Opinions on dp going for drinks with a female friend

[Lajumelle]

I'm just wondering what opinions are on a male dp saying he is going out for drinks with his female friend.

I personally am fuming about it. He knows her from his sports club and they were friends before I met him (we've been together about 18 months). I've never met her which makes it worse, I think. What makes me even more angry is that him and I rarely go out ourselves so I can't understand why he would want to take somebody else out. He swears nothing romantic has ever gone on with her and she is just a friend. To me, the fact it will just be the two of them makes it to much of a date type set-up. How would you deal with this? Should I put my foot down?

I've an old friend from my teens, we're in occasional contact still. He's been married, divorced, married again several years ago. Since he retired we've met up a few times for coffee or a quick lunch. Nothing he couldn't have told his wife about but he obviously hadn't. He's quite secretive, always has been.
A few weeks ago she must have looked in his phone messages as she messaged me on social media me asking how I knew him so I told her. She is upset that we contact each other and meet. I told her there was nothing to get upset about and blocked her. WWYD?
If I don't see him again I'll be a little sad but accept it. It's a pity she can't trust him. His family is very important to him and he certainly wouldn't put it at risk.

I can’t think this level of sports would work very well for you if you had a child - he sounds a bit selfish, dull and at best insensitive about what you want.

How much do you want kids? Enough to be on your own a few years down the line after you get fed up of his hobbies? Worth asking yourself. If you’re wanting to hang in there to have children, then sit him down and tell him you’re not waiting any longer.

So it’s not the Olympics...

My husband does triathlons and marathons fwiw, but he’s never trained that much. He will step up training if there’s an event coming up. But he’s a doctor with kids, he doesn’t have time.

This is a choice your DP is making. And it’s more important to him than you or babies. If he keeps moving the goalposts, he’s not that invested in them.

If my partner was treating me like an unpaid skivy and constantly treating me as less important than his hobby, I'd be happy to delay ttc. I'd delay it until I'd dumped him and found a decent partner!

Surely you're not so desperate for a baby that you're willing to have one within a less than loving and supportive relationship with someone who doesn't seem to want what you want: kids and a marraige?

Leave him, let him have a life and friends without feeling quilty please.
You obviously are very jealous and I dont know what events in you life have caused you to be this way but you need to give yourself some time, you cannot be in a healthy happy relationship if you dont trust your partner to have female friends, that is extremely unfair on both of you.
Me and my partner both have friends of the opposite sex, we see them without each other because we trust each other and respect each other.

@AnyFucker thank you. I've wanted children for years but never found the right circumstances. I thought I'd found that with him. If he changes the dates again, I'll have to think about leaving him. Unfortunately when I bring it up I suppose I appear very unreasonable. After all, we've only been together 18 months and I'm crying that I want children. I told him this from the very beginning though. At the start, he went on about it more than me and said how wonderful I was with his dd.

OP, the more you reveal about your relationship, the more I keep grimacing at your posts. No wonder you're worried about tonight. Do you have a sense of foreboding?

I'd reconsider having DC. He is unlikely to change unless he gets a bomb up his arse (you giving an ultimatum and meaning it), and probably not at all. You'll be in the same place with even fewer options, and actually looking after his DC whilst he goes on dates.

You really don't want to settle for this. Not being a bastard is hardly the best you should aspire to.

Unfortunately, i don't think this the right circumstances either. He told you what he thought you wanted to hear and now he is backtracking. Time for a long hard think about whether you are hanging on to his earlier promises despite his present actions.

As per usual, this thread is not teslly about the small matter of your partner gping out for a drink with another female

It never is

If a man is disrespecting you in the small ways, you can bet he is doing the same for the big issues too

I'm being honest here so please don't shoot! I have wanted a child for years and when I met him I thought he was the answer to my prayers. I would never trick him to get pregnant but I can't wait much longer. I'm 36 and feel I've left it too late to form another relationship that would result in children. I wouldn't care raising a child on my own as know he would be involved as he is with his own DD. I'm well aware this sounds so desperate.

