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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He tells me what to do

341 replies

AnotherMrLizard · 26/01/2018 15:49

I've been in two minds about starting a thread about this, but I really need some advice.

I've been dating a man for two months now. He's very sweet and kind to me. But he continually tells me how to act. He talks to me like he's my parent, with instructions as to how to behave. For example, he tells me I am not allowed to put my fingers in my mouth. I've been told both not to chew my nails or to pick my teeth. Or we were in a shop the other day when I accidentally knocked something to the floor and he told me it hadn't been an accident and I obviously wasn't being careful enough. He tells me to be quiet when we are watching films (and no, I don't feel that I was talking excessively).

When I try to raise the issue of there being an imbalance of power in the relationship, he immediately becomes very angry and silences me. If I try to explain that he's hurting my feelings, he tells me my comments are manipulative. He also tells me about how he is right to tell me what to do. If I try again to explain my feelings, he always argues another point to win, for example saying, oh so you think I am a terrible person then.

He says it's my responsibility to perceive his actions positively. He says I'm oversensitive.

Am I really just annoying or should he not do this?

Another thing I've noticed is that he is not kind to serving staff. Which I know is a very bad sign.

OP posts:
nightgap · 26/01/2018 18:06

sorry about the typos

Mellodrama · 26/01/2018 18:07

Sorry, I don't mean to offend, but is this real?? Hmm I mean, you seem to be defending him, yet there must be a part of you that KNOWS his behavior is wrong (else you wouldn't have posted here in the first place)?

I get the feeling no matter what replies you read on here, you're going to end up giving him chance after chance? Hmm

Original poster
AnotherMrLizard · 26/01/2018 18:09

That's an interesting hypothesis considering that I've said nothing about continuing a relationship with him. I'm merely examining the facts to make sense of them. Please don't make out like I'm some kind of idiot, because that is simply unkind.

OP posts:
blueskyinmarch · 26/01/2018 18:14

You LIKE this man? He does not sound likeable at all. I can see you have trouble working this out but from the overwhelming response on here i think you can safely say you would be much better out of that relationship. I am sure there is someone utterly lovely out there who will love you exactly the way you are, warts and all. I would just make no further contact with him and move on.

N0tfinished · 26/01/2018 18:14

2 months into a relationship you should be feeling excited, hopeful, happy- a general feeling of warmth & optimism. You're not feeling any of these things! You're feeling anxious, attacked & full of dread. That is enough to tell you that it's not a healthy relationship. You owe him no consideration at all. This is exactly the time that you should end things & move on with your life.

KarenW · 26/01/2018 18:16

I think that you are doing the right thing by examining the facts and make sense of them.. That is exactly how my son (who is an Aspie) has to work things out in social situations and relationships.
You are certainly no idiot, you have taken to asking for advice, and so many have offered it to you. You sound lovely, and it is a travesty that you have been subjected to this controlling behaviour. Do not contact him, tell him that you have CHOSEN not to continue seeing him. Gin

Readermumof3 · 26/01/2018 18:20

Is he your father?! I wouldn't put up with this sort of shit from anyone let alone someone after a couple of months. He will escalate this until you have no idea what's normal and believe everything he tells you. Run.

Onecutefox · 26/01/2018 18:23

It does sound like a father and a toddler daughter relationship. I am an adult so I am right. Listen to your Daddy dear.

Cupoteap · 26/01/2018 18:26

So glad you are taking time out, hope he's permanently gone!

ReanimatedSGB · 26/01/2018 18:26

I also think this inadequate prick has targeted you because you have Aspergers. Men like this (who basically hate women )seek out vulnerabiity; someone they can push around, someone they expect to be able to treat appallingly with no resistance. His previous (and subsequent) partners are likely to be younger than him, perhaps not very well educated, perhaps poor, or with MH issues, or women who have previously been abused, or any combination of the above.

You do not have to accept orders from a man, or criticism, or poor treatment. I advise texting this one along the lines of 'I have decided I do not want to continue a relationship with you (because, frankly, I can do better than a bullying failure like you). Do not contact me again.'

You might omit the bit in brackets if you prefer.

