worried i may have married the wrong man...

[Ribbon14]

Hi all,

This is my first post, just really need some advice. Sorry if it's longish...

I married my dh 7 months ago and we've been together 2.5 years. To everyone else we have a perfect relationship, everyone says we're made for each other etc. We also have a nice house in a great area and are financially comfortable but despite this I just don't feel happy...

Maybe it's my own fault because I've had niggling doubts even from when I was first dating my now dh but I thought the positives outweighed the negatives or that he would change...but honestly now I'm not sure :(

Although my dh is kind and nice to me (most of the time) there is a side to him I don't like very much...

To give a few examples:

• he doesn't like me using my phone - when we first dating if I ever checked my phone when we were together, he acted like I was being rude and ignoring him so I stopped that and only checked my phone when he was doing something else but then he accused me of hiding things from him which isn't true. To cut a long story short, it has now got to the point where I am afraid to even look at my phone because of his dirty looks, moodiness and interrogation as to who I'm talking to. Also if I ever am replying to a message, he then grabs his phone, blanks me and goes into another room where he spends ages on his phone.. to me it's like he's saying 'if you're on your phone, then I'm going on mine'. Several times I have checked my phone when we've been in the car and this has resulted in him getting his phone out whilst driving just to seemingly spite me, despite the fact it's dangerous. He also makes comments to me like 'How's your phone?', How's texting going..? said in a sarcastic manner. I just really don't like it. And when I have confronted him about it, he just acts like he's done nothing and that I'm overreacting and that it's all my fault because I hide things from him and that if i used my phone in from of him it would be fine... But that's not true because he doesn't like that either and he demands to know who I'm talking to etc.

• Since we've got married we have a joint account for main finances but I still have a separate account from before. He agreed to let me have £100/month to spend on clothes, makeup, going out with friends etc. that he would let me spend freely without judging but he has decreased this to £75 and now wants to stop me having it at all. And despite what he said, he constantly judges what I have bought (which is hardly anything anyway) and I feel like now I'll have to ask his permission to buy anything :(

• The other thing which really upsets me is that he is incredibly rude to two good friends of mine who are like second parents to me (my own mum is dead and I have a very poor relationship with my dad). They have made a real effort to get to know him, invited us over etc and he is so rude- makes no effort to engage in conversation and ironically spends half the time on his phone- if I did that with his parents, he would go crazy at me... We also go to a badminton club and he hates me talking to other people and I feel like he's always watching me which has made me feel so bad that I don't enjoy going anymore. Several times, he has stormed off or been in a mood with me because he thinks I'm having 'private ' conversations with people which is just not the case...

• Finally, the other evening I had to write a longish email to someone and he acted pissed off that I wasn't giving him my full attention. He was drinking a cup of tea and started making ridiculous noises whilst doing so... When I questioned him on this, he acted like he was doing nothing... I can only think it was all for attention but why?

Anyway, I have talked to him many times about how I feel both before and since we got married and i feel it's like talking to a wall. He has apologised before and said he's sorry and that'll he change but recently he acts like he's done nothing wrong and that i'm being a silly woman overreacting and tries to blame it on me somehow :'(

I'm genuinely so worried he's controlling and unlikely to change...and that I've made a huge mistake...when we're having a good time together, I think I'm going crazy and that it'll be fine but it happens so often that I'm not so sure now :(

Just wondering what people think?

this is really quite frightening. His behaviour is abusive. Please get away from him. None of this is normal, he is being incredibly controlling.

Sorry but your not happy, I'd tell him you want to move, put the house up for sale, as it's in your name there is nothing he can do about it. don't put your name down on the new rental, you won't have trouble, as he will want to be the name on the agreement.
Then once it sells just never move in with him and walk away...

Ribbon It's time to leave this person. It will get worse, and the shame you feel now for picking a 'wrongun' will escalate.

Find/save money. Find an exit route as quick as possible. Get out, get control of your own life and happiness.

You cannot save him. You cannot change him.

He will pick and chip away at you until you feel you are so worthless that you think you are lucky to be with him, after all who else would want you.

LEAVE, please, but stay safe.

He's doing his utmost to separate you from any form of support, whether through your friends or your work. Get out before he succeeds. if the only thing that's stopping you is worrying what people will think, bear in mind that your friends will probably be incredibly relieved. It obviously doesn't matter a jot what his family thinks, you don't need to have anything more to do with them.

You need to get legal advice about what happens with the house, but if it is in your sole name you should be in a strong position. It's not your problem if he gets depressed as a result of you breaking up: what would depress him most is probably the realisation that he can't control you, and that would be nothing but a positive. If he tries to guilt-trip you or even threaten to harm himself, ignore it - it's an absolutely standard tactic, and narcissists tend to love themselves too much ever to put that sort of threat into practice.

Hang on, what?

You live in a house you own and have agreed that a man who you've only known for two years gets to tell you how much of your own money you can keep each month?

Sorry but can I ask how that conversation went? I can't picture it.

And what they all said, obviously. You've married in haste to an abuser. Don't repent in leisure, just boot him out.

All the other posters are right, he's controlling and abusive.

Good luck OP. Be strong, leave him. The hardest part is making the decision.

I've read all your posts and glanced at the replies. This man sounds awful. Make doubly sure you don't get pregnant in the next few months and make an exit plan. The fact that he was supportive while you were ill is the basics.

