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Original poster

Opinions on dp going for drinks with a female friend

227 replies

Lajumelle · 20/01/2018 16:24

I'm just wondering what opinions are on a male dp saying he is going out for drinks with his female friend.

I personally am fuming about it. He knows her from his sports club and they were friends before I met him (we've been together about 18 months). I've never met her which makes it worse, I think. What makes me even more angry is that him and I rarely go out ourselves so I can't understand why he would want to take somebody else out. He swears nothing romantic has ever gone on with her and she is just a friend. To me, the fact it will just be the two of them makes it to much of a date type set-up. How would you deal with this? Should I put my foot down?

OP posts:
offside · 20/01/2018 16:46

It doesn’t matter what her intentions are, you either trust your DP or not.

And I’m sure if either of them wanted something they could’ve quite easily done it when he was single, not sure why the dynamic of their relationship suddenly changes because he’s in a relationship. That’s always on odd one to me.

Original poster
Lajumelle · 20/01/2018 16:46

@offside I do suggest date nights but he rarely has free time between training and seeing his dd.

OP posts:
offside · 20/01/2018 16:50

Maybe you should put a date in the diary, even if it’s a few weeks in advance, and stick to it and do this regularly. And if he says that he can’t because he doesn’t know if he has anything on (training/DD) then you’re response should be that he obviously doesn’t have anything else on as he wouldn’t know.

We have a DD which means that we both go out separately with our friends more than we do with each other, but we still wouldn’t have an issue with us both having our own time.

Do you have any other issues in your relationship?

demirose87 · 20/01/2018 16:51

Yanbu if he doesn't take you out also. I wouldn't like it x

timeisnotaline · 20/01/2018 16:51

I would be fine with this and DH vice versa - we have been together 15 years and have both in the last 4 years gone out/ drinks with friends of the opposite gender the other hasn’t met. However, the bit where he couldn’t be bothered going out with me I would NOT be fine with. I’d organise something and point out if he can be arsed organising going out with friends he had better put some effort in with me too, or expect discontent.

PNGirl · 20/01/2018 16:57

I think I'd be fine with a female friend who predated me, to be honest. Not so much brand new shiny friends or. colleagues.

TatianaLarina · 20/01/2018 16:58

If you went out a lot the two of you and he wanted to catch up with an old friend on a night you weren’t free, ok.

But he’s basically going on a date with her but not with you.

Hernameisdeborah · 20/01/2018 16:59

I have a good male friend who I meet with for drinks and a burger once a year. My husband and I went to his wedding last year. He's one of the few friends I have, sad as that sounds, and I really do value that contact with him however infrequent. The good news is your partner has told you who he is meeting, he's not keeping her a secret from you. As others have suggested,arrange to meet her too some time , and damn well make sure you and he go out soon too. If he's treating her better than he's treating you, then he's an arse.

Butterymuffin · 20/01/2018 16:59

We rarely go out as he trains most days and doesn't generally drink alcohol.

There are other things to go out for than alcohol. Would he not want to go out for a meal, go to the cinema, go to a pub quiz (drinking a diet coke) even?

de I do suggest date nights but he rarely has free time between training and seeing his dd

So basically he doesn't have time for a relationship with you. You're just conveniently fitting in around his priorities.

I wouldn't want to carry on like that. Do you live together?

Quartz2208 · 20/01/2018 17:02

I have a good male friend from University - nothing has ever or will ever happen and we often went for dinner just the two of us. He has moved abroad but when he comes back to the UK to visit I usually manage to fit in seeing him for lunch.

She is not your problem - her intentions towards him are immaterial.

But he has managed to find time to fit in to see her but cant you - that is the problem to me.

BackInTheRoom · 20/01/2018 17:03

It's funny. Before I was spectacularly betrayed, I trusted my DH implicitly and would have had no problem him going out in the context of this post but not anymore. My eyes have been opened!

I wonder how many of you saying you would be fine with it, have been cheated on my their DH or DP's?

Mycashybear · 20/01/2018 17:05

My best friend is male and predates my DH. As for anything going on eww that would be like messing around with my brother.
He has told you about it highly unlikely anything is going on but it would be nice for you guys to meet.

