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Original poster

Opinions on dp going for drinks with a female friend

227 replies

Lajumelle · 20/01/2018 16:24

I'm just wondering what opinions are on a male dp saying he is going out for drinks with his female friend.

I personally am fuming about it. He knows her from his sports club and they were friends before I met him (we've been together about 18 months). I've never met her which makes it worse, I think. What makes me even more angry is that him and I rarely go out ourselves so I can't understand why he would want to take somebody else out. He swears nothing romantic has ever gone on with her and she is just a friend. To me, the fact it will just be the two of them makes it to much of a date type set-up. How would you deal with this? Should I put my foot down?

OP posts:
Original poster
Lajumelle · 20/01/2018 17:44

@AnyFucker he has training in one form or another everyday, sometimes just for an hour and at other times for three hours. I called him out on this schedule and he now does his cycling and strength work I'm the house so that way I get to 'see him more'.

OP posts:
BackInTheRoom · 20/01/2018 17:45

I have to say that in the first few months it was all hearts and flowers but that has changed

Limerence?

loveyoutothemoon · 20/01/2018 17:50

You've got no ties, there's absolutely no reason why you can't spend regular time together. I wouldn't want to be with someone that doesn't want to spend time with me.

loveyoutothemoon · 20/01/2018 17:51

You've got no ties, there's absolutely no reason why you can't spend regular time together. I wouldn't want to be with someone that doesn't want to spend time with me.

Original poster
Lajumelle · 20/01/2018 17:51

@Bibbidee possibly. I also admit I'm desperate to have children and may be putting up with more than I would have otherwise. This latest thing has made me feel so insecure about everything.

OP posts:
MyBrilliantDisguise · 20/01/2018 17:51

There's more to your life than living with a man who has a child and goes on dates while you just sit and watch the TV, OP. Start to think how you'd like your life to be.

BTW please don't say you are babysitting his daughter while he's on that date.

Viviennemary · 20/01/2018 17:51

Do you live together. I don't really like those 'friends' type dates where only two people are involved. But I think it's quite often fine. So it all depends on the individuals involved. However, if he rarely takes you out but is taking out somebody else this just isn't on under any circumstances.

loveyoutothemoon · 20/01/2018 17:51

You've got no ties, there's absolutely no reason why you can't spend regular time together. I wouldn't want to be with someone that doesn't want to spend time with me.

MyBrilliantDisguise · 20/01/2018 17:51

There's more to your life than living with a man who has a child and goes on dates while you just sit and watch the TV, OP. Start to think how you'd like your life to be.

BTW please don't say you are babysitting his daughter while he's on that date.

Original poster
Lajumelle · 20/01/2018 17:51

@Bibbidee possibly. He's not a bastard by any stretch of the imagination but certainly a far cry from his promises in the first 6 months about marriage and children.

OP posts:
loveyoutothemoon · 20/01/2018 17:53

You've got no ties, there's absolutely no reason why you can't spend regular time together. I wouldn't want to be with someone that doesn't want to spend time with me.

loveyoutothemoon · 20/01/2018 17:53

Whoops sorry about that!

TatianaLarina · 20/01/2018 17:53

this seems to result in him thinking his time is more important than mine eg if he's out training I should be responsible for the majority of housework/cooking.

That’s not because you don’t have hobbies but because he’s a sexist twat who think housework is woman’s work.

If you do it for him he has more time for training.

After 18 months, you do all the housework and cooking, you mainly watch TV, rarely go out on dates because he doesn’t prioritise you, yet he found time for this other woman.

Surely life should be better than this?

TatianaLarina · 20/01/2018 17:54

this seems to result in him thinking his time is more important than mine eg if he's out training I should be responsible for the majority of housework/cooking.

That’s not because you don’t have hobbies but because he’s a sexist twat who think housework is woman’s work.

If you do it for him he has more time for training.

After 18 months, you do all the housework and cooking, you mainly watch TV, rarely go out on dates because he doesn’t prioritise you, yet he found time for this other woman.

Surely life should be better than this?

Offred · 20/01/2018 17:54

I don’t think this is about her at all TBH. It’s about how he is not making any effort in your relationship and just letting it coast.

You are fixating on the fact she is a woman and this is making you feel ‘why is he making an effort with her but not me when I’m supposed to be his girlfriend?!’

It doesn’t mean he has romantic intentions, it could mean that, but it could equally mean that actually he is prepared to make an effort to have fun with friends but he’s lazy and boring at home.

Her being single is neither here nor there. The issue is him and the quality of your relationship.

I do think it is a bit weird that you are living together and have been together 18 mos without meeting her even in passing - is there an actual reason for this?

I would try and avoid making this about jealousy or trying to control his social life as that’s not really the issue, if he wants to pursue her he will no matter whether you kick up a stink about him going to meet her. It’s about the fact you feel your relationship has got really stale and he doesn’t make any effort, this has just highlighted that by showing you that for people other than you he’s willing to make an effort.

TatianaLarina · 20/01/2018 17:54

What’s he ‘training’ for anyway at 35?

Original poster
Lajumelle · 20/01/2018 17:54

@MyBrilliantDisguise no, definitely not. I'm not that much of a pushoverWink

OP posts:
Offred · 20/01/2018 17:54

I don’t think this is about her at all TBH. It’s about how he is not making any effort in your relationship and just letting it coast.

You are fixating on the fact she is a woman and this is making you feel ‘why is he making an effort with her but not me when I’m supposed to be his girlfriend?!’

It doesn’t mean he has romantic intentions, it could mean that, but it could equally mean that actually he is prepared to make an effort to have fun with friends but he’s lazy and boring at home.

Her being single is neither here nor there. The issue is him and the quality of your relationship.

I do think it is a bit weird that you are living together and have been together 18 mos without meeting her even in passing - is there an actual reason for this?

I would try and avoid making this about jealousy or trying to control his social life as that’s not really the issue, if he wants to pursue her he will no matter whether you kick up a stink about him going to meet her. It’s about the fact you feel your relationship has got really stale and he doesn’t make any effort, this has just highlighted that by showing you that for people other than you he’s willing to make an effort.

Firenight · 20/01/2018 17:55

I go out for dinner and / or drinks with male friends regularly. It’s no different to me doing out with female friends really. My husband hasn’t met them more than once or twice but he wouldn’t dream of stopping me having an independent social life, just as I wouldn’t stop him.

mumof2sarah · 20/01/2018 17:56

I don't think it would bother me at all my DP meeting a female friend for a drink/meal etc as I have male friends and my DP is fine with me doing the same with them. I would want to have met them though tbh x

Original poster
Lajumelle · 20/01/2018 18:01

@TatianaLarina triathlons and his first Half Iron Man this year. He lost 6 stone about 5 years ago and sees this as his last chance to compete.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lajumelle · 20/01/2018 18:04

He actually talked about us holding off TTC until September this year when his season had finished. This moved from is agreeing to me coming off the pill at Christmas 17. He constantly changes prearranged goalposts and I let him for a quiet life.Blush

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 20/01/2018 18:05

I bet you wash his kit for him

starzig · 20/01/2018 18:05

Are you trying to drive him away? You really need to control that jealous streak. If a man tried to stop a woman seeing her friends (male or female) there would be mumsnet outrage.

AnyFucker · 20/01/2018 18:06

Hmm. Be careful you don't let your fertility slide for this man.