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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Fiancé came home and told me to leave

416 replies

iwalyw · 19/01/2018 22:41

My fiancé (together for 16 years) came home from work tonight and told me to leave. I had zero idea that anything was wrong but according to what he has said (very little) my personailty has changed a little and he no longer loves me. That is litterally all he will say apart from he just wants to be single.

I asked if there was anyone else and of course he said no, I said there must be a reason to go from a happy long term relationship to not loving me and wanting me out in the space of a work day. He just keeps repeating thr same things. Single. Personality (though he wont tell me how I have changed just that I have)

I asked if we could talk about it and try to make whatever is wrong right. He said no. He has just finished booking me a flight back to my family. I will be leaving at 9am. After 16 years this is how it ends? I have no idea how to process all this. No idea where to start. I feel sick. I would understand if he had come home to find me in bed with someone, but I havent done anything wrong and he is treating me with so much hate.

Yesterday we we planning to book a meal for tonight thats how normal everything was. He went to work and came home and did this.

Please help me understand.

OP posts:
howrudeforme · 20/01/2018 08:42

Appalling behaviour on his part.

Greatestshowgirl · 20/01/2018 08:50

I don’t think it’s that rude considering posters are speculating that the op’s illness and lack of employment has led to his decision to end things so finally. I’m sure the op can decide for herself if she wants to share that information or not.

Angelf1sh · 20/01/2018 08:59

Greatest, she can decide that yes but that doesn’t stop it being rude. I speak as someone who is asked this question by strangers at least once a week. It’s none of our business. The fact that people are speculating in that way doesn’t make it our business.

travellerexpat · 20/01/2018 09:40

Safe flight OP

BackInTheRoom · 20/01/2018 09:48

OP, you need to google 'Runaway Husbands'. The author describes in her book what you're going through.

Your partner very likely has an OW and this might explain the urgency, she's thrown down an ultimatum.

The behaviour you're seeing now is probably not new, it's always been there but you're seeing a stronger version of it. He's probably a conflict avoider and has stored up his grievances 'Gunnysacking' and this plus the OW has given him the impetus to act in this way.

I'd also recommend 'The Human Magnet Syndrome'. The author explains how a Codependent matches with a Manipulator but maybe this read is for another day.

Just know that this isn't about him not wanting you per say, this is about him moving towards his happiness as he sees it. So it isn't that you're flawed or unattractive or worthless, he's moving towards what he thinks will make him happy and I think it'll be an OW.

His behaviour reminds me of narcissistic rage, a form of abuse without any care for you. He is not a nice person OP. Most people reading your thread think it's disgraceful behaviour so this should be enough to make you change your opinion of him yes?

The next few days you'll be in utter shock. Know this shock will pass and know that others on here know exactly what you're going through and how you're feeling. Keep posting as a way of unpacking your emotions and keeping a record of your thoughts which will probably be all over the place but that's ok.

💐

fusspot66 · 20/01/2018 09:53

Hugs from a stranger here. He's not worthy of you if he bales out in adversity. You will get through this. Xx

Karigan1 · 20/01/2018 09:57

Nah there’s someone else who has now made their move.

BackInTheRoom · 20/01/2018 10:02

Lisa Arends blog and book really helped me to understand what was going on in my situation.

lessonsfromtheendofamarriage.com/about/

And Vicki Stark:

www.runawayhusbands.com

Karigan1 · 20/01/2018 10:03

Nah there’s someone else who has now made their move.

rollingonariver · 20/01/2018 10:19

I don't think speculating why is leaving helping the op at the moment. I hope you manage to rebuild op, this must be devastating.

SparklyMagpie · 20/01/2018 10:26

What vile bastard

OP, my heart breaks for you

I Hope you have all the support you need and you get home safely xx

metalmum15 · 20/01/2018 11:01

He sounds vile, I agree with pp though, after 16 years you have no other commitments, friends, etc to stay for? Also, after being together 16 years and your name still isn't on the mortgage, I think that tells you everything you need to know about his level of commitment from the start. He sees you as 2 separate people, not a couple. You're better off without him and when you recover from all this you will see that.

serialcheat · 20/01/2018 11:43

Just when you think some people are arseholes beyond compare, along comes a motherfucker who raises the bar beyond belief ( Ops ex - partner ). I hope guilt occupies his every waking minute...

