worried i may have married the wrong man...

[Ribbon14]

Hi all,

This is my first post, just really need some advice. Sorry if it's longish...

I married my dh 7 months ago and we've been together 2.5 years. To everyone else we have a perfect relationship, everyone says we're made for each other etc. We also have a nice house in a great area and are financially comfortable but despite this I just don't feel happy...

Maybe it's my own fault because I've had niggling doubts even from when I was first dating my now dh but I thought the positives outweighed the negatives or that he would change...but honestly now I'm not sure :(

Although my dh is kind and nice to me (most of the time) there is a side to him I don't like very much...

To give a few examples:

• he doesn't like me using my phone - when we first dating if I ever checked my phone when we were together, he acted like I was being rude and ignoring him so I stopped that and only checked my phone when he was doing something else but then he accused me of hiding things from him which isn't true. To cut a long story short, it has now got to the point where I am afraid to even look at my phone because of his dirty looks, moodiness and interrogation as to who I'm talking to. Also if I ever am replying to a message, he then grabs his phone, blanks me and goes into another room where he spends ages on his phone.. to me it's like he's saying 'if you're on your phone, then I'm going on mine'. Several times I have checked my phone when we've been in the car and this has resulted in him getting his phone out whilst driving just to seemingly spite me, despite the fact it's dangerous. He also makes comments to me like 'How's your phone?', How's texting going..? said in a sarcastic manner. I just really don't like it. And when I have confronted him about it, he just acts like he's done nothing and that I'm overreacting and that it's all my fault because I hide things from him and that if i used my phone in from of him it would be fine... But that's not true because he doesn't like that either and he demands to know who I'm talking to etc.

• Since we've got married we have a joint account for main finances but I still have a separate account from before. He agreed to let me have £100/month to spend on clothes, makeup, going out with friends etc. that he would let me spend freely without judging but he has decreased this to £75 and now wants to stop me having it at all. And despite what he said, he constantly judges what I have bought (which is hardly anything anyway) and I feel like now I'll have to ask his permission to buy anything :(

• The other thing which really upsets me is that he is incredibly rude to two good friends of mine who are like second parents to me (my own mum is dead and I have a very poor relationship with my dad). They have made a real effort to get to know him, invited us over etc and he is so rude- makes no effort to engage in conversation and ironically spends half the time on his phone- if I did that with his parents, he would go crazy at me... We also go to a badminton club and he hates me talking to other people and I feel like he's always watching me which has made me feel so bad that I don't enjoy going anymore. Several times, he has stormed off or been in a mood with me because he thinks I'm having 'private ' conversations with people which is just not the case...

• Finally, the other evening I had to write a longish email to someone and he acted pissed off that I wasn't giving him my full attention. He was drinking a cup of tea and started making ridiculous noises whilst doing so... When I questioned him on this, he acted like he was doing nothing... I can only think it was all for attention but why?

Anyway, I have talked to him many times about how I feel both before and since we got married and i feel it's like talking to a wall. He has apologised before and said he's sorry and that'll he change but recently he acts like he's done nothing wrong and that i'm being a silly woman overreacting and tries to blame it on me somehow :'(

I'm genuinely so worried he's controlling and unlikely to change...and that I've made a huge mistake...when we're having a good time together, I think I'm going crazy and that it'll be fine but it happens so often that I'm not so sure now :(

Just wondering what people think?

He's not as bad as your dad is..yet. you're still completely independent, remember. Once you have kids or your career is going nowhere or you don't work, he'll ramp up the control. I cannot stress how much more difficult things are when you have kids.

Forget even trying to reason with him, you'll never convince him and he'll twist it all to make it your fault. Forget talking to your parents because if your dad is like that and your mum put up with it, they won't be sympathetic. It's so difficult to do, I know. You're with this man because his behaviour is familiar to you. But you know it's wrong. You watched your mum go through it. If you have children, do you want them also to repeat this cycle?

You don't need to convince anyone or get anyone's approval. Just go and see a solicitor and get a divorce. Then you'll have your freedom, your career, your autonomy and you'll be able to make all your own decisions. Concentrate on your promising career etc.

This man’s controlling behaviour is abusive. It won’t get any better over time but it could get worse. it know it can be confusing because sometimes he can be supportive but in a marriage he should be supportive all the time and not just when it suits him. It sounds like he’s using your health issues to control you further. It doesn’t matter what people think if they care about you they will support you. It will be much easier to leave now than further down the line.

Oh and I'm pretty sure it'll be because his childhood. His perfect family won't be perfect. I didn't realise for years where it all came from, but it's there.