He's not supportive of you and your career, he wants to dictate everything you do and you're not allowed any money?

I think you've gone from your abusive dad to your abusive husband. The freedom programme may give you some insight.

Good luck!

MorrisZapp, he isn't grateful for the fact I provided a house... he doesn't see it that way. He thinks all money I earn should be paid into joint account to contribute to house which in theory I don't have a problem with, I want to contribute...it's just the fact I feel like I have lost my freedom in buying things for myself.

Well both adults have to pay their way, but who put him in charge? What happened when he told you he was allowing you 75 quid a month of your own money?

Leopards do not change their spots. Leave sooner rather than later, the longer you let this go on the harder it will be. Who cares what anyone else thinks! Good luck

I'm genuinely so worried he's controlling and unlikely to change...and that I've made a huge mistake.

He is and you have. There is only one way this will go and I think you know what that is.
But its not nearly as bad as it could be: get out now before you are stuck to him forever with a child.

I don't know, I guess I just gave in to avoid conflict and I felt like I couldn't really justify having more than that because don't want him to think I waste loads of money on clothes, things for the house etc

You are a grown up woman with a house and a salary. He is not your boss.

Get rid of him or have his kids and a life of misery. Up to you but it won't change, that I can promise

Time to really consider whether the mistake you think you've made is a reality and something needs to be done about it in the near future. If you have children later on and give up working you will soon find that you have no control over your life at all. Tell his family what the problems are and you feel you have tried but can no longer put up with them, if that is your decision.
a) work out what share of the bills are yours pro rata of income and pay that into the joint account. Have all the money come into your own individual account first so that is your money, after your fair contribution to the household bills, is to spend as you like but try to find full time work asap. Don't discuss this with him, just do it. When he complains, tell him you will not be controlled by him telling you what you can spend your own earnings on but, of course, you expect to contribution fairly to the household expenses.
b) tell him you will use your phone when you choose to but with consideration of others, of course, and if he uses his in retaliation while driving you will report him to the police- take photographic evidence to show you mean it. He could kill an innocent person as this is not only reckless behaviour, it is against the law.
c) Start to stand up for yourself in all areas of your life. Clever men like him hide their faults to the outside world to lesson the chances of you being believed.
If you still think he's worth staying with then you have to discuss how you both can change to make the marriage work for BOTH of you. Do it this evening.

Ribbon, please. Listen up. I assume you bought the house before you married - great work - you now have an opportunity to keep it. Because the longer your marriage to this guy the more leverage he will have to take it, force a sale or get a great big payment from you when you do break-up. Not to be fatalistic about this, but you will break up. He will get worse and one day you will snap; maybe not the first birthday you spend miserable, maybe not the third Christmas you find yourself crying, maybe not the sixth or even the seventh... but you will. And I assure you he will not go without getting what he thinks he "deserves" from you.

FYI I married "the love of my life" (who was also jealous and controlling). I had bought a house with money I inherited from the death of my mother. I always thought he sympathised with my losing her and would never try to take from me what she left me... I was wrong. He never paid a penny towards it, but after only 2.5 years of marriage the bastard wanted it. Or lots of cash.

He didn't get it, but the legal process wasn't cheap. AT ALL.

Don't delay. There's a better life out there for you.

Ribbon once you leave, you'll ask yourself why it took you so long.
Life is short. This isn't a squabble or petty argument. He's a danger to your mental, emotional, physical and financial well being.

There is no point standing up to him or trying to change his ways. He has shown you very clearly who he is: a controlling abusive man. You cannot change that. You must not stay with him.

Get help, plan an exit.

End this sooner than later. You’re going to need your house back. The longer you are tied for that more he’ll take from you.

I just want him to see what he's doing and how it's wrong and to try to change but I just don't think he realises... I don't know

He does know. He won't change. He's doing what he wants to so.

I had this and I stayed with him. We did split up but now he's being a dick to the children too.

Fortunately, they're better able to see it than I was.

the house was my parents... my dad gave it to me literally a few weeks before we got married.

You need to ask a lawyer but I think the fact you had the house prior to marriage, rather than your dad giving it to you when you were married, and the fact you've not been married long, all will go in your favour.

YEP so do it soon.

I live in a house that’s been in my DH’s family for generations but I’d be entitled to more than half if we split because we’ve been together for so long.

He's controlling you because he's a controlling person and because he wants to. He's not going to see the error of his ways, because in his eyes it is not an error!

I ended my marriage after less than 18 months. I got really caught up thinking that people would judge, but anybody who mattered was nothing but supportive. The truth is that people are way more interested in their own lives than yours. Yes you might get comments, but not from people who love you so you won't hear them! Don't let that stop you leaving this utter nob.

Btw, your husband is worse than mine was probably but the truth is you don't need a reason to leave, just not being happy will do.

The longer you stay in this relationship, the more of a stake he will have in the house IIRC.

There is NOTHING you can say to make him change or realise what he's doing to you. He's controlling and us trying to isolate you from support e.g. your friends. He does not care if you are happy - he just wants to possess and control you.

he'd probably get really depressed because he has that tendency

This is another form of control - he is using this to make you fear leaving him. You are not responsible for him.

Many solicitors do a free initial appointment for family matters (e.g. divorce). Go see one (or more) to get an idea of where you stand.