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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Opinions on dp going for drinks with a female friend

227 replies

Lajumelle · 20/01/2018 16:24

I'm just wondering what opinions are on a male dp saying he is going out for drinks with his female friend.

I personally am fuming about it. He knows her from his sports club and they were friends before I met him (we've been together about 18 months). I've never met her which makes it worse, I think. What makes me even more angry is that him and I rarely go out ourselves so I can't understand why he would want to take somebody else out. He swears nothing romantic has ever gone on with her and she is just a friend. To me, the fact it will just be the two of them makes it to much of a date type set-up. How would you deal with this? Should I put my foot down?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 20/01/2018 18:58

You make a telephone call.

Oblomov18 · 20/01/2018 18:59

Dh has got 2 female work colleagues that he goes for lunches and dinners with. I've met them, they are lovely, no jealousy here.

But it's wierd that OP doesn't get taken out anymore. That's not right.

ThePinkPanter · 20/01/2018 19:02

Haven't rtft but these posts always get on my wick. How do you think as lesbians, me and DW manage this? Do you think we shouldn't have female friends independent of each other? Confused

Huntinginthedark · 20/01/2018 19:03

There are lots of sperm donor clinics. It it's straight donation I think it's around a 1000
Depends if you want to do it on your own

Depends how desperately you want them

Depends how angry and resentful you'll feel if you don't ever have the chance because of this dick head

Huntinginthedark · 20/01/2018 19:04

Trust me
I know from experience the regret from the loss of never having a family because some arsehole always said "next year" for 10 years

Thingsdogetbetter · 20/01/2018 19:05

Oh god, now he's a patronising shit as well!! What he's doing is basically telling you you don't eat healthy enough, exercise enough, watch too much tv NOW. And this 'concern' about your body changing is him saying HE won't be happy with those changes!

Even of he miraculously agrees to ttc asap please think long and hard about having a child with this man.

I'm voting for he's a dickhead too.

loveyoutothemoon · 20/01/2018 19:06

I agree, your message at 18.53! Sounds like he's scared of what it'll do your body!

This is getting worse love x

TatianaLarina · 20/01/2018 19:07

my fertility has never been tested and I'm worried as my mum had an early menopause at 36. Not sure if it runs in families

Shit, it does. Happened to my friend and her sister. Literally book an appointment on Monday to get tested.

loveyoutothemoon · 20/01/2018 19:08

Does anyone agree, that what he's actually saying is that HE isn't going to cope with changes?

WhendoIgetadayoff · 20/01/2018 19:10

Just ask if you can meet her. Make a joke of it if want. But if he doesn’t want to ever go out with you why you with him? I have two v close male friends. One of reasons so close as nothing ever between us. These are relations of 25 yrs now. Also I used to work in v male workplace and so have male friends from then.
But that’s said I wanted to meet their girlfriends and they wanted me to meet them - cos female friends can give an insight makes can’t. And I wanted them to meet my DP and past boyfriends. But that’s as we are really close. If it was someone I was less close to I wouldn’t expect to meet his girlfriend but then I wouldn’t see them that much either.
If you partner meeting regularly I’d find iT odd - male or female. If occasionally not worth worrying about.

Offred · 20/01/2018 19:12

Unless you are fully prepared to be a single mum to a child with a lazy and selfish father I think you would be mad to TTC with him TBH.

You don’t need to be with a man at all to have a baby.

SandyY2K · 20/01/2018 19:12

Does anyone agree, that what he's actually saying is that HE isn't going to cope with changes?

I agree. He doesn't want another child at this point in time.

loveyoutothemoon · 20/01/2018 19:18

Sounds like he's being cowardly with the way he's behaving. Serious question here-do you think he really wants to be with you? I can't judge as I don't know him!

LemonShark · 20/01/2018 19:19

It's not desperate to state what you want and expect from a relationship. He can then choose to agree with it or leave. Simple.

I would be very wary of having a child with him at all but I understand you love him and at one point he seemed to want it too (maybe it was just words, though, who knows how his feelings have changed since then?).

I was in your position a couple years ago with my ex of a similar length relationship, though I was only 27. We split. I'm not hanging around for years on end with someone who doesn't want what I do. And fertility only decreases.

