worried i may have married the wrong man...

[Ribbon14]

Hi all,

This is my first post, just really need some advice. Sorry if it's longish...

I married my dh 7 months ago and we've been together 2.5 years. To everyone else we have a perfect relationship, everyone says we're made for each other etc. We also have a nice house in a great area and are financially comfortable but despite this I just don't feel happy...

Maybe it's my own fault because I've had niggling doubts even from when I was first dating my now dh but I thought the positives outweighed the negatives or that he would change...but honestly now I'm not sure :(

Although my dh is kind and nice to me (most of the time) there is a side to him I don't like very much...

To give a few examples:

• he doesn't like me using my phone - when we first dating if I ever checked my phone when we were together, he acted like I was being rude and ignoring him so I stopped that and only checked my phone when he was doing something else but then he accused me of hiding things from him which isn't true. To cut a long story short, it has now got to the point where I am afraid to even look at my phone because of his dirty looks, moodiness and interrogation as to who I'm talking to. Also if I ever am replying to a message, he then grabs his phone, blanks me and goes into another room where he spends ages on his phone.. to me it's like he's saying 'if you're on your phone, then I'm going on mine'. Several times I have checked my phone when we've been in the car and this has resulted in him getting his phone out whilst driving just to seemingly spite me, despite the fact it's dangerous. He also makes comments to me like 'How's your phone?', How's texting going..? said in a sarcastic manner. I just really don't like it. And when I have confronted him about it, he just acts like he's done nothing and that I'm overreacting and that it's all my fault because I hide things from him and that if i used my phone in from of him it would be fine... But that's not true because he doesn't like that either and he demands to know who I'm talking to etc.

• Since we've got married we have a joint account for main finances but I still have a separate account from before. He agreed to let me have £100/month to spend on clothes, makeup, going out with friends etc. that he would let me spend freely without judging but he has decreased this to £75 and now wants to stop me having it at all. And despite what he said, he constantly judges what I have bought (which is hardly anything anyway) and I feel like now I'll have to ask his permission to buy anything :(

• The other thing which really upsets me is that he is incredibly rude to two good friends of mine who are like second parents to me (my own mum is dead and I have a very poor relationship with my dad). They have made a real effort to get to know him, invited us over etc and he is so rude- makes no effort to engage in conversation and ironically spends half the time on his phone- if I did that with his parents, he would go crazy at me... We also go to a badminton club and he hates me talking to other people and I feel like he's always watching me which has made me feel so bad that I don't enjoy going anymore. Several times, he has stormed off or been in a mood with me because he thinks I'm having 'private ' conversations with people which is just not the case...

• Finally, the other evening I had to write a longish email to someone and he acted pissed off that I wasn't giving him my full attention. He was drinking a cup of tea and started making ridiculous noises whilst doing so... When I questioned him on this, he acted like he was doing nothing... I can only think it was all for attention but why?

Anyway, I have talked to him many times about how I feel both before and since we got married and i feel it's like talking to a wall. He has apologised before and said he's sorry and that'll he change but recently he acts like he's done nothing wrong and that i'm being a silly woman overreacting and tries to blame it on me somehow :'(

I'm genuinely so worried he's controlling and unlikely to change...and that I've made a huge mistake...when we're having a good time together, I think I'm going crazy and that it'll be fine but it happens so often that I'm not so sure now :(

Just wondering what people think?

I love your comments. It is so naive to say things like change 180 degrees when its not about you. It is hard for her. That is why I encourage Ribbon14 to start believing in herself against all the outcomes as it can bring only positive results for herself.
Sometimes we become the reflection of others close by. Who is gonna tell me that in life there is always one person to blame? It might be an exception but the rule is that the truth is in between. We need to be the best and positive in ourselves as long as it depends on us. And I believe we all should work towards this: we are responsible for our happiness. I think it is an internal power of each of us and gives you the right vibe and can (I dont say will) be a game changer. That is it.
Of course we need to know where are the borders - and that is why we should set them up but without biting the cake you can't say it was not good. Do you know what I mean. Basically I am against taking temperamental steps without trying to fix a problem. Why? Firstly because it can be as I said a game changer, secondly you can easily move on after the decision is made as you have tried everything and thirdly cos it is building your knowledge and resistance. Here you are!

It's very hard to build your confidence when the person who you look to for love and support and who you live with 24/7 is ignoring, withholding, treating you with contempt, blaming, dismissive, lying, controlling, fault finding, selfish, aggressive etc etc etc.

