How do you manage finances as a couple?

[Cici81]

I'm 36, my dp 35 and we've been together around 18 months, living together about a year. We've talked about our future and we've agreed we will get married and are TTC atm on mutual agreement.

After all our outgoings he ends up with £500 a month more than me and I am becoming increasingly resentful. I end up broke towards the end of the month while he is able to buy items for his hobby at between £100-£400 without any discussion with me. He does buy me the odd small thing occasionally and while I appreciate it I feel like they are handouts when we should be a partnership.

Today I suggested that our joint incomes should be pooled together. From that, we take out all joint outgoings (Inc his child support for his dd), make joint savings and split the reminder 50/50 to spend as we wish. I feel this is the only fair option and would absolutely feel the same if I earned more than him.

He said to me he doesn't feel this is fair as there is no incentive for him to go for promotion in September as he wouldn't see the benefit of the extra money. He also asked me how ambitious I am and whether I would ever go for a higher paid job. He enquired as to whether he would keep any money he got if he decided to do overtime.

Now, I don't know what to think. I am tied into a mortgage with my xp that I'm in the process of getting out of. If there was any profit from that (which I think there will be) it would of course go into the joint savings. He has a £20k credit card debt that he is hoping will just go away but I've said that if they came looking for the money we would sort it out together under this new arrangement. He also defaulted on a mortgage several years ago but says that is due to drop off.

Please tell me if IABU. I just think that as a couple we should be working on things together. I don't feel one person should be able to buy themselves extravagant purchases while the other person is broke. Any advice even if critical would be appreciated.

I think it would be a huge mistake to tie yourself financially to someone with so much debt and such an unhealthy attitude towards it. That in itself would put me off having a relationship with this man.

However I'm in a minority on here that I'd never join my finances. I do think it's fair for the higher earner to put in proportionally more, e.g. If you both contribute 40% of your wage every month to outgoings, the one who earns more will end up putting in a larger amount because their 40% is being taken from a larger sum of take-home pay.

However, if I was the higher earner, no I wouldn't feel like it was unfair for me to have more spending money left over, or that I should hand over some of it to give us both equal amounts. I wouldn't feel entitled to the other person's money if I was the lower earner. I'd look for a higher paying job if I wanted more personal spending money. If I was planning to marry I'd even go so far as to have a prenup drawn up to ensure finances remained separate, so actually apart from the debt stuff I can see his point. Obviously the cost of non-essential purchases that are for the family like holidays, new appliances, home improvements etc should be discussed and shared fairly but I would take a similar view to him if a lower earning partner felt I should make up for the discrepancy in personal spending money.

OP - do not marry him, do not pay off his debt, do not have a baby with him.

For my ExH and me , I earned more so we put different amounts into a joint pot for household costs and some joint savings, I think one third him, two thirds me. That was fine.

My ExP on the other hand sounds like your boyfriend. He was financially irresponsible - a manchild and cocklodger to boot. He had debts everywhere, couldn’t get credit and didn’t even try and pay anything off . If he had spare money he wanted to get a takeaway, or go out , as a treat , as he deserved it! Once I had debt collectors at the front door which I found scary. ExP didn’t care, just shrugged and said he couldn’t pay. Had a baby with him - he has never paid a penny. He pays no maintenance but wafts in and out as a friendly Disney dad so DD adores him - he’ll get her little treats but that’s it.

Don’t tie yourself to him.

I haven't read all the posts but there are two separate points. My husband and I pay the same amount into our joint account from our wages and then the rest is our own to do what we want with. It's what we think is fair. Secondly, I'd be more concerned with someone who is ignoring his debts and has a history of defaulting on his mortgage whilst simultaneously spending £500 a month on luxuries. He isn't taking responsibility for himself. It's not like he can't pay them, he's just choosing not to. I'd be concerned that you'll end up in long term debt with him.

Do not tie yourself financially to this man. Tell him you can’t afford to live with him, as you can’t afford anything for yourself anymore. Do not open a joint account, I might be wrong but I think this affects your credit score.

His attitude to money is literally childish - he seems to consider himself entitled to nice things because he works for his money and to ignore debts when it suits him - the equivalent of fingers in ears and 'la la la, I can't hear you'. My 12yo will try and get me to buy him fancy pieces of camera equipment 'because he wants them', but even he accepts my no and realises he has to manage with the money he's saved and when it's gone, it's gone. Your boyfriend (sorry, this isn't a 'partner' in any true sense of the word) has that same attitude, without thr acceptance that that's not how the world works. That's what I mean by childish. And he wants to marry you and have a child with you, but thinks that his money stays his, and is happy to see you struggling at the end of the month while he buys expensive stuff (and ignores his debt!). He's treating you like a housemate he has sex with. He doesn't seem to want to take responsibility for or to anyone - not you, not his hypothetical child, not his creditors. That really doesn't make him a good prospect as a father. Sorry.