Sometimes an abusive bully will keep pestering you - he may pretend to be nice for a while but it won't last. Sometimes he will just go straight back to bullying, in the hope he can frighten you into obedience. But if you have told him not to contact you and he makes attempts to do so, he can be reported to the police for harassment.

nightgap · 26/01/2018 18:27

make a decision.

listen to your gut feeling

bibliomania · 26/01/2018 18:37

I feel so dreadful about myself.

That's all you need to know. You absolutely should not stay in a relationship that makes you feel this way.

Mrsjellybum · 26/01/2018 18:38

No no no
Run run run

Lettucepray · 26/01/2018 18:39

AnotherMrLizard

You need to look up gaslighting, stonewalling, crazy making, baiting...to name but a few narcissitic techniques, and yes he does know what he's doing, being a narcissist isn't a mental illness, it's a choice....they are the embodiment of pure evil.

Willow2017 · 26/01/2018 18:45

He is being possessive over your bodily autonomy, your behaviour and your opinions. He only wants you to do what he wants not what you want
Why do you think that is?
He wants to control your every move and thought so it doesn't differ from his.
This is not healrhy.

He is waiting for you to realise he knows whats best for you. He is confident you will see the error of your ways and contact him begging for another chance to 'prove' yourself worthy of him.
Let him continue to think that for 50 years.

You dont need a person to police your thoughts and actions. You are your own person.

Greatestshow · 26/01/2018 18:46

Beware he will not like it if/when you dump him. He will tell you you are wrong and will not accept it. I predict he will get nasty so have a plan and stick to it.

Lettucepray · 26/01/2018 18:49

NO CONTACT is the only option OP, oh and you're not stupid, they can fool the best of us trust me!

peanut2017 · 26/01/2018 18:52

Get out now

ptumbi · 26/01/2018 18:54

Oh OP - of course you should be listened to. Of course you should not Need to do what someone else says. You don't need to be 'told'. You are an adult.

I have to say, if he had said any of those things to me, my response would genuinely have been 'fuck right off'. Angry

The fact that you didn't, tells him that he can push these boundaries, push further and further, see how far he can go before he needs to be 'sweet' again. To reel you back in, to thinking he is lovely. (He isn;t)

Get out now; leave him to his controlling ways.

Look after yourself.

youwillbepk · 26/01/2018 18:56

You've done the right thing op, you've trusted your gut and asked other people for advice. Carry on trusting your instinct, you have every right to raise how you feel.

alfagirl73 · 26/01/2018 18:59

Definitely get away from this man. Someone who loves you and cares about you should lift you up - not make you feel dreadful about yourself. You are worth so much more than this.

From what you've said he does sound like an extremely manipulative person and he's playing with your mind so much he's got you on edge and unsure of yourself - that's what he wants. It is not a healthy relationship. End it and give your time to someone who is worthy of it.

Angelf1sh · 26/01/2018 19:05

End it. Block. Delete.
End it. Block. Delete.
End it. Block. Delete.
End it. Block. Delete.

Basically I cannot emphasise enough how much you need to End it. Block. Delete.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 26/01/2018 19:07

It is just as bad if he doesn't realise he is doing it. He is doing it. That's the whole entire problem. He is doing a bad thing that makes you feel bad about yourself.

It matters not one jot if he is being a dick on purpose or just because that's the way he is. It wouldn't even matter if he were right and he is only reacting to you being a useless dick of a woman (I don't think you are btw).

The upshot is that you and he are deeply incompatible and this has come out nice and quickly before you've both wasted too much time and energy.

This is the point of dating. You can't always tell in the first fortnight if they annoy the shit out of you in some ways.

Dump him and move on. The world is full of lovely men who could be compatible with you. Don't waste any more time on this one. Chuck him back in the sea.

sparklepops123 · 26/01/2018 19:08

Aah were all trying to help you lovely,you know what to do,tell him and block. Good luck x

YouBetterWORK · 26/01/2018 19:17

Just lending another voice to the MN crowd of talking sense when I say DUMP HIS ABUSIVE ASS, BLOCK HIM, RUN LIKE THE WIND AND DON'T LOOK BACK!!