worried i may have married the wrong man...

[Ribbon14]

Hi all,

This is my first post, just really need some advice. Sorry if it's longish...

I married my dh 7 months ago and we've been together 2.5 years. To everyone else we have a perfect relationship, everyone says we're made for each other etc. We also have a nice house in a great area and are financially comfortable but despite this I just don't feel happy...

Maybe it's my own fault because I've had niggling doubts even from when I was first dating my now dh but I thought the positives outweighed the negatives or that he would change...but honestly now I'm not sure :(

Although my dh is kind and nice to me (most of the time) there is a side to him I don't like very much...

To give a few examples:

• he doesn't like me using my phone - when we first dating if I ever checked my phone when we were together, he acted like I was being rude and ignoring him so I stopped that and only checked my phone when he was doing something else but then he accused me of hiding things from him which isn't true. To cut a long story short, it has now got to the point where I am afraid to even look at my phone because of his dirty looks, moodiness and interrogation as to who I'm talking to. Also if I ever am replying to a message, he then grabs his phone, blanks me and goes into another room where he spends ages on his phone.. to me it's like he's saying 'if you're on your phone, then I'm going on mine'. Several times I have checked my phone when we've been in the car and this has resulted in him getting his phone out whilst driving just to seemingly spite me, despite the fact it's dangerous. He also makes comments to me like 'How's your phone?', How's texting going..? said in a sarcastic manner. I just really don't like it. And when I have confronted him about it, he just acts like he's done nothing and that I'm overreacting and that it's all my fault because I hide things from him and that if i used my phone in from of him it would be fine... But that's not true because he doesn't like that either and he demands to know who I'm talking to etc.

• Since we've got married we have a joint account for main finances but I still have a separate account from before. He agreed to let me have £100/month to spend on clothes, makeup, going out with friends etc. that he would let me spend freely without judging but he has decreased this to £75 and now wants to stop me having it at all. And despite what he said, he constantly judges what I have bought (which is hardly anything anyway) and I feel like now I'll have to ask his permission to buy anything :(

• The other thing which really upsets me is that he is incredibly rude to two good friends of mine who are like second parents to me (my own mum is dead and I have a very poor relationship with my dad). They have made a real effort to get to know him, invited us over etc and he is so rude- makes no effort to engage in conversation and ironically spends half the time on his phone- if I did that with his parents, he would go crazy at me... We also go to a badminton club and he hates me talking to other people and I feel like he's always watching me which has made me feel so bad that I don't enjoy going anymore. Several times, he has stormed off or been in a mood with me because he thinks I'm having 'private ' conversations with people which is just not the case...

• Finally, the other evening I had to write a longish email to someone and he acted pissed off that I wasn't giving him my full attention. He was drinking a cup of tea and started making ridiculous noises whilst doing so... When I questioned him on this, he acted like he was doing nothing... I can only think it was all for attention but why?

Anyway, I have talked to him many times about how I feel both before and since we got married and i feel it's like talking to a wall. He has apologised before and said he's sorry and that'll he change but recently he acts like he's done nothing wrong and that i'm being a silly woman overreacting and tries to blame it on me somehow :'(

I'm genuinely so worried he's controlling and unlikely to change...and that I've made a huge mistake...when we're having a good time together, I think I'm going crazy and that it'll be fine but it happens so often that I'm not so sure now :(

Just wondering what people think?

He stopped you having a bath!?! Holy cow. I just want to give you a hug. My ex was physically, emotionally and financially abusive. He would buy latest £50+ games yet my underwear had big holes where the fabric had come away from the elastic my smartprice pants had been washed so much... yet i wasnt allowed the money to buy more. Who gives a hoot if you have been married a few months or a decade - this is abuse. It will get worse. Please dont look back at 10 years time and realise how badly controlled your life has been because you were worried about people talking.

Sorry op, you need to get out - he'll only get worse, especially if you have dc together. He's financially abusive. He's controlling and he's trying (and beginning to succeed) in isolating you socially and undermining your self confidence.

