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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Fiancé came home and told me to leave

416 replies

iwalyw · 19/01/2018 22:41

My fiancé (together for 16 years) came home from work tonight and told me to leave. I had zero idea that anything was wrong but according to what he has said (very little) my personailty has changed a little and he no longer loves me. That is litterally all he will say apart from he just wants to be single.

I asked if there was anyone else and of course he said no, I said there must be a reason to go from a happy long term relationship to not loving me and wanting me out in the space of a work day. He just keeps repeating thr same things. Single. Personality (though he wont tell me how I have changed just that I have)

I asked if we could talk about it and try to make whatever is wrong right. He said no. He has just finished booking me a flight back to my family. I will be leaving at 9am. After 16 years this is how it ends? I have no idea how to process all this. No idea where to start. I feel sick. I would understand if he had come home to find me in bed with someone, but I havent done anything wrong and he is treating me with so much hate.

Yesterday we we planning to book a meal for tonight thats how normal everything was. He went to work and came home and did this.

Please help me understand.

OP posts:
ConfusedButInLove · 19/01/2018 22:43

I am so sorry. I hope you are okay in time.
Do you have children together?
Do you get on well with your family he is sending you to?

ATeardropExplodes · 19/01/2018 22:43

Get out of there and thank goodness you didn't marry him. Have you got somewhere to stay?

Pancakeflipper · 19/01/2018 22:45

He cannot make you get on the plane. Could you stay with friends?

sounds like hes decided it's over, is he on of those who cuts people/things out of their life instead of dealing with it.

VetOnCall · 19/01/2018 22:47

My god you poor thing, what a shock. First off though, who owns your home or whose name is on the deeds if it's rented? I wouldn't be leaving my home on his out of the blue whim anyway but especially not if it's jointly owned or rented. He can shove his flight up his arse. Where do you live now and where are your family? If he wants to be single tell him he's free to leave but don't be forced out of your home.

Caprinihahahaha · 19/01/2018 22:47

You haven’t done anything wrong - it’s him

What do you want to do? Where do you want to go?

Original poster
iwalyw · 19/01/2018 22:48

I have nowhere else to go apart from my mums house 450 miles away. I dont even have time to pack much because it is so out of the blue. 16 years of my life. I cant pack all that away in a few hours. He could have given me a few days to process this and to pack

OP posts:
WallisFrizz · 19/01/2018 22:48

You poor thing. I would say don’t be rushed. Do you want to get on a plane, if not don’t.

Can you legally stay in this county? If you can, consider your options/finances.

Like pp said, you might not feel it now but be glad you didn’t marry him.

riledandharrassed · 19/01/2018 22:49

Don’t be getting on any flights !!

Original poster
iwalyw · 19/01/2018 22:49

He owns the house. We have no children.

OP posts:
DonnyAndVladSittingInATree · 19/01/2018 22:50

He has someone else (at work) and they’ve given him an ultimatum. They’ve told him to do it this weekend or it’s over. That’s why he wants you out by Monday.

mumpoints · 19/01/2018 22:50

Do you have children? A job? Friends in the area? Did you ask for a ticket back to your family? I can’t imagine how you are feeling with your life turned upside down. Have you got someone near to help you?

WallisFrizz · 19/01/2018 22:51

Tell him that you need a few days, sleep in separate rooms, make some plans, pack your stuff and go when you’re ready. He’s trying to make things easy for him, you need to make things easy for you.

jack2001 · 19/01/2018 22:51

Tell him to fuck off with his plane. Stand up for yourself, say you'll be packing your stuff up properly.

pog100 · 19/01/2018 22:52

You aren't a package or a child. You decide where you are going and when? Is there some legal or financial reason that you have to 'obey'?
He sounds unhinged and cold, so I would leave anyway, but at your speed and on your terms.
What a shock, but good luck!

VimFuego101 · 19/01/2018 22:52

What Donny said. The least he can do is give you time to pack your stuff properly.

Hermonie2016 · 19/01/2018 22:52

This is not reasonable behaviour and wholsy he can end a relationship you need time to organise your life.

Do you work? Assume house is his

Angelf1sh · 19/01/2018 22:53

Have you put any money into the house? You might have something called a resulting trust and be entitled to a share in it. If you can, don’t leave and try and speak on the phone to a solicitor (I suspect it’s not a coincidence that he’s done this on a Friday night).

DonnyAndVladSittingInATree · 19/01/2018 22:53

He has just finished booking me a flight back to my family. I will be leaving at 9am.

Him booking a flight doesn’t mean you’re leaving. you get to decide when you leave. The flight can leave without you. Fuck his tickets.

WallisFrizz · 19/01/2018 22:54

I agree about that there is probably someone else. My ex suddenly became cold and detached, and ended things out of the blue. He was seeing someone else, the coldness I think made it easier for him to deal with by acting like our relationship was insignificant. He came sniffing round me a year or so later but the damage was done.

DonnyAndVladSittingInATree · 19/01/2018 22:55

Has he ended your relationship on Fb? Deleted you from his profile? That will be his smoke signal to the OW/M that he’s done it. He’ll have done it on Fb because they won’t trust him from a text they will want public proof that he can’t back out of because others will have seen it and you will know he has deleted you.

Alwaysstressed999 · 19/01/2018 22:56

That's awful 😢 You don't have to leave if you don't want to!! Find out your legal grounds first OP! I'm so sorry and hope you find the answers and resolutions you need xx

Ellisandra · 19/01/2018 22:56

I don't want to be dramatic, but Donny's suggestion does at least make sense Sad

Flowers

How can you just pick up and go 450 miles? Don't you have a job?

I would not be getting on that plane.
Legally you have the rights of a lodger - pretty much nothing*. But - a landlord to a lodger is still supposed to give 'reasonable' notice.

I would tell him you need a week to pack up your stuff, and suggest that if he can't cope with being in the same house then he stays with a friend / in a hotel for the week.

*assuming you haven't invested lots of money into the property?

missyB1 · 19/01/2018 22:58

Don’t you leave until you are ready. Sod the flight! He’s a cheeky bastard telling you to get out just like that. Tell him he needs to sleep in another room until you are ready to leave.

Original poster
iwalyw · 19/01/2018 23:01

I think it was a mistake me making this thread right now because of how i am feeling. Worthless. I mean nothing. I just asked him "so you would rather be alone than with someone who loves you?" He said yes because the feelings arent returned. I have my answer but i will never know why.

OP posts:
Battleax · 19/01/2018 23:02

Be calm and pragmatic (as much as you can muster). Book yourself a hotel for a week locally and ask him to change the flights to a week/fortnight/month later. Tell him you don't want to get lawyers involved but you need time to pack up your stuff and make plans and arrangement, as he's given you no notice.

If he has any crumb of decency left, that should be hard for him to argue with.

You're in a weak position because he owns the house but you need to secure your stuff and you need thinking time.

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