worried i may have married the wrong man...

[Ribbon14]

Hi all,

This is my first post, just really need some advice. Sorry if it's longish...

I married my dh 7 months ago and we've been together 2.5 years. To everyone else we have a perfect relationship, everyone says we're made for each other etc. We also have a nice house in a great area and are financially comfortable but despite this I just don't feel happy...

Maybe it's my own fault because I've had niggling doubts even from when I was first dating my now dh but I thought the positives outweighed the negatives or that he would change...but honestly now I'm not sure :(

Although my dh is kind and nice to me (most of the time) there is a side to him I don't like very much...

To give a few examples:

• he doesn't like me using my phone - when we first dating if I ever checked my phone when we were together, he acted like I was being rude and ignoring him so I stopped that and only checked my phone when he was doing something else but then he accused me of hiding things from him which isn't true. To cut a long story short, it has now got to the point where I am afraid to even look at my phone because of his dirty looks, moodiness and interrogation as to who I'm talking to. Also if I ever am replying to a message, he then grabs his phone, blanks me and goes into another room where he spends ages on his phone.. to me it's like he's saying 'if you're on your phone, then I'm going on mine'. Several times I have checked my phone when we've been in the car and this has resulted in him getting his phone out whilst driving just to seemingly spite me, despite the fact it's dangerous. He also makes comments to me like 'How's your phone?', How's texting going..? said in a sarcastic manner. I just really don't like it. And when I have confronted him about it, he just acts like he's done nothing and that I'm overreacting and that it's all my fault because I hide things from him and that if i used my phone in from of him it would be fine... But that's not true because he doesn't like that either and he demands to know who I'm talking to etc.

• Since we've got married we have a joint account for main finances but I still have a separate account from before. He agreed to let me have £100/month to spend on clothes, makeup, going out with friends etc. that he would let me spend freely without judging but he has decreased this to £75 and now wants to stop me having it at all. And despite what he said, he constantly judges what I have bought (which is hardly anything anyway) and I feel like now I'll have to ask his permission to buy anything :(

• The other thing which really upsets me is that he is incredibly rude to two good friends of mine who are like second parents to me (my own mum is dead and I have a very poor relationship with my dad). They have made a real effort to get to know him, invited us over etc and he is so rude- makes no effort to engage in conversation and ironically spends half the time on his phone- if I did that with his parents, he would go crazy at me... We also go to a badminton club and he hates me talking to other people and I feel like he's always watching me which has made me feel so bad that I don't enjoy going anymore. Several times, he has stormed off or been in a mood with me because he thinks I'm having 'private ' conversations with people which is just not the case...

• Finally, the other evening I had to write a longish email to someone and he acted pissed off that I wasn't giving him my full attention. He was drinking a cup of tea and started making ridiculous noises whilst doing so... When I questioned him on this, he acted like he was doing nothing... I can only think it was all for attention but why?

Anyway, I have talked to him many times about how I feel both before and since we got married and i feel it's like talking to a wall. He has apologised before and said he's sorry and that'll he change but recently he acts like he's done nothing wrong and that i'm being a silly woman overreacting and tries to blame it on me somehow :'(

I'm genuinely so worried he's controlling and unlikely to change...and that I've made a huge mistake...when we're having a good time together, I think I'm going crazy and that it'll be fine but it happens so often that I'm not so sure now :(

Just wondering what people think?

He sounds absolutely awful TBH
Does he have any good points going for him?

Honestly? He sounds like a complete cunt. I'm sorry but you need to leave him.

Are you earning? Do you have children? Can you support yourself?

None of those behaviours are normal or acceptable. Your misery shines through your post.

Don't delay. Will the surrogate mother types you have in your life help you at all? Support you? There is no shame in ending an abusive relationship, which this clearly is.

Oh and yes he's massively controlling

Have you got children with him?

If not RUN!

LEAVE!

If you have got children...

RUN!

LEAVE!

He's a cunt. A controlling, mean bastard.

Sorry OP...but that's all there is to say.