I fully recommend the freedom programme or a Domestic Abuse course , they actually open your eyes to a whole world of things you never thought is happening then bit by bit you start ticking off the list and realise , actually Im in a domestic violent relationship ... Just remember they don't have to hit you to abuse you, emotional/mental abuse and financial abuse is just as bad ... In some cases worse because they leave the worst scars !

You need to find some time to do some googling and look up red flags of abuse , you will see just how your 'D'H is abusing you . Women's Aid is a fantastic organisation who I recommend wholeheartedly to you , have a chat with them . Do not minimise his behaviour because give it a few months you won't be able to breath without being told off or ignored (that's the favourite for an abuser ) they ignore you for days to "punish you" .

It will not get better now , he will up the anty and within 12 months you will be pregnant and a shadow of your former self with no control over your own life . . .
Get out and stay out !

He is not going to change, he'll get worse and then if you have kids it will affect them like your dad affected you.

Picture these scenarios -

Someone you know, and care for, admits that they'd stayed in a bad relationship for many years, and had been deeply unhappy because they were concerned with how you might react to their break up....

Secondly, picture yourself a few years down the line. Your partner is having a go at your daughter, implementing his arbitrary rules, being abusive and controlling...and there's nothing you can do to help by then as he's succeeded in cutting you off from friends and family, and you have no financial independence...

You would be so much happy apart from him.

Make a solicitors appointment now. Literally now. Then start making a list of assets etc while you wait for your appointment. Then divorce him.

Stop waiting for him to change he's shown you who is. For gods sake believe him. If you manage to get out with the house thank your lucky stars and get some counseling so you make better men choices in future.

I was divorced after 4 years and we'd managed to have 2 kids. No idea what I was thinking he was clearly a twat before I married him. 9 years later we are finally free of him. DO NOT GET PREGNANT NOW.

You know you’ve made a mistake it happens it’s not your fault and you need to leave him. He doesn’t sound a bit controlling he sounds extremely controlling. Money phone usage heating water who you talk too look at etc etc and at the minute he’s just acting like a spoilt child when you do but this sometimes turns into much nastier behaviour.
You have two choices stand up for yourself and see what happens for example put the heating back on and say. I am cold I live here too use the phone in front of him and ignore the stupid behaviour and see if it changes things or leave. Why don’t you confide just in the freinds who ate like parents it sounds like they get to see the true him. See what they think I bet they’ll think the same as you and encourage you to leave.

If you want to understand why he acts like he does, read "Why does he do that?" By Lundy Bancroft.

But - I'll give you a spoiler - although you will probably recognise your H in the book, it doesn't mean you'll be able to change him in the slightest or get him to understand you.

Don't wait to read the book before leaving! Read it for some perspective and to strengthen your resolve against letting him back.

Please, please get away from this man ASAP. He will only get worse. He will damage everything you hold dear, bit by bit. He will gnaw away at your self esteem, damage your relationship with your friends, get an ever greater stake in your house.

You are holding onto a rising balloon. The longer you hold on, the bumpier it will be when you let go. But let go you must.

You can make the landing less bumpy by getting real life support and good advice from a solicitor.

Can you confide in your friends? I've been in an abusive relationship - when I admitted what was happening to friends I felt it was like I had broken his spell.

I think you have married not the wrong man, but a wrong man.
None of this is right and correct behaviour. Your judgement was skewed. Call it quits now. You are too young and life is too short for this.
I think you should talk to the older friends you mention in your OP - I reckon they may be waiting for this to happen and will give you much help and support and courage to make your life your own again.

I’m sorry but this behaviour will just escalate the longer you leave it.

Cut your losses and leave now. I stayed with someone like this, tried to work it out and make it work because I didn’t want to rock the boat and before I knew it, I’d wasted 10 years. Thank god we didn’t have kids

You really really need to leave him. Don’t let him know your plans until you have had financial and legal advice.
Ask him to leave and have a trusted friend with you or on hand when you do.

Sorry OP but he sounds hideous. Attention seeking, trying to stop you communicating with friends, controlling your spending and trying to isolate you.
Personally I think you should get out now but at the very least while you are thinking about what to do, regain control of your money and ensure you are doubling up if possible on contraception. Arrange for your pay to go in to your separate account and then pay in the necessary amount for bills to the joint account. Definitely avoid getting pregnant.
Leave him though. I can't see things getting anything other than worse. He may well be depressed if you end it with him but his treatment of you will be the cause not your behaviour. Good luck.

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

He is showing you who he really is - you cannot stay within such a marriage because he will drag you down with him.

Controlling behaviours like he is showing you will in all likelihood escalate further. Some red flags re him were probably there before you married him but you may well have not recognised these.