Thanks so much everyone. I really don't know what to do. I will definitely speak to him about the substantial debt as he will have to take steps to address this with his Creditors. I don't know if debts 'drop off' after so many years as I have never been in that situation and my credit score is excellent. He told me he thinks the bank will not pursue the outstanding mortgage from August next year.

As I said, he also has been ignoring letters that have been sent to his mum's house from the credit card company. He told me that it said something along the lines of that if he paid x amount they would be willing to accept that as final payment of the debt. He is unwilling to contact them about this or seek financial advice as he is hoping it will disappear after a certain amount of time.

Yes, and all this whilst not saving any of the £500 extra he earns than me to pay towards the above! I didn't think of it like that before.

If he’s no paying towards the debt it will be increasing. He’s on a good salary so reasonable chance of money being still sought. He’s being a d*ck.

england.shelter.org.uk/housing_advice/repossession/mortgage_shortfall_debts_after_repossession

We have a joint account, both wages go in and all bills come out. We then account for all the rest of the money and put certain amounts aside for presents, holidays, car insurance, home insurance, nursery fees, DD birthday, going out, clothes etc so we ALWAYS have miney to stuff. We have an agreed figure of spending money each month which is exactly the same.

My dh’s Ex was a bankrupt at 22 just before he’d met her, they married a couple of years later. She’s still useless with money and he’s still having to bail her out eleven years after divorce as otherwise his kids would have been homeless.

Just walk away.

Why would the debts disappear without consequence? If that happens why doesn't everyone just ignore debt?

I would NEVER have a joint account, especially with someone who is obviously has such a laissez faire attitude to spending and debt.

Mumsnet is littered with people who’s partners cleared them out because they knew they’d be leaving before their partner did, or there has consistently been an aggrieved partner because they spent more than the other.

We work out a budget of what our outgoings are, personally are responsible for bills that either equates to half the outgoings or the difference between income and outgoings is divided in such a way that the person paying more has more in their bank to cover it. In this way we both end up with roughly equal disposable income in their individual current account.

Using individual current accounts and this method means there’s no arguments about money and no need to ever discuss what we want to buy. We just periodically reconsider budget and income. Easy and stress free

I agree with pp.. I would never have a joint current account!

Me & DH both work hard for our money his money is his money & my money is mine. Even though he does earn more than me.

We split the bills half down the middle. We do have a joint savings account which we both pay equal set amount into each month. We use that for holidays, anything for the house or kids & We take it in turns to pay for the food shop.

We then spend whatever we each have left however we wish.

I'm very independent & would never rely on DH's income. If we split up tomorrow I would be financially ok. But I learnt the hard way as I have been burnt in the past with regards to money in a relationship.

Same as secondtimemother here.
Joint account we each pay half into for household food car taxes and insurances etc and food shopping.

Then when we pay off a long standing loan in November we will open a joint savings account and pay an equal amount each into that.
Whatever's left over after earnings is our own individual money.

We earn roughly the same mine slightly higher but none the less it works for us.

Dh is and always has been crap with money and I e had to bail out so many times this is the best solution.
We don't own a property together and if I'm honest if we did I wouldn't do it in my name solely so if his credit isn't good enough for a mortgage then we wouldn't get one.
I have a personal savings that I pay into and I'm paying off my car loan seperatly as it's mine and I want to do that.
Don't pool your money with a man owing on a mortgage and a £20,000 debt. Your mad to do that.
And when your equity comes through put it in your own high interest savings account in your name.
Don't share it with him op for god sake

After just eighteen months of dating there's no way I would be joining finances with a person much less trying to have a child with them. It's barely no time at all.

50/50 on the joint bills is the right way to go (excluding his child support and your old mortgage).

If be telling my children to run a mile tbh if their new bf/gf was controlling to that extent.

Debt doesn't just disappear :/ otherwise we'd all just ignore it. If he's decided he isn't paying it back he needs to look into seeking bankruptcy so that it is actually wiped and a fresh start, if he is unable to repay the debt. It'll fuck his credit score but I'm sure it's already fucked.

The worst thing he can do is just ignore it!

I went bankrupt at 24 and it was one of the best things I've ever done, I'd never have been able to climb back out of that hole with the interest on the debt, five years later I'm still working to rebuild my rating but I taught myself money management, budgeting, and haven't accrued a penny of debt since, and have learned to save. My OH is very financially responsible and we are fully transparent with our income, savings and spending as we're a team.

I just wanted to add that after seeing PP state her husbands ex went bankrupt and is still shit with money and being bailed out. Being bankrupt doesn't always mean you're destined to be terrible or irresponsible with money for good, nor does it always guarantee you've been irresponsible or foolish to begin with. For some it's a fresh start they make the most of.

Why is your boyfriend just ignoring his debt? I couldn't be with someone like that. The stress will eat you alive. And i reckon he'll ostrich his way through lots of other difficult life events too.

Given you both have loans, previous commitments and you are complaining about your salary not lasting the month then TTC has to be the worst idea ever. Children cost money and a lot of it.

He "doesn't see the benefit" of going for a promotion unless he gets all the financial reward from it personally to fritter away? Bloody hell. That's a deal breaker for me.

