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Original poster

Opinions on dp going for drinks with a female friend

227 replies

Lajumelle · 20/01/2018 16:24

I'm just wondering what opinions are on a male dp saying he is going out for drinks with his female friend.

I personally am fuming about it. He knows her from his sports club and they were friends before I met him (we've been together about 18 months). I've never met her which makes it worse, I think. What makes me even more angry is that him and I rarely go out ourselves so I can't understand why he would want to take somebody else out. He swears nothing romantic has ever gone on with her and she is just a friend. To me, the fact it will just be the two of them makes it to much of a date type set-up. How would you deal with this? Should I put my foot down?

OP posts:
Notasperfectasallothermners · 20/01/2018 16:26

Invite yourself. If its platonic he won't have a problem with you meeting her will he?

user1493413286 · 20/01/2018 16:28

I also say invite yourself; I had male friends when I got together with DP and invited him along when I met up with them

FellOutOfBed2wice · 20/01/2018 16:29

I’ve got two very close male friends who far outdate DH. Always see them on their own, just two of us. Nothing romantic has ever happened between me and either of them. Husband has met them both but rarely and certainly never comes out with us. He’s never even hinted that he feels remotely worried about this and until I read this I had never considered that he might.

Original poster
Lajumelle · 20/01/2018 16:29

I was going to do that but it's on a night when I'm not free myself. I don't want to to be unreasonable about this but I'm really uncomfortable with the thought of him going out and if I'm honest, very jealous.

OP posts:
Strongvegetables · 20/01/2018 16:29

I’d 100% call him out on that bullshit.

Others will arrive to tell you they would be happy with it. But it’s ok not to be - I wouldn’t either.

Liskee · 20/01/2018 16:30

Friends before they met and says there nothing romantic? YABU.

You’ve not met her despite being together 18 months? YANBU I think that’s a little odd. Have you suggested that you come too so that you can meet her?

You go out together only rarely? Why? Surely he can go out for a drink with or without you whenever he wants, because he’s a an adult, with his own money? YABU.

BackInTheRoom · 20/01/2018 16:31

@Lajumelle

Hey I'm all for having friends of the opposite sex but just no! Not just the two of them no.

There is such a theory of protecting your relationship by creating boundaries eg no one to one female contact on a night out. Possibly a coffee in the day but not on a Saturday night.

BackInTheRoom · 20/01/2018 16:32

If he proceeds KNOWING you're uncomfortable with this arrangement he is worth kicking to the curb.

Original poster
Lajumelle · 20/01/2018 16:32

@FellOutOfBed2wice I know I should trust him but I think my jealousy has got the better of me on this occasion. I keep thinking about how he hardly ever takes me out these days but can go out with her. He thinks it's a date if me, him and his dd go to the cinema!!

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 20/01/2018 16:32

No, I wouldn't be STFU about my partner dating other women

Don't be a doormat

Butterymuffin · 20/01/2018 16:33

Why do you rarely go out?

It's not so much him going out just with a female friend, it's that he'll make that effort with her but not with me, that I'd have the problem with. I also think that if the rest of the relationship was good, this wouldn't be a problem.

Gemini69 · 20/01/2018 16:34

Go meet your best MALE friend for drinks Flowers

Original poster
Lajumelle · 20/01/2018 16:35

I know he can go out for a drink and spend his money if he wants. That's not the issue though. I have male friends myself but we keep it to a certain level and I would never meet up with them one to one like this. Maybe for a pint at lunch (I probably let wouldn't even do this) but not an evening out.

OP posts:
greenlynx · 20/01/2018 16:36

You need to meet her to see for yourself.

Original poster
Lajumelle · 20/01/2018 16:37

I know somebody is going to say would you have the same issue if it was a male friend. Probably not, I suppose. We rarely go out as he trains most days and doesn't generally drink alcohol.

OP posts:
ElephantsYeah · 20/01/2018 16:37

I can't help thinking that if something was going to happen between them, it would have already given that he's known her longer than he's known you.

My dh has a very good female friend, I once questioned him about it. He scrunched up his face and said "but she's more like a sister". We went to her wedding last September! She's a great friend to both of us now, is completely besotted by our ds and it really wouldn't bother me if my dh and her went out on a night out, met for coffee (which they do, nights out are extremely rare these days with a toddler!) or whatever.