Op, you sound like a bloody diamond !!!!! Far too good for that emotional nazi.

Sevendown · 20/01/2018 11:50

This thread should be shown to every cohabiting woman living with a man who owns the home.

misscph1973 · 20/01/2018 12:28

OP, so sorry, what a shock. Sounds to me like your XP might be having a midlife crisis (you write that you are 40, I am guessing he is similar or older)?

You write that you got ill last year and that you have not been working? Could this have influenced your home life, ie. your XP saying you have changed?

SchrodingersFrilledLizard · 20/01/2018 12:36

My sympathies to you, op. I am sorry that you are going through this and wish you all the best.

runsmidgeOMG · 20/01/2018 12:38

No good advice I'm afraid.

All the best to you and your new unexpected start, this must be so painfulThanks

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 20/01/2018 12:53

I'm so sorry OP. Better that you re-set your life now than at almost 40 than being another 10 or so years down the line and finding out then.

Whatever the reason, the relationship is over and he's entitled to end it - but this was a cruel way to do it and it actually doesn't sound like an OW ultimatum to me, there's something else going on there.

Anyway, not your circus and not your monkeys OP. You will be happy again, just not for a while because you have to regroup after this dreadful shock. But you'll get to that point, where thinking of what's happened doesn't floor you anymore. Best wishes to you. Thanks

Onecutefox · 20/01/2018 12:53

How are you Op?
Your ex is a total c*nt, bustard and coward.
He has probably found someone very young. Hopefully she will use him and chucks him out so he can feel your pain.
Don't humiliate yourself and don't ask him anymore questions.

AllFakeFurCoatAndNoSpanx · 20/01/2018 13:02

I'm so sorry OP. Let your family scoop you up and recuperate with them for a while. Try to remember that you are loved (I write this hoping you are close to your family.)

One day you'll be glad you didn't marry him. I know that's cold comfort now.

In the midst of my break up someone told me to remember that although I was desperately sad, I now had honesty in my life. Whether or now he has an OW (and it does seem likely), he's been lying to you. People's feelings don't switch off overnight. So he's been waking up next to you and discussing dinner and looking you in the eye and lying, and planning this hideous emotional attack on you. That's no way for you to live and you deserve so much better than a liar. You deserve an honest life. Wishing you so much luck. Flowers

yetmorecrap · 20/01/2018 13:09

And this is why I would if I was on my own again never move in unless my name is on the rent, mortgage, or he has paid me at least £3000 as ‘security’ money to be able to move out, unless I was in a personally very secure position financially

Ellisandra · 20/01/2018 13:17

Or you, choose not to move in without first saving your own £3K Hmm and supplement that via the saving of shared living costs.
Why on earth would you expect your boyfriend to pay you security money?

Not a dig at the OP, response to the PP.

GlitterUnicornsAndAllThatJazz · 20/01/2018 13:28

I dont understand:

Why after 16 years you would not prefer to stay with a friend locally rather than go back home considering you're 40

Why didn't you put up more of a fight. You're not 19, why didn't you crash on someone's sofa and tell him you would be deciding what to do with his news in your own fucking time. Why did you let him just buy you a ticket home?

Why he felt it was necessary to delete photos of you in front of you. This really shocks me in its unnneccessary cruelty particularly as he then cried at the airport. It makes me wonder if he isnt gay rather than with a OW. Perhaps he felt he'd lied to himself about his sexuality for so long and he couldn't bear to have those memories from being dishonest with himself for so long? I dunno.

It sounds like when you became ill and stopped working things changed. Suddenly you were in the home he owned and with no financial contribution. In addition, his first instinct was to buy you a ticket home and your instinct was to accept. Does this mean that he felt that as well as the financial weight he had to carry, he also felt that he had to carry you emotionally alone too, because you had nothing there apart from him? Maybe it got too much? This is by no means an excuse but a reason.

It would probably help us help you work through this if you could describe what your relationship has been like over the years.

This is terrible though OP. I really feel for you and hope you're ok.

MyBrilliantDisguise · 20/01/2018 13:33

I would put money on there being another woman and she's married. That's why he wasn't out of the house more often. Once she knows the house is empty, she'll move in.

Do you have neighbours/friends who could tell you what's going on now you've left?

notapizzaeater · 20/01/2018 13:33

Have you paid towards the mortgage in the past 16 years ? Saving s?

I'd be getting legal advice and moving back in.....