I'm so sorry. That sounds awful. He sounds controlling and childish. None of what you describe is at all normal behaviour for a healthy adult to be doing to another adult he is in a relationship with. I personally have an issue with excessive phone use. For instance, I get upset if my dh tries to use his while driving or if we're in the middle of literally having a conversation and he picks it up to return a message, etc. That is genuinely rude. But that's not what you're describing. It's normal to use a phone in moderation to keep in touch with people in your life. It sounds like he resents this and doesn't want you having anyone but him, which is classic controlling behaviour.

As is the level of financial control. My dh and I have been together for 10 years. We have a house and a family business and children, so our finances are very much entwined, but we still maintain separate bank accounts. We actually don't even have a joint account, but that's mostly because of laziness (we've just never set one up and what we do to manage our finances has always worked). We do have joint financial responsibilities, but apart from those responsibilities, what we do with our own money is our business. I truly have no idea what my dh spends his money on. It's his money. As long as all the necessities are taken care of and the financial burden of the household and family is shared equally, whatever he does with however much is left over is up to him. I trust him to make good decisions about that and he trusts me to do the same. I guess the only difference would be if you aren't working. If he's the only one bringing in an income and money is tight, it's reasonable to put limits on what can be spent on fun things, but it should still be a joint decision (and if you can't agree mutually, then you shouldn't have joint accounts or you should be working). But apart from that, it's incredibly controlling.

You aren't going crazy, but this isn't going to change, and if you plan to have children in the future, it will likely only worsen. My dad was a lot like this and his behaviour only intensified when I was born because suddenly he wasn't the centre of attention. The baby will become the phone and his anger will be directed at him/her. That's something to think about if you do want children in the future.

You will never change this man.

He sounds very controlling both emotionally and financially and IMO his grip will only get tighter.

You are unhappy with strong justification.

In your shoes I would have a break away from him to assess how you feel without him in your day to day life.

I also urge you to confide in a friend about what is happening

He's not only controlling but sounds like he's starting to financially abuse you too. None of this is normal you deserve to be happy loved and respected. He's proven he can't respect you with his behaviour and that when he says he'll change it's lies. You deserve so much better then this.

Oh god, how can you stand it? He's monitoring everything you do, jealous of everything you do, trying to stop your friendships...

Why the hell would you want to stay with this man?

Oh god. Leave. He's very controlling and that's before you're truly vulnerable..like when you have a child. He's isolating you from everyone. You're walking on eggshells and can't do right for doing wrong.

Divorce him now.

You have to leave this man. He is deliberately and incrementally separating you from your support system and finances so that he can control you. If you don't go now he will soon be able to do whatever he likes and you will just put up with it. And I mean anything he likes.

This is such a clear cut case. Leave him now.

Nothing you describe is right or normal. Nor cannot it be put right by talking to him. His behaviour is deliberate. You have married the wrong man but you can put this right. Do it now.

Controlling, financial and emotional abuse.
Run as fast as you can.

He will get worse, you will have children, he will stop you working or having any money that he doesn’t control and you will be trapped. Get out now.

Yes he is controlling and no he won't change. Please don't let embarrassment keep you in an abusive relationship

It'll only get worse if you stay. You need to get out, now :(

Oh OP, he's awful. I'd be very surprised if he changed and most likely will only get worse. I assume you don't have any DC.

Leave now, before it gets any more complicated.

I appreciate that it is easier said than done but my thought would be to get out as quickly and safely as possible. His behaviours are unhealthy and WILL result in damage to your health. This is not you being 'crazy' or 'overreacting' it is a reflection of HIS personal issues... which HE needs to choose to address, or not. Without wanting to project I have been in a relationship with an individual such as this. His behaviours only escalated over time and 6 years on I am still very much dealing with the emotional and financial damage. Please recognise your worth, it is so much more than this.

Practice this sentence: "I want a divorce."

You must leave this man, OP. You're in an abusive relationship, and it will continue to spiral. Get out now.