However, if it makes you feel uncomfortable then it might be worth talking to him about it. Ask to meet her as well - you never know, she could turn out to be an amazing friend to you as well. Not all men are philanderers! (Though I appreciate that a lot are!)

Thingsdogetbetter · 20/01/2018 16:37

If that's a date type set up, I've had WAY more dates than i thought i had! Lol

Seriously though he should be able to see friends in whatever set up he wants. If you suspect somethings is going on because of other things fair enough. But not just cos they're meeting one to one.

If the issue is that you're jealous because he doesn't take the time and effort to go out with you then you need to speak to him olabout that. It's only been 18 months. I'd still be expecting date nights and a bit of attention and affection. Hell, it's been 6 years with dh and i still expect that!

greenlynx · 20/01/2018 16:38

And I would be uncomfortable with it too.

BackInTheRoom · 20/01/2018 16:38

You haven't met this friend? Weird?

I think he should cancel because you're uncomfortable with it. I'd also address why you two don't have quality couple time.

So if you put your foot down and he goes out with her anyway, I'd go and sneak a peak because I'd just HAVE to know.

Fentonspike · 20/01/2018 16:38

It’s weird yes.

I think the fact that he sees you as “safe woman who stays at home and doesn’t need taking out” and other woman as “cool interesting person to go on night out with” would fuck me right off

offside · 20/01/2018 16:39

My 2 closest friends are male and predate my DH. I often go out for tea or lunch in the week as I work quite close by to one of them, with them both or one on one where I’m the only female.

My DH has absolutely no problem with it. He met them both a few months into the relationship but that was down circumstance and not planned (we were both out on separate nights out and ended up in the same place) and has since only seen them at our own wedding and one of their weddings (been together nearly 7 years).

I think YBVU and you’re letting your jealousy rule your head. Don’t go down the route of sabotaging his friendships that predate you because you’re jealous, there’s nothing attractive about that at all.

And FWIW both of my male friends had in the past, in or early days of friendship, made a move on me, neither were reciprocated. My DH has always known this but trusts me implicitly. Do you not trust your DP?

Original poster
Lajumelle · 20/01/2018 16:44

I think I do trust him but alcohol lowers inhibitions and I don't know what her intentions are as I've never met her. I wouldn't have the same issue if it was out for a coffee.

OP posts:
offside · 20/01/2018 16:44

Instead of moaning about not having date nights but he’s taking the time to go out with his friend, why don’t you just arrange something? It shouldn’t be either or. You can arrange date nights too.

And I don’t think it’s weird you haven’t met her, I hadn’t met a fair few of my DHs friends until we’d been together for a couple of years and he regularly went out with them, same with me, he met some of my friends for th first time at our wedding.

I think you have control issues.

Dazedandconfuzzled · 20/01/2018 16:44

One of my best friends is a man. He's like a brother. My dh has no issue with me going out alone with him. I have been out for drinks, meals etc loads of times. Even now with me having a family I occasionally meet him for coffee/lunch with my dd.
Men and woman can be friends without it been anymore. So I reckon yabu although if it would put your mind at rest ask yo meet her.

nousername123 · 20/01/2018 16:44

I understand exactly how you feel. I get jealous very easily.
My DP isn't a typical bloke, doesn't watch sport, doesn't like drinking etc. He volunteers with army cadets and a girl from there text him the other day asking if he and I wanted to meet for a coffee at costa across the road from us. I don't really know her and would feel a bit awkward (threes a crowd) and I was already meeting my mum and work friends there so I told him to do what he wants. He met her there and she said hi to me and they had a drink, she got in her car and drove off and he went home. He knows I'm the jealous sort but I trust him completely. I don't trust girls though. He hasn't got many friends and doesn't work through disability so I know it's not fair to cut him off.
Your fella already knew this girl, they probably are just friends. I could understand if he ditched you off to see her but you were busy. I wouldn't worry too much but I do know how you feel. You need to learn to trust him or if you can't trust him ask yourself why. Perhaps do a bit of detective work if you're concerned x