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Original poster

How do you manage finances as a couple?

186 replies

Cici81 · 26/01/2018 18:32

I'm 36, my dp 35 and we've been together around 18 months, living together about a year. We've talked about our future and we've agreed we will get married and are TTC atm on mutual agreement.

After all our outgoings he ends up with £500 a month more than me and I am becoming increasingly resentful. I end up broke towards the end of the month while he is able to buy items for his hobby at between £100-£400 without any discussion with me. He does buy me the odd small thing occasionally and while I appreciate it I feel like they are handouts when we should be a partnership.

Today I suggested that our joint incomes should be pooled together. From that, we take out all joint outgoings (Inc his child support for his dd), make joint savings and split the reminder 50/50 to spend as we wish. I feel this is the only fair option and would absolutely feel the same if I earned more than him.

He said to me he doesn't feel this is fair as there is no incentive for him to go for promotion in September as he wouldn't see the benefit of the extra money. He also asked me how ambitious I am and whether I would ever go for a higher paid job. He enquired as to whether he would keep any money he got if he decided to do overtime.

Now, I don't know what to think. I am tied into a mortgage with my xp that I'm in the process of getting out of. If there was any profit from that (which I think there will be) it would of course go into the joint savings. He has a £20k credit card debt that he is hoping will just go away but I've said that if they came looking for the money we would sort it out together under this new arrangement. He also defaulted on a mortgage several years ago but says that is due to drop off.

Please tell me if IABU. I just think that as a couple we should be working on things together. I don't feel one person should be able to buy themselves extravagant purchases while the other person is broke. Any advice even if critical would be appreciated.

OP posts:
natalie16175 · 26/01/2018 19:41

That's shocking. After we discussed a future together got a house all our wages went into one account everything from bills to food shopping were taken off. What was left at the end was split. I was on a higher wage than him and we weren't married. We dealt with it "what's mine is yours"

WineGummyBear · 26/01/2018 19:42

He said to me he doesn't feel this is fair as there is no incentive for him to go for promotion in September as he wouldn't see the benefit of the extra money

For me, that one sentence screams run for the hills. In my relationship everything is pooled, what's my incentive to go for a promotion? To have more money to improve the lives of everyone in my family. Whether it's music lessons for the DC or new wheels for DHs road bike or something we fancy for the house. We are a team. The idea that someone gets £££ to spend on their hobby while others in the family go without astounds me.

Someone said it upthread, this guy has told you what his priorities are (himself). 10 minutes on the relationships board will show you how this looks 5 years and 2 kids later.

WineGummyBear · 26/01/2018 19:43

Sorry, just realised we are on the relationships board. Ignore my last comment.

Original poster
Cici81 · 26/01/2018 19:44

@LemonShark I am very responsible with my loans so it does annoy me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cici81 · 26/01/2018 19:45

And no, he pays 50/50 towards rent and bills but earns £500 per month more than me.

OP posts:
43percentburnt · 26/01/2018 19:45

So he has 20k cc debt that he is ignoring. At some point bailiffs are going to pitch up at your property. Assuming he is on the electoral register and they get no joy at his mums where the credit cards are registered.

He spends his 500 spare on month on tat for his hobby.

He wants to have security by you buying a house in your name using your deposit money. No doubt reducing his monthly expenditure enabling him to buy more tat that he deserves because he works hard.

He asks if you are financially ambitious.

He won't go for a promotion if you, the women he expects to house him as his credit history is fucked, benefit 50% of his extra salary.

Have you seen evidence that he is paying more than the cms bare minimum to his children?

Do not get a joint account. You will screw your credit history if you link financially to him.

Keep all of your receipts - you need to evidence your belongings when the bailiffs come a knocking.

Don't be daft enough to get a car loan/mobile/bed on credit. He will promise to pay it back. He can afford it, etc etc. You will end up with the debt.

If I were you I'd run a mile. If you were my dd I'd not sleep at night for worrying.

DrRanjsRightEyebrow · 26/01/2018 19:46

Your current situation I would not be looking to pool finances. Once engaged and once we bought a house DH and I set up a joint account. We each pay £X monthly in to it for bills, mortgage, food, petrol and any otger joint expenses. We are both self employed and anything each of us earns above that £X is ours to do what we like with. We might jointly decide on a holiday and book paying half each, or I'll buy a new hoover and he'll give me half. We do make roughly the same per annum but some years I might work my arse off and make more. I reap the rewards for that, I must say. Obv if one of us is hard up for a few months the other will bail out, or if I'm doing well I'll make a household purchase and not ask for half etc, but it's roughly equal and that's how I like it. If I had to stop working for any reason or vice versa then we would work out an alternative arrangement. But even though we earn differing amounts from year to year I would say our earning potential is the same and so our arrangement is fair.

Futureplan · 26/01/2018 19:47

You've mentioned twice that he "buries his head in the sand" and has a mortgage default and 20K that he's doing nothing about.

What does he say when you ask about the debt?....I'd probably rethink the entire relationship if it was me.

Is he equally as irresponsible in other areas of his life?

Christmascardqueen · 26/01/2018 19:50

no no no no no.....don't fall for his shit
he has a nasty attitude! "i won't go for a promotion if i don't see the cash" this is a huge red flag to a lazy assed man. the promotion will mean more pension contribution and more long term safety not just short term gain.
now I've been married forever and neither of us came into the relationship with debt or children so your approach will need to be somewhat different.
he needs to pay his debt, child maintenance, and then 50% of all the bills. then on top of that if he is a higher early with still "free money" he needs to pay for some of the more expensive living costs like home and car insurance.
both of you deserve a little "fun" money

43percentburnt · 26/01/2018 19:51

Oh and if you have a baby you will end up feeling compelled to buy him a new car. His will break, he is the main breadwinner and needs wheels - but can't get credit. You take out loan, he pays for 3 months. Then a shiny golf club, toy train, set of weights takes his fancy. He buys that, you can't afford the loan, you default. You are both financially screwed.