Thanks everyone for your responses.
It's just so hard :( There have been good things in our relationship and when I've been ill (had a lot of health issues in the past few years) he's been supportive but the controlling thing just really upsets me...
I know deep down his behaviour isn't normal but I keep doubting myself and thinking it can't be that bad because he's nice most of the time... but I think he's nice when he has me all to himself or I'm doing what he wants...I don't know. We've only been married a short time and I can't bear what people would say if i ended it. I have got on well with his family and they would hate me forever if I left him...
My dad is super controlling and treated my mum badly so I am worried about making the same mistake. :( I just want him to see what he's doing and how it's wrong and to try to change but I just don't think he realises... I don't know

Do not get pregnant.

He won't see that he's wrong because he's not a reasonable person. Time to get your ducks in a row. It doesn't matter what other people think (though I know that's easy to say).

Also, another thing is I feel dh is really unsupportive about my career... I have a very good degree and grades but have chosen to go into a more creative industry that is quite niche and difficult to break into. Currently I work part time self employed doing something else but am looking for jobs. He never shows any interest in this and always seems to put me down saying things like 'well yeah you knew there weren't many jobs available when you chose this path...' and says that my other part time work isn't a proper job.

Oh and he also is controlling about other things in the house, like having the heating on- quite often he just turns it off when he feels we've spent enough for the day despite the fact it's cold... the other day he also came in when i was running a bath for myself and turned the water off because he thought I was using too much... :(

Get rid OP. Who cares what anyone thinks!??

My dh is the same. Very nice as long as he has me to himself and controls me to a certain extent. My dh is controlling and financially abusive but not on your dh's scale. We're in the middle of a divorce now. It has led to so many fights and arguments, some winessed by my children. My eldest is also starting to think like him, that he pays the bills therefore he can do what he wants etc.

Don't worry or give a fig what people will say and if you want, tell them. I've only in the last year opened up to my friends about the extent of dh's controlling and abusive behaviour and they're horrified. They've known him for many years and yes, he's got nice points but at the end of the day I can't be with a man who doesn't trust me, who thinks I'm sleeping with people I'm not, who controls our money etc. It's soul destroying. He's not the father of my eldest, and that, as well as not being able to trust him with young children (never strapped them in properly, didn't look after them properly when in a public place for example), worrying about what my family would think about another failed relationship as well as still loving him has kept me tied to him for a lot longer than I've wanted. He didn't show these red flags before we had kids otherwise I wouldn't have had them with him. Seriously op, leave him before you have kids and are tied to him forever. He'll use your kids to blackmail and control you.

What other people think will matter less and less as you get older, but don't wait for that to get out of this marriage.

And of course he criticises your career, it's another part of isolating you.

And I'd underline pp comment: do not under any circumstances get pregnant. If you're not on birth control get on it now even if you have to get something in Secret.

He sounds like he can be a right twat.
You need to put your foot down.
List specifically all his behaviours and reactions you don't like and how they're affecting you.
Have a deep serious conversation about them, and tell him it really is make or break for you.
Give a time frame, a month? Three? Where you both sit down and reassess the situation.
If there's no improvement or he refuses to take your feelings into account to begin with, run for the hills.
At least you then know you've given a chance for you both to work things out first.
Another option might be marriage counselling?

My partner can be a bit of a dick on occasion. Eg, I washed some doormats the other day, (I thought I remembered them being washable ones, but I was mistaken) and the rubber edging came off.
He had been working away and came home (he usually does all laundry) and called me to tell me off about doing stupid things again.
A couple of weeks ago I'd accidentally gone over a drop of water with his beloved Dyson. God forbid! 🤣
He has strops with me over things like this and scolds me like a child. - This probably happens once a month or two.
I've told him I'm not going to stand to be spoken to or treated that way, he has a right to be annoyed, but no right to be plain disrespectful.
It's a work in progress, and I have seen improvement. I'm pregnant, so I'm not going to walk away without trying hard first, even though when he's being a prick doing my head in I'd like to!
I do love him. I'm trying to accept his flaws - but that's only ever going to work if he accepts mine too!
But I'm also aware there has to come a point where enough is enough if I'm truly not happy.