He tells me what to do

[AnotherMrLizard]

I've been in two minds about starting a thread about this, but I really need some advice.

I've been dating a man for two months now. He's very sweet and kind to me. But he continually tells me how to act. He talks to me like he's my parent, with instructions as to how to behave. For example, he tells me I am not allowed to put my fingers in my mouth. I've been told both not to chew my nails or to pick my teeth. Or we were in a shop the other day when I accidentally knocked something to the floor and he told me it hadn't been an accident and I obviously wasn't being careful enough. He tells me to be quiet when we are watching films (and no, I don't feel that I was talking excessively).

When I try to raise the issue of there being an imbalance of power in the relationship, he immediately becomes very angry and silences me. If I try to explain that he's hurting my feelings, he tells me my comments are manipulative. He also tells me about how he is right to tell me what to do. If I try again to explain my feelings, he always argues another point to win, for example saying, oh so you think I am a terrible person then.

He says it's my responsibility to perceive his actions positively. He says I'm oversensitive.

Am I really just annoying or should he not do this?

Another thing I've noticed is that he is not kind to serving staff. Which I know is a very bad sign.

He says it's my responsibility to perceive his actions positively

He's given me instructions about how I am not to try to take advantage of him by thinking I can tell him not to make comments

It’s not worth bothering to pick apart this behaviour. It’s not simply abusive, it is deranged.

For your own wellbeing I hope you will end the relationship and find someone who is kind, well mannered and worth your time.

177 messages OP and NOT ONE person has advised you to stay with him....

I sent him a message with a list of all the times he's insulted me. It started off with just a couple of things. But then I thought of more and more. And more. I finished by saying I think he should find someone he actually does like.

RUN FOR THE HILLS!!

Sorry just seen your update. Good that you're getting out.

Well done Op .

i hope he is blocked now.

(I don't think it was because he didn't like you, more that he recognised someone he could lord it over. He can fuck right off.)

His behaviour has escalated over time. He was on his best behaviour at first as first impressions are important. Now he's showing his true colours. His behaviour is calculated and will further escalate. He knows exactly what he's doing and he's trying to make it unacceptable for you to tackle the issue.

OP you sound very switched on. I don't think that it's your aspergers making you feel this way. Your gut is telling you there's a problem. Listen to your gut.

You go girl ! And just block u don’t need to hear his crap x

Don't try to explain to him how he's trying to control you. He'll just deny and turn it back on you.

He's controlling, he's super-critical of you, he's abusive. You'd be far better off without him.

If you have this weekend without him then rejoice in your freedom. Block his number. Block his email address. He is not a nice, kind or decent person. He is controlling, abusive and dysfunctional. You can do so much better than this.

Good move op. Do be aware that you are not going to be able to convert him to your way of thinking. Like you say, he is not necessarily conscious of what he is doing. Blocking him is the best way, then you ate beyond his manipulation.

Look at the freedom programme. And also think about how your instincts are good ( your feelings are telling you it's not right), but your head comes in with arguments ( but he's so nice, but I really like him). Your instincts are your friend here, listen to then and act on them. There are some areas of life when it's likely things will not be perfect, like your job for eg. But in personal relationships, really let your feelings guide you.

this is emotional abuse and gaslighting get out of this relationship. I know someone who was in a relationship like thus for 6 months and it made them mentally and physically unwell

Don't bother sending him lists, messages or anything else. 2 months is normally the honeymoon period when people are on their best behaviour. At least hes shown his true colours early enough so you've not got in deeper. Hes an abuser. You are vulnerable and uncertain of yourself. Hes with you for that reason. Block and have no further contact.

He just ignored my message anyway. Wasn't really interested in how I felt.

I've wished him good luck and said goodbye. That's the end of that one then :(

Lucky escape.

AnotherMrLizard..

Honestly, you've had a very lucky escape, maybe you can't see that now but in time you will. Be aware that he may try to hoover you back in down the line? He'll be a changed man, realise his mistake.....but it will be a ruse.....don't fall for it!!!

I hope you find a lovely man: one who respects you, cares about you, and makes you smile.

Well done op

Well done OP.

Dodged a real bullet there.

Next!

My ex was like this. I lived with him for 6 months and it was awful. He had a lot of issues with me and how I did things. He had the issues in actual fact.

Now block him, because men like that are full of ego and he will not like the fact that you have stuck up for yourself.
For future reference, someone who treats you this badly is not lovely. They just aren't.

I was quite happily single before he came along. I wasn't sure about getting into anything, but he was so wonderful that I thought I would try it.

I am pretty sad right now, as I had been starting to develop serious feelings for him. But I think I'll be happy alone again xx

Thanks, everyone xx

Well done you. Now block, delete - you’re well rid of him.

Why the sad face??? You've dumped a controlling wanker-its a good thing. Block him & move on.