worried i may have married the wrong man...

[Ribbon14]

Hi all,

This is my first post, just really need some advice. Sorry if it's longish...

I married my dh 7 months ago and we've been together 2.5 years. To everyone else we have a perfect relationship, everyone says we're made for each other etc. We also have a nice house in a great area and are financially comfortable but despite this I just don't feel happy...

Maybe it's my own fault because I've had niggling doubts even from when I was first dating my now dh but I thought the positives outweighed the negatives or that he would change...but honestly now I'm not sure :(

Although my dh is kind and nice to me (most of the time) there is a side to him I don't like very much...

To give a few examples:

• he doesn't like me using my phone - when we first dating if I ever checked my phone when we were together, he acted like I was being rude and ignoring him so I stopped that and only checked my phone when he was doing something else but then he accused me of hiding things from him which isn't true. To cut a long story short, it has now got to the point where I am afraid to even look at my phone because of his dirty looks, moodiness and interrogation as to who I'm talking to. Also if I ever am replying to a message, he then grabs his phone, blanks me and goes into another room where he spends ages on his phone.. to me it's like he's saying 'if you're on your phone, then I'm going on mine'. Several times I have checked my phone when we've been in the car and this has resulted in him getting his phone out whilst driving just to seemingly spite me, despite the fact it's dangerous. He also makes comments to me like 'How's your phone?', How's texting going..? said in a sarcastic manner. I just really don't like it. And when I have confronted him about it, he just acts like he's done nothing and that I'm overreacting and that it's all my fault because I hide things from him and that if i used my phone in from of him it would be fine... But that's not true because he doesn't like that either and he demands to know who I'm talking to etc.

• Since we've got married we have a joint account for main finances but I still have a separate account from before. He agreed to let me have £100/month to spend on clothes, makeup, going out with friends etc. that he would let me spend freely without judging but he has decreased this to £75 and now wants to stop me having it at all. And despite what he said, he constantly judges what I have bought (which is hardly anything anyway) and I feel like now I'll have to ask his permission to buy anything :(

• The other thing which really upsets me is that he is incredibly rude to two good friends of mine who are like second parents to me (my own mum is dead and I have a very poor relationship with my dad). They have made a real effort to get to know him, invited us over etc and he is so rude- makes no effort to engage in conversation and ironically spends half the time on his phone- if I did that with his parents, he would go crazy at me... We also go to a badminton club and he hates me talking to other people and I feel like he's always watching me which has made me feel so bad that I don't enjoy going anymore. Several times, he has stormed off or been in a mood with me because he thinks I'm having 'private ' conversations with people which is just not the case...

• Finally, the other evening I had to write a longish email to someone and he acted pissed off that I wasn't giving him my full attention. He was drinking a cup of tea and started making ridiculous noises whilst doing so... When I questioned him on this, he acted like he was doing nothing... I can only think it was all for attention but why?

Anyway, I have talked to him many times about how I feel both before and since we got married and i feel it's like talking to a wall. He has apologised before and said he's sorry and that'll he change but recently he acts like he's done nothing wrong and that i'm being a silly woman overreacting and tries to blame it on me somehow :'(

I'm genuinely so worried he's controlling and unlikely to change...and that I've made a huge mistake...when we're having a good time together, I think I'm going crazy and that it'll be fine but it happens so often that I'm not so sure now :(

Just wondering what people think?

OP you clearly don’t want to hear it right now, but sadly your DH will just get worse, but you’ll be like the frog in the pan of water.

If you can wake up enough to get out of the pot before it gets too hot, we will all be here.

@Ribbon14 I just wanted to drop you a note and wish you luck. It seems like you are just starting to consider the issues and looking for input. I believe you that the majority of the time things are fine, even happy.

I had a horrific childhood as well, and figuring out adult relationships has been tricky to say the least. My advice is:

1. To keep trusting your gut, and moving toward your own happiness and peace of mind.

1. Continue having some money in an account that he does not have access to. Just in case. I honestly think this is a good idea for EVERY woman.