He really is a shit, isn't he?

Whatever the rules on debt repayment, I simply wouldn't be attracted to someone who shirked their financial responsibility. You know that mortgage you're paying? The rate of interest you pay is ever so slightly higher because of arseholes like him who think they're above paying their own mortgage debt.

I'm not talking about defaulters through circumstance - he has £500 to piss away on his 'hobbies' - he should be paying his debts.

But aside from that... He's a bit thick, isn't he? Debts do not 'drop off'. I expect he's got hold of a little information - about statute barred debts. There are rules under the Limitations Act 1980 about how long a creditor can wait before applying for a CCJ. Generally - after 6 years or 12 years for a mortgage, you still owe the money (it isn't written off) but they can't get a CCJ.

So for a start, if he defaulted on his mortgage "several years ago" as you say, I very much doubt the 12 years is up by August. So you have that one hanging over you for many years to come.

Do you want to get hit with a CCJ when you're 8 months pregnant and then find you have to go back to work after 3 months instead of the 12 you thought you could afford?

Next... He seems to have this idea that he's nearly home and dry. He's not. The credit card company are well aware of his debts, hence the letters. If he had saved that £500 a month, he'd be able to pay off those debts for a fraction of the cost by agreeing a settlement payment. They won't just 'give up' They'll have all the appropriate flags on his account. Court costs them money, so they'll offer settlement. They know when they'll be statute barred. The closer he gets to 6 years isn't the closer to them 'dropping off' it's the closer to the CCJ letter landing.

Like you - I wouldn't sleep well at night.

You know his attitude to money:

• fuck the mortgage, I'm not paying
• fuck the credit card, I'm not paying
• fuck my girlfriend, I'm not paying

Why do you find him attractive?

You're a bloody idiot to consider paying off his debts for him. If you're just desperate for a baby, use that money to fund sperm donation and maternity leave.

Debts don't just go away. He will end up with CCJs if he continues to ignore them, and hinder your chances of getting a mortgage together in future. He actually has spare money each month - money he should be using to dig himself out of debt.

He has an appalling attitude to money.

Clearly, your partner can't afford to fund his hobby, so he definitely shouldn't be spending anything on it (or on any other non-essential items) until he's out of debt.

You are still committed to a mortgage agreement with a previous partner.

Until these two things are no longer hanging over you, I wouldn't even think about making this current relationship into something long-term and definitely wouldn't consider starting a family yet!

I find your partner's attitude to his finances very perplexing and it would be ringing very loud alarm bells for me, if I were you, OP.

No no no! The debt will not just “drop off” and they won’t just walk away and not pursue it. Every month more is added. Eventually they will sell the debt onto a company that will pursue you vigorously and any assets will be seized. That includes things you’ve purchased jointly. Do not link your finances with this man!!! For gods sakes...get some proper advice about this stuff. Mortgage arrears and 20k debt and he is bitching at you about finances???!! WTF? Seriously, what are you doing? Sort yourself out. Go live separately until he can prove that all of his debt is cleared or he’ll end up being declared bankrupt and taking you down with him. Oh and the extra £500 per month? What the actual fuck...you say “no hobbies dude until all debts are paid. £500 goes on the credit card” this guy is not a good long term bet. He has no money management skills, false sense of reality and delusions of grandeur. Get out. Get out now. This is not your problem but becomes yours if you get married or have kids with him. There are so many decent guys out there. Want better for yourself.

You mentioned he has a child.

I bet that means there is an ex out there who is sooooooo fucking happy this idiot is no longer her problem!

We have joint finances since we got married but that is by the by. There are different things which suit different people.

Ask yourself this though - what does he think is going to happen to his hobby and his £500 per month when you are on maternity leave and/or have childcare bills? Then decide whether you want to have a baby with him.

fwiw I would not be part of a family with a man who thought his only incentive for promotion was to buy more toys. You have a man child there.

To echo what others have said: do not have a baby with this man, do not join your finances, do not pay off his debt and do not marry him. His irresponsible attitude towards money should be a deal breaker for your entire relationship.

His 20k of credit card debt will not just go away if he ignores it. In fact it’s likely to increase if he ignores it with interest payments, fines and charges from his credit card company.

I get pissed off when he brings up what he wants to buy next while I couldn't afford the luxury.
He can’t afford the next luxury either. He should not be buying things until he has paid off his debt.

He asked how under this arrangement he would be able to afford items for his hobby.

He can’t afford items for his hobby now either. Any money he has left at the end of each month should be used to pay off his cc debt, not but items for his hobby.

Do not buy a house with him either. How lovely for him that you’ll buy a house in joint names which you’ll then have the mortgage on so he has all the benefits, but none of the financial responsibility for the house. It also means that if he decides not to contribute to the mortgage/your joint finances/squanders all your money on his hobby, you’d still be entirely responsible for paying the mortgage and any consequences of not being able to pay would be entirely yours.

£500/month would pay off his debt in 40 months. That’s a long time! 3 years and four months. No way should you pool finances till that’s done.