worried i may have married the wrong man...

[Ribbon14]

Hi all,

This is my first post, just really need some advice. Sorry if it's longish...

I married my dh 7 months ago and we've been together 2.5 years. To everyone else we have a perfect relationship, everyone says we're made for each other etc. We also have a nice house in a great area and are financially comfortable but despite this I just don't feel happy...

Maybe it's my own fault because I've had niggling doubts even from when I was first dating my now dh but I thought the positives outweighed the negatives or that he would change...but honestly now I'm not sure :(

Although my dh is kind and nice to me (most of the time) there is a side to him I don't like very much...

To give a few examples:

• he doesn't like me using my phone - when we first dating if I ever checked my phone when we were together, he acted like I was being rude and ignoring him so I stopped that and only checked my phone when he was doing something else but then he accused me of hiding things from him which isn't true. To cut a long story short, it has now got to the point where I am afraid to even look at my phone because of his dirty looks, moodiness and interrogation as to who I'm talking to. Also if I ever am replying to a message, he then grabs his phone, blanks me and goes into another room where he spends ages on his phone.. to me it's like he's saying 'if you're on your phone, then I'm going on mine'. Several times I have checked my phone when we've been in the car and this has resulted in him getting his phone out whilst driving just to seemingly spite me, despite the fact it's dangerous. He also makes comments to me like 'How's your phone?', How's texting going..? said in a sarcastic manner. I just really don't like it. And when I have confronted him about it, he just acts like he's done nothing and that I'm overreacting and that it's all my fault because I hide things from him and that if i used my phone in from of him it would be fine... But that's not true because he doesn't like that either and he demands to know who I'm talking to etc.

• Since we've got married we have a joint account for main finances but I still have a separate account from before. He agreed to let me have £100/month to spend on clothes, makeup, going out with friends etc. that he would let me spend freely without judging but he has decreased this to £75 and now wants to stop me having it at all. And despite what he said, he constantly judges what I have bought (which is hardly anything anyway) and I feel like now I'll have to ask his permission to buy anything :(

• The other thing which really upsets me is that he is incredibly rude to two good friends of mine who are like second parents to me (my own mum is dead and I have a very poor relationship with my dad). They have made a real effort to get to know him, invited us over etc and he is so rude- makes no effort to engage in conversation and ironically spends half the time on his phone- if I did that with his parents, he would go crazy at me... We also go to a badminton club and he hates me talking to other people and I feel like he's always watching me which has made me feel so bad that I don't enjoy going anymore. Several times, he has stormed off or been in a mood with me because he thinks I'm having 'private ' conversations with people which is just not the case...

• Finally, the other evening I had to write a longish email to someone and he acted pissed off that I wasn't giving him my full attention. He was drinking a cup of tea and started making ridiculous noises whilst doing so... When I questioned him on this, he acted like he was doing nothing... I can only think it was all for attention but why?

Anyway, I have talked to him many times about how I feel both before and since we got married and i feel it's like talking to a wall. He has apologised before and said he's sorry and that'll he change but recently he acts like he's done nothing wrong and that i'm being a silly woman overreacting and tries to blame it on me somehow :'(

I'm genuinely so worried he's controlling and unlikely to change...and that I've made a huge mistake...when we're having a good time together, I think I'm going crazy and that it'll be fine but it happens so often that I'm not so sure now :(

Just wondering what people think?

Op, get out now, whilst you can.

This man will chip away at you until there is no you left.

At the moment you are almost whole, you have energy, you know that you are in an abusive relationship. Do not wait to leave when you are a transparent image of your former self, by then it will more than likely be too late. You could be shackled to him by future children, he will use them against you.

Please don't wait any longer, get your exit strategy in place, leave and do not look back.

When you are safely away from him get counselling and do the freedom programme. If you need help getting away from him speak to woman's aid and if you ever are scared for your safety or he harasses or intimidates you phone the police.

exactly what razors said.

Get out NOW. It is so important for your future self.

Just keep reminding yourself that this is as good as it gets, right now is the best it will ever be....These men only get worse...: your life is only going to get worse. Please escape while you can.

Read "Why does he do that? Inside the minds of angry and controlling men" by Lundy Bancroft.

Get a copy sent to your work. You must get out. Don't blame yourself, that's what he wants you to do. He is becoming your torturer and abuser. Get an implant so there is no way you can get pregnant.

Please get out.

You are with an abusive bastard. There are enough red flags in your post to open up your own red flag shop.

I'm assuming you have no children with this pathetic excuse for a human being - I hope not.

Run. Now. And don't look back. Do not have children with this man. Look up the 'cycle of abuse'. Don't tie yourself to him any more than you already are. This WILL escalate and fast if you get pregnant.

Keep your independence and make plans to leave. Call women's aid and talk with them, tell them what you've told us. Just please, get away from him before it's too late.

You need to crack on and divorce. A marriage of such short duration and things would be split in such a way that you would each take out what you put in. The longer you are together the more complicated it gets and you don't want to be giving this wankbadger anything OP.
He is a nasty controlling jealous immature arsehole and those are probably his good points! Crack on. You will start to feel more relaxed when he is back out of the picture.

OP you've had good advice on this thread but I just want to say well done. Well done for noticing things aren't right and well done for doing something about it.

You don't need to feel stupid about it -because you're doing something before it's too late.

