How do you manage finances as a couple?

[Cici81]

I'm 36, my dp 35 and we've been together around 18 months, living together about a year. We've talked about our future and we've agreed we will get married and are TTC atm on mutual agreement.

After all our outgoings he ends up with £500 a month more than me and I am becoming increasingly resentful. I end up broke towards the end of the month while he is able to buy items for his hobby at between £100-£400 without any discussion with me. He does buy me the odd small thing occasionally and while I appreciate it I feel like they are handouts when we should be a partnership.

Today I suggested that our joint incomes should be pooled together. From that, we take out all joint outgoings (Inc his child support for his dd), make joint savings and split the reminder 50/50 to spend as we wish. I feel this is the only fair option and would absolutely feel the same if I earned more than him.

He said to me he doesn't feel this is fair as there is no incentive for him to go for promotion in September as he wouldn't see the benefit of the extra money. He also asked me how ambitious I am and whether I would ever go for a higher paid job. He enquired as to whether he would keep any money he got if he decided to do overtime.

Now, I don't know what to think. I am tied into a mortgage with my xp that I'm in the process of getting out of. If there was any profit from that (which I think there will be) it would of course go into the joint savings. He has a £20k credit card debt that he is hoping will just go away but I've said that if they came looking for the money we would sort it out together under this new arrangement. He also defaulted on a mortgage several years ago but says that is due to drop off.

Please tell me if IABU. I just think that as a couple we should be working on things together. I don't feel one person should be able to buy themselves extravagant purchases while the other person is broke. Any advice even if critical would be appreciated.

Ummm. Well maybe he should see the financial benefits of his harder work if you have the benefits of a lower stress job and have deliberately made that choice. So perhaps equalising everything isn't quite fair where the individual choices made are so binary. Usually things aren't so clear cut. I say that as someone with 'family' finances.

However, IMO it all becomes a bit irrelevant once you are a family and financial priorities become the family. What you have to think about is what his attitude will be then?

I also slightly think as others have noted that in focussing on this mythical £500 you are rearranging the flowers whilst the house burns. You have far bigger questions about his attitude to money and porentially enormous debt to figure out first.

I don't think it would be a very good idea to share finances under these circumstances. Especially with his £20k debt. What plans is he making for that to be paid off. You've only been together a relatively short time. It looks as if you are financially incompatible. If I was just living with somebody I don't think I'd expect them to pool all their monthly income. But I think the fact that he doesn't seem to think that debt is a huge problem would be very worrying.

No mine/yours or 50/50 here. One family, one pot. For big purchases we always discuss how much to spend, otherwise each of us spends as much as needed without ever questioning each other.
OP if it's an annoying thing now, later it's going to become a really big problem. Sort it now before you start a family.

In fifteen years time, you're going to think back to the warnings you've received on here and kick yourself for not running for the hills before you tied yourself to this man.

Do you think me suggesting we have equal money to spend on ourselves every month is fair? I'm beginning to wonder if I'm being a bitch and if he deserves to reap the rewards of his higher earnings which are about 25% more than mine.. Will you think it's fair when you're having to subsidise him because his debtors are (quite rightly) taking every spare penny? Will it be fair when bailiffs are carrying your tv out of your front door? Will it be fair that he gets 50% of the house that you've paid for when you finally go your separate ways but he wasn't willing to put your financial future together before his desire to spend money on his hobby? Will it be fair that you can't sleep at night without worrying about money, but he's sleeping like a baby because he's living in a dream world? Will it be fair that your child won't be able to have the same trips, parties etc as all their friends because every spare penny is taken by creditors, but he's got thousands of pounds of stuff for his hobby?

(he is 2 grades higher although temporarily promoted at the minute so this could change). Yes, it will change. When Huskylover's scenario plays out and his debtors catch up with him, he's required to declare his financial problems and his security clearance gets revoked.

You seem absolutely determined to carry on with this man and have children, despite the absolute financial shitstorm and future financial abuse you're welcoming in the front door. So I would suggest that you start gathering receipts for everything you've bought so you can prove ownership when the bailiffs come knocking. Start preparing a financial plan so that you can budget when you're on the bones of your arse. And get used to making sure that all your doors and windows are shut at all times so the bailiffs can't gain entry without a court judgement.

Thank you for all the comments. Luckily we have bought very little together and for anything I have bought personally, I have receipts. Please understand that I love him and it is not always as easy as ltb.

You've been together all of 5 minutes and you seem desperate to hitch your wagon to this absolute bellend of a man baby who will be the financial ruin of you
Have you considered counselling to work out why you think this is what you need to settle for?

I do have my own problems which might be why I'm 'settling' as people have described it. He put £75 extra in this month towards bills which I do appreciate but then was goading me that things are 50/50 from now on.

I'm in my second marriage and in both marriages any money was "our money" and we had joint accounts. In both marriages it probably helped that this was the way our parents managed money. I have also always earned at least as much as my husband.
To me it's not much of a partnership if one of you wants to have more money than the other and would see the person you loved go without if you could help them.
If my husband decided he couldn't be arsed going to work and wanted me to do all the work whilst he stayed at home I may feel differently, but I suspect I'd end the marriage rather than have separate finances as things would have gone very pear shaped. Different if he had a stroke or something and couldn't work.

I wouldn't marry someone who couldn't manage money. The fact that he is frittering money away whilst being heavily in debt shows he is stupid. I don't find stupid men attractive.

OP with the benefit of hindsight, I would never ever entertain someone who doesn't have roughly the same attitude towards finances as me. It causes so many problems down the line and if you add children into the mix its a nightmare, who pays for what, are you going to be struggling to buy nappies while he's off spending his last hundred on some essential for his hobby?
My ex still comes running to me with his financial woes despite . earning 4 times what I do and still doesn't have a pot to piss in. Its very wearing listening to some manchild in his 50's who still hasn't learned basic responsibilities when it comes to managing money.

He sounds like a twit.

Having said that, I believe in keeping finances separate and yes, I do think if someone earns more money, they should be able to enjoy spending slightly more. My DP and I have reversed roles many times on who is the higher earner (it's currently him) but we've always worked out proportional shares of the mortgage and bills so we each have the same percentage of spending money from our earnings. If we want to buy something together then we either take it out of joint savings, or each put in an amount from our own accounts.

I strongly believe it is incredibly dangerous not to have your own financial autonomy, no matter how in love and how much you think your relationship is forever. I would feel very uncomfortable about not having access to my 'own' account with money I had earned in.