1. When he does something inappropriate, try to figure out what he gets out of it. One of the things that I wish I could go back and change is that I used to try to figure out how to fix things and make others (including controlling men) happy. With hindsight, I wish I'd used that energy to trace the power and figure out what their actions got them. Me trying to make them happy just gave them more control.

1. Work at making YOURSELF happy. Listen to your inner voice, do things you enjoy. I used to think that spouses were supposed to make each other happy, but I don't believe that any more. We have to make ourselves happy. Our spouse just has to stay out of the way of it.

1. If he won't let you move toward happiness, then you can get out. It is easy to type "LTB" on a keyboard. It is something else altogether to end a marriage. Remember that it is an option you have in the future.

Tell him he either stops being a controlling arsehole, pulling him up every time he does something or makes a comment, or you will leave him, because this stuff is fucking fundamental.

Just pay bills out of the joint account. Have your salary paid into your account and enough for half the bills into the joint account. You can do that tomorrow.

I hate the MN mentality of "leave" for every martial woe, but in your case, leave, leave, leave and don't look back.

Sounds like you don't have DC at the moment, which makes your situation more imperative that you leave before you do.

You will never be happy with this man and you really do only live once.

He will not change, only get worse. Please don't have kids with him.

Good luck.

Op I know you think he will change and I know you want to try and give your relationship a go. But I just want to add that as someone that was in an abusive relationship for 3 years, the reason that there are more good times than the bad is because you have conditioned yourself to not piss him off.

-not using your phone when around him or else he throws a cunty tantrum and then passive aggressive bitches about it when you are at work with snide comments

• you don't spend time with your best friends who are like parents to you because he is an immature and rude little boy who cannot possibly not have your undivided attention on him. I'm really shocked with this one. I couldn't ever let anyone come in the way between me and my family. If they tried to make me choose, then they've made the choice for me.

• you allow him to financially control you. Despite it being your house and there being more than enough money for you to spend on whatever the fuck you like every month. You are following his little rules of £75 pocket money from your own god damn wages. And have said that he gets judgey about you buying yourself anything.

Now imagine if you wake up today and the first thing you do is get your phone out and text your best friends. Imagine how he would react.

Give it 1 week. In my experience, they can never fake it longer than 1 week.

It's really sad that your dad has done such a number on you (you really should go nc with him. Especially after that letter) that even this guy who is clearly abusive and you even said there have been doubts from when you started dating, you are conditioned to work around it and think 'yh but he's not as bad as my Dad'. We also think it's our responsibility to help them change because it's not their fault they are insecure and angry.

Sorry Op this is bringing back bad memories so if I seem harsh it's probably because I still feel shit about the way my ex made me feel 7 years ago and the thought that other people are going through similar is just horrid.

*Agacia
*
That is some harmful 1850s surrendered wife shit you are spouting.

'Once you relax, he will relax.'

'Become as attractive as you can be. It can only bring positives'

You might as well have put 'don't question the big bad mad and have a smile on your pretty little face for him at all times and make sure you always have a full face of makeup and dress up to go out so he can see you are all dolled up just for him.'

I feel fucking sorry for any daughters you might have if that's what you are teaching them.

Agacia, I assume you have had a normal relationship...if you had experienced an abusive relationship then you would not be saying what you have.

20 years ago I might have thought like you and for many years of the marriage I tried all the strategies but 3-4 years ago, after counselling, I finally got it.

Controlling men are hard to figure for rational people..why??? This is what kept I kept turning over and over.

However as others have said it simply boils down to "he likes the power over someone"

20% bad at such a short relationship is not good...5 years and/or children it will flip to 80% bad.
Why am I or others so certain? Because we lived your life and we have had the same hopes as you.Through painful experiences and only after our confidence and self esteem were shattered, we learnt that leaving was the only solution.

You will get there as well..my concern for you is financial as the longer it lasts the more likely is that he will get a share of your house.Perhaps see a solicitor who will explain the legalities.I have just lost 50% of the house I owned outright due to marriage.

OP you know why the good times are so great? They're so amazing in comparison to the bad times.

