted a baby and was worried about running out of time.

Lou573 · 26/01/2018 21:38

God OP, do not have a baby with this man.

Dh and I got around to setting up a joint account once we had a kid - all in one pot even though he earns double what I do. Luckily he doesn't value my contribution to the family in terms of what I bring in financially. I spend what I want, we trust each other to do so sensibly and discuss big purchases.

Even before we had a joint account, we'd just spend from whichever account had money. I wasn't going to calculate who owed what on the weekly shop!

Lou573 · 26/01/2018 21:40

Honestly OP, I'm struggling to imagine a scenario in which my husband would say 'this money is mine and I'm keeping it for my fun things while you go without.' We're a team - Both of us do everything we can to make our family's life as good as it can be.

Ginger1982 · 26/01/2018 21:41

DH and I have a joint account and each pay the same amount into it once a month. The rest of our money is ours though we usually pay for groceries and other things out of our own money.

Beentherelefthimgotthetshirt · 26/01/2018 22:03

When you get your lump sum from your house sale think about what it took to get that money. Did it take you and your ex both paying the mortgage? Did it take years of work? Did it take a rising house market and a low interest rate environment? Now imagine ripping that money up and flushing it down the loo. How long will it take you to earn enough money to make back that lump sum in net cash only now you're heading into your 50s and you're a bit more tired. Imagine doing that all over again with a baby and all those costs only you're saddled with a resentful partner who thinks he "deserves" his hobby and you're wondering why you paid off his credit card... forget the love bubble dream. That's a crock of shit. Men like this don't suddenly become generous because a baby's involved. Think long and hard about giving away your money. It's hard to come by and you will regret it hugely.

To answer your original question I sold my property and put the money into renovating my XH's house after he put the house in joint names. Our contribution was equal. In terms of income we had one pot. He earned more than me but we had a couple of years were he wasn't working and I was. It was one shared stress-free pot.

QueenofmyPrinces · 26/01/2018 22:11

I’m on the fence...

Me and DH pool all money now but we’ve only done it since we were married.

We lived together for 3 years before getting married and during that time our finances were separate. We paid 50/50 on everything even though he earned more. It wasn’t an issue though as I wouldn’t have expected him to share his money with me when we were only co-habitating.

Once we were married and knew we wanted to TTC straight away that’s when we decided to pool out money as we’d made a long term commitment to each other and we were not a singular unit as opposed to two separate units who lived together.

I would be putting TTC on hold until you are married....but before even taking that step with him I would be finding out exactly how he sees your financial set up in the future and take it from there.

bouncydog · 26/01/2018 22:16

One pot and I’ve always been the higher earner. Everything is ours not mine or DH’s. Whilst I’ve earned more, he has done lots of stuff around the house which has saved us loads. He also shared childcare doing pickups and covering some of school holidays.

In you shoes I would get out ASAP. £20k of debt and a defaulted mortgage then moaning he won’t have money to spend on his hobby? He should be thinking about paying off his debts. Definitely do not become financially linked to this man and do not have any children with him. You deserve far more than that.

JaneEyre70 · 26/01/2018 22:20

His financial irresponsibility does not make him ideal father material, OP. Ignore that at your peril. And accept a future where everything has to go in your name, and you're waiting for the next lot of bailiffs to bang on the door.

KatharinaRosalie · 26/01/2018 22:28

your question how we manage it - when we were simply dating, we paid more or less half each. When we got married, we put everything in one pot. Does not matter who earns more or who does any extra work or gets a bonus or similar, still all goes to same pot.

But that's quite irrelevant anyway. He has 20K debt and no intention of paying it off, but spends hundreds on his hobby? and if you happened to have a baby, would he still want you to pay half, even if you're not earning?

Janel85 · 26/01/2018 22:36

I used to have a lot less disposable income than my husband, while we were both working and saving for our wedding we divided everything in half with a small monthly disposable left over that was equal, then we had kids and I stopped work and husband had loads of money and I still had the same small allowance, to be fair to him he paid for all our meals out etc, but it didn’t sit right with me, I confronted him about, saying I had given up my career and why should I have a paltry allowance compare to him when raising our family and keeping our home is just as important to our life, he resisted for about two minutes, then realised what I was asking was completely fair, you’re either an equal partnership and family unit or you’re not. You’re sharing a life not just a bed no?

ALLIS0N · 26/01/2018 23:38

Dear OP, please listen to the lovely ladies on this thread and dump this sad apology for a man ASAP.

And please go and get some couselling and talk about what has happened in your life to give you such low self esteem. Because you have a lot going for you - you are smart, hard working and you have a good sense of right and wrong. You deserve someone much better than this guy.

glow1984 · 26/01/2018 23:47

As someone who has a bad credit rating due to previous mistakes

Do not marry him or join finances, it will ruin you. He will leave you with nothing, and in debt. Until he learns responsibility, like I did, he is useless to you.

I have not joined finances with DP as my rating is so bad. Luckily , am now in a position to start clearing my debts, but that's a whole other thread.

gamerchick · 26/01/2018 23:54

DO NOT have babies or marry this person. You need to listen very carefully to what he’s saying to you. If you have a baby you’ll be very vulnerable.

Have your fun with him all you want but this will end and you don’t want kids in the middle of it. Tell him your joint attitudes to money matters aren’t compatible and you don’t wish to get pregnant right now.

You’ll be a mug and regret it but it’s your call.

As for your question, me and the husband have separate finances (I was badly stung re money with an ex) but it’s all our money and neither of us goes without despite him earning double to me.

LemonSqueezy0 · 27/01/2018 01:02

For fucks sake. Read your Op back to yourself - he's telling you who he is. LISTEN

starray · 27/01/2018 01:16

I wouldn't want joint finances with someone with so much debt (and who is burying his head in the sand about it). I'd just end up liable for his current debt and possibly any future debts he might incur.

user1486956786 · 27/01/2018 01:19

I think if as a couple you cannot agree on your finances, you shouldn't be trying for a baby yet.

Every couple / finances are different so I wouldn't compare yourself to others.

Personally I think it's good for each partner to have their own bit of money for themselves, but I guess it all comes down to how much money is coming in and the outgoings as to whether it's possible (especially when joint children are involved).

If he earns more, I don't see why he has to share every last penny with you. However the £20K debt he isn't trying to pay off would worry me.

My partner earns so much more than me, we don't share money, I have no access to his money but he 100% pays for a lot more for us. I pay for as much as I feasibly can. If I could pay for more I obviously would.

Isetan · 27/01/2018 04:59

You have fundamentally different approaches to money and to partnership. He views your healthy credit score, your home and profit from your future house sale as benefits to him but the same can’t be applied to his earnings. This is who he is and you’ve done an excellent job of sleepwalking into a relationship with a financially feckless and selfish man.

It’s time to wake up and to stop waiting for him to be different. If he’s like this now can you imagine what he’d be like if you were on maternity leave, he’d most probably be very resentful of the greater demands on his money. He obviously has no clue and more importantly doesn’t care, how having a child will effect your career and finances.

Take the TTC blinkers off before you end up forever linked to a man who thinks your partnership is all about him what benefit it is to him.

This is

and if you were to pool your finances or have a child with this man you

joystir59 · 27/01/2018 05:31

Start using contraception now OP and make plans to end this relationship. You will ALWAYS be arguing about money and you should not buy a house with him.