Also, his depression is not your responsibility. If the split makes him depressed, it is up to him to get the right support.

OP you must find the courage to end this marriage. Stop with the excuses and ‘what ifs’. Do something proactive Today to start getting out. Talk to your friends. Find a solicitor. Something.

The only way he's going to change is that he's going to get worse - more controlling, more abusive - and the longer it goes on, the harder you're going to find it to extricate yourself, and the more it will cost you in every way imaginable. Trust me, I'm talking from experience. Listen to the advice you're being given here and be strong. Don't let him grind you down.

Get some legal advice (a free consultation with a family lawyer is the first step) and remember it's self-preservation. There'll be plenty of moral support on MN for you when you wobble (and you will), but you'll be very glad you made the decision.

Good luck.

Other people are not living your life though are they so who cares what they say.

One of the worst things he's doing is trying to cut you off from the friends you regard as parents. You need to explain to them what's happening so that they won't be left thinking you've gone off them. You'll need all your friends.

He targeted you really and used your health issues against you to inveigle his way into your life. Now he has done that you are seeing the real him and the real him is an abuser.

Such men hate women, all of them, and they do not change.

We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents and yours taught you a lot of damaging lessons. Your dad is as you write controlling and your mother was controlled; you are reenacting that same dynamic with your current H now.

I am certain as well that your mother may have tried to excuse and say well he is not bad all the time either as you have written. I put it to you that abusive men are not nasty all the time because if they were, no-one would want to be with them. He does the nice/nasty cycle very well and that cycle of abuse is a continuous one.

Like your dad he will not see that he is doing anything wrong here. Do not end up in the same position as your mother did and be controlled for goodness alone how many years. You cannot and must not allow that to happen to you. You need to divorce this man for his unreasonable behaviour.

Darling, this man is an abuser and you need to end the relationship. He controls your finances, your home environment, your relationships, your freedom. He is also gaslighting you - he behaves in contradictory ways and then blames you when you can't please him.

It doesn't matter that you aren't long married - what matters is that you are safe and not being abused.

If he has no financial stake in your house you can make him move out. You may need a lawyer to help you. You will have to spend money but it will be worth it.

I really hope you are ok and manage to get away from this awful man x

He's not going to suddenly realise that he's been acting poorly and change.

He already knows he is acting badly, and doesn't care.

He will not change.

You have two choices:

Live with this escalating treatment for the rest of your life, and condemn your children to repeat your mistakes

or

Split up.

Your choice.

I'm so sorry you have this in your life.

I agree with many others: trying to explain this to him, or showing him this thread, will not work. He will not understand or change.

His behaviour is abusive and unacceptable. You deserve better. And you are actually in a great position to change your life by getting him out of it (this would be 1000x harder if you had kids already), but believe me I understand it's a lot easier for me to say that than for you to act upon it.

It is not at all uncommon for those of us who grew up in dysfunctional households to enter the same type of marriage (I did the same thing and am now escaping my marriage). That doesn't make you weak or a loser, it makes you very typical.

Of course he is nice sometimes, you wouldn't have married him if he didn't have a good side and there weren't a bond between you. But that doesn't mean he's as good as you deserve. You can mourn for what you're losing (the good side of him, the marriage you thought you had) and still make the choice that is healthiest for you--dumping this loser and getting away from him.

Being with a controlling partner undermines every bit of your confidence and belief in yourself and is so damaging. They don't have to lift a hand to hurt you very deeply.

I'm not sure that a bunch of us telling you what to do is really an effective way of you breaking free from your husband telling you what to do :-) the crucial thing is you have to gain enough confidence to decide what to do yourself and feel strong enough to do it. Is there any chance you can see a counsellor? Talk to Women's Aid, do the Freedom Programme? Do you have any friends you can trust who are on your side?

good luck, I know this is hard but you can do it!

You are worth so much more than this, and who cares what other people think if you want out of this marriage. It is nothing to do with them, it is your choice and they should respect it.

So, look at it in another perspective, say in another few years down the line, the abuse has escalated and it's got to the point where he's probably stopping you from leaving the house, maybe some physical stuff thrown in, not allowing you a phone or any contact with your family or friends. I can guarantee anyone you tell will say - WHY THE HELL DIDN'T YOU LEAVE HIM SOONER rather than put up with it.

I've been in the same situation to the point ALL of my money was controlled by my exH, I even had to ask for a few pence to buy a paper. I wasn't allowed out of the house without make up or high heels on if I was accompanying him. He controlled every aspect of my life and he had numerous affairs (though of course that was all in my head). I eventually grew a backbone, packed his stuff and filed for a divorce.

Please remember - You are worth more than this. Take control of your life now.

Run for the fucking hills