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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Fiancé came home and told me to leave

416 replies

iwalyw · 19/01/2018 22:41

My fiancé (together for 16 years) came home from work tonight and told me to leave. I had zero idea that anything was wrong but according to what he has said (very little) my personailty has changed a little and he no longer loves me. That is litterally all he will say apart from he just wants to be single.

I asked if there was anyone else and of course he said no, I said there must be a reason to go from a happy long term relationship to not loving me and wanting me out in the space of a work day. He just keeps repeating thr same things. Single. Personality (though he wont tell me how I have changed just that I have)

I asked if we could talk about it and try to make whatever is wrong right. He said no. He has just finished booking me a flight back to my family. I will be leaving at 9am. After 16 years this is how it ends? I have no idea how to process all this. No idea where to start. I feel sick. I would understand if he had come home to find me in bed with someone, but I havent done anything wrong and he is treating me with so much hate.

Yesterday we we planning to book a meal for tonight thats how normal everything was. He went to work and came home and did this.

Please help me understand.

OP posts:
Hont1986 · 21/02/2018 11:15

She hasn't been paying the mortgage.

"When we met he already owned his house "

Ghostontoast · 21/02/2018 13:50

I agree - be kind to yourself Flowers, and don’t let the bastard get you down any more.

Changedname3456 · 21/02/2018 13:58

Very sorry OP.
Depressed or not, nobody should treat anyone else like this.

CuppaTeaAndAJammieDodger · 21/02/2018 14:02

I’m so sorry you have found yourself back at a.m. square 1. Only walk away from this thread if it is upsetting you/not doing you any good - we’re here to support you.

CuppaTeaAndAJammieDodger · 21/02/2018 14:02

fuck knows where the “a.m.” came from.

unicornfarts · 21/02/2018 14:23

Sorry for what you're going through op. Wondering if he's bipolar. Either way, hope you find a way through this shittiness.

Angelf1sh · 21/02/2018 15:26

So sorry to read the update. I’m sure your mum or a friend can put you up whilst you get yourself sorted out, even if it is a squeeze. Block and delete is the best thing you can do now.

BitOutOfPractice · 21/02/2018 15:29

Oh no op. What an utter twunt he is. I'm so sorry it's ended like this. But it's not your fault. It's him not you that has the problem and you are worth do so much more. Flowers

elisenbrunnen · 21/02/2018 16:25

So sorry OP. What an idiot (him!)

Poor you - you must feel like a ping pong ball. I'm glad you are taking control.

FizzyGreenWater · 21/02/2018 16:38

Please at least buy some prawns, mash them up and smear them all over the underside of some of the carpets this time.

Whocansay · 21/02/2018 17:47

Please talk to your mum and your friends. You need some real life support.

I'm so sorry he did this to you again.

NoToast · 21/02/2018 18:54

Hold your head up. YOU behaved like a decent person. You went back because you had invested time in something and weren't going to throw it away. You cared and you tried to support him. Now you'll have no 'what ifs'. It stings being deceived but it's not a reflection on who you are.

You have years ahead of you to get on your feet and carve out a life for yourself.

TemptressofWaikiki · 21/02/2018 21:01

OP, please don’t berate yourself for trusting him and giving it another shot. After so many years, t is understandable and it sounded plausible that he had some form of emotional crisis. You actually sound much stronger than last time. Despite the current renewed shock, I think you will cope a lot better and get back on your feet. It will help you draw a line under it and enable you to really move on because there won’t be any niggles or regrets of ‘What if’. Be kind to yourself and take time to find a place and properly pack this time.

blankiesandunicorns · 22/02/2018 00:13

OP please let us know how you are if you can. We're thinking of you. You sounds incredibly strong

GottadoitGottadoit · 22/02/2018 00:37

Well at least you know now that splitting up s definitely the right thing to do!

Threeminis · 22/02/2018 00:59

What a fucking wanker (him)
You're better off without him.

VimFuego101 · 22/02/2018 01:11

At least there are no 'what ifs' for you now.

Elle8989 · 22/02/2018 02:26

Op. 'Don't believe everything you think.'

He is a manipulative cu*t. He's made you feel this way. You are great.

You have had answers now. You were not silly to go back. You are normal and have compassion. This time you're sure of the reason why... that he's plain horrible. There is no longer any mystery. Sending you hugs.

Yeahsureokay · 22/02/2018 03:14

Your last post was inspiring op. You sound like the kind of woman we should all aspire to be. Well done you for taking control and being so strong. Of course it wasn't your fault - you gave him the benefit of doubt because at your core you wanted to fight for the relationship, and you were willing to stand by him through his illness it seems? That's admirable.

It didn't work out because he has turned into an absolute dick. He has treated you appallingly. You are a thousand times more worthy than him and you deserve better than this. Go get it, no matter what it is.

Keep coming here. You'll get nothing but support. Flowers

Bluebelle38 · 22/02/2018 03:40

I'm so sorry, op. Sounds horrendous for you both. To those saying "this isn't depression, I have it and would never do that... ." Depression is different with everyone, although there are standard symptoms: feeling like life us hopeless , general apathy are just two. Some people with depression commit suicide, not everyone does. You can't compare and say it's not depression because I have it and wouldn't do that. (Rant over).

For a man to speak to his boss, get signed off work... I'd be giving him the benefit of the doubt. He needs talk therapy too as it sounds like he'd benefit from talking to a professional.

He has to now save and help himself. You can support, but he has to be proactive in his healing. It's not your job to do everything he asks of you to fix him, however tempting that is.

rollingonariver · 22/02/2018 07:51

None of this is your fault op. I think a lot of women would go back to a relationship like that I think it must seem like a blip and now he's got his head screwed on.
I hope you manage to sort your idea out without him Thanks

Perfectnight · 22/02/2018 07:55

In a way at least you know it is finally over and better to know now than in a few years time when he might have done the same thing out of the blue again.

WellThisIsShit · 22/02/2018 07:56

Oh dear, you poor thing. How utterly horrible. I’m so so sorry.

Bluebelle38 · 22/02/2018 08:01

Apologies, didn't see second update. Take care xx

Namethecat · 22/02/2018 08:21

Hopefully you will come back on here, we obviously don't know you but I feel you got some good advice here the last time. You decided to let your heart rule your head and went back to him. There is nothing wrong in that. He has no heart, that's his problem not yours. Leave the house with your head held high. He does not deserve you. Hopefully your mother can have you for a short while whilst you sort out somewhere to live. Wishing you all the very best.

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