I'd tell him it's time to shit or get off the pot, you want to get married (NOT engaged) within the next six months and start TTC a couple months before the wedding. Or if you're happy to risk not being married, you are planning to come off the pill so you can try to conceive as you both agreed you wanted to. If he doesn't want that that's fine, it's over.

You actually have a better chance of meeting someone within the next year, both being on the same page from the start and cracking on with kids than you do hanging around getting less fertile with a guy who just keeps pushing it back, seriously. Even though it's a risk you're at least taking control over your own life and have a chance at what you want. And if you meet someone and it's too late but you both want kids it'll be a relief to you to both be on the same page wanting, and can work together on IVF, adoption, donor egg, whatever it takes. It's better to be in a relationship both desperately ready for kids and struggling than wasting away the months with a partner who doesn't want it as you get increasingly desperate and sad.

Ever month that goes by now takes you further and further away from being able to meet someone and have kids. There will never be a better time to leave and meet someone than today. Time is ticking. Don't let this person hold you back, he could leave you in a few years and then it's too late.

FWIW I left and met my current OH a month later. told him second date I want kids in the next few years. He's as excited for them as me and we have a date set next year when I'm 31, him 27, to TTC (we've been together 18m only but both of our careers mean that's the best time). I can't predict the future, can't guarantee we'll make it, can't guarantee he won't turn out like my ex or that we'll conceive, but my goodness it feels amazing to be with a guy who points out cute babies in the supermarket and talks about our future kids and is excited about it. I could still be with my ex going nowhere with no date in sight and eggs getting older.

You are a grown up, you can take control now and you ought to. It's your life, if you want kids so much don't wait any longer. No man is worth letting go of having a family if it's what you want.

TatianaLarina · 20/01/2018 19:23

I think he was saying was that he couldn’t deal with the changes to his exes body and he couldn’t be arsed to support her with the consequences.

Huntinginthedark · 20/01/2018 19:25

A sperm donor would be 100 % better than this dude.

BattleCuntGalactica · 20/01/2018 19:29

People have platonic opposing gender friendships, it’s 2018 not 1950. 🙄

Caucho · 20/01/2018 19:31

Where are all these men who she can hook up with alternatively though? I’m a man and single, no kids and absolutely am looking for a woman to settle down with, marry and have babies with. But it would be insane to meet a new partner, marry and have kids within a year. I suppose it’s male priceless and I will just have to date someone younger as there is no way I feel I could jump into that level of commitment so soon. I’d actually be wary of men who were willing to do so. Despartion does show and tends to attract sharks rather than fluffy bunny rabbits

NashvilleQueen · 20/01/2018 19:33

I’m single. Have been for years. Not so much as kissed a man for almost three years. I have a number of good male friends. I’ve known one of them for well over 20 years. In that time he’s been married and divorced and remarried. I still meet him for dinner and drinks and nothing happens between us.

I understand the concern but it it would make me really sad if I never get to see them anymore because their wife or girlfriend worries I’m trying to shag their bloke. I would always be happy to have the partner come along though.

AnyFucker · 20/01/2018 19:34

Who said op should find another bloke ? I didn't.

Caucho · 20/01/2018 19:34

Sorry for the typos. Meant male privilege and the other ones are kind of obvious. I’m late 30s btw which puts me off dating people of my own age as they all want to get on with things immediately when it’s not actually sensible. Unless the woman is on the verge of infertility the advice is usually what rush, don’t jump too soon. It’s good advice to me as man but shit for the lady

Thingsdogetbetter · 20/01/2018 19:37

Can we get off the dp meeting female friend issue please. That's the least of OP problems!

Caucho · 20/01/2018 19:37

I know you didnt say that AF but not everyone wants to raise kids as a SP. by design anyway rather than splitting afterwards. It’s inpractical for most people financially unless they have a very well known paid occupation.

Lajumelle · 20/01/2018 19:38

@Caucho I understand your point. However, he was the one saying all this to me within the first 6 months. He made me believe we would marry and have children within a relatively short space of time. Therefore, I don't feel I'm being pushy if I press him on the subject.

OP posts:
userxx · 20/01/2018 19:39

Men say all sorts of things when they have lust coursing through their veins. I always it it with a bucket load of salt.