Bluntness100 · 20/01/2018 17:11

Well, behaving like this you're putting the idea in his head and making her thr forbidden fruit, she predates you, she's a mate, if they want to be together they will. It's thats simple. He doesn't have to be with you. He doesn't have to be honest with you. He can go with her without going on a date. Pissing him off and trying to prevent him seeing his friends is the fastest way to end a relationship. Even if her and him remain no more than mates, your lack of trust and desire to stop him going out with his friends is a relationship killer, and jealousy is deeply unattractive. He's not going to be looking st your right now and thinking cor what a catch.

As others said, you either trust him or you don't. Her intentions are immaterial. It's his intentions and his trust here that's critical. He has the ability to say no.

Original poster
Lajumelle · 20/01/2018 17:17

Thank you everyone. I think that in general my mind has been put at rest. I won't say he can't see her but will suggest we all meet up soon so I can meet her. My main concern was that she's single but I suppose as others have said, he could have got together with her when single and didn't.

My main gripe is probably with our lack of dates. We watch TV at home when he gets back but that's about it. Yes, we live together. I'm going to have to speak to him about his lack of attention to me.

OP posts:
BackInTheRoom · 20/01/2018 17:21

@Lajumelle

So you're not happy, he knows you're not happy but he's still going anyway? Nice boundaries.

hollyisalovelyname · 20/01/2018 17:25

OP
He's not treating you very well is he ?
You very rarely go out on a 'date'
You fit your life around his.
That's not great I think.
Do you mind my asking what age are you both?

MeadowHay · 20/01/2018 17:34

I think the problem is that he seems not to make any effort at your relationship, which is you feel resentful about him going out for a drink with someone else, which he can somehow find time to do, when he simultaneously has no time/energey/desire to take you out for a drink and a nice time. I would be upset about that too.

I wouldn't be upset about my DH meeting up with a female friend one-on-one for a drink and nor would he be upset about me being with a male or female friend one-on-one for a drink (I'm not heterosexual). We trust each other and have no reason not to. But I think that might not be the real issue here.

AdaColeman · 20/01/2018 17:35

He doesn't sound much fun, especially so early in the relationship. He seems reluctant to make time for you in his life, but makes time for other women.

I'd be looking long and hard at what I was getting out of the relationship.

loveyoutothemoon · 20/01/2018 17:35

I'm not surprised that you're pissed off that he's going out with a friend when you never go out, but I'm surprised that you've never met her!

I also think that if it's an old friend from before you met, if he was interested in her something would've happened a long time ago.

You need to trust him I think.

AnyFucker · 20/01/2018 17:37

He sounds fucking boring, actually

How much of a gym hound is he ? Does he have one of these famous "MN man hobbies" that turn them into complete twats ?

TheNaze73 · 20/01/2018 17:37

She predates you, she’s single, they’d have got together if they wanted to. He’s choosen to be with you. I would hate for a new partner to tell me who I can & can’t see.

Redwineistasty · 20/01/2018 17:40

I’m struggling to see what the problem is?.... If they’re just friends then nithing’s going to happen. But if something was to happen then good riddance surely?

Original poster
Lajumelle · 20/01/2018 17:42

@MeadowHay I agree that this may be the main issue and why I'm so angry. I'm 36 and he's 35- we've been together about 15 months and have lived together for a year.

I have to say that in the first few months it was all hearts and flowers but that has changed. The main time he is really affectionate is when he cuddles me in bed all night(I'm not talking sex here!). It's true that I fit my schedule round to suit him although admittedly I don't do much with my spare time and don't have hobbies many friends. This seems to result in him thinking his time is more important than mine eg if he's out training I should be responsible for the majority of housework/cooking.

OP posts:
BackInTheRoom · 20/01/2018 17:42

If your relationship was rock solid you'd probably be a bit 'meh' about him going out with her tonight but your relationship is not rock solid and might be fertile ground for him to be intimate with someone else.

I'd suggest to him to invite her round to yours for drinks and nibbles instead and interrogate her!

yetmorecrap · 20/01/2018 17:43

I think the fact he is open about it means rarely is there something to worry about. When my DH was being a twat with an EA , these little very occasional meet ups were never mentioned , found them in diary on an old phone. I wouldn't worry, but I would make it clear if he has time to meet up with her, he has time to take you out.