Opinions on dp going for drinks with a female friend

[Lajumelle]

I'm just wondering what opinions are on a male dp saying he is going out for drinks with his female friend.

I personally am fuming about it. He knows her from his sports club and they were friends before I met him (we've been together about 18 months). I've never met her which makes it worse, I think. What makes me even more angry is that him and I rarely go out ourselves so I can't understand why he would want to take somebody else out. He swears nothing romantic has ever gone on with her and she is just a friend. To me, the fact it will just be the two of them makes it to much of a date type set-up. How would you deal with this? Should I put my foot down?

He doesn't sound ready for children, he's hardly spending enough time with you is he?

18 months when you’re both in the 35-40 range is long enough in my book - you have been clear from the outset. I wouldn’t do any more waiting and seeing personally.

I’m so sorry you got strung along for so long and this DP feels like he’s doing the same - maybe he eventually wouldn’t mind but it’s an awful gamble, there is always another sporting event to train for.

Has your fertility ever been tested ?

You may not have much time left to gamble with

You're not being too pushy but honestly, you can do better than him. He's putting himself before you = going out with a friend when he doesn't make time for you and wanting to buy a £4500 bike when that could pay for a marriage ceremony, extra maternity leave etc.

Have the talk, cut him loose.

@Bringondrunkfeb thanks for your comment. The thing is that I do love him and would miss him but he has definitely strung me along to a certain extent. I mean in the first 3 months he said he would be 'delighted' if I fell pregnant. Now I feel like I'm waiting for his permission to come off the pill.

Oh dear, the more I read the more he seems to be taking you for granted. The female friend is not the main issue, but it does seem to have highlighted a lot of others with this relationship. Sounds like your gut instinct is telling you this relationship is not right. You can do a lot better than this, please don't waste your life waiting for things to get better.

Absolutely what AF says about your fertility, OP. You keep letting him move the goal posts because, in your own words, you're 'desperate for children'. He hasn't committed to you and you're hanging on his ever word because you have your eye on the end 'prize' of children.

I know you won't like this but your 'D'P seems to be testing you with his female friend, ie. 'you kick off about this and I'll move the goal posts' again - rinse and repeat and you'll be too old to have children if you put up with this. Believe me, this woman is NOT your problem and you don't need to meet her - your so-called partner is your problem. Deal with him.

I would be mentally looking for my Plan B that doesn't involve him. Start looking at him with an objective eye because it may be, years into the future, that you look back and thank your lucky stars that you didn't have children with this clown. He isn't putting you first. He's not going to suddenly start doing that, is he?

Get out whilst you still can

@AnyFucker my fertility has never been tested and I'm worried as my mum had an early menopause at 36. Not sure if it runs in families. If I issue an ultimatum how do I broach it without appearing 'psycho'? I don't want him feeding bad reports of me back to his family.

Ps he said he was only joking about the expensive bike but I know he was testing my reaction.

Yes he’s completely shifted the goal posts, I also think you should trust your gut.

That said, assuming he’s sincere and has just developed a single track mind about his sports recently, say you’ll be happy to go to the registry office as soon as it can be sorted but you want to start ttc straight away, after all, it’ll take time to conceive and have the baby.

If his dad really will give him the money for the bike and it’s not part funded by you, then that doesn’t have to be a concern at all.

I still think he sounds like he’s mucking you about though.

Oh who cares what his family thinks about your ultimatum? It’s none of their business really.

YES menopause absolutely runs in the family, there's a high chance it will happen the same as it did with your mum. Please get a fertility test!!! I had one done at 38 and my eggs were dramatically decreasing!

Who cares what his family say ? What business is it of theirs ? Why is it "psycho" to lay out your case ?

I have changed my mind about giving him an ultimatum. You haven't got the balls to see it through, I don't think (meant kindly)

My advice to you is to walk away with your dignity intact and get googling sperm donation centres. And speak to your gp about having tests to check your ovarian reserve.

Cross posted with moony there. Great minds.

Testing your reaction is game playing. And saying he was 'joking' is manipulative. He sounds like he'd put quite a bit of thought into how to finance it for it to be a joke. What else will you be expected to accept because he says he was only 'joking'?

Early menopause can run in families, but don't panic. My mother and sister had very early menopause, but I'm 49 and no sign of it yet.

Perhaps get yourself checked and then you can decide if moving goalposts, lack of effort and reaction testing jokes are something you can put up with.

It gets worse. He complains about you to his family? Or else he's got you thinking he might,

He has all the control here. You are worrying about his reaction , and that is preventing you saying what you think/want. That's worrying, especially this early in. You have said yourself that you are aware he is testing you, and you are already modifying your responses.

Please think very carefully about what you want for yourself. And any DC.

OP... do you really think an ultimatum of any kind is going to deliver a happy relationship and contented life for you? FFS!

I can see it:
OP: "I want to come off the pill now"
DP: "You can come off in the Summer and we'll get engaged then too(neglecting to say which one)
OP: "Ooh, ok that's fine"

OP: "I want to come off the pill now, you did say"
DP: "Well we're not getting on as well as we should so I want to wait. Let's leave it till Christmas (neglecting to say which one)

2019 comes and goes... 2020 brings news - DP's not ready for a baby just yet. OP has sunk many years into this so... what's another year?

Don't let this be you, OP.

I don't believe in ultimatums. I set a timeline in my mind and if I don't get what I want... I just leave.

Ultimatums arebt good...because it gets thrown back at you.

"You wanted the baby..so you wake up...you stay in...leave me alone etc

18 months may be seen as too soon to decide on marrying someone tbh. The problem comes that as women get older..the clock ticks and sorry to say..desperation creeps in.

Your desire to be a mother makes you overlook any flaws.

Please think carefully and look at any issues you really aren't happy with...because they'll still be issues if and when you have a child together.

anyfucker moony!!!!

Thanks so much for all the advice. I think I'm going to have to press the matter of TTC whether I sound desperate or not. I also notice that recently he's been saying things like 'if you want this baby you'll have to... eat healthier, exercise more, not watch so much TV etc etc etc.' Also told me about how my body will change when I have a baby and whether I can deal with that because of his 'extensive'(sarcastic) experience with his dd's mum. I told him to stop being so patronising and that while I didn't have children I wasn't stupid.

Come on now. Don't over egg it.

Ok i wasted all of my fertile years with someone who changed the goal posts all of The time and now I will never had children

run like the wind. You're 36 you could meet someone and be pregnant and happy for by 38, but this man is not the one.

You're ultimatum needs to be:
I want to start trying for a child now and if you don't want to I'm out. There is not other ultimatum, because it'll be another 6 months then another year. Rinse and repeat and the you'll be approaching 40

@AnyFucker how easy is to to find a sperm donor? Just to make it clear to everyone I was never using my dp as a sperm donor but exploring options if we break up. I do love him but feel he has deceived me and will continue to do so. He knows about my mum's early menopause btw and I've said how I'm worried it will happen to me.

Your 18:53 message just makes me want to say, leave this dickhead.

Worse and worse. Gaslighting you already. You need to Get Rid. I expect his XP would have a similar story to tell.