This stuff eats away at you and slowly destroys your ability to function autonomously and to trust your own thoughts and feelings - especially if you're being gaslighted and manipulated. It's a totally unsafe environment - emotionally and psychologically (and often physically). When you're faced with the possibility of receiving this treatment it's natural and instinctive to change how you behave in order to stay safe and to keep the status quo. Sadly this then feeds into the toxic behaviour and the perp's desire for power and you find yourself more stuck. Even challenging it becomes part of the cycle and feeds it. Leaving becomes harder and harder as you're used to looking to the other person for approval and and to try and maintain a nice relationship and in doing so you become more and more dependant on the potential 'good' times.

You know why they say the most dangerous time for a woman is when she tries to leave? That's because shes doing something for herself, acting independently, building confidence, and the control freak can't handle it. Their emotional wellbeing depends on this whole dynamic of having another person to abuse so they can feel okay.

If you read about trauma bonding it shows how deep these relational entanglements can run - on both physiological/psychological levels. We become addicted to the intermittent reinforcement provided in the relationship and the resulting chemicals and hormones.

Someone like the OP who grew up with abuse will already be primed for this sort of bond. It's like being conditioned to accept that to be loved also means to experience pain. It needs time and counselling to work through.

You really need to leave. No question.

Who is gonna tell me that in life there is always one person to blame? It might be an exception but the rule is that the truth is in between.

So you reckon the abuser and the victim are to share the blame between them ? Interesting .

I understand that you want to give your marriage a try. You're still so young though, you have your whole life ahead of you and it starts now. Don’t spend it all waiting for someone to change. The behaviours you described weren’t a bit bad, they’re very bad and your DH knew it.

Ok it seems that for most of the women on this thread who have been in your situation, they took a long time to process the decision to leave from first realising things weren't right to actually plucking up the courage to do it. They are trying to save you that time and the extra damage caused in that time period, which for some was years and years of extra abuse. So nobody can blame you for not being immediately able to take that advice.
What is brilliant about this thread and similar ones, is that it has opened your eyes and given you a lot of insight. You might not be able to leave right at this moment but I think that it will speed the process up.
You will now be looking out for signs of everything you have been warned about. Hopefully you will have the courage to stand up to him more and enforce some boundaries. Make sure that you don't tiptoe around him. If you think he won't like something, don't not do it. Do it anyway and if he gets angry then you note that reaction and eventually you will see the bigger picture. Make sure you use your phone whenever you want, see your friends, have that bath/heating and all the other things you probably haven't mentioned, but exist. Put yourself and your needs at least equal to his. Demand respect for your thoughts and opinions. Even do things that you aren't actually bothered about doing, but do them for research purposes to see how he reacts.
You mention you don't think pregnancy will be an issue, but don't underestimate what desperation will make him do, as he realises that he is losing control of you. Take that 100% contraceptive option just to be doubly sure.

By enforcing those boundaries you will get one of two results. Either he will change, which everyone agrees is unlikely, but you need to experience for yourself, or he won't and then the whole process will be speeded up over the course of the next few months, rather than the next few years. It's hard to hear the hindsight wisdom of others. You need to get to the right head space. I truly hope this thread will help you get there sooner rather than later.

Someone upthread asked whether there was a possibility he’d read this thread. Given his behaviour over you using your phone I’d be concerned that he’d installed some sort of key logging software to your phone and/or laptop, be careful OP.

He hasn't read the thread. He doesn't touch my phone. He may have issues but he wouldn't install any software to read all my messages... He's not that controlling!

Famous last words.
It's very early days.
He WILL get worse.

I'm going to leave the thread for now. Thanks for everyone's responses.

Op I genuinely believe you when you say he's not that controlling. Because that's what you believe at this moment in time.

All I will say is never underestimate a controlling person. You might think he's not now, but in time you will kick yourself for being too trusting and believing he wasn't possibly capable of those things

Think about what you just said. "He's not that controlling".

It's not a matter of degrees, although I suspect he is as controlling as he needs to be atm, and it will ramp up, and possibly become violent as well as coercive. It is the fact he is controlling to any extent that is the issue.

I know you love him, and hope he might/will change. Even if you don't want to believe what we are , mostly, saying do look online at coercive behaviour/domestic abuse, and give some thought to your situation. If you even list your concerns, and ask what you would advise a friend in a similar situation it might be helpful.