*really

Oh dear

One of the issues is that you seem to depend on him for your social life. You do need to get a hobby or socialise independently of him.

If this is how you are now, it'll be much worse when you have kids. He'll be doing his hobby and you'll be stuck home with the baby and become resentful.

As she is a friend he knew before you, I wouldn't have an issue with him going for a drink with her.

If he's going to cheat on you .. he will.

Just don't have all your fun centred around him and be sure he actually really wants a child before you waste valuable time.

Sounds like ultimatum time. Although I am never in favour of forcing anyone to do anything. If it's not happening where you jointly want it as much as each other, it shouldn't be happening at all.

If you have to twist his arm...what is the point ?

Dump him and do it alone with sperm donation

It’s absolutely fine to feel like that OP. Many women your age feel the same. They think

The trouble is I don’t know if he’s going to come up with the sperm.

I also wonder if he’s lining this other woman up to jump ship.

In which case you have nothing to gain by hanging around.

@MsPavlichenko an ultimatum might work with him, but I'm not sure I would have the heart to do it. Today he was testing the waters about buying a £4,500.00 bike for himself (we have no money. He said his dad would probably give him the money as his dad had given his two brothers money, one for his wedding and one for starting up his own business. It made me so angry. What about the wedding/children he promised me? I said it was up to him but it would show what his priorities were.

Nothing wrong with saying right at the beginning you want marriage and kids. I told dh on our first date. He looked a little shocked. I'd been with someone for two years who never wanted marriage and kids so wasn't going to be wasting any more time.

Maybe now isn't the time to discuss given the friend situation but don't let any more time go. And get married first.

If you are prepared to be a single parent, you'd be better looking at alternatives. Sperm donation, or a non biological route.

He is a rotten partner, so I doubt he is much of a parent. "Being involved" isn't saying a great deal.

It's not going to happen, love

Let him get on with dating other women and get yourself out of the game.

Time's'a'wastin'

I would trust him and not stress about it, DH has several female friends sometimes he sees them one on one, I totally trust him. But early on in our relationship one of them started to exclude me and ask him to meet up just the two of them. I put my foot down and she hugely overreacted. We had several mutual friends and it caused DH to lose friends and changed our friendship group. Looking back I wish I'd let him meet her that time but spoken to him about pulling back from the friendship gradually. I guess what I'm saying is just go with it and if it's not a regular thing and she's not inappropriate then don't stress.

Having said all that it doesn't sound like you are very happy, don't put up with second best and waste your life - you can start again with someone else

I must admit I’ve changed my view on male friends as time goes on

I did have male “friends” who had asked me out and I’d turned them
down

and for a few years, sure, we did lunch and dinner and trips out based on similar interests. I found they were easy to socialise with, it’s hard to meet new people etc.

But after a while I realised there was a lot of resentment/denial/delusion in these interactions - it was like I assumed because I’d turned them down/didn’t find them physically attractive and had expressed that, that was the end of it.

But it was like emotionally they were “goalhanging” - sort of “waiting their chance” and seeing our interactions as “pseudo- dates” rather than being genuinely interested in platonic friendship

They weren’t creeps, but it was like every now and then they’d feel the need to let me know they were “available”.

I think some of them saw me as more physically attractive than the kind of woman who would date them, and it was like they resented me for it?

In future I don’t think I’d have a male friend (someone I wasn’t attracted to) unless I knew for sure they were in a good solid relationship AND I met and got in with the partner so I was a “friend of the marriage”

Or maybe some shared professional or academic background

Otherwise it’s just too complicated and potentially messy

@YearOfYouRemember I told him right at the start too and also said that I'd wasted 8 years on someone who had just strung me along with empty promises. He swore he would never do this. Am I being too pushy after 18 months though? His previous lines used to be 'we've only been together 6 months', 'it's been less than a year' but he can't say that anymore.

Please don't get accidentally pregnant on purpose. It's not fair on anyone including the child. It sounds a horrible relationship with him not being arsed and your jealousy issues.