Oh dear , you are being abused, please don't try and second guess this statement , it's 100% fact. I'm sure this awful man is nice some of the time but that's all part of their game to keep you confused . Every time these men are vile they then turn all nice and in the end you are grateful for the nice times and ignore the bad.

His behaviour will get worse, better to leave now than end up an emotional wreck who feels tied to him because you have children .

I just want him to see what he's doing and how it's wrong and to try to change but I just don't think he realises

This is one of the biggest misapprehensions that keep people trapped in abusive situations - "If I could only get him to see how his behaviour makes me feel HE WOULD STOP IT"

And so the victim wastes years focussing on the wrong thing - trying to get the abuser to admit that their behaviour is unacceptable. They tie themselves in endless knots trying to find the right words, the perfect analogy, the outside authority (a counsellor, a friend, a parent, etc) to make the abuser see that what they are doing isn't ok.

OP, your husband isn't going to change his behaviour if only you can get him to understand how it makes you feel. Bluntly, he doesn't care how you feel. Or rather he does care - as long as how you feel is uncertain and miserable and walking on eggshells and too ground down and invested to think about walking away from him.

You feeling like this works out very well for him - you put his feelings front and centre, spend all your energy trying to manage him and make him treat you well, and put your own needs and desires to one side.

You need to leave him. This will only get worse and the longer you stay, the harder it gets. But I know that seems really scary. First of all, would you consider reading Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft? Have it sent to one of your friend's houses and read it in secret. It will help give you a different perspective on your situation.

It's ok. This will be the bravest thing you ever do maybe. But remember, when you leave, you don't owe his family an explanation or relationship, you get to leave them too. He is trying to alienate you from the friends who are true, so go to them. They will embrace you for doing this.

This is as 'good' as he gets. He is moving the controlling goalposts tighter and tighter. I'd strongly advise you to get full-time financial independence asap.

I knew without even looking that your dad would be the same - unfortunately we are programmed by our parents' relationships so you have ended up with someone exactly the same as your father.

Please please don't let him isolate you from your friends - you will need them for support when you decide to leave. For your own sake I hope this is soon rather than several years and children down the line.

After a massively populated and opulent wedding I decided to divorce 10 months after. I was really embarrassed about it; the party people kept talking about, the many gifts, the expense the family went through.
But I started talking to a couple of friends about what was happening. Their faces listening to me helped me understand I was about to destroy an important part of my life based on what other people may or may not think. Cut your losses. This is not going to get better. Talk to friends/family. Think yourself lucky because your husband has shown this part of himself before having kids or getting more deeply involved financially or otherwise.

Sorry for insisting but TALK to people in real life.

You got married after 2 years. That seems quick. Was the marriage his idea. As abusers get worse when they have you

When they have you trapped. I mean

Please leave him today. He is not a keeper.
My sister has one of these and it will get worse. There is an underlying anger at work...saying “anger issues” is putting it mildly.

The tit-for-tat with the phone is immature. While driving, it is incredibly dangerous and shows the level of contempt he has for you. He would then blame you for any crash. I seriously would never be in the car with him again. That is a boundary based on his behavior to protect yourself (in this case, physically).

Regarding rudeness to your friends- another boundary: see your friends without him, every single time. Another boundary based on his behavior.

Do not cave in on these boundaries because you are a couple, or any other reason he throws at you (“if you loved me...”) These are to protect your mental health.

Are his actions those of a loving partner? Doesn’t sound like it. He has emotional needs that you can not satisfy. He cares more about his emotional needs than he does about you.

I expect he would be the kind to threaten suicide when/if you break up. It is a great emotional blackmail. Don’t fall for it. If he did it, it wouldn’t be your fault anyway.

This type of anger runs deep. You may not be afraid of him (now), but please be careful with your exit. A Katie Holmes plan would be best- leave first, then tell him.

Marriage was mutual decision.. it was quick and looking back on it at the time I met dh I was in a bad place being abused emotionally by my dad and felt really alone...and i think now I wanted to marry him because i thought if i didn't i wouldn't meet anyone else and i desperately wanted to escape the situation with my dad...

we don't have any children at the moment but dh constantly going on about children and his mum is always bringing it up... but I don't want to at the moment and know it would be very unwise to do so given my uncertainties.