I really hope he hasn't said 'I only ran up the debt because my ex was bad with money'.

Take care of yourself op he sure as hell won't.

Original poster
Cici81 · 26/01/2018 19:52

@Futureplan no he is not equally responsible. This debt and mortgage is not something we can even discuss as he keeps assuring me it will drop off after so many years. I don't know know how he can sleep at night as I certainly couldn't.

His conversation about ambition made me feel like shit. I am a lot more educated than him (and I don't care at all about qualifications)- I just have very low self-esteem.

OP posts:
43percentburnt · 26/01/2018 19:55

He is right, it does drop off his file. But he spent the money! He owes it! He can afford to pay it, why does he think he shouldn't pay it?

Merryoldgoat · 26/01/2018 19:55

OP - why are you thinking about having a baby with this man? Seriously? It will be hell.

Read through this board - so many women further down a road that started where you are in dire straits.

Onlymeeeeee · 26/01/2018 20:02

I'm still just about married to a man who took nearly 12 years to set up a regular payment into the bills account, causing me extreme stress having to beg him to contribute every month. I have had to cover most of the costs of having children, and had no idea how much he actually earned until he was forced to say it in mediation. Don't be like me. If I ever lived with a man again it would only be on the basis that we pooled all our money, and had the same discretionary spends and free time.
Tbh i fully expect to be living with just my kids until they leave home!!

43percentburnt · 26/01/2018 20:04

Oh and I am the higher earner and always have been in our relationship. So I am not biased. When dh was full time I paid for everything bills, food etc and then we were left with about the same each month. He insisted on paying some bills but I honestly didn't care. What's mine is his etc. We both saved for our wedding and honeymoon. Then had joint accounts set up.

Now he is a sahd. We have joint accounts. Savings in his for tax efficiency. I changed jobs for a higher salary and all the extra goes on the kids!

orangetriangle · 26/01/2018 20:07

to be honest im astounded my dd boyfriend has offered to pay dor everything until she gets a job ( dd currently a student) and also to offer to pay more towards bills etc if it turns out he earns more. Even if she doesnt take him up on either of these offers hiw nice and thoroughly decent of him to think this way. So many types of men in this world as this thread is proving. If i were you I would back away fast and yes her bf does do overtime and would never have that attitude

NSEA · 26/01/2018 20:15

My opinion is that if he is so terrible with money then why would you want to pool any together. He has defaulted on a mortgage and has a 20k credit card bill. Debt you seem willing to take on as your own? You are mad! Seriously, create a budget for yourself to stop running out of money and aim to earn more in future as though you’re single. Because from a purely financial position, you’re better off single!

foxyloxy78 · 26/01/2018 20:15

Move on OP. This guy is bad news.

Original poster
Cici81 · 26/01/2018 20:18

@43percentburnt I'm not sure why he thinks he no longer owes it as I sure as hell would think I did!!

OP posts:
lostmyslippers · 26/01/2018 20:21

OP just run. He is NEVER going to change or grow up. It may be hard or it may seem like you have invested time and effort into the relationship...he is not worth it. Having a baby leaves you vulnerable and if you don't have the right support you will be very miserable...believe me it won't be the fairy tale you are hoping for. Please think about this very hard Thanks

Futureplan · 26/01/2018 20:21

You can't have a relationship with someone who is this financially irresponsible.

It doesn't matter if they're the best person ever (and the more you post, unfortunately, the less likely that looks!)

Because at the end of the day you will always have to be in charge of everything, and anything joint will just drag your credit rating down.

If you really want your relationship to work (I say this because personally I think you should just move on and find someone else) then you need to be able to have a serious conversation where he sorts out his debt - if he's unwilling to do that then you need to be willing to leave because if this person is truly wanting to plan a future with you then he would want to sort out this debt as soon as possible.

Snotato · 26/01/2018 20:28

Me and oh have our own company.we each take the same wage each month,most of the direct debits come out of oh’s account,so each month I transfer a couple hundred to his account.i pay for all grocery shopping,kids clothes etc with my card.

Other than the necessities,neither of us spend too much money.obviously if we need new shoes,clothes etc we will get it.
We each like to put a bit of money into savings.

Sorry I’m babbling.
Basically all our money is OUR money,whoever’s account it comes from.
If I don’t have much money in my account,I will take oh’s bank card shopping.if oh doesn’t have much in his,I will transfer some money to him,sometimes he takes my bank card to the pub or to lunch with his friends etc.

I think when you are in a committed relationship,and know you will be together for the foreseeable future,you should share money,or at least make sure he pays more bills etc so you are each left with the same amount,and one of you isn’t always broke.

My sister is always broke,and her dh has about £30,000 in his savings.i just don’t get it.

sorry for waffling on.i have had a few beers.hope I made sense

Cheekyandfreaky · 26/01/2018 20:29

OP leave this man.

Original poster
Cici81 · 26/01/2018 20:32

Thank you @Snotato. It made perfect sense- I just wish I had some!

OP posts:
MrsGrindah · 26/01/2018 20:33

You don’t need to try for a baby- you’ve already got one. A man sized one who is completely self centred , dependant on you and will whinge frequently. I pity the child he has already. Please listen to us and cut your losses