I've been there too. Luckily not married, but BF (when I was 25, incidentally) was often sulky because of something my friends had supposedly done. Or that I didn't react with sufficient enthusiasm to his liking. And I always seemed to do something wrong. He would stonewall me, not answer his phone etc. So when he decided to be in a good mood, it was just amazing. Such a relief, like a black cloud had lifted, I was blissflly happy when he decided to be nice.

But I'm now married to a lovely, not abusive man. And those good times? It's like that all the time. It's normal.

I wouldn't expect to have the money put in my own account. He has his wages paid into joint account so why wouldn't I? OK maybe the term letting is wrong word. I just mean it's fine for me to spend what I like within reason.

The point here is that you have a lot more money in the joint account than you need for day to day expenses. There's obviously nothing wrong with saving. Where there is a lot wrong is in the notion that he ordains how much you can take out, and even then makes a big deal about what you spend your money on. If that doesn't change immediately, you will know that he's not prepared to change. Try going out and buying something that he would normally criticise you for, and see what happens.

We have equal disposable income after allowing for bills so yes, I’d expect whoever has the lowest income to have an amount transferred to their personal account and personal spending to come from the personal account so there’s no need to pour over the joint account as to what spending is fair.

the 80% thing makes sense. I said it too. My cut off point was when I was unhappy more than 50% of the time. At that point there's nothing left to stay for.

In fact at that point thing deteriorated even faster. My unhappiness rubbed of on him and he became worse and worse. I went from 50% to 5% in weeks.

be as attractive as you can be

Oh jesus christ. Please tell me your joking?

Op pleeeease ignore that frankly dangerous advice.

agacia have my first of the day - you deserve it with your absolutely stunning stupdi response. The 1950's called - they want their handbook back.

OP - you seem to see the issues in your marriage and accept its not a great marriage, however you seem unable to love yourself enough to want better, i fear all the good advice that people have given you (agacia not included) has fallen on deaf ears.Its such a sad situation - and i feel sorry for you - no one should be made to feel they way you have by their very own husband. Ive been thinking about your post for the past few days (dont know why this struck a chord with me) and i cannot say much more than good luck - whatever you choose to do.

Ah, so he's 'letting you' spend what you want out of the joint account, money that is partly yours anyway as you have your wages paid in to it. Wow, that's big of him.

Who came up with the new arrangements? Him or you? Did you tell him what you wanted or did you just said 'we need to discuss things' and he came up with all the rules again?

Hi Ribbon, this is what you wrote in your second post.
"I know deep down his behaviour isn't normal but I keep doubting myself and thinking it can't be that bad because he's nice most of the time... but I think he's nice when he has me all to himself or I'm doing what he wants."

Good luck op.
We’re always here for you x

Has he somehow read your thread?

He is now letting you spend money.
But when you do he will point out how you waste money. How you bought that dress but rarely wear it. How you made a mistake with that hair cut. How it really isn't as nice as it used to look before. And then gradually turn your purchases into jokes.
Your father's abuse has got you ready to attract abusers. You will put up with things because "it's not as bad as Dad".

He could change but only if he is prepared to do a lot of very painful soul searching. And almost certainly not if he's still with you, just like Heroin addicts need new friends to recover.

So kicking him out gives him the best chance to change for good.

Doing so soon has the best chance of you keeping your house and it not being split as "property of the marriage".

The not being allowed to spend money on hair part reminds me of being in my hair salon one day. The stylist in the stall next to me was weepy as she cleaned up from her last client. I wondered if she had been getting someone ready for a funeral or something. When she was away, my stylist told me what had happened earlier in the day.

A women in her 60's came in. She hadn't been to a hair salon since she married in her late teens, because her husband wouldn't let her (and also abused her in a variety of ways) He died. So now that he was dead, she decided to get a proper hair cut.

Don't be that woman. Don't be someone who waits for your spouse to die so that you can live your life.

You can't change him. He's horrible

Why give it a go with such a dick head?! He's an abusive control freak and it will only get worse the further in to your marriage you get.

Seconded. He gives me the creeps.

agacia:

What fanstastic advice you give.

NOT

He sounds like a narcissist. Google NPD.
And then run without telling him.
He won't change because he can't.