Was wondering if i showed dh this thread if it would make a difference but he'd probably just say i've lied about him and that he isn't like that :(

Don't show him the thread.

Make sure your contraception is really good and he can't mess with it. What are you using?

I have an ex that was like this. I was once 30 minutes late to meet him (I'd just got the meet-up time wrong) and he went ballistic & accused me of seeing someone else. If I had 2 showers in one day, I must be having an affair. If I hadn't done all of the chores I'd intended to do during the day, I must have been using the time to have an affair etc etc. It is only since getting out of the relationship and look back that I realise how irrational his behaviour was.

Don't show him the thread! You will need MN if you do leave him - in fact you'll need it even more if you don't.

Don't show him this thread. What you say doesn't matter to him so what we say wont matter either.

Also @Pinky333777 might be giving things a go, but her list of behaviours is a long long long way short of the behaviours you have described.

He will not change. His actions are deliberate to control you. You must get out.

I feel like it is very hard to see my friends though. If I told him I was seeing the friends I mentioned in my post and their family, he would send me text messages all day saying things like 'Hope you're having a nice time together' but it is not send in an innocent, friendly way, it comes across as though he is jealous of me spending time with other people.. so quite often I don't tell him which i don't like doing because I don't see why i shouldn't be able to be open about it but he has made me feel like i can't. And i know if he found out, he'd say I was hiding things from him and that I was the bad person in the relationship

I really don't understand why he is like this... his family are all really nice ...I don't know where it's come from

You say you are worried about what people will think. For starters it's none of their business and secondly I bet some of those close to you will be relieved , my bet is that some of your friends and family don't like him as they can see what he's doing.

And please don't get into the cycle of lying because it makes your life easier , it just gives the abusers more ammunition to control you when they find out.

It doesn't matter where it comes from!

He wants control

You should only have children of you fully trust the other person. Can you imagine begging for £5 to buy nappoes or £3 for baby gym?

Seriously move out and cut your losses, you won't meet the right person until you're looking for them

Oh op. He's really, really awful. You can't change him. This is him. All you can do is take control of your own life.
Leave. Get a divorce lawyer. Go be happy and live your life as you please. Sit on your phone. Heat your house all day. Run as many hot baths as you please. See your friends whenever you like.
None of the things he is doing is even remotely normal, his good does not outweigh his awful.

Don’t show him this thread.

Of course he would twist it to say he’s not like that, he’d be admitting he was a controlling and abbusive monster if he saw himself like this!

You need to get away from him. This isn’t just ignorance or bad behaviour, this is a deliberate pattern of abbusive behaviour.

You’ve only been married a few months and look how bad it is! This should be the honeymoon period, the best it’ll ever be. Just think how bad it will get.

For goodness get out and in the meantime make sure you don’t get pregnant

Oh dear.
He's vile.
Abusive and controlling.
Please do leave him.
Who gives a flying fuck what others think?
You are a people pleaser and want to keep the peace.
This is part of your upbringing in an abusive relationship.
You are mirroring what you went through.
Although the rose tinted glasses are coming off and you have posted you need to take action and soon, before you get more trapped.
Please call Womens Aid. Talk it through with them and they can reassure you that it's not normal.
Talk to them about the Freedom Programme.
Also please read the Lundy Bancroft book - Why does he do that?
You will find your 'D'H in there.
But this is unanimous.
We can all see it and so can you.
You cannot and should not stay in an abusive relationship.
You'll be amazed how many people will come forward and tell you what they really think of him once you are out of it.
Don't delay any further.
This WILL get worse.
It's already escalating.
Time for YOU!
Think about YOUR future and what you want.
Do you want any DC to grow up in this environment?
They will repeat this as well.
It's the cycle of abuse.
Google it.
While you are there google 'gaslighting abuse'
But please make plans to leave.

Who cares where it comes from? You're not his therapist. You're the victim of his domestic abuse. Get out before it gets worse.

I know this isn't helpful but why do people get married after only 23 months together?! Insane.