Your childhood and health issues are ideal controlling man fodder. He can be nice and caring while he's got you where he wants you. The freedoms you have now will be nibbled away until you have none.
Your dad probably built up slowly. They have to.
Get him out.

End it fast before he has even more claim on the house.

He is utterly awful.

Please, please leave him. Never, ever take him back. PLEASE. You are young? Please get away from this controlling jealous vile pig shit. You will regret staying. Trust this.
I bet your two friends KNOW what be is like really.. he doesn't love you how you deserve to be loved. Don't waste time. Go.NOW

I second every post on here telling you to leave. Read some threads from othe women further down the line with kids and you will see your future. They are heartbreaking to read, some are literally terrifying to read. You have no future with this man, the quicker you can leave the better. You might find that those around you are relieved rather than judgemental or disappointed... can't think what they must think of him quietly.
Leave - asap

Thanks everyone. fyi I just turned 25 and dh is 26. My friends who are like parents have openly admitted to me they think he's wrong for me and feel rejected by him and that they no longer feel able to have us over as a couple because of how he has treated them...
I know everyone on here is right and my own feelings are right, it just feels so hard to make the first steps and I fear what will happen in the future. I've had some really difficult things in my life and feel like I've just made it worse for myself :'(

Your dad loves you.

He gave you the house.
GO SEE YOUR DAD.

In this instant it's the best thing you can do, if your dad is as you say he will have you out of this mess in no time.
Don't worry about disappointing him, your dad will be livid this guy is treating his daughter like this...
Tell your dad how you can't even spend money...

mummy2017, believe me you do not know my dad... he is a selfish, alcoholic narcissist who has abused me badly in the past. He gave me the house because of various other circumstances that happened...too complicated to explain on here

he couldn't help me because he can't even look after himself...

your dad will be livid this guy is treating his daughter like this...

So... just like he treated her mother?

OP, it's bullshit isn't it. But you have those friends, and I think mummmy has the right idea about being open with the people who care about you. That would be them in this instance.

You definitely haven't made it worse for yourself. By admitting that you need to get rid of this man you have taken the first steps to making things much, much better.

If you need help in splitting up with him, phone Women's Aid immediately.

I've just remembered! I split up with my first husband at about your age. He wasn't a controlling type but he was awful in other ways. I expected people to be judgemental but they weren't. And I was happily single for a while before meeting DH. Who is a much nicer man. We've been married a long time and I'm very glad I didn't stay with xh.

So he's at work and just asked to call me so I said fine. Conversation was ok until he asked what i was doing and I said not much (which is the truth) and then he goes how's texting?... I said I'm not really and then he goes well you must be because clearly you're not just sitting there doing nothing. So i hung up. His first text was nice, saying whats wrong etc. then he phoned again but i didn't answer and then he texted me saying' Wow, was literally just having a nice chat to you and you do that' making out it's all me again... am i over reacting here? I just feel like I'm being made out to be the bad person when it's him :(

Ribbon

The first step out is the hardest to take but take it you must. Once you have done that it will feel a bit easier. You have actually taken your first step out by posting here, you are really to be credited for doing that.

You cannot rely on your birth parents to help you. Enlist the help of friends instead particularly that couple who you regard as parent figures to you. You need outside and real life support to get you away from this individual you have landed yourself with through conditioning from your own family of origin.

This man, like your dad, will not let go of you at all easily (your dad has likely held onto your mother by an iron grip) but the freedom from being abused will be worth it. The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is NONE.

I've had some really difficult things in my life and feel like I've just made it worse for myself

Please don't be so hard on yourself.

Many, many women have found themselves in similar situations. Many of us here have. It's sadly very common and not in the least bit your fault.

It may not feel like it, but you are doing brilliantly well. You have:

1. recognised the problem and admitted to yourself it's happening. Please believe me many of us take years to get to this point. You've taken the first, huge step. Well done. Please give yourself some credit for that.

1. You've taken the first step in reaching out for help by posting here. That's also a hugely positive step.

Leaving might seem daunting but you don't necessarily have to do it all at once, work out what you need to do, and do it bit by bit until you feel ready. Some steps to consider:

Please let your good friends know what's going on, ask for their help.

Speak to a solicitor and let them know he's controlling, they may have advice about this.

Also speak to Women's Aid if you can, they'll have good advice on leaving controlling men and may be able to advise on the house.

Please make sure you are covering your tracks be deleting MN pages from your browser history. If he discovers this you can be sure he'll do his best to cut off this source of support.

Aww no. Just because this man is less of a shit than your father it doesn't mean he's not a shit.

I wouldn't be surprised if he really starts pushing for you to have a baby. You will never be free of him if that happens. As it stands you are young, own your own home, have some income, and still have friends. You will be ok without him.

The people who truly care about you won't judge you for getting away from this nightmare in the making.

Ribbon

Making you out to be the crazy one here is his MO and designed to keep you both unsure and on the backfoot. Just like your dad; he operates a scarily similar dynamic.

You cannot remain within this marriage; this bloke will destroy you as summararily as your dad did with his wife.

Womens Aid are well worth contacting and I would call them asap. Their number is 0808 2000 247.

Don’t hold on to this because you feel you’ve invested in it or because you’ve made a mistake. It’s a greater mistake to stay if it isn’t right (and it really isn’t). He is such a classic emotional and financial narcissistic abuser.

And he most definitely does know exactly what he is doing.

Talk to your lovely friends